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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New man fined for coke possession a few years ago

80 replies

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 03:54

I've been seeing a lovely man for a few months now & all seemed to be going great. He's not met my children but I thought this one could potentially have a long term future.
Until, as my title says, I found out that a few years ago he got a fine for cocaine possession. This has completely floored me as drugs is a big no no for me. He's never disclosed this fact to me but I know it's true as I was shown a newspaper report by someone. He shows no signs of drug taking now so maybe it's just a past mistake.
Could you get past this? Everyone has a past & has made mistakes in their lives. Most of us deserve a second chance; but I am struggling. What if he starts using again? He lives in a city where there has been drug related violence involving dealers. My imagination is working over time. He could end up using & involved with dealers in some way. I have my children to think about so any future man can't have baggage like this. Am I over reacting & running the risk of throwing a potentially good relationship away?

OP posts:

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 06:12

Really? He should've said "just so you know I got caught with a bit of coke 5 years ago and got a fine"?

Do you have to disclose all interactions with the authorities at the start of a relationship?

discobrain · 10/03/2023 06:14

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 06:12

Really? He should've said "just so you know I got caught with a bit of coke 5 years ago and got a fine"?

Do you have to disclose all interactions with the authorities at the start of a relationship?

Yep.

louise5754 · 10/03/2023 06:15

Does the person who showed you know him
personally?

OlympicProcrastinator · 10/03/2023 06:17

Mid 20’s? Forgivable.
Mid 40’? Sad. Time to say goodbye.

ibuymeownflowers · 10/03/2023 06:17

Am I over reacting & running the risk of throwing a potentially good relationship away? hard to tell really as we don't know the guy. But personally with kids involved I wouldn't take the risk. If you do proceed I'd consider a long courtship where you don't introduced him to your kids for a couple of years

Bepis · 10/03/2023 06:18

Is it definitely him in the newspaper report and not someone possibly with the same name?

Lucylock · 10/03/2023 06:24

Difficult one. I think I'd ask him and see what his reaction is to start with.

Although it probably would put me off as he was caught not that long ago.

ScarlettSunset · 10/03/2023 06:27

I would be finishing with him if it was me. Illegal drugs are where I draw the line. I wouldn't start a relationship with someone if I knew that about them and so I wouldn't continue one either if it came to light later. In fact, I'd probably feel worse too as they had clearly kept it from me too.

PortiasBiscuit · 10/03/2023 06:30

Well good, single men in their fifties aren’t that easy to find.. and even good men make mistakes.
Still, you do you OP!

CantFindTheBeat · 10/03/2023 06:39

Who has shown you the years-old newspaper report, OP, and in what context?

Seems odd that someone would keep a small snippet or a picture of it for many years, then seek you out to show it to you now.

Maybe there is more to it if a person is warning you off. Or maybe they're malicious and trying to damage his relationship with you.

What else have they said?

NaturalBae · 10/03/2023 06:41

It’s would be a ‘No’ from me. Throw him back in the sea.

StLevanBlackcaps · 10/03/2023 06:45

I’m also curious why someone has this information and chose to share it with you 🤔

sofapaddling · 10/03/2023 06:49

SweetFarmKitty · 10/03/2023 06:51

I agree that it's probably the tip of the iceberg if he's been caught with cocaine, he's probably had cocaine around him for a long time.

I would be getting the ick and throwing him back. Cocaine is dark.

aslkde · 10/03/2023 06:53

It would be a no from me.
Mid 40's suggests long term use.
Protect your children and yourself by showing him the door

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 10/03/2023 06:57

Milksheikha · 10/03/2023 04:08

Think how many people do coke and how many get caught. The police aren't really bothered with the middle class man/mum with a bit of Charlie on a night out.
Was it bad luck or was he on the radar for dealing ?

So agree with this.

LlynTegid · 10/03/2023 07:05

Age would be a factor. The presumption would be to end the relationship. Do you want to be with a man who was happy to see Mexicans, Columbians and young men in the UK killed just for something that gives short term pleasure?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 10/03/2023 07:09

Milksheikha · 10/03/2023 04:08

I'm obviously live in a bit of a backwater, I thought 'Charlie' was something to do with your petticoat showing. Is that no longer the case?

Original poster

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 07:35

It is definately him & not someone who shares his name. His address was even published. I would never have believed it of him & I'm shocked, but it's put me right off him now

OP posts:

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 07:48

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 04:36

@NumberTheory @JRFP @discobrain he's 50 & he was mid 40's when it happened. It wasn't a big report in the paper, but just listed in the section where they list the prosecutions in court for that week. I've just read it again & it was a small fine plus unpaid community service that he received

Oh. If it was a one-off in his twenties it might be easier to move on from, but this was five years ago in his mid-40s! Nah. I’d be very surprised if it was something he’d really left behind.

GoldDuster · 10/03/2023 07:56

There is more to this than him being caught with a tiny amount of coke in his wallet when minding his own business. That's really unlikely.

Anyone getting prosecuted for class a drugs in their 40s has got a bit of a scene going on and isn't someone I'd be adding in to my kids lives knowingly.

MySugarBabyLove · 10/03/2023 07:59

Immediate dealbreaker for me and it wouldn’t matter whether he was in his 20’s or 40’s.

I don’t get this notion that 20’s is suddenly too young to be responsible for your behaviour.

It was only a generation ago that people were having children in their early 20s, starting family life and while that doesn’t necessarily mean that people should feel they have to settle down that young, in your 20’s is certainly a fully fledged adult capable of making adult decisions.

But it seems the age for being irresponsible and making twattish decisions is increasing based on the fact people seem to need to justify being stupid and making twattish decisions.

If in your 20’s your old enough to drive a car, to vote, to get a mortgage, to hold down a job, then you’re bloody well old enough to know about drugs and their origins and exactly what kinds of despicable trades you’re supporting when you choose to snort coke or whatever it is.

And doing drugs says something about you as a person. And none of it positive.

Greenfairydust · 10/03/2023 08:08

Based on his age, it would be a no for me.

It would be different if that had happened when he was a student and got caught in a nightclub or something.

Someone in their mid-40s still regularly buying and doing drugs is just sad and a red flag for me.

It is likely that he has been using drugs for decades and it might still be doing it for all you know.

I used to be more relaxed about this type of things but now drug-taking and regular excessive alcohol drinking is something that I don't want in my social circle at all.

PhoenixAuntie · 10/03/2023 08:16

It would be an immediate dumping from me and I would tell him why.

iusedtobeasize8 · 10/03/2023 08:17

Ask him about it. Find out the facts and make your decision from there. People make mistakes.

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