Last minute invite to a christening where parents do not speak to me.

[Truelyfuckedoff]

The long and short of it is my brother and his partner have not acknowledged me in quite some time due to family crap basically. They have two kids, one I barely saw and one I have yet to meet. I have never even been sent a photo of child two. I have a partner of over a year and a son who my brother never contacts but leaves gifts in my mums house for xmas and bday.

Today a phonecall giving me and my ds an invite to their kids joint christening this coming sunday. Not contacted me or ds but apparently through my mum have given a verbal invite to a christening with a sit down meal. Just me and ds no partner. Stated specifically not my partner as they have not met him as they do not talk to me.

I have not seen my partner in two weeks due to work and illness. I will see him from 5pm sat night till 5pm sunday this week as we have each kids and work commitments etc. I am so very much looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Ds was to go to my mum for the night but now does not want to as does not want to attend christening.

I have said no. My mum thinks this could heal everything in the family and could i not just get my partner to leave my home at 10am so I can go to the christening. She thinks I am being unreasonable to not just give up a few hours with my partner for this christening. I think that A) had they wanted me there I would have been invited personally and B) that i would have been invited in January when the other people were invited instead of 7pm on a thursday evening especially to the christening of kids whose parents do not acknowledge me, so far not acknowledged the fact I am the kids aunts and certainly not acknowledged my relationship.

Aibu for not going?

I have a situation like this with my brother, just be with your partner and forget your sibling who is being a twat. I went NC

You should.go

Well done for staying strong, and installing healthy boundaries.

You definitely made the right decision!

Part of the problem is your mum - so you need to start putting in some healthy boundaries with her.

I had cut off family members over the years (including my mum at times).

They are the ones with issues, and they enjoy the drama - there is some narcissism behind their actions, so I would grey rock them.

My mum often enjoyed creating some drama - and then made a sibling or I out to be the bad guy. I missed some family gatherings - one time years ago my mum held onto a paper invitation my aunt asked her to pass onto me - and my mum had many opportunities to pass it onto me as I had visited her house many times. On the day of the event - my mum called to ask me if I was going - it was the first time I heard about it - and as it was a 3 hour drive away and I already had plans - I couldn't go. My mum often loved to gossip, and be the victim - so no doubt she passed on to my aunt that I had chosen not to go - and I would have looked rude for not sending an r.s.v.p.

The times I chose to walk away and not play my mum's games - she then turned to another sibling to treat them that way. Perhaps if you do the same with your mum, your mum will turn on your brother and treat him the same.

Your brother is also not innocent in all this - he is benefiting from this, and perhaps this is why he has been abusive towards you.

Stay strong - you have got this!!

Good for you. I agree it is you your mother who has created this probably right from when you are little. If she says anything about been invited and not coming I would say. I didn’t have a direct invitation and I never know whether you are being truthful or creating a situation so thought it best not to go.

@ZombieMumEB that is it exactly. I have told her from now on to tell my brother she is not to pass on anything to me. I will be the same. She does like to be the centre of drama and even up till Sat morning was still trying to get me to change my mind. I am fucking sick of it. I need now to cut my brother out entirely as if any of them think it is normal to make me feel sick with anxiety and stress over them well they need their heads read. I had a lovely weekend with the two people who matter most to me and that is all I need.

Thanks again all. It was very helpful to be able to put it all here and reread things when I felt myself waiver.

Oh well it has all truly kicked off now. My mother rang me last night with a few too many drinks in her. Apparently my poor wounded victim brother just cannot in all his innocence understand why me and my ds (personalised names on the tables) did not go but it is ok cos my mum took it upon herself to say I have chosen my partner over the family. That is what she actually told them. All the understanding of why it would make me physically ill to my stomach to turn up without having spoken to my brother in years totally forgotten and sure we will blame the partner. I have now apparently ruined my mothers family and she absolutely went mental at me down the phone but the fact I personally have ruined HER family (she left my dad and us kids when I was in my teens for her current husband) and her and my brother are totally innocent victims of my nastiness is basically her current theme tune.

Never ever changes in my family. I will always be the scapegoat.

sounds like something out of Eastenders. I don’t know any families who carry on like this.

OP,

This really is not normal behaviour.

All this anxiety regarding contact with a brother you haven't had contact in years.

Your drunken mother berating you.🙄

I think it's time you sought some counselling and block your mother too.

I would think that making a final decision to block would benefit your health truly.

People who behave like they are the stars of a Jeremy Kyle show are not people to be listening to.

Keep your child away from them.

This is not normal behavior.
Do not take on board any of their disordered words, behaviour or thinking.

Avoid them all like you would the plague.

Sounds like Mother dear needs a few home truths telling. Don't be scared to give them to her just because she's your Mother.

Sometimes people need telling and you need to stand up for yourself.

@Pottedpalm consider yourself lucky and keep away from the hundreds of threads every year on here about dysfunctional families in that case.

@billy1966 It is just fucking crazy how she always does this. I knew something would kick off and so glad I did not go as it was a horrible feeling of anxiety even thinking about facing these people but no they will never understand things from my point. I just cannot believe once again it has been twisted and turned again like this. I mean I should not be surprised but every time I try to assert myself this happens. My mum had not even hung up the phone and I could hear her bitching about me to her husband. I am hitting 50 years of age. This is totally unacceptable.

@babbylonzoo this was me sticking up for myself but it always ends up with me being the one in the wrong, I dont know why I bother. I am in therapy for this and my therapist has commented many times about how often I mention my mother.

You poor thing! But this only confirms even more that it was the right decision not to go. Try to give them less headspace, but I know how hard that is. Take care of yourself.

Block her op. In every way.
Haven't spoken to my dm in 11 years.

She always behaves like this, so why are you expecting anything different?

You need to look hard at why you keep going back for more.

I mean this very very kindly, but are you a little bit addicted to the drama?

Do you think you are a little bit conditioned to be around the drama your family enjoy?

Because if you were not, you probably do what others do and walk away.

People who don't want drama in their lives, the type of which you describe, generally make the decision to go NC.

They often mention the peace they enjoy and don't miss the drama they left behind.

Being involved in the type of drama your family likes, really takes a huge amount of your energy.

Is it really in your son's best interests to have you so upset and anxious about your family?

I certainly wouldn't think so.

It is sounding more and more like you and your brother are both casualties of your very unpleasant mother. If the roles were reversed and she had fallen out with your brother would you have piled the pressure on her to go as she did to you? Surely not. You'd have a conversation about it and then you'd respect her decision and tell your brother she found it too difficult to attend the christening but would always be happy to meet with you separately to talk things through. Why didn't she do that for you?

If she hadn't then gone and your brother had got upset would you have phoned and made her feel like sh*t? I presume you would have instead tried to smooth things over with your brother. Why didn't she do that for you?

It sounds quite possible that she is lying to both of you and deliberately making things ten times worse between you. I wouldn't ever believe a word she said.

Whenever I've found things difficult with my 'D'M it always helps me to reverse our roles and ask myself if I would ever treat her/speak to her the way she does to me. And if not why am I prepared to accept it from her?

No I do not like the drama and my mother is always somewhere around it. I wanted a couple of years ago for my brother to sit and talk to me but it just ended up all going through my mum who clearly has told many lies either end and made it ten times worse. If I had been able to sit with my brother and have a proper conversation where it did not end up with him screaming at me then maybe things would be different but they are not and unless my brother contacts me for a chat then nothing is going to change. I have deleted his number so cannot contact him.

I hate conflict, I hate roaring and screaming and I would NEVER treat anyone the way I have been treated. I pride myself on being totally the opposite of how I was raised. I should walk away but then my ds has no other family at all and she despite being a horrible mother is actually a good grandmother. I should not have to put up with the verbal abuse though especially when I am just trying to protect myself.

I sent a present to the kids anyway just a token to mark the day and it was delivered this morning. If my mother contacts me to say thanks on their behalf then I will know for 100% certainty that my brother does not want any kind of relationshp with me going forward and will leave it at that. I am deeply upset and hurt over all of this and I feel sick that I am being blamed on things but this is what it is I guess.