Last minute invite to a christening where parents do not speak to me.

[Truelyfuckedoff]

The long and short of it is my brother and his partner have not acknowledged me in quite some time due to family crap basically. They have two kids, one I barely saw and one I have yet to meet. I have never even been sent a photo of child two. I have a partner of over a year and a son who my brother never contacts but leaves gifts in my mums house for xmas and bday.

Today a phonecall giving me and my ds an invite to their kids joint christening this coming sunday. Not contacted me or ds but apparently through my mum have given a verbal invite to a christening with a sit down meal. Just me and ds no partner. Stated specifically not my partner as they have not met him as they do not talk to me.

I have not seen my partner in two weeks due to work and illness. I will see him from 5pm sat night till 5pm sunday this week as we have each kids and work commitments etc. I am so very much looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Ds was to go to my mum for the night but now does not want to as does not want to attend christening.

I have said no. My mum thinks this could heal everything in the family and could i not just get my partner to leave my home at 10am so I can go to the christening. She thinks I am being unreasonable to not just give up a few hours with my partner for this christening. I think that A) had they wanted me there I would have been invited personally and B) that i would have been invited in January when the other people were invited instead of 7pm on a thursday evening especially to the christening of kids whose parents do not acknowledge me, so far not acknowledged the fact I am the kids aunts and certainly not acknowledged my relationship.

Aibu for not going?

That's always the problem, isn't it? Wondering what the backlash will be from upsetting others whilst making a decision that protects yourself from an uncomfortable situation that you won't ever benefit from.

I'm in a very similar situation to you, early on in my therapy journey, but learnt so much already - it's worth every penny for me. Wishing you all the luck in the world x

@Shemovesshemoves21 best of luck to you to. It is tiring and can be heartbreaking at times during therapy realising why you are there but clearly it can help. Me of a year ago would have jumped at this small crumb being handed to me without thinking but the me now has learned to be more calculated and not jump when my family click their fingers.

Thank you for all the messages. I will get the kids a gift and send it to their home directly next week once I get a chance to look for something. I feel more empowered today than ever. The power of MN eh? x

Don't go buying a present for the baby! You are being treated so badly by your brother and his family. Why on earth would you buy them a present?

So you’ve been given a half arsed last minute verbal invitation through a third party and you’re supposed to lap it up like a grateful dog? On the caveat that you don’t bring the only adult who is actually a support for you?

No ta.

This for sure.

Im not giving up hours of precious time with a man that treats me like a princess for people that have treated me like shite. My boundaries are firmly in place on this one.

I don’t disagree at all. Sounds the right way to go.

These fascinate me though as you know what’s what, know what you want to do, know what you are going to do yet come and ask a bunch of strangers. Ask if you are being unreasonable (obviously not, imo), then if someone says yes you tell them you are not. While I personally agree with you, why are you asking considering you know in your mind you are not? Happens all the time on here and it stuns me.

Ask yourself,
"If this turns out to be the last time in this life that I ever get to see my brother, how would I feel?" and listen carefully for your first gut reaction. Because that's what will tell you want you REALLY feel, before you have the chance to "yeah, but" it.

If the answer is "sad" or "disappointed", or even "angry", then go to the christening.
If the answer is "I wouldn't be that bothered", then don't go, but also accept the relationship may well be permanently done with.

I personally feel, don't make life-long decisions on a basis of a relatively short-term falling-out.

You say you don’t know where your brother lives now (apols if I’ve got this wrong) so I do wonder if you could write a letter to your brother, declining with your reasons for not attending (very thoughtful reasons imo) and ask the priest/vicar at the church to pass it on to your brother at an appropriate time.

Your words could not be twisted and you can review what you say before sending. It might show up your mum but if your brother had actually invited you it would show you were being considerate and not just ignoring him. You could also suggest a meeting in a neutral place after the Christening.

If course this is only if you do want to speak with him.

The thing is, you can be sad about not seeing someone again, but relieved you don't have to. It sounds as though OP has had a lifetime of being treated poorly within a toxic family dynamic and around a year ago is when she started setting boundaries after a falling out with her brother/family. This short-term falling out has likely been brewing for many years and only come to the forefront because OP has worked hard with a therapist to understand her circumstances.

I would go and take your partner along too. What are they going to do? Ban him from the church or ask him to leave? I don't think so ...

Definitely not! This will cause huge drama. The invitation appears to have come from the interfering mother, not the brother.

I wouldn't go. You weren't invited directly and what you did receive was last minute. As others suggested this could be your mum or could it be that two people have dropped out? You say your brother leaves presents for your son at your mums house. Does he? Or does your mum do that?
Sounds like you've had a good while of peace. Don't let them destroy it now. Family can cause more pain than anyone else.

I wouldn't go, as it is not a proper invitation. As pps have said, sounds like it may have been engineered by your mother. If your brother really wanted you to go he would have contacted you.

He sounds a very unpleasant person anyway, do you really need him in your life? Sometimes we have to make our own families with people that genuinely love us, which it sounds like you have found in your partner and your DS. I wouldn't allow DS to be dragged into it either. Obviously a christening is not high on a priority list for most young lads anyway!

So the only update I can offer is my mum sent me a forwarded whatsapp message from my brother which states similar to this 'two months ago i told you truly and son were welcome and invited to the christening. If she says she does not believe she is then forward this to her'.

My mum told my brother I did not believe the invite was real and he sent her that to send to me instead of contacting me or my son himself. He also made a point of making sure to say just me and ds were invited, no mention of my partner who he knows by now is spending the night in my home with me this weekend.

I am definitely not going. It is almost a passive aggressive invite at this point and I feel really ill thinking about it. If they wanted us there they would have contacted me or my ds. Not sent a secondhand invite. It is an invite based on aesthetics as it wont look good for my brother having fuck all of his family there but you know what, you reap what you fucking sow. I feel more and more happy with my decision than ever. They have NO respect for me and less for my son. We both incidentally have social anxiety and just because my mum would be there would really not make it better, potentially worse in fact.

Again I thank all the responses as they have all made me think but the right thing to do now is walk the fuck away with my head held high, my ds secure in the knowledge I always have his back (he doesnt want to go and I have now included him in the meal with me and my partner instead of him staying in mums and forced to go to this circus) and know that I am showing him how loyalty and respect really works along with setting boundaries. They always always have made me feel like my choices were wrong but this time my choices are right. So fucking right.

How bizarre, if he told her 2 months ago why has she not mentioned it before now?

good p0oint n27

I wouldn’t go either. ‘They’re family!’ - and? You’re not obliged to put up with bullshit from people because you’re unfortunate enough to share DNA with them. ‘It may be the last chance at reconciliation!’ - again, and? Reconciliation is not in fact always desirable.

I would ignore it totally OP, and have a day I would actually enjoy.

I would not consider that an invitation at all and because of that I would not go.

Yeah that's not an invitation and whatever it was it was horribly done.

Your brother is a right bellend. What an awful, pathetic 'invitation'. You did the right thing.
Enjoy your weekend.

Good decision.

Give them all a wide berth.

They have zero power when you refuse to be in their company.

Silence is very powerful IMO.

I hope you have a great Sunday op.
And your family are arseholes imo! Hard to believe you are talking about adults and not dc in your secondary school class.

If this was about building bridges, they would have invited your partner.

I think your Mum has pushed for you to be invited, and they’ve agreed last minute, but said no partner.

I wouldn’t go if I were you.

Have a nice relaxed weekend with someone who cares about you instead 🌼

No, I wouldn't go.

I'd politely say to DM that I'm afraid we already have plans for next Sunday and it's too short notice. Grey rock and repeat.

Christening is today. I did not go. Myself, dp and ds went out for a lovely meal last night and came home and have stayed cocooned here ever since. Dp has just gone out for a bottle of wine and I am making a nice lamb dinner here for us and not even thinking of my 'family' and their day out. Absolutely no way I am allowing them to think they can treat me like shit anymore. I have under this roof the two people I love most in this life and that is all I need. I am happy and content here with my decision today :)