Last minute invite to a christening where parents do not speak to me.

[Truelyfuckedoff]

The long and short of it is my brother and his partner have not acknowledged me in quite some time due to family crap basically. They have two kids, one I barely saw and one I have yet to meet. I have never even been sent a photo of child two. I have a partner of over a year and a son who my brother never contacts but leaves gifts in my mums house for xmas and bday.

Today a phonecall giving me and my ds an invite to their kids joint christening this coming sunday. Not contacted me or ds but apparently through my mum have given a verbal invite to a christening with a sit down meal. Just me and ds no partner. Stated specifically not my partner as they have not met him as they do not talk to me.

I have not seen my partner in two weeks due to work and illness. I will see him from 5pm sat night till 5pm sunday this week as we have each kids and work commitments etc. I am so very much looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Ds was to go to my mum for the night but now does not want to as does not want to attend christening.

I have said no. My mum thinks this could heal everything in the family and could i not just get my partner to leave my home at 10am so I can go to the christening. She thinks I am being unreasonable to not just give up a few hours with my partner for this christening. I think that A) had they wanted me there I would have been invited personally and B) that i would have been invited in January when the other people were invited instead of 7pm on a thursday evening especially to the christening of kids whose parents do not acknowledge me, so far not acknowledged the fact I am the kids aunts and certainly not acknowledged my relationship.

Aibu for not going?

This is satire, right? One last chance? They’re not dying. You cannot truly believe OP should be humble and grateful for a last minute invitation from somebody that clearly does not like them or actually want them there.

I'm in a very similar situation OP. I've fallen out with my sister over family crap that trickled down to an attack on my partner, father of my kids snd absolute rock and support throughout all my family drags and my own addiction issues. It's been hard but I've come to accept it. I chose him and wouldn't change that for anything. I've turned down awkward family gatherings too as I just can't stomach the fake bullshite anymore. It would fill me with dread and fear. It's still hard but I know deep down it doesn't align with me and instead just have to accept that sometimes families are the happily ever after you so wished for. I focus on my family now and what's best fir them. So my advice is don't go.

OP, I am sorry for what you have been through and I am happy you have a DP who values you.

But I don’t think this is about him. I think you still sound very hurt by your family. It isn’t for us to say you are wrong, on the basis of what you have shared. Go or not as feels best in your bones. You don’t owe anyone.

FWIW, my mother is economical with the truth and if we had such a situation in the family I could see her engineering this, so I would not attend in the scenario you’ve presented. However I would probably mail an actual old fashioned card to DB’s house, with conventional best wishes and explaining my uncertainty in light of how events unfolded. If true, I might add that I look forward to meeting the children another time

I wouldn't go in your shoes but I also wouldn't make it about no having seen your DP for two weeks - it just sounds so lame to give that as a reason. You have very good reasons for not going if the invite is even genuine and not your mum trying to insert herself in the middle. You could have planned to watch paint dry that day and still not go. You got a second hand invite so it's fine to give a second hand response. You aren't going because you have no relationship with your brother and that works just fine for you for now - a happy families event isn't the time to address those issues so enjoy but I'll sit this one out.

Some family relationships just aren’t meant to be. I’d send a card and a wee gift but I definitely wouldn’t be going.

Tell your mum you're ill, which you are, so you can't go unfortunately.

How on earth do you get that from the OP? Projection much. OP please ignore this nonsense, I’m sure you will anyway.

Absolutely don’t go. You’re not really invited, it’s your mum engineering. If you go you run the risk of being in a humiliating situation. Avoid.

No way would I go.

Realistically, if you turn up and there’s a scene (for whatever reason), it will sour the whole thing (and you’ll be blamed). The risk is that the whole thing ends up being about the rift rather than the actual ceremony itself.

Send a polite note to say that unfortunately you won’t be able to make it, here’s a small gift.

I think this is niggling at you and that your sub conscious is telling you to go, hence the posting here insisting you won't go.

I think there's the seed of a relationship still there,shown by your brother leaving presents for your son.

Personally I'd take a chance and go, I think I'd regret NOT going more than I would regret going.

sorry souns like a setup from your mother-like you said hey would have invited you from the start with everyone else not 3 days before

Thanks have read all messages since I went to bed. I woke this morning even more confident in my decision not to go. This is a man who verbally abused me in front of family members including my ds on many occasions over the years and then followed it up with now about 2 years of abuse my silent treatment. As soon as January he left me and my ds to say goodbye to my dad in a car in a carpark as dad does not live in this country all because he did not want me in his home to say goodbye to dad there. This was apparently the same day the christening invites went out so he sat two cars away from me and my son ignoring us both while we said our goodbyes and has not made any contact with me since so I think if he wanted to build bridges there has been many a chance but a church and then a sit down meal is not where you start building anything IMO.

I am also still not sure my mum is telling the truth but will never know unless I speak to my brother again.

Anyway I have a makeup session booked for sat night (its redeemable against products I need but still professionally done) and a table booked in a nice place for myself and himself to spend some proper time together and let our hair down as we rarely get the chance - it is worth mentioning we live a 90 min drive away from each other too so we just cocoon ourselves in our own bubble and leave the world to themselves when we are together.

For the poster that asked would I go if I was with some asshole then yes is possibly the answer. I stayed single for over a decade and raised my son alone, have gotten therapy and worked hard on myself as my family and exes all made me feel inconsequential so now I have met someone who has shown me my worth and is helping me see it along with the therapy then I am not willing to lower my boundaries anymore. As the saying goes, why cross an ocean for someone who would not cross a puddle for you. And I am going to use that as my mantra from now on.

If it had been your brother who extended the invite directly then I would have given it consideration.

Absolutely but at this point it is at best a case of chinese whispers.

I smell a rat. OP I think you mum invented this invite. I doubt your brother even knows what your mum has done. By what you said, even by January just past, he never invited you and wouldn't invite you. Your mum is trying to cause trouble. If you showed up, you know you would get the blame and your brother and family would say you showed up deliberately and attack you even more. See this trap for what it is. A lie from your mother.

@ItsShiela I am genuinely worried that is the case. I cannot see why if you want someone somewhere you would send a third party invite like this. She knows nobody would make a scene in a church but if they did not want me there and I showed up it would genuinely look like I was there to goad them and I would not do that. I have no ill feelings towards my brother as I have not got the mental space to hold grudges but I am not making a fool of myself either.

My mother would do this

and if I didn’t go she’d be able to say “well she was invited….

makes her look better in that she’s ‘tried’. And enables her victim status, rather than a judgement of (her) crappy family

you know you’ve made the best decisions for yourself

and to all those bleating “but it’s faaaamily…” or “family is family, they’re the only ones you have”

per-lease! YOUR family is YOUR family. OURS is shit. Some of us have family whose prime goal when it comes to us is destruction.

They blocked you? Then no. That would be it for me. Choices have repercussions and all that.

I think it would be good to make an effort at reconciliation, but a christening with lots of other people there isn’t the time or place. I’m sure your DH’s time will be taken up with the christening etc, so he’s hardly going to have a lot of time to sort things out between you. I had a big fallout with my brother a few years ago, and I just randomly turned up at his house when I knew he was alone, and sorted it out with some deep and constructive conversations. Maybe decline the christening invite, saying you think the focus should be on the baby and not on other family situations, but then in a week or so try to have a meet up with him somewhere neutral (maybe your mum’s?) to talk it out.

your DB’s

Thank you. That is exactly it. Not everyone sadly has healthy foundations that they have come from.

God please just don't jump back into the toxic soup. Carry on with your life with your child and partner away from the drama.

I have tried this and fallen on deaf ears. Granted my way of saying it was possibly more angry than eloquent but I have always said I would love to sit and talk. My dad tried to facilitate this at a thing last year and my brother made a show of me roaring 'right goodbye then, I dont want to talk to you but wont ignore you' or something similar in front of about 15 people in the house. Someone he always turns into the victim though.

Ya my mind is made up and I will superglue my arse to my couch at this point rather than go even if he turned up today on a horse with an invite written in gold.

I will no longer be the scapegoat who is supposed to bow down to everyone. He will always be the golden child but from here on in my own role has been given back.

You've done the right thing. People say, "Family this, olive branch that" need to understand that just because you're family doesn't mean they get to make you feel inferior and treat you like rubbish. Well done OP for sticking to your boundaries. It sounds like you've worked really hard to see the complexities of your family's behaviours and how to manage it appropriately. Enjoy your time with your partner and forget all the nonsense. Life is too short x

@Shemovesshemoves21 therapy is not cheap so I need to focus on what I have learned about myself in that room every week and focus on how far I have come and not allow myself to be sucked in by all of this.

I wonder who will be the villian in this now,... me or my dp who does not even KNOW about the christening as I mentioned nothing to him about this drama unfolding since last night but I am sure something can be twisted.