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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dp I want to explore my sexuality

98 replies

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 02:52

After countless talks, counselling, books and switch ups. I've come to the conclusion that sex isn't going to happen for me and my dp. He seems okay with this but I'm not. I greive my woman-hood and feel so out of touch with myself. Since having dc I feel like I've lost myself and identity and the lack of sex (going on 3 years) has made it all the more worse for me.

I'm tired of talking, pleading and crying for my needs to be unheard. The main thing is it panics me to think this is it for me. I have had awful experiences back to hack sexually alot of that was down to naivety and being young. But I realised that all the men I've been with used me or abused me sexually and I want and NEED to prove to myself that good healthy intamcy does exist and it isn't just part of a fairy tale. I've tried to find healthier outlets. I've got a job. Got to the gym. Take up a hobby. Doing everything I can to fill this void but at the end of the day I'm seriously unhappy and dp is happy.

He is a selfish lover and if/when we do it it's always all take and no give which plays into my need to explore my sexuality more.

Aibu for advocating for myself and saying enough is enough I want to explore even if it just once

It's got to the point that I don't even think I'm sexually attracted to dp anymore and he go me. He swears blind that's not the case but doesn't touch me and if he does there is no foreplay. Neither of us want to leave the relationship but he isn't willing to have an open one either. He may be okay doing nothing but I'm not so this is my last resort short of going insane!

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 09/03/2023 03:00

I really have to wonder why you’ve posted this is AIBU, and not somewhere more constructive, like Relationships.

I also wonder why you both don’t just do the healthy thing, which is break up and move on. That’s where this relationship is 100% heading, whether either one of you are willing to admit it, or not.

Original poster
2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:02

@SomersetONeil he doesn't want to. He is happy being in a sexless relationship. I'm haply having dc full time. If I can get my needs met elsewhere and everyone's happy I don't see the problem

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 09/03/2023 03:06

He doesn’t want to break up, but he also don’t want an open relationship.

Aside from the fact that this isn’t just about what he wants, this pretty much leaves you nowhere.

Good luck.

butterfliedtwo · 09/03/2023 03:09

Why are you seemingly letting him decide what you should do with your life? YABU for that.

WandaWonder · 09/03/2023 03:11

So when a man has an affair it is cheating ?

When a woman does it it's called exploring their sexuality ?

OK then, if you want to cheat no one it seems will stop you so what answer are you looking for?

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 09/03/2023 03:12

You don't need his permission to split up. If one person wants to split, you split. That's just how it works.

Original poster
2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:14

@WandaWonder it's not cheating. I'm going to tell him my intentions. If he isn't comfortable with it then he needs to either face the music and do something about it instead of putting his head in the sand or leave. I'm tired of feeling like wasted goods and that someone has this much dictation over my body when they don't even want it!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:15

@IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook I would rather not split up my children's lives over sex and just sort myself out

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 09/03/2023 03:16

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:15

@IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook I would rather not split up my children's lives over sex and just sort myself out

But he’s not going to agree to it, so the end result is the same. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PriOn1 · 09/03/2023 03:25

You have the right to tell him you’re going to do it. He has the right to end the relationship if it’s unacceptable to him. You can’t change him, only yourself. Then you have to live with the end result.

Ponderingwindow · 09/03/2023 03:32

he doesn’t have to agree to an open relationship. If he doesn’t, then you need to end the relationship in order to meet your sexual needs elsewhere. That is a perfectly valid choice.

what you can’t do is simply say that you are opening the relationship and he can leave if he doesn’t like it.

It may effectively be the same thing because it doesn’t really matter which one of you calls an end to your relationship. You need to remember though that you need to maintain a coparenting relationship with this man. Doing the right thing and leaving instead of just effectively cheating and forcing him to leave will go a long way to making it possible for the two of you to be effective coparents in the long run

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 09/03/2023 04:18

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:15

@IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook I would rather not split up my children's lives over sex and just sort myself out

When they grow up and look back on this, your kids aren't going to thank you for shagging around and staying in a sham relationship 'for their sake'.

EnterChasedByAMemory · 09/03/2023 04:35

butterfliedtwo · 09/03/2023 03:09

Why are you seemingly letting him decide what you should do with your life? YABU for that.

Exactly. If you need to separate then you should do that. And if you are married, you should divorce if you feel that you’re in a miserable and unhealthy relationship. It’s not good for children to be brought up in a toxic environment. They need to see what a healthy and strong relationship looks like and you don’t want them to think that this is normal.

EnterChasedByAMemory · 09/03/2023 04:40

Ponderingwindow · 09/03/2023 03:32

he doesn’t have to agree to an open relationship. If he doesn’t, then you need to end the relationship in order to meet your sexual needs elsewhere. That is a perfectly valid choice.

what you can’t do is simply say that you are opening the relationship and he can leave if he doesn’t like it.

It may effectively be the same thing because it doesn’t really matter which one of you calls an end to your relationship. You need to remember though that you need to maintain a coparenting relationship with this man. Doing the right thing and leaving instead of just effectively cheating and forcing him to leave will go a long way to making it possible for the two of you to be effective coparents in the long run

That’s a good point in regards to co-parenting. Op, you need to have an open and candid discussion with your DP. I think it would be better in the long run to separate and then you’re both free to explore. But at the moment, it looks like neither of you are in agreement so this would be considered cheating. You need to consider the long-term consequences of your actions as you will still need to deal with your DP whether you are together or not as there are children involved.

icclemunchy · 09/03/2023 04:54

ENM/ an open relationship is a viable choice for many people.

What it won't do though is a fix a broken relationship, which is what you have here OP.

Just call it a day and end it, sounds like you'd be much happier

Zanatdy · 09/03/2023 05:08

I think you’re well within your rights to tell him. I suspect you’ll end up separating and yes it is valid thing to split up a family over as why should you have to be in a sexless relationship. I recently met someone who has opened my eyes to good, selfless sex and I’ll never be in a relationship where my needs aren’t met again

GoodChat · 09/03/2023 05:25

I think having sex outside the relationship is never a healthy situation to have children in the middle of.

You're not happy, so fix it.

MichelleScarn · 09/03/2023 05:45

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 09/03/2023 04:18

When they grow up and look back on this, your kids aren't going to thank you for shagging around and staying in a sham relationship 'for their sake'.

Show quote history

Absolutely, so if it all turns to shit, do they get the 'I did it for you'?
What's the general state of relationship?
How old are kids?
Are you financially dependent on him?

Shoxfordian · 09/03/2023 05:48

It sounds like you’re not compatible anyway and you’re just staying for the kids- can you afford to split up financially? Who owns/rents the property you live in?

motherofkevinnotperry · 09/03/2023 06:22

Watching with interest. I'm in a very similar situation op to the point my DH thinks he might be asexual. I am far from asexual and have a healthy sex drive which is currently screaming to be met.

I've no idea what's going to happen to us.

MintJulia · 09/03/2023 06:27

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 09/03/2023 04:18

When they grow up and look back on this, your kids aren't going to thank you for shagging around and staying in a sham relationship 'for their sake'.

Show quote history

This.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 09/03/2023 06:29

Open relationships can work for some people, but I don't see how it will fix yours.

It sounds like your relationship has run its course and I don't think sleeping with someone else will magically revive it.

I think eventually you'll have to go your separate ways or you will both stay miserable.

MaireadMcSweeney · 09/03/2023 06:34

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:15

@IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook I would rather not split up my children's lives over sex and just sort myself out

If he will agree to an open relationship you can try this but honestly this runs the risk of you falling for someone else and that will get really messy. I would say you probably need to accept that the relationship is over and end it sooner rather than later.

Pulipalaver · 09/03/2023 06:35

I just want to drop and say, I feel for you OP. Everything works for you in your marriage apart from this area. And splitting up would entail a whole load of pain that will give you just more problems, and damage children too. You are weighing up the value of your own needs which is never easy.
I have a friend on a similar course who has joined a website to get her needs met discreetly. I know the AIBU bunch will go crazy about this, but sometimes it is just less pain all round to do this.

mswales · 09/03/2023 06:44

You wouldn't be splitting your children's lives up over sex. You'd be splitting them up because you've got a bad relationship. Your partner was completely disinterested in your pleasure, clearly not bothered enough to engage with counselling etc and has now unilaterally decided that there will be no more sex. There's no way someone can not give a shit about their partner in the bedroom yet be a great partner outside of it. Intimacy is so much more than sex and you're clearly not getting intimacy in any form. You deserve to be with someone who loves and cares about you, that you are intimately connected with.

And your children deserve to grow up seeing healthy relationship modelling. Good luck

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