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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell dp I want to explore my sexuality

98 replies

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 02:52

After countless talks, counselling, books and switch ups. I've come to the conclusion that sex isn't going to happen for me and my dp. He seems okay with this but I'm not. I greive my woman-hood and feel so out of touch with myself. Since having dc I feel like I've lost myself and identity and the lack of sex (going on 3 years) has made it all the more worse for me.

I'm tired of talking, pleading and crying for my needs to be unheard. The main thing is it panics me to think this is it for me. I have had awful experiences back to hack sexually alot of that was down to naivety and being young. But I realised that all the men I've been with used me or abused me sexually and I want and NEED to prove to myself that good healthy intamcy does exist and it isn't just part of a fairy tale. I've tried to find healthier outlets. I've got a job. Got to the gym. Take up a hobby. Doing everything I can to fill this void but at the end of the day I'm seriously unhappy and dp is happy.

He is a selfish lover and if/when we do it it's always all take and no give which plays into my need to explore my sexuality more.

Aibu for advocating for myself and saying enough is enough I want to explore even if it just once

It's got to the point that I don't even think I'm sexually attracted to dp anymore and he go me. He swears blind that's not the case but doesn't touch me and if he does there is no foreplay. Neither of us want to leave the relationship but he isn't willing to have an open one either. He may be okay doing nothing but I'm not so this is my last resort short of going insane!

OP posts:

barmycatmum · 09/03/2023 06:50

Just get a good vibrator. Honestly, men are crap in general. The odds of finding a good lover are slim to none.

Puppers · 09/03/2023 06:55

enough is enough I want to explore even if it just once

By "explore your sexuality", you just mean have sex with someone? How would having sex with someone else "just once" solve any of your problems?

it's not cheating. I'm going to tell him my intentions

That's still cheating. He hasn't agreed to an open relationship. If you sleep with someone else, regardless of whether or not you tell him you're going to, that's cheating.

It sounds like you're hoping he'll either put up with your cheating (which, by the way, is not what an open marriage is) or you'll force him to be the one to end things. Just do the right thing and call it a day properly so that you can both focus on getting your kids through the split. Don't make it messy and acrimonious because that would be so awful for them.

timeforchampagne · 09/03/2023 06:57

I wonder if your dp will agree To let you cheat so you are the unreasonable one when he divorces you and he can paint you as the bad person to friends and family

your children will thank you for splitting up so you can show them what a healthy relationship looks like rather than an unhappy marriage: they will notice

Yerroblemom1923 · 09/03/2023 06:59

I totally agree with @Pulipalaver. It is possible to be together separately within the same house, co parent effectively and still be the best of friends while getting one's needs met discreetly.
Aibu probably isn't the best place for your post, OP. You might get more useful advice on Relationships.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/03/2023 07:00

I would rather not split up my children's lives over sex and just sort myself out

you are minimising this
it’s not just ‘sex’
its a major deal breaker !!

and you think getting ‘just sex’ online is easy ?

no my friend ! It’s complex , time consuming

and when you find a man that is ok to have casual sex with a coupled up woman … it will get messy
to have good sex you need to like them and trust them

then feelings come in
how often will you see them ?
what will you say to DP?

there is no shortage of men who will fuck
but you will have to trawl through loads to find on thats ok

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/03/2023 07:16

I can't believe that he is utterly selfish in bed but great the rest of the time.

Dozycuntlaters · 09/03/2023 07:36

You wouldn't be ending your relationship just because of sex but because you're with someone who doesn't respect and care about your wants and needs.

To be honest you will not find what you're looking for with no strings sex. You are either going to feel like you're being used, which is how you've felt in the past, or more likely you are going to find someone you get feelings for and then what happens. I honestly don't think you realise how difficult it would be to find someone to just have sex with. I mean yeah you could sign up to one of these sites and get yourself a shag pretty quick but with who...,. Most of the men would be pretty grim and you don't find what you're looking for. And would you really want sex with a stranger, wouldn't you find it empty and soul destroying and feel even more used. You really do need to step back, think logically and realise you're living in an ideal world and not in reality.

Your husband sounds selfish. Your relationship is dead. In your situation I don't see you have any other option but to leave, otherwise your self respect and esteem will be on the floor.

Forensix · 09/03/2023 08:00

You're not wrong for feeling this way. It's not cheating. It's understandable. I love my DH with all my heart and could never see a day that I'd leave him, I'd end up in a situation like this before I'd leave him. But I think I'd sacrifice sex as I don't think I'd like the idea of bothering with anyone else to be honest. But I don't think you're wrong for feeling this way.

jays · 09/03/2023 08:09

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:14

@WandaWonder it's not cheating. I'm going to tell him my intentions. If he isn't comfortable with it then he needs to either face the music and do something about it instead of putting his head in the sand or leave. I'm tired of feeling like wasted goods and that someone has this much dictation over my body when they don't even want it!!!

It is cheating though. If my dh told me he was going to sleep with someone else and I didn’t want that to happen, that’s cheating. I mean this in no bad way, but you seem really defensive and a little angry and I’m not sure if that’s because you know what you’re planning on doing isn’t the best. I think you need to give your dh an ultimatum, either he actively works on that side of the relationship with you or it’s over. Not ‘or I’m sleeping with someone else’. That’s really unhealthy and actually abusive to do that to someone, to put them through feeling that way because they won’t do what you want, and that’s ultimately what you’d be doing. It’s a threat really and a good relationship has no room for that. You’re absolutely right to expect him to work with you and if you’re unhappy, absolutely, end the relationship, but ‘exploring your sexuality’ without your partners agreement … it’s cheating. Just because you tell him, it’s doesn’t make it not cheating. If my dh told me he was going to hit me, it’s still dv even if he pre warned me. You sound like you’re at the end of your tether and I’m in no way making light of how you’re feeling, it must be awful on so many levels. In my opinion though, this isn’t the answer and it will result in your marriage ending after a lot of hurt and pain have been caused. Better just to go straight to the marriage ending.

minisoksmakehardwork · 09/03/2023 08:12

If you remain in a sexless relationship that makes you unhappy, you are showing your children that this is what relationships are. That it's all take from one person with the other feeling dissatisfied.

Is that the message you want to give them? Surely better for one of you to walk away and your children to have happy, fulfilled parents rather than one resenting the others choice - which is what they have now and what they will have if your dh does not want an open relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 08:16

Only one person needs to decide it’s over. He doesn’t have to agree. A sexless relationship without mutual agreement is a miserable thing and it’s a fine reason to leave.

What you’re suggesting is something he’ll see as blackmail - shag me as I want you to or I’ll get it elsewhere. That’ll end the relationship for sure and then you’ve no chance of an amicable split which could badly impact on future coparenting dynamic.

knittingaddict · 09/03/2023 08:19

If you pursue this op then your relationship is going to end anyway. It might not be immediate but it will be somewhere down the line.

Just split up and look for a new relationship then. Much less messy all round and more chance of hanging on to your self esteem.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/03/2023 08:27

You are doing your children a great disservice by looking for workarounds to stay with a man who isn't worth staying with. They learn how to be a partner in a relationship from the home they live in.

Original poster

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 08:31

I have offered dp an ultimatum before. I even told him I was having fantasies about cheating. I did all this to convey how serious and urgent I was being. That was a year ago now. I told him if he didn't sort himself out I was going to go else where I'm the hopes it would give him the kick in the bum. But nope. It's pitiful. Either he doesn't care to lose me or just can't be bothered to do anything about it but does.

To those saying about my children seeing how unhappy I am. They won't. I'm really good at masking it. I've developed this technique from living in plenty of abusive households. So much so that when I try to express to my dp I'm unhappy everytime he acts like I've caught him off guard and tells me "but you've been fine" (despite the lack of sex).

I'm just finding this all so hard. I know getting a sex buddy won't be this ideal setup I have in my head but I need to do something. I constantly neglect and sacrifice my own needs for the sake of my family but this is killing my self esteem and happiness. I matter too.

I'm not trying to corner my dp and force his hand into breaking up with me by doing this as much as he isn't trying to corner me into breaking up with him by not having sex.

@Pulipalaver what website was this?

OP posts:

changerling · 09/03/2023 08:38

There are loads of websites to find discrete affair partners. Just google "married affair" and you'll find them. Most are free for women and men have to pay. You will find someone, but most will be married men lying to their wives so that's something else to consider.

Forensix · 09/03/2023 08:39

Your first message says you don't want to leave the relationship, but this message you talk about masking because you're used to abusive relationships. Kindly, you need to leave this relationship. You're clinging on to nothing.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 08:42

Well he’s said no to an open relationship, so you can tell him it’s that or separation.. but it might mean separation.

It does sound like it’s over, and you might be best to accept that, difficult though it is.

HoppingMarchHares · 09/03/2023 08:44

It sounds to me like your DH is asexual. Nothing you or he can do about that (I'm asexual).

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 08:44

It’s not an ultimatum if you don’t follow through. So don’t bother saying something similar again.

Just break up.

He doesn’t want to have sex. You can’t and shouldn’t try to make him. He shouldn’t be forcing you to be celibate.

It’s a big deal. Not one you can resolve. Stop flogging a dead horse.

Choconut · 09/03/2023 08:44

So if you offered your OH an ultimatum before why didn't you follow through with it? He's not going to take you seriously now is he? It's blatantly clear he is not going to change because if he was then he would have by now.

Tell him you don't want to split up the family but you want an open relationship otherwise you will have to split up. Be aware though that even if he agrees to it it may lead to him being very unhappy and he might not be as good at masking as you. If you open up the marriage without his consent then it's cheating, but if he does agree he might still be/end up very unhappy. You need to stop giving meaningless ultimatums that you won't follow through though - because it just suggests you're trying to force him to do what you want by emotional blackmail.

You need to actually be prepared to leave or you need to learn to live with it.

Starflecked · 09/03/2023 08:45

You basically said if you don't have sex with me I'll cheat on you? Wow. It's important to talk about sex, it's also not unreasonable to be unhappy and unfulfilled in a sexless marriage; what isn't okay is basically blackmailing someone into having sex with these sorts of threats. It sounds like there are probably deeper reasons he doesn't want sex, but it's not solved by you giving an ultimatum.

Of course you can ask him if he's happy with an arrangement where you have sex elsewhere, but I suspect even if he agrees it won't bode well for the future it also won't really solve anything. Reality is the best course of action if you're mismatched is to leave him and move on, find someone you are more sexually compatible with.

neverendinglauaundry · 09/03/2023 08:48

From what you've said your choices are to split up or accept the situation as it is currently. Only you can weigh up which one you want to do.

butterfliedtwo · 09/03/2023 08:49

You're kidding yourself thinking the kids won't know. But you've made up your mind, so it won't matter what anyone says.

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 08:52

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:14

Some men flaunt their relationships with other women in front of their wives faces, it is still cheating. Your relationship sounds like it is finished, so just end it and stop with this “exploring my sexuality” claptrap.

minipie · 09/03/2023 08:53

barmycatmum · 09/03/2023 06:50

Just get a good vibrator. Honestly, men are crap in general. The odds of finding a good lover are slim to none.

Yes I wondered this. If it is just about having your sexual needs met then a box of toys is a lot more likely to yield good results than a series of hook ups which may well be mediocre and at worst could be very unpleasant for you.

The fact that you are focusing on sex with other people says it’s not fully about sexual needs. Is it maybe more about feeling rejected by your partner and wanting to do something that might cause him to react and make an effort sexually?

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