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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell dp I want to explore my sexuality

98 replies

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 02:52

After countless talks, counselling, books and switch ups. I've come to the conclusion that sex isn't going to happen for me and my dp. He seems okay with this but I'm not. I greive my woman-hood and feel so out of touch with myself. Since having dc I feel like I've lost myself and identity and the lack of sex (going on 3 years) has made it all the more worse for me.

I'm tired of talking, pleading and crying for my needs to be unheard. The main thing is it panics me to think this is it for me. I have had awful experiences back to hack sexually alot of that was down to naivety and being young. But I realised that all the men I've been with used me or abused me sexually and I want and NEED to prove to myself that good healthy intamcy does exist and it isn't just part of a fairy tale. I've tried to find healthier outlets. I've got a job. Got to the gym. Take up a hobby. Doing everything I can to fill this void but at the end of the day I'm seriously unhappy and dp is happy.

He is a selfish lover and if/when we do it it's always all take and no give which plays into my need to explore my sexuality more.

Aibu for advocating for myself and saying enough is enough I want to explore even if it just once

It's got to the point that I don't even think I'm sexually attracted to dp anymore and he go me. He swears blind that's not the case but doesn't touch me and if he does there is no foreplay. Neither of us want to leave the relationship but he isn't willing to have an open one either. He may be okay doing nothing but I'm not so this is my last resort short of going insane!

OP posts:

EnterChasedByAMemory · 10/03/2023 17:46

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 21:45

No my partner isn't asexual

No toys won't substitute for feeling desired/wanted

I don't care what the situations of the men I get with are as long as they are considerate and selfless in bed

Most of my sexual experiences have been non consensual or one sided

I'm only 25 so I don't want this to be a life sentence of nothing

Dp still masturbates but I think he would rather drag on our relationship than be honest with himself that he doesn't like me in that way

To all those advising me to have talks before I force him into sex (what?) We have had plenty of talks, years! When I said for him to fix up I didn't mean for him to pounce on me but to be seen to be doing something about our situation, whether that be communicating to me rather than putting his head in the sand (I'm always the one that initiates these convos) or gets a sex therapist which i have been strongly recommending for us.

I don’t understand why you don’t just leave? I’m not sure if I’ve missed it, but if you’re not married, then it might easier to leave than go through the process of divorce.

If your partner isn’t willing to consider an open relationship, then it is cheating. The crux of the matter is if you or your partner wants to leave or not. If you’re not leaving, then will you be truly happy? You don’t sound like it.

You need to ask yourself, what is it that you are gaining from this relationship? And what is that your DP is gaining? I think you should weigh up the pros and cons of staying vs leaving.

Surely you are old enough to realise that you don’t want to spend the next 5-10 years like this? Children are resilient. But if you want to model a healthy relationship. You can do that by co-parenting separately. That way you are both free to find more happier and more fulfilling relationships.

EnterChasedByAMemory · 10/03/2023 17:57

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 08:31

I have offered dp an ultimatum before. I even told him I was having fantasies about cheating. I did all this to convey how serious and urgent I was being. That was a year ago now. I told him if he didn't sort himself out I was going to go else where I'm the hopes it would give him the kick in the bum. But nope. It's pitiful. Either he doesn't care to lose me or just can't be bothered to do anything about it but does.

To those saying about my children seeing how unhappy I am. They won't. I'm really good at masking it. I've developed this technique from living in plenty of abusive households. So much so that when I try to express to my dp I'm unhappy everytime he acts like I've caught him off guard and tells me "but you've been fine" (despite the lack of sex).

I'm just finding this all so hard. I know getting a sex buddy won't be this ideal setup I have in my head but I need to do something. I constantly neglect and sacrifice my own needs for the sake of my family but this is killing my self esteem and happiness. I matter too.

I'm not trying to corner my dp and force his hand into breaking up with me by doing this as much as he isn't trying to corner me into breaking up with him by not having sex.

@Pulipalaver what website was this?

@2amthoughts I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lived in abusive households. I can’t help but feel that this is why you aren’t leaving?

This part stood out to me:
I constantly neglect and sacrifice my own needs for the sake of my family but this is killing my self esteem and happiness. I matter too.

There’s only so long you can mask things. Eventually the mask slips here and there and children pick up on a lot more things than people give them credit for. Also, it’s not good to mask happiness constantly as it can be draining and put a toll on your mental health and well-being.

You need to value yourself and think about how you see your future. Can you see yourself masking your happiness for the next 5-10 years or more? Is it worth it? Especially when you could find happiness elsewhere so you don’t have to pretend that you’re happy, you simply just will be. Everyone has good days and bad days, but this way of pretending and putting on a fake mask of happiness is not sustainable and I worry that this will make you even more unhappy deep inside.

You need to go to individual counselling so that you can see that you do matter and your happiness should count too. You don’t have to be self-sacrificing nor is anyone asking that of you…it’s not selfish to want happiness and eventually your children will grow up and leave the nest. And then what? Will you still try sacrifice your needs?

MichelleScarn · 10/03/2023 17:59

You're only 25 and have been with him several years? Oh no you cannot live like this.
Leave him and find your way to happy life.
You are so young! How old are your kids?

OhmygodDont · 10/03/2023 18:05

You think a fuck buddy is going to be a selfless lover? Make you feel desired and wanted? Sorry but it’s going to make you feel worse overall, they might desire you but don’t because they think you are amazing but because they desire sex.

Men who are willing to be the side bit don’t exactly come across selfless either.

your 25. Split up rather than live this life.

iklboo · 10/03/2023 18:57

I don't care what the situations of the men I get with are as long as they are considerate and selfless in bed

So it doesn't matter if they're in a relationship themselves as long as they're a good shag?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/03/2023 22:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking. That's what communication is.

If you feel unable to go on without having a sex life of some kind then those are indeed the options: open marriage or divorce

summerpoolandsun · 10/03/2023 22:34

If he’s not happy with open marriage your only option is divorce. Would you be ok with that?

Moser85 · 11/03/2023 00:00

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/03/2023 22:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking. That's what communication is.

If you feel unable to go on without having a sex life of some kind then those are indeed the options: open marriage or divorce

He has already said no to an open marriage.

TR888 · 11/03/2023 00:44

OP. You've been open with your husband and said you were considering a lover. He still can't bring himself to touch it. Then please follow through and find a lover through the several married dating websites out there.

Then hopefully, you'll pick up the courage to leave. Picture yourself in 5 years time. 19 years time - do you like what you see?

To recap: a) find a lover; b) prepare to leave; c) leave.

Keep your husband updated at all times if you feel he'd prefer that. But I think you might find he prefers not to discuss things, as long as you're discreet.

You only live once.

JackieDaws · 11/03/2023 00:51

Is he a high earner, OP? Would your lifestyle be severely curtailed if you were to split up?

Deathbyfluffy · 11/03/2023 01:14

Pulipalaver · 09/03/2023 06:35

I just want to drop and say, I feel for you OP. Everything works for you in your marriage apart from this area. And splitting up would entail a whole load of pain that will give you just more problems, and damage children too. You are weighing up the value of your own needs which is never easy.
I have a friend on a similar course who has joined a website to get her needs met discreetly. I know the AIBU bunch will go crazy about this, but sometimes it is just less pain all round to do this.

When a woman on here finds a man is cheating, everyone is up in arms - yet if it’s a woman wanting to cheat they get tips on how to do it!

Gotta love MN 😅

SomersetONeil · 11/03/2023 01:23

It’s almost as if ‘MN’ is made up of 100s of 1000s of individual users….

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/03/2023 08:15

What bloody difference does it make if he is a high earner and her lifestyle would be curtaied? If she doesn't want a sexless relationship and he does then they have to separate. If she wants to stay for his money, then she needs to put up with the lack of sex and by a vibratory.

howmanybicycles · 11/03/2023 16:48

To recap: a) find a lover; b) prepare to leave; c) leave.

No, that's a shit way to treat someone. It should be a) prepare to leave b) leave c) find a lover.

ChickenDhansak82 · 11/03/2023 16:55

With the title of "To tell dp I want to explore my sexuality" I assumed this post was going to be about you having potential feelings for women and hence wanted to explore your sexuality.

What you're actually saying is sex is more important than a relationship and you want to go and shag other men.

If your DP doesn't want an open relationship (fair enough) then you need to either end it or accept what you have.

If he still masturbates then perhaps your constant urge to have sex is a complete turn off for him as he knows he will never be good enough?

yousexybugger · 11/03/2023 17:16

I think you're viewing things all wrong. Your experiences are very complicated clearly but you seem to feel empowered in saying 'I want to have sex elsewhere. If you don't like it, leave'. Actually, if you don't want to proceed in a non-open relationship and DP is not into it then the onus is on you to leave, not forge ahead anyway. That's cheating and entirely of your volition. He isn't backing you into a corner. You're 25. Many PPs with much more understanding of kids than me have said that yes, they will pick up that their mother is unhappy. You're unhappy. Your DP will not budge in terms of either working on the sex or opening the relationship. Which leaves you three choices. Cheat without his consent. Leave. Carry on as you are.

What is so scary about ending a relationship that doesn't fulfil you? Surely you can see this is a more constructive base for an amicable co-parenting relationship?

yousexybugger · 11/03/2023 17:17

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/03/2023 08:15

It might be a factor making it harder to leave if she isn't financially independent.

WilsonMilson · 11/03/2023 17:21

Sounds like you just want an excuse to cheat, and to make it sound acceptable by giving a gaslighty reason why - if what you said came from a man, absolutely no one on this site would support you.

If you’re that miserable and disconnected from your dh and neither of you are willing to work on it, then do the decent thing and split up, but don’t go looking for anyone to condone cheating.

ThatsNiceVeryNice · 11/03/2023 17:23

2amthoughts · 09/03/2023 03:02

@SomersetONeil he doesn't want to. He is happy being in a sexless relationship. I'm haply having dc full time. If I can get my needs met elsewhere and everyone's happy I don't see the problem

Oh dear. Are you really sure you can't see a problem with this idea?

TheGoogleMum · 11/03/2023 17:27

Is it that he doesn't actually know what to do to please you? I guess if he won't try to work on it together there's not much you can do to guide him!

Besttobe8001 · 11/03/2023 17:36

I've spent a few years having casual sex as a childfree single person.

Please understand it's never as carefree and easy as you might think, because there are real people involved with real emotions.

One guy stalked me.. one guy fell in love with me, I myself have had feelings for what was supposed to be a casual fling.

You think you'll just be able to find someone wonderful who will make you cum with no emotional attachment and separate from your family life, which you MIGHT. But it's risky, emotionally, practically, safety wise. And I doubt it's the best thing for your kids.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 11/03/2023 17:45

You shouldn't have children if you're not willing to put them first. Cheating on their father (and informing him first doesn't stop it being cheating) just because you want to feel sexually desired, is not okay. I'm sick of reading on here about people who put their needs before their kids because they 'deserve better'. Grow up, be a good mother, put your kids first; you are not the priority any more.

GoodChat · 11/03/2023 18:42

@yousexybugger is that's the case then she'll need to sort her financial independence before she starts shagging around

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