To tell dp I want to explore my sexuality

[2amthoughts]

After countless talks, counselling, books and switch ups. I've come to the conclusion that sex isn't going to happen for me and my dp. He seems okay with this but I'm not. I greive my woman-hood and feel so out of touch with myself. Since having dc I feel like I've lost myself and identity and the lack of sex (going on 3 years) has made it all the more worse for me.

I'm tired of talking, pleading and crying for my needs to be unheard. The main thing is it panics me to think this is it for me. I have had awful experiences back to hack sexually alot of that was down to naivety and being young. But I realised that all the men I've been with used me or abused me sexually and I want and NEED to prove to myself that good healthy intamcy does exist and it isn't just part of a fairy tale. I've tried to find healthier outlets. I've got a job. Got to the gym. Take up a hobby. Doing everything I can to fill this void but at the end of the day I'm seriously unhappy and dp is happy.

He is a selfish lover and if/when we do it it's always all take and no give which plays into my need to explore my sexuality more.

Aibu for advocating for myself and saying enough is enough I want to explore even if it just once

It's got to the point that I don't even think I'm sexually attracted to dp anymore and he go me. He swears blind that's not the case but doesn't touch me and if he does there is no foreplay. Neither of us want to leave the relationship but he isn't willing to have an open one either. He may be okay doing nothing but I'm not so this is my last resort short of going insane!

I did similar to this and am now in a relationship with a friend and not my husband

I think you are mixing/confusing several issues:

• you are not attracted to your partner anymore and don't want to have sex with him.

But also

• you have never had satisfying sex with men in general, because most of your partners have been abusive/uncaring.

That's a lot to unpack...

There is no certainty that if you just take a lover you will suddenly have a fulfilling sex life if you don't first try to work out why you keep getting into relationships/bed with men who can't make you happy.

Yes, it could be that you have been very unlucky and all the men you have met were selfish lovers and abusive partners or it could be that you somehow gravitate towards this type of dynamic and you need to first understand why and break the cycle.

I personally would end your current relationship rather than drag things on and then spend a bit of time maybe with some counselling looking at the root cause of your unsuccessful relationships so you can built better connections and have better sex.

Why do you believe life would be so awful if you split?

I hardly think an open relationship is gona fix the problems tou clearly already have your gona make it even worse. If he is happy and your not then leave rather than cheating as thats what it is if he doesn't wish for open

Seems you want the best of both worlds. Well life doesn’t work out like that. Just leave him and get on with your life.

He might not want to break up, but you do.

I don't think you can dress it up as "exploring your sexuality" you need to be frank and honest and say that you want to be with someone who will give oyu the level of intimacy you need.

I can't recall another op who is as deep in denial as you are. You are gaslighting yourself to believe your children don't know how miserable you are, (they absolutely do), and that your relationship issues are all about sex. They're absolutely not. You have no intimate connection with this man, he ignores your needs, and doesn't even have enough respect for you to even attempt to meet you half way or work on the problems.

Your relationship is already over, and you're just clinging on to a fallacy.

Think your title is misleading.
You are asking complete strangers to give you the okay to have sex outside of
It's your dp who you need to be having the conversation with.
You can't go off having sex because you got say 51% yanbu....It's your family that's important.Do you want to stay with so and go to others for sex or make a fresh start?your dc will start to figure things out when older,do you want them to see this ?

Outside of your relationship

You are not being honest with yourself. Why are you so against the prospect of splitting up? If your husband is otherwise ok (?) you should be able to co-parent amicably when you split up. You have pushed your own needs down so far that you no longer recognise what they are, and you are convincing yourself that sex would solve everything. But your DH would still be rejecting you every day, and every day you would be kidding yourself that it doesn't affect the rest of your relationship. And the biggest lie, that your children don't notice. Get some counseling for yourself please, you have many unresolved issues.

If he says he doesn't want in and you still do it, you are cheating. Perhaps explore why ending the relationship to get your needs met seems such a no no to you.

Good sex usually ime comes in 2 types, either you have some good connection with the other person, or you have had enough alcohol to lower your inhibitions ( but not enough to be unable to consent) and you have been lucky to hook up with someone who is a decent shag. This is rare.
I can't imagine its from meeting strangers on line, many of who will be on there thinking its a great way to get a quick shag with minimal effort and therefore not be particularly interested in your needs

Op.
I was in your situation except:
We don’t have kids
He’s not a selfish lover

We had counselling for a very long time and given DP’s libido went from loads to nothing pretty much overnight, our counsellor thought it was related to his testosterone. He’s undergoing medical treatment for something else currently but wouldn’t speak to his GP about bloods for his hormones.

the short version is we split up. This is beyond just wanting to have sex and sorting yourself out and is about mutual intimacy

He doesn't want an open relationship, and he doesn't want to break up either.

Well, you need his permission for an open relationship, but you don't need his permission to leave.

OP you sound like my partner, I was given a very similar option even though our sex life is good. Think he just wants to fuck other people

No my partner isn't asexual

No toys won't substitute for feeling desired/wanted

I don't care what the situations of the men I get with are as long as they are considerate and selfless in bed

Most of my sexual experiences have been non consensual or one sided

I'm only 25 so I don't want this to be a life sentence of nothing

Dp still masturbates but I think he would rather drag on our relationship than be honest with himself that he doesn't like me in that way

To all those advising me to have talks before I force him into sex (what?) We have had plenty of talks, years! When I said for him to fix up I didn't mean for him to pounce on me but to be seen to be doing something about our situation, whether that be communicating to me rather than putting his head in the sand (I'm always the one that initiates these convos) or gets a sex therapist which i have been strongly recommending for us.

I'm not really sure what you're asking. AIBU for being bloody miserable and wanting to change things....then no your not. I just can't see how you intend to both explore your sexuality yet keep the family together. Unless I'm missing something you need to split up....or you will.
He doesn't want an open marriage. Will he leave if you chose this option?
If yes, let's assume you lie. You hide it. You know you can't do that forever right?
Let's say he says yes (under duress)...you have multiple flings with men who want you just for sex ....this adds to your feelings of misery
OK, so now you meet a man that respects and cares for you...you have wonderful sex together....well you're gonna fall in love aren't you....and break his heart..or separate.
Are there options I've not considered....oh yes, he has sex with other women and leaves you (I think he's probably doing this anyway)

Last point...when you say explore your sexuality do you mean with men, or do you suspect you might be attracted to women? Again, possibility of breaking someone's heart. Not liking men much and wanting a fulfilling life does not mean your lesbian.

Separate - it's coming one way or another. Do it on your terms.

You’re only 25 and you plan to keep on play-acting a relationship indefinitely because you think that’s somehow better for your children than an honest, sensible and totally normal relationship break-up?

That won’t end well

The thing is you can't force someone to have sex with you and this is what it seems like. You just need to split up.

I think YABU because you want your needs met and trying to force a situation. Would you rather force someone to have sex with you knowing full well what you're doing and knowing there is nothing in it for him or be single and explore your sexuality like you want too.

Also forcing someone and telling them they need to do it would be classed as R wouldn't it? I won't type the full thing for obvious reasons but I do feel if the roles were reversed it'd be classed as that.

What a load of wasted energy. Just break up and find someone you are sexually compatible with.

OMG just read you are only 25. I thought you were much older. It’s over. He doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s not working and he has not attempted to make it work. Your children must be young, they will be fine. You won’t be masking your unhappiness as well as you think, young children are instinctive. You are plastering on fake happiness every day and showing them this is how to live your life. Honestly just end it.

*No toys won't substitute for feeling desired/wanted

I don't care what the situations of the men I get with are as long as they are considerate and selfless in bed*

But these men you want to explore with whilst staying in a relationship with your DH are not likely to be considerate and selfless in bed. Neither are they likely to make you feel wanted or desired. They are most likely selfish bastards looking for a quick shag.

You need to separate from your DH and start looking for a more fulfilling proper relationship

Hi op, what reasoning has your dh given for not wanting to work on the intimacy in your relationship? Are you ever affectionate together in other ways eg cuddling, hand holding, kissing etc?

It's hard to say without understanding where he's coming from but to me it seems like you've come to a natural crossroads and he's clearly told you that he isn't willing to be in an open relationship but isn't willing to increase intimacy. You've given him an ultimatum and he's essentially answered you already. All you can do now is decide what you do going forwards. Your options are to cheat because he's not willing to be in an open relationship, to stay in the relationship as it is and accept that or you leave and find someone who you feel is more compatible for you.

You say your dh needs to sort himself out- in what way exactly? Is his mood low? Does he feel badly about himself? Issues with Ed? Or has it just been so long he's really unsure and self conscious about where to start? If you say he's not asexual then to me there must be an underlying issue that is affecting things.

I have had awful experiences back to hack sexually alot of that was down to naivety and being young. But I realised that all the men I've been with used me or abused me sexually and I want and NEED to prove to myself that good healthy intamcy does exist and it isn't just part of a fairy tale.

I had very similar experiences and while I didn't set out to prove anything to myself I did randomly end up with a FWB (when I wasn't looking) and it was very healing. I was single at the time though.

To those saying about my children seeing how unhappy I am. They won't. I'm really good at masking it. I've developed this technique from living in plenty of abusive households. So much so that when I try to express to my dp I'm unhappy everytime he acts like I've caught him off guard and tells me "but you've been fine" (despite the lack of sex).

This was me too! Guess what happened! I went from being perfectly physically healthy and also able to mask all my emotions to becoming chronically ill after all my stress hormones etc. went out of control. I'm still not back to normal yet!

I went for EMDR. I never would have tried therapy except for the physical effects forced me to deal with the emotional side.
I actually couldn't do the EMDR because you have to think about the distressing feelings....but I was so used to stopping myself from feeling them that I'd shut them down as soon as I felt them and tell the therapist "I'm fine now" 😂😂The therapist was like nooooooo 😂

I'm really not sure what you can do in your situation if you're not willing to leave, you already said he won't agree to an open relationship, are you essentially going to tell him that you're having one anyway whether he agrees or not?