To feel really upset after 12 month check?

[Babyimyours]

For background, my sister has ASD and is non verbal. In her 20s and will never live independently. I was worried about disability before conceiving. We had genetic counselling (recommended by MIL and husband two months before our wedding but that’s another story). We had a preterm but mostly healthy baby boy who is very socially engaged and loves books and nursery rhymes.

We just had the 12 month check but did the 10 month questionnaire because of said prematurity. He did well on some things but she said that she wants to review his communication in 3 months. I feel so, so upset. If anything communication was the thing I felt relaxed about (he isn’t pulling himself up, crawling or cruising yet though is a big boy. She’s not worried about this.)

I didn’t tick the box for him saying mama or dada or babbling. The thing is, he first said mummy at six months. He has since said it sporadically as well as other words such as Daddy, Wow, Yes, No, Hi etc. He says these sporadically but in context. Other people have commented on how advanced he seems communication and eye contact wise.

I did explain this. I left feeling crushed. Probably disproportionately so because of my family history. I don’t think my husband understands why I’m so upset. He didn’t comfort me or give me a hug, just told me I was being negative. The health visitor is emailing us a list of games to play with him. It is hard not to feel judged.

AIBU to be panicking now? I wish we hadn’t gone. I feel really teary and sad.

Not specifically those things but yes he is very very focused on what you’re doing when you speak to him. He’s not that mobile so wouldn’t follow me so much as try and climb me. I think he understands no because I say it when he bites me. He also says no himself and shakes his head no.

He waves his arms or whinges if he wants to be picked up.

He absolutely knows who we are and is very attached to us. If one of us enters to the room without saying hello to him he gets annoyed. If adults refuse to engage with him generally he gets annoyed.

Haha this is so funny. I kept calling it the cheerio exam. Cheerios (the UK version) seemed like a choking hazard to me so I don’t know why they said to use them.

I'm the mum of a pre-term baby. The milestone checks are very broad-brush even for term babies, and I think that using the age-adjusted developmental checks for pre-termers is even less exact because, well, they haven't had the pre-birth "cooking" that a full term baby has had, and I think it can take longer than the length of time early they were born for them to catch up IYSWIM. My baby was also two months early, and it took until about her 2nd/3rd birthday to catch up on everything in terms of size, motor skills and language (although she caught up on some things very quickly). Your baby sounds like he is doing really well in the communication front.

I just wanted to mention the autism angle as well. Your fear of your baby being autistic is natural, given your family history. I don't know what the outcome of your genetic counselling was, but it is probably worth saying that your sister's autism sounds severe and that, even if your baby did turn out to be autistic, only some autistic children will be as badly affected as your sister is. FWIW, my DD has recently been diagnosed as autistic and, yes, we have had occasional problems to manage, but she is a happy girl doing really well at school and in her general life. A lot of adults in her life don't even know that she is autistic.

I mean this really kindly but are you going to be really upset every time something happens which makes you worry about signs of autism in your baby? This kind of worrying will be hard for you and your DH, so maybe you need to try to think more along the lines of "crossing the bridge if and when you come to it" (which may well be never) and to try not to let things like this milestone check weigh too much on your mind.

Don't feel judged by the health visitor, by the way. Use the info she sends you and see how your baby responds. It doesn't mean that you have been doing anything wrong, and the games might be good fun!

It sounds like your issue is form filling rather than your DS’ development.

I have a DSS with significant learning disabilities (like your sister he will never live independently, he requires round the clock care and supervision), it’s really hard not to constantly worry about my own children, because I’m so conscious of it all. The anxiety can really take away the joy of milestones.

He's saying more than my DD at 23 months! She didn't start saying mama and dads until about 16 months.

He actually sounds quite advanced being able to say daddy, yes and no at 12 months!

I think you've just interpreted the questions too literally and then been a bit overwhelmed if baby was upset. I wouldn't worry about it. Instead do try the activities she suggests. If anything she sounds overzealous but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

So based on your answers, you under-sold some skills by over analysing the questions :) he is where he needs to be, enjoy him and take advantage of another visit because you may have different questions to what you have now 😊😊😊

And like another MN member said, HV team give extra visits so nobody falls through the net. Take care :)

My second son was slightly behind with speech and we were referred to speech therapy and to a special language playgroup when he was 3. He was talking non stop by about 6 and now (aged in his 30's) has a PhD in Philosophy and is working as a writer in medical communications (ie his job is in communication). He is engaged and has a beautiful baby daughter. Please try not to panic just yet!!

OP when my DS had his 2 year check he was behind in his speech, within a year he had caught up fully and now we cant get him to stop talking.

My DD on the other hand was ahead at her 1 year check and way ahead at her 2 year check even answering questions the hv asked her that were for older children, she has since been diagnosed with DCD, ADHD and is borderline ASD.

If I was you OP I really wouldn't worry at this point even with family history, babies/children grow and develop at their own rate.

There seems to be such variety in what health visitors say. Mine said not to worry at 1-year check as some babies don't start saying words until they're nearly 2, whereas you hear from others that if their baby isn't saying X amount of words by 1 or 1.5 years they should be worried.

He sounds like he is doing great! My eldest DS only said dada and cat until he was almost three. He is now 6, never shuts up and has better speech than my niece and nephew who are the same age. He was just a late bloomer!

At the other end of the scale my DD has Down syndrome so has a speech delay. She is 5 and can say lots of single words just not always clearly. Makaton really helps her and is great for all kids language development even if they are typically developing so watching Mr Tumble will be great for him and you to pick some up!

But I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He sounds like he is doing well!

Honestly OP he sounds like he is thriving. Did the health visitor know your family history? If so they might be keeping an extra eye just as a precaution in case any early intervention is needed but honestly I don't think you have anything to worry about

My son didn’t say a word until he was over 2. He’s now a bright teenager sitting his GCSEs and got into college for coming September. Don’t worry health visitors hardly know anything really.

Please don't worry about it. My daughter had her 9-12 month check the day after she turned 9 months but as she was a month early she 'should' have been 8 months. Communication was also flagged as an issue with her. As was movement as she wasn't crawling yet. She wasn't saying anything. I wasn't worried as she was a literal baby so I wasn't expecting her to say anything yet! When they tried to arrange another appointment at 12 months I said she had started crawling and I really wasn't concerned at her lack of words. She said her first word at 13 months. Learned about 6 in a week then stopped them all til she was 18 months but in the meantime learned to walk. By 2 and a half she was speaking totally fluently. I really don't know why some HVs worry parents so unnecessarily about milestones that are 'normal' not to have met at that kind of age! Particularly when parents aren't raising any concerns themselves.

I've worked with babies for years OP, and the vast majority don't have any words at 12 months, let alone at 10 months corrected. She sounds very over-zealous, normally they won't even discuss speech and language delays until 2/2 and a half. So please don't worry he sounds like he's right on track

This is a good thing. 2 months premature is huge so they are keeping an eye on him and giving support to keep him on track

Are you a health visitor/know about development? My 18 month old babbles all the time but all what he can say is ‘dada’ but it doesn’t mean his dad he just says it randomly if that makes sense.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry just yet. My DS barely spoke until well after his second birthday. Less than a year later, he was reading!

Hi - don’t worry. I’m a Speech and Language Therapist. He’s too young to make any judgements yet. We normally wait until at least 3 before we worry about anything. Focus on lots of turn taking activities and on what he’s understanding. Don’t pressure him for speech. 😘

Wow really? My DD said "No!" and "Doggie" at 4 months. However she does have autism and very early speech is a common sign. She is behind in other things.
I'm sure your DD will be ahead in things other than speech, as it so often is the case.

Until my son learnt to talk I spent all my time panicking about how many words he had. The HV doesn’t know your child - if you’re not worried and he’s speaking as you suggest then it’ll be fine.

My eldest son had to go to speech there’s when he was three, he’s now 8 and very bright and can talk away. Please don’t worry, I genuinely believe babies are either walkers or talkers. Just put it to the back of your mind and please don’t worry.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful post. Yes, it doesn’t really seem that anyone knows what to do with premature babies when it comes to development. There are no hard and fast rules. I looked at the 12 month questionnaire first as I hadn’t realised we would be doing the 10 month one and he was doing some of the stuff on it like turning pages.

To be honest, I haven’t really worried about autism since he started smiling because the level of eye contact and social skills is such that people remark on it all the time. He is unusually engaged and communicative and very different to how I remember my sister being. If he was autistic of course I would love him just as much, and I hope you didn’t feel upset by my post. I think this has thrown me precisely because I wasn’t that worried about it - I was more worried about his gross motor skills which don’t even seem like she thinks they’re an issue.

Thanks so much. I have done some reading online this evening and it seems like three words for a 12 month old is quite early or at least not super common? On the great ormond street website the times for this were flexible anyway. And that’s without accounting for prematurity. As I said he has said way more than this, he just doesn’t do this very, very consistently. He’s also not been very well so has been either sleeping or watching telly a lot recently.

Wow really? My DD said "No!" and "Doggie" at 4 months. However she does have autism and very early speech is a common sign. She is behind in other things.
I'm sure your DD will be ahead in things other than speech, as it so often is the case.

I think speaking at 4 months old is definitely advanced! I think 1-3 words at about 12 months is average.

DD has possible autism too and SALT are seeing her again next month when she's 2