'Innocence is unattractive after a certain age"

[OldFan]

I just thought I'd offer you this gem.

Many years ago I had a casual thing with an older bloke, we were talking about drug dealing or something and I went 'oh but I wouldn't know anything about that,' I was kind of being coy and wasn't 100% serious (not that I know much about drugs at all IRL either.)

He became deadly serious and said 'innocence is unattractive after a certain age.'

Thinking back I've realized this is quite an odd comment and I have my own views on it, but would be interested in yours.

I was 21 and he was 47 if that makes a difference.

YABU- not a weird thing to say at all.

YANBU- weird

I mean, I get that not knowing much about the real world can be unattractive. But I meant the statement in general has an odd ring to me, and to me could have certain implications.

YANBU I think he was creepy and hinting something like when older men groom younger women by flattering her that she's oh so mature for her age and not like other girls her age. He was negging you so you then have to show him how mature you are. 21 is still a kid in many ways to be honest and I say this as a mid thirties woman who thought she was an old soul at 18 😂
He was self conscious about his age and hinting that you need to rise up to his level to impress him. He can fuck right off.

Urgh, then she shouldn't have been dating someone young enough to be his daughter.

I mean if I was 21 and messing about with a 47 year old who said that to me, I'd assume he meant "stop pretending to be a child" or similar? Innocence isn't something I personally view as attractive and tbh I see many girls my age doing the big doe eyed "oh I'd never know that hehe" routine and tbh it just seems insincere and a way of creepily pandering up to male ego of being this cute innocent little flower?

Tbh it's weird whether it was meant in that way or as in a "impress me you're an adult" way!

I assume he meant that ingenuine faux naivety and ignorance are eye-roll inducing and irritating. I somewhat agree. You’re making out like he was disappointed that you’re not an innocent little girl. In reality, he was saying the opposite - you’re an adult, stop pretending you don’t know about “adult” subjects.

Absolutely this. Women who pretend to be stupid because they think men find it attractive are very odd - I’ve never met an actual man who finds it attractive so I’m glad he set OP straight. Don’t pretend to be ignorant next time and you might get a better response from men.

I voted YABU because I think innocence can come a cross as odd fawning (sometimes), I think there are occasions when innocence or false innocence can be unattractive, but I think if that 47 year old had an issue with genuine innocence then he ld be better off pursuing more mature women.

I think such an age gap is creepy.

“Innocence” was clearly a more gentle way of saying “stupidity”.

Just sounds like the sort of crap men come out with to 'neg' women.

I had met a woman who was like it at one point and foud it kind of refreshing.

As to adult subjects- it was about drug dealing, he was into drugs and I never really was. I've never paid for drugs. I don't think that's a bad thing not to know much about, even now I'm 46.

Another weird thing he said- he got back with an ex as his main girlfriend, who he'd known years ago. He said 'I....loved...her when she was very young.' There wasn't an enormous age gap between them.

“Innocence” was clearly a more gentle way of saying “stupidity”.

Is it stupid to not know much about drug dealing? If so #stupidpride

Anyone who has a 'main girlfriend' is one to swerve.

It’s certainly stupid to pretend you don’t know something in order to be coy - which is what actually happened.

It sounds like he was trying to get the best of both worlds - a much younger woman but with the life experience of someone his own age.

For the record though, I'm nearly 50, have never taken any drugs, don't know of anyone who does and would have no idea where to get any 🤷‍♂️

@Namachanga I genuinely don't know much about it, so it wasn't 100% a pretence.

“I’m not getting the response I want so I’m changing the story”. Ok then 🙄

How on earth does anyone find being coy and faux-naive “refreshing”?! It’s one of the most irritating behaviours imaginable - and the fact you were doing it because you saw another woman so it and you thought it was refreshing just makes it worse.

I’ve never taken drugs, I still know about them. Like almost every single member of the adult population. At the very least, I don’t pretend to know less than I do in order to try and be “refreshing” to other people. You’re clearly just (still) annoyed that it backfired and you felt silly.

It's also stupid to tell a 21 this and not figure out that she's being coy for a reason perhaps not comfortable with talking about it. It's also stupid to assume that 21 is that certain age where you're automatically expected to be worldly. It's also stupid to put a woman more than half your age younger on the spot to ridicule her and to link it to attractiveness of all the expressions and words he could have chosen.
He was effectively saying come on you're old enough, any naivity about life makes me uncomfortable because teaching you about the world and you not knowing certain things reminds me of what an old creep I am to be perving on you. It was entirely about his own insecurities around age and wanting her to rise up to his age by shaming her rather than shaming himself for hitting on a young woman his daughter's age.

Well you can guess my age because I skim read the title as incontinence!

Hmm, I’d imagine he didn’t like the reminder than he was in fact in the presence of someone half his age.

I do agree with him somewhat, but I wouldn’t like it said to me.

I think genuine innocence can be an attractive quality, not necessarily sexy, unless you are a perv dating a much younger woman. I would consider it refreshing to be around someone that still retained a bit of innocence, compared to a jaded cynic, that saw only the bad, those kind of people are draining.
21 is still young enough to be innocent about some things, if he doesn’t like it then perhaps he ought to try dating someone his own age.

Personally, I might say I didn't know anything about a topic like drug dealing as a polite way of saying I wasn't interested in discussing it.

'Be Wise about What Is Good, Innocent about what is Evil' —Romans 16:19-20

In recent years I've kind of seen it as (I'm sure he didn't mean it this way and I like to think he isn't an actual paedo) it could imply he also finds very young and innocent people attractive (most 'paedoes aren't exclusively paedoes, they also have relationships with adults.)

Even you yourself have said that it was about being coy, and you were not being serious

What an odd thread. It sounds like you have unresolved feelings around that short lived relationship and are trying to make sense of it. Or you want readers to react in a certain way, but it isn't clear what way! I don't think strangers can really comment on something said to you so long ago without more context, what kind of person he was, what kind of person you are, the tone of voice etc. It just all feels a bit pointless as a thread!

It's odd thing to say but it's odd for a 47 year old to be going out with a 21 year old in the first place, so... [shrugs?]

I’ve never taken drugs, I still know about them

There are degrees of knowing about them. I know some things about drugs but I wouldn't personally know how to do a drug deal, where to find the drugs, what to say etc and I don't think I'm lacking adult knowledge for not being experienced and comfortable with doing that.