'Innocence is unattractive after a certain age"

[OldFan]

I just thought I'd offer you this gem.

Many years ago I had a casual thing with an older bloke, we were talking about drug dealing or something and I went 'oh but I wouldn't know anything about that,' I was kind of being coy and wasn't 100% serious (not that I know much about drugs at all IRL either.)

He became deadly serious and said 'innocence is unattractive after a certain age.'

Thinking back I've realized this is quite an odd comment and I have my own views on it, but would be interested in yours.

I was 21 and he was 47 if that makes a difference.

YABU- not a weird thing to say at all.

YANBU- weird

I mean, I get that not knowing much about the real world can be unattractive. But I meant the statement in general has an odd ring to me, and to me could have certain implications.

That's a lot to hang on a single remark.

I wouldn’t give him too much head space. It was likely a throw away comment and you are still growing and learning yourself at that age. We are allowed to make stupid comments when we are young, when we’re old too, as long as you don’t keep repeating them.
The meanderings of a 47 year old man, dating a much younger woman are hardly likely to be seering perceptions into your inner psyche, they’ll be coming from his own dysfunction and a different part of his anatomy.

I would say the same - I'm a bit older than you. There are lots of things I am ignorant about because they don't interest me and I don't need to know about them. The word 'innocent' is being used because illegal drug use involves a degree of trespass, but really it's no different from saying 'I don't know anything about football/mountain climbing/EastEnders etc.'

Dating a much older guy would have given me the creeps. I would worry about that more.

OP the age gap between you and this man at the time of this comment is enough to tell me he was/is a real creep.

He wanted you to be young, "innocent", young body and face etc in the bedroom. But once you were up and dressed he wanted you to be his runner in the county-lines sense of the word, never breathing a word of it to anyone, and never challenging him or questioning him about it later that evening when you were the innocent thing he was turned on by in bed.

Yuck on so many levels.

So you were 21, five years over the age of consent and the other woman he dated was someone who was about the same age? So they were both young when they previously dated? His initial comment also indicates that he doesn't find it attractive when someone acts innocent.

You're suggesting he likes children because of that?

I hardly know anything about drugs and I’m in my late fifties. I can honestly say that I have never smelled cannabis either. That is not faux-naivety but the truth. I have not moved in those circles or ever wished to and there was hardly any teaching on drugs when l was at school - that came later. To be honest, OP, I think you had a lucky escape from this man. He sounds a creep. You should try and forget him and, hopefully, meet a much nicer man, one who is nearer your own age if you haven’t already.

The meanderings of a 47 year old man, dating a much younger woman are hardly likely to be seering perceptions into your inner psyche, they’ll be coming from his own dysfunction and a different part of his anatomy.

This.

The question is, surely, not what his comment meant, but why on earth you were ever with him. Ewww on all all levels.

This happened 25 years ago, right?

This thread is really quite strange.

@slashlover I wouldn't say they were both young/quite the same age. The implication of 'I...loved her when she was very young.' To me would imply she was about 16 and he in him early/mid twenties IDK. It was long ago by then. He also had a girlfriend in her 20s before me.

Sorry to drip feed but we have a mutual ex-acquaintance who is a pathological liar. So obviously I can't be sure what he says is true. But he had a blog and on there he said that this guy, 'Roger,' said to him 'the younger they are the harder I *'

The blogger and liar 'Pete' has been saying all sorts of what I think are lies about 'Roger' and his friends being a paedophile ring. My instinct is to support Roger as an old friend and think what's being said is not ok. Obviously I can't be sure he was in a paedo ring but it's a bit of an unlikely claim to make maybe.

Me too

I loved her when she was very young does not need to be in a literal sense - I would say the same of my XH and he was the same age as me! All I would mean is that mentally he was younger and more immature than I was at that age.

Feel like this thread isn't getting you the stories you wanted, OP 🤨🫠

He was a dick and just negging you and probably trying to establish some bullshit power dynamic over you. I'm surprised you've taken this to heart.

That said, he's sort of onto something in a way.

When I was younger I noticed that a lot of my male contemporaries were often attracted to women who were (by accident or design) innocent seeming: often appeared younger than their age and had high voices, giggled a lot and didn't speak much. At the time I was slightly bemused by it as I generally found these women highly irritating. I think younger men who find the business of dating and relationships a bit daunting may prefer less threatening women. Thankfully most men grow out of this when it dawns on them that those kinds of women tend either to be faking this for seduction purposes or, if they are genuine, to be hapless and exhausting to be around.

I think any older man who isn't an insecure prat would be put off by a very "innocent" woman. If a man actively sought out women beneath his own intellectual and social capacities and who needed constant reassurance and looking after it would reflect very poorly on this character.

I had some mental health issues (bipolar) which were still being sorted out in my 20s. Apparently (Pete claims on his blog) Roger used to call me 'Mad Mary,' as a middle aged guy talking about a young woman with medical issues she was sorting out while the right medication was found, and who he'd been happy to shag.

It does put me off supporting him a bit if Roger did say that. I've not spoken to either of them for over 20 years so it's not like I'm supporting Roger intensely or anything like that. I'm 46 now and he's 71 so it's not something I think would work, even as a casual thing. Men become less reliable sexually as they age.

I loved her when she was very young does not need to be in a literal sense - I would say the same of my XH and he was the same age as me! All I would mean is that mentally he was younger and more immature than I was at that age.

I would assume young referred to actual physical age.

I think any older man who isn't an insecure prat would be put off by a very "innocent" woman. If a man actively sought out women beneath his own intellectual and social capacities and who needed constant reassurance and looking after it would reflect very poorly on this character.

I didn't know details about things most people wouldn't know details about. Whether I needed 'looking after' is not all that relevant as we didn't have the sort of relationship where he was expected to do stuff like that, as it was just a sexual relationship and he wasn't local so didn't see me all the time to 'look after' me.

OP I think you should just take a massive step back from both Roger and Pete.

Roger is old enough to look after himself and it doesn't sound like he particularly had your best interests at heart in the past.

Why are you even hanging round these losers at this point?

It was an odd comment from him. What grown adult cares what another adult knows/thinks about drugs? He reminds me of a teenager trying to show off knowledge about all things adult or edgy. In my opionion, trying to act 'cool' in middle age is just as unappealing as trying to act coy at 21.

This. Faux innocence is annoying.

I was 21 and he was 47 if that makes a difference.

Says all it needs to. He was a creep. To target a woman that much younger, he'd have to be. And to make serious comments about what she must do to be attractive to him...

Pretty ironic really given how unattractive a 50 odd year old bloke acting like he was acting is.

Quite.

He was negging you

What a creep

This comment reminds me of the sort of crap coked-up features journalists used to come out with in the 90s to look clever or ‘provocative’. There’s no thought or genuine reasoning behind it, just a desire to score points.

(FWIW innocence is an overrated quality anyway, and anyone fetishising it has to be suspect).

Druggie woman = attractive
Non-druggie woman = unattractive
If this is what he meant he is more than weird.