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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Balancing the unbalanced nature of childcare and work in my relationship

88 replies

Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:10

Rant plus advice needed:

I’m just back from mat leave at my role and I need to be in the city several days a week. Its a long ass commute.

Hubby goes to Yoga every night and I’m left to look after the children and we have an Au Pair who supports.

I earn the higher wage, I also work the most hrs, I also do the most child care. I don’t get the yoga equivalent and also currently expected to do the cooking and shopping.

Husband is very bad at conflict so discussions on this never get resolved. For example- when I asked for the equivalent time he takes for Yoga he told me to cram
It into my work day.

After bashing my head against a wall, I have no decided to start doing the bare min. For example:

Rocking up at 7pm when the nanny clocks off

Only cooking for the kids

Having a basic din thats just for me

Not doing big shops

Unreasonable? Sometimes I feel like he is a puppy who needs have his nose rubbed in it in order to appreciate just how much I do.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 06/03/2023 06:14

You may as well just leave the selfish cock and cut out the middle man. You will inevitably be divorcing him at some point.

FeliciteFaff · 06/03/2023 06:14

Oh wow he is entitled and also not an equal partner. I’d recommend a therapist who can talk through these issues. I feel very bothered by this.

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 06:16

Do you have seperate bank accounts? If not I'd get one

Dontsparethehorses · 06/03/2023 06:17

When he suggested you cram the time into the day what did he say when you said no? I think he might need a wake up call through all of this but obviously what is so hard is balancing that so kids don’t miss out - I imagine turning up at 7pm means very limited time with them for example?

I would explain to him communicate needs to improve- can you agree compromises that work for both of you or you may not be able to carry on together?

blebbleb · 06/03/2023 06:17

This isn't a partnership. Surely it would be easier being single?

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 06:18

Also yes if your child care allows you then do your yoga hour after work before she clocks off

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 06:18

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 06:18

Also yes if your child care allows you then do your yoga hour after work before she clocks off

She/he sorry for my unconscious bias

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2023 06:19

Husband is very bad at conflict

No, he's brilliant at it. So far, his avoidance has got him exactly what he wants. He's a genius. A lazy, mean genius but still.

You will be divorcing him eventually. Might as well start planning now.

HappyKoala56 · 06/03/2023 06:21

You could do the things you have suggested, it may get your point across. Likely that he will retaliate by just doing things for himself (his laundry/his washing up/his cooking etc) and will then do zero for the kids and possibly go out even more out of spite. I don't think you will reduce your workload.

I think partners need to be able to have these discussions, even if they can be difficult. I would say that I was finding the workload hard and that you need him to help, write down in advance all the things he does Vs you and ask if he thinks you are missing anything off of the list and then how can he make it more fair. Hopefully if he can see how much more you do it will give him a bit of a wake up call. If he was not willing to relent at all then I would suggest he moved out as I wouldn't be his provider and his slave to suit him.

carriedout · 06/03/2023 06:22

What would happen if you said - I get Mon & Tues eves, you get Weds & Thurs? Would he just ignore you?

If you can't resolve basic stuff like this in a way that leaves you both feeling ok, then you either need counselling support if you love him or a divorce if you don't.

But certainly I would stop doing anything for him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/03/2023 06:26

What did i just read?

So how many kids did you have with him and why was he considered good husband/father material at all?

What is his occupation and work hours, and financial contribution?

Why can't he do yoga at home? How long has this nightly thing been going on? Can you change the au pair hours & attend with him? (If he protests, you may have another problem...)

Tell him he's now in charge of all shopping and meals.

What age is his guy? How long have you been together?

ThinWomansBrain · 06/03/2023 06:28

when does he go out for yoga - text him and say you can't make it back for 7pm, he'll have to take over from the au pair?
Is he adding anything to the relationship - aside from stress for you?

Original poster
Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:38

ThinWomansBrain · 06/03/2023 06:28

when does he go out for yoga - text him and say you can't make it back for 7pm, he'll have to take over from the au pair?
Is he adding anything to the relationship - aside from stress for you?

This is what I have done tonight, and I have taken myself out for a few "f you very much champagnes"

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:39

ThinWomansBrain · 06/03/2023 06:28

when does he go out for yoga - text him and say you can't make it back for 7pm, he'll have to take over from the au pair?
Is he adding anything to the relationship - aside from stress for you?

And no, he does the toddlers bed time some nights. Takes her for a morning or two on the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:40

blebbleb · 06/03/2023 06:17

This isn't a partnership. Surely it would be easier being single?

Starting to agree somewhat

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:41

fajitaaaa · 06/03/2023 06:18

Also yes if your child care allows you then do your yoga hour after work before she clocks off

I don't want Yoga I want three hrs to myself every other day to just meet friends or have a nap or just read a book. I get no time at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:44

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/03/2023 06:26

What did i just read?

So how many kids did you have with him and why was he considered good husband/father material at all?

What is his occupation and work hours, and financial contribution?

Why can't he do yoga at home? How long has this nightly thing been going on? Can you change the au pair hours & attend with him? (If he protests, you may have another problem...)

Tell him he's now in charge of all shopping and meals.

What age is his guy? How long have you been together?

We have two... and when we were trying for children yes I would have considered him made of the proper stuff.

What is his occupation and work hours, and financial contribution?

Corporate, earns around 30% less

Why can't he do yoga at home? How long has this nightly thing been going on? Can you change the au pair hours & attend with him? (If he protests, you may have another problem...)

Its Hot Yoga, and I have asked previously to come and he said it was "his thing"

Tell him he's now in charge of all shopping and meals. - lol my love of watching a good train wreck would very much enjoy this....I would obviously ensure the kids are getting everything they need.

What age is his guy? How long have you been together? 44, and 10
Years

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 06/03/2023 06:54

Honestly I'd keep the au pair nanny and ditch him. As a single mum I had a live in nanny for 10 years my life was a lot easier!

ThinWomansBrain · 06/03/2023 06:59

I'm sure the F you champagnes are delicious🍾

PandasAreUseless · 06/03/2023 06:59

Ok, for starters, he's taking the UTTER piss out of you. But no, your plan to be passive aggressive wont work and will leave you both really miserable.

Husband is very bad at conflict so discussions on this never get resolved.

Why the need for conflict? You just say "I'm really struggling and desperately need us to sort something out to take the load off. Can we have a chat?"

Original poster
Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 07:06

ThinWomansBrain · 06/03/2023 06:59

I'm sure the F you champagnes are delicious🍾

So good, followed by f you mcdonalds

OP posts:
Mix56 · 06/03/2023 07:14

I agree, not "doing" confrontation, basically means, I'll ignore this & carry on as I want.
I would sit him down & say you wont be home on X days till X time if he starts whining, "boohoo, I'll miss my yoga," you just say well Im missing any sort if interaction with my caring supportive friends. This is supposed to be a 50:50 relationship, & its not. So I am taking sometime for myself, like you do every day.
He will get angry. & say you need to pay. for childcare.
You will then need to decide if how your future looks
Grey

blebbleb · 06/03/2023 07:16

It's really unfair and he needs to sort his priories out. Personally I wouldn't be playing him at his own game. If you work a long day surely that's the only time in the week you get to see you kids? I work full time and spend as much time as I can in the evenings with my toddler. My husband is also the same. We go out sow early very occasionally. I do drop off, he does pick up.

blebbleb · 06/03/2023 07:17

We go out separately very occasionally I mean

Offensiveapprently · 06/03/2023 07:17

I just worry about actual amount of time any parent is spending with the children. Im qll for help and childcare but if parents are unavailable on top of work they need to spend some time with their dad even if he is a lazy fucker.

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