Balancing the unbalanced nature of childcare and work in my relationship

[Winniethepig]

Rant plus advice needed:

I’m just back from mat leave at my role and I need to be in the city several days a week. Its a long ass commute.

Hubby goes to Yoga every night and I’m left to look after the children and we have an Au Pair who supports.

I earn the higher wage, I also work the most hrs, I also do the most child care. I don’t get the yoga equivalent and also currently expected to do the cooking and shopping.

Husband is very bad at conflict so discussions on this never get resolved. For example- when I asked for the equivalent time he takes for Yoga he told me to cram
It into my work day.

After bashing my head against a wall, I have no decided to start doing the bare min. For example:

Rocking up at 7pm when the nanny clocks off

Only cooking for the kids

Having a basic din thats just for me

Not doing big shops

Unreasonable? Sometimes I feel like he is a puppy who needs have his nose rubbed in it in order to appreciate just how much I do.

I've seem someone on here say this worked well to divide things more evenly
www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

Your relationship obviously has problems if he doesnt want you to be happy or respect you enough to give you time for yourself. I find it really unhealthy doing things just to prove a point rather than clear open communication.

Can you both just not split the jobs, they are his, those are yours. If he won't get involved, do it by yourself and give it to him. Im not sure how long a relationship like this will last of the basic conversations can not happen.

If you only rock back up at 7? Does this mean you dont see the kids until 7 (sorry if i missed that bit)

3 hours of hot yoga every single night?? Is that what he's REALLY doing?

I had one of those. I hung on for years because 'he wasn't that bad' . Got divorced eventually. So so so wish I'd done it sooner.

I'd write a list of what you do and what he does. There's no reason you both can't have time away (I'd argue every night, not so healthy). So work out what you do and then work out how to get rid of it : gardener, cleaner click and collect etc.

Some of the stuff like kidmin, housemin, schoolmin you can get done on your long ass commute (I'm assuming it's by train). Likewise the supermarket shop delivery. Do that on the way to work and on the way home, read your book / listen to a podcast.

Then sit down, work out what's left and divide by two.

Also a f-you McDonalds? Bad choice.

This, with bells on!

I tried several of the suggestions that PP have made. Lists of jobs, a week of swapping roles, counselling... Nothing worked. It wasn't until we'd separated and he had to look after the DC 1 night a fortnight, as well as sort his own home, that he even acknowledged that I had been doing a lot.

I am so, so much happier divorced from exH.

Did he do yoga every night before you had kids?
It strongly suggests to me that he has checked out of being part of a family and is just throwing you a few crumbs here and there to keep you engage.
He knows he's leaving it all to you and just doesn't care.

Been there, worn the t-shirt. I managed 25 years, getting divorced now.

Sounds like he's on a gravy train and he certainly won't want that to end. Glad to hear you have stopped doing so much. Is there anyway you can 'force' him to cut back on the yoga, and do the big weekly shop and share the cooking instead ? After all, he works less hours right ?

Forgive me for asking though, you say you have an au pair, so the kids are taken care of during the week right ? So what contributions does he actual do ?! Other than be mega selfish.

I'd give an ultimatum frankly. Either he cuts back on yoga and helps out more with dinners, food shops and childcare or he can pack a bag. It doesn't have to be a long conversation either. Tell him straight and don't get bogged down into a heated discussion about it.

That's exactly how not to train a puppy, btw. Puppies don't know that they've done anything wrong; they just get scared of you and your inexplicable human outbursts, learn to pee secretly, somewhere you can't see, like your shoes.

Puppies learn by positive reinforcement and being set up to succeed. You have to catch them before they pee inside and divert the action, which in your case would be arriving at the hot yoga centre just as the class is starting, and shouting, 'Oi, Sting, the kids need feeding!' and handing him a shopping list.

The trouble with humans is that they're just not cute enough to do the equivalent of standing in a rain-soaked garden at 2am waiting to give out a bit of liver cake in return for a poo. They're also supposed to be able to work this stuff out for themselves.

And he if decides to continue to bury his head in the sand over this and refuses to listen, I'd stop coming home after work 3 times a week so he is forced to stay with the children after the au pair clocks off and he'll have no choice but to miss hot yoga. Just send him a breezy text along the lines of 'back at 9, make sure the children have a proper meal'.

Sounds like you have done the right thing already by not coming home last night and going for Champagne instead. More of this please! You could do restaurant meals out, cinema, meet up with friends etc.

He is taking the piss.
Christ another selfish, useless man.

He's checked out of parenting and your life.

I don't entirely believe he's doing hot yoga.

Start planning your solo future.

I know this isn't how to train a puppy and as a dog owner would never do this.

My husband isn't a dog but he sure as hells seems to be untrainable version of one.

After my lovely angry champagnes I have decided to see how this plays out.

He'll get the message.

Some people, it seems to be mostly men, are so exceedingly selfish aren't they? It just beggars belief.
I'm happy that I couldn't, in all good conscience, toddle off to a leisure pursuit, and enjoy it for hours, knowing that my spouse was doing all the work at home. How do they do it? Just bury the latter bit somewhere deep in their heads? Not think about it? Think that they deserve it after their 40 hours work?
For years I thought a round of golf took 7 hours. It appears my ex was including a breakfast butty before, and a pint of two afterwards in the round. How, just how could he do that, every week, knowing that I was peddling like fury at home with 2 under 2s?!?

You've tried talking to him. He hasn't changed

Trying to make him change is a waste of time, IMHO. He won't change unless he wants to

Better to start some conversations like "I'm starting to wonder if we have a long term future. Perhaps my life would be better if we separated". If he wants you to stay, he'll change of his own accord. But, for this to work, you need to mean it, and he needs to know that

My 2p ... if he cant work out yoga 5x pw is not cool you are probably on a hiding to nothing.

But you are married...I would have one last conversation tell him this isnt sustainable... your marriage will break down if this continues.
Here is what you need....

as pathetic as it is give him a list of responsibilities (kids clothes put out, bins, unload dishwasher blah blah)
Tell him mon and wed nights are yours he get tue and thu and friday you are both home on time.

Continue to do the minimum while you prep to divorce because its unlikely he will change.
Add to your current list - Let him put away his clothes and things too.. Make a dh box. Any shit left around is dumped in the box.
Any sexual relations should stop obvs.

I didnt have it this bad but i did esentially train my husband (as i would a dog eeek) he is super hands on with our 1 year old but i was on it from day one and relentless in making him be involved 😳

I had a similar problem with my DH. He wasn’t as bad as yours (there was no buggering off to yoga etc) but I was still earning most of the money and doing most of the childcare and housework.

I said to him that if he thought I was going to earn 70%+ of the money while also doing 90% of the childcare and housework he had another think coming. I said either he started pulling his weight around the house and with the children or I would quit work/slash my hours right down and he would need to make up the financial shortfall.

He did shape up quite quickly after that.

It might be worth trying. You alone know whether it might get through to him - I had no real intention of quitting work and I wouldn’t actually advise anyone to quit work to keep house/do childcare for a lazy selfish man.

I’d also suspect there’s a who is he doing not what he is doing re the ‘yoga’ - why say you can’t come?
He has opted out of marriage and family life. I can’t see it improving.
I don’t think small wins like not making his meal will help he probably will just have dinner with a ‘friend’ after his ‘yoga’ session.
I’d consider a few days away to get your head straight and work out financials. Call it a back to work training course. Then have a frank discussion with him.

@IAmTheWalrus85 @Totalwasteofpaper

With regards to the properly putting your foot down, and meaning it, as per the last two posters, I'm in two minds about this.

On the one hand, I do believe if I'd have put my foot down with ex, we'd probably still be together now. I call him out now on everything, and he respects me more for it, and I'd say our relationship is better.

But on the other, I'm glad I didn't, because he is, was, and always will be, inherently selfish. Putting my foot down more, meant he would have stepped up, but, he would have resented it. Instead, I divorced, that wasn't fun, but now I'm with a lovely lovely unselfish man.

Honestly, I think 3 hours every second day is a lot of time to yourself when you have young children.

The amount of time he is taking is also a lot.

I'd settle for a few hours every week or every second weekend. We do do a lot as a family though.

Do you do things as a family unit or it very much a you V's him situation?

@arethereanyleftatall

I think this is very true/fair and i was in two minds reading the OP too. Hence my opening comment...most people would agree 5 days a week is totally unreasonable for a childless couple let alone a couple with 2 young kids.

Sometimes you can't fix what someone's got and need to walk away butttt on the other hand marriage isn't always a walk in the park and you have to work at it.

Only the OP knows if her husband is inherently a selfish dick or if he has just lost his way and needs a wake up call.

Is he at a Bikram studio by any chance? I used to go 6 days a week (pre children) and it's very cultish which explains the need to go every day. I had to stop because who has 2.5 hours a day (90min classes) to spend on a yoga class, now I'm lucky to squeeze a 45 min spin class in at 6am!

@arethereanyleftatall @Totalwasteofpaper

Yes I absolutely agree. It requires an assessment of whether a man is inherently a lazy, self-centred arsehole who resents every second they have to devote to ‘women’s work’ and family life (in which case you’re probably better off leaving, as you say) or someone who can and will adjust their behaviour once they understand the impact it’s having (in which case it’s better to communicate). And the only person who can make that assessment is OP. In my DH’s case I was confident that he was slightly oblivious to his behaviour rather than a misogynist who would rather see me work myself to death before he lifted a finger. And we did manage to work through the problems. But I entirely agree that’s not always possible or desirable.

I also agree. We're rocking this advice 💪