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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Balancing the unbalanced nature of childcare and work in my relationship

88 replies

Winniethepig · 06/03/2023 06:10

Rant plus advice needed:

I’m just back from mat leave at my role and I need to be in the city several days a week. Its a long ass commute.

Hubby goes to Yoga every night and I’m left to look after the children and we have an Au Pair who supports.

I earn the higher wage, I also work the most hrs, I also do the most child care. I don’t get the yoga equivalent and also currently expected to do the cooking and shopping.

Husband is very bad at conflict so discussions on this never get resolved. For example- when I asked for the equivalent time he takes for Yoga he told me to cram
It into my work day.

After bashing my head against a wall, I have no decided to start doing the bare min. For example:

Rocking up at 7pm when the nanny clocks off

Only cooking for the kids

Having a basic din thats just for me

Not doing big shops

Unreasonable? Sometimes I feel like he is a puppy who needs have his nose rubbed in it in order to appreciate just how much I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepig · 07/03/2023 08:48

Alright ladies I am beyond livid. Had a work event tonight so had to stay back later and I was expecting DH to be at Yoga, and Au Pair doing both kids bedtimes for the first time.

So I message to wish her luck and then get a message back saying DH didn't go to Yoga, and stayed home to prep dinner so the Au Pair was supported.

WTF. I feel like I can't even go home.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 07/03/2023 10:18

So he can give up Yoga to help the
Au Pair, he can give up Yoga to give the woman who pushed out the babies a night off.
You needed to go home (which you pay for, to relieve the Au Pair you employ) when you were done, you weren't out drinking champagne, you were at work bringing the bread to the table.

I dearly hope your dear H didn't expect a medal?

MrsRobinStrike · 07/03/2023 10:28

I got as far as an hour of Yoga for him every day. Is he 23 years old and travelling Australia on his gap year?!
I'd be having a serious think about what he brings to the relationship and if he's worth it

Magenta82 · 07/03/2023 18:32

I would be livid! He can support an employee who is paid to look afterthe kids, but not his wife who needs a break?!

JaggySplinter · 07/03/2023 20:12

Winniethepig · 07/03/2023 08:48

Alright ladies I am beyond livid. Had a work event tonight so had to stay back later and I was expecting DH to be at Yoga, and Au Pair doing both kids bedtimes for the first time.

So I message to wish her luck and then get a message back saying DH didn't go to Yoga, and stayed home to prep dinner so the Au Pair was supported.

WTF. I feel like I can't even go home.

He is making a clear choice not to support you. He knows that what you're doing is difficult, or he wouldn't think the au pair needed help.

You need to talk about this, and make it crystal clear what message his actions send to you.

If he can't change, you will be happier single.

passtheolives · 07/03/2023 20:16

Just leave him; what does he even bring to the relationship?
I don’t know anyone in real life who would put up with this shit

hot yoga what a bloody joke! That would be the end it the relationship for me tbh

Gilduck · 08/03/2023 08:36

Just so happened this came up on my Google feed, not specifically sure why!

Literally was just having a scan through and was really surprised to see quite a number of the responses on here, my response might not go down quite as well being from a blokes perspective. But here goes...

There are a number of replies that pretty much say leave him, get a divorce or at least plan to, this aspect shocks me quite abit.

Surely there must be something about the relationship that justified the relationship to get to this point (assumed married and number of children together).
I fully appreciate the sentiment of the post in the first place, "I'm fed up, partner not pulling his weight" - there must be some method of getting through to him to make the situation right or at least better (couple of posts have suggest therapy).
The concerning part is the aspect of advice from other mums to pretty much ditch him straight off the bat, leaves a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth, is that really recommended way to resolve the situation by removing one self from it.

Maybe it is the right way I don't know, coming from a broken home myself I feel it adds more trouble down the road, forces relationships with children to play out differently (to add context my relationship with my mother turned for the worse longer term drink, drugs, abuse and now she's no longer with us and yes I've forgiven her for all that but don't forget it) - not saying this is on the cards for anyone else getting out of a relationship its just one example.
But I also worry that's the advise mum's give to others, just to bail and not work at it (appreciate not all responses had this tone), it might be the right or only way to resolve the matter but there is no context in the original post to support that. But I feel as a collective that is the overwhelming suggestion, it may be based on your own experiences (with which I'm sorry you've had to experience this yourselves - I don't know any of you to really comment).

Again for context I'm responding to this whilst looking after our 2 two years olds whilst my wife out at work this morning so maybe my situation is different, but I worry that if i was to do something wrong, not in in line with my wifes expectations, or took some time for myself and my wife had a concerns similar to this that the recommendation from others would be to leave.

My thoughts on the matter are that there must be some way of reaching him on the matter to resolve the situation, or making alternative arrangements that suit your needs better, if it turns out there isn't then leaving might be the only way, though in my mind that should be the last resort, I do not endorse just putting up with it both partners should always work together to provide the best experience for themselves and they're children. Not all that time is enjoyable but should be 50:50.

Every situation is not the same so huge pinch of salt, this response is not an attack on anyone or mum's as a collective, I've just had my eyes opened with this forum and collective responses from a father and husbands perspective.
I would love to know your thoughts but right now my youngest is demanding my attention.
Signing off for now.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2023 09:17

@Gilduck
'There must be some method of getting through to him'

Can you explain why the onus is on the mother to explain to a grown adult who holds down a job, that enjoying a leisure pursuit for 3 hours every night, whilst his loved one is run ragged, isn't really very good?

Here's the thing. He knows. He knows full well that his leisure activity is at the expense of his wife's exhaustion; and, he doesn't care. He is so so selfish that he doesn't care.

If he wanted to be a decent person, he would be. He doesn't want to be, he has made the decision that his happiness comes first.

So, no, the op shouldn't have to get through to him.

Stick around on mumsnet@Gilduck , and you will see that there are many many selfish misogynistic men like this around. Millions probably in the Uk alone. And accepting it, staying with them, like our poor miserable mothers of the 50s did; means that the children see this, they see this is normal, and so the cycle continues.

Bunnyishotandcross · 08/03/2023 09:20

Imo he has checked out of your relationship..
Maybe checked in to another one?

Magenta82 · 08/03/2023 09:23

Gilduck · 08/03/2023 08:36

Just so happened this came up on my Google feed, not specifically sure why!

Literally was just having a scan through and was really surprised to see quite a number of the responses on here, my response might not go down quite as well being from a blokes perspective. But here goes...

There are a number of replies that pretty much say leave him, get a divorce or at least plan to, this aspect shocks me quite abit.

Surely there must be something about the relationship that justified the relationship to get to this point (assumed married and number of children together).
I fully appreciate the sentiment of the post in the first place, "I'm fed up, partner not pulling his weight" - there must be some method of getting through to him to make the situation right or at least better (couple of posts have suggest therapy).
The concerning part is the aspect of advice from other mums to pretty much ditch him straight off the bat, leaves a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth, is that really recommended way to resolve the situation by removing one self from it.

Maybe it is the right way I don't know, coming from a broken home myself I feel it adds more trouble down the road, forces relationships with children to play out differently (to add context my relationship with my mother turned for the worse longer term drink, drugs, abuse and now she's no longer with us and yes I've forgiven her for all that but don't forget it) - not saying this is on the cards for anyone else getting out of a relationship its just one example.
But I also worry that's the advise mum's give to others, just to bail and not work at it (appreciate not all responses had this tone), it might be the right or only way to resolve the matter but there is no context in the original post to support that. But I feel as a collective that is the overwhelming suggestion, it may be based on your own experiences (with which I'm sorry you've had to experience this yourselves - I don't know any of you to really comment).

Again for context I'm responding to this whilst looking after our 2 two years olds whilst my wife out at work this morning so maybe my situation is different, but I worry that if i was to do something wrong, not in in line with my wifes expectations, or took some time for myself and my wife had a concerns similar to this that the recommendation from others would be to leave.

My thoughts on the matter are that there must be some way of reaching him on the matter to resolve the situation, or making alternative arrangements that suit your needs better, if it turns out there isn't then leaving might be the only way, though in my mind that should be the last resort, I do not endorse just putting up with it both partners should always work together to provide the best experience for themselves and they're children. Not all that time is enjoyable but should be 50:50.

Every situation is not the same so huge pinch of salt, this response is not an attack on anyone or mum's as a collective, I've just had my eyes opened with this forum and collective responses from a father and husbands perspective.
I would love to know your thoughts but right now my youngest is demanding my attention.
Signing off for now.

She has told him how she feels, she has asked for help, he is being a selfish idiot.

Why is it her responsibility to fix him?

MoonGeek · 08/03/2023 09:25

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2023 09:17

@Gilduck
'There must be some method of getting through to him'

Can you explain why the onus is on the mother to explain to a grown adult who holds down a job, that enjoying a leisure pursuit for 3 hours every night, whilst his loved one is run ragged, isn't really very good?

Here's the thing. He knows. He knows full well that his leisure activity is at the expense of his wife's exhaustion; and, he doesn't care. He is so so selfish that he doesn't care.

If he wanted to be a decent person, he would be. He doesn't want to be, he has made the decision that his happiness comes first.

So, no, the op shouldn't have to get through to him.

Stick around on mumsnet@Gilduck , and you will see that there are many many selfish misogynistic men like this around. Millions probably in the Uk alone. And accepting it, staying with them, like our poor miserable mothers of the 50s did; means that the children see this, they see this is normal, and so the cycle continues.

Expressed perfectly.

AdamRyan · 08/03/2023 09:27

Gilduck · 08/03/2023 08:36

Just so happened this came up on my Google feed, not specifically sure why!

Literally was just having a scan through and was really surprised to see quite a number of the responses on here, my response might not go down quite as well being from a blokes perspective. But here goes...

There are a number of replies that pretty much say leave him, get a divorce or at least plan to, this aspect shocks me quite abit.

Surely there must be something about the relationship that justified the relationship to get to this point (assumed married and number of children together).
I fully appreciate the sentiment of the post in the first place, "I'm fed up, partner not pulling his weight" - there must be some method of getting through to him to make the situation right or at least better (couple of posts have suggest therapy).
The concerning part is the aspect of advice from other mums to pretty much ditch him straight off the bat, leaves a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth, is that really recommended way to resolve the situation by removing one self from it.

Maybe it is the right way I don't know, coming from a broken home myself I feel it adds more trouble down the road, forces relationships with children to play out differently (to add context my relationship with my mother turned for the worse longer term drink, drugs, abuse and now she's no longer with us and yes I've forgiven her for all that but don't forget it) - not saying this is on the cards for anyone else getting out of a relationship its just one example.
But I also worry that's the advise mum's give to others, just to bail and not work at it (appreciate not all responses had this tone), it might be the right or only way to resolve the matter but there is no context in the original post to support that. But I feel as a collective that is the overwhelming suggestion, it may be based on your own experiences (with which I'm sorry you've had to experience this yourselves - I don't know any of you to really comment).

Again for context I'm responding to this whilst looking after our 2 two years olds whilst my wife out at work this morning so maybe my situation is different, but I worry that if i was to do something wrong, not in in line with my wifes expectations, or took some time for myself and my wife had a concerns similar to this that the recommendation from others would be to leave.

My thoughts on the matter are that there must be some way of reaching him on the matter to resolve the situation, or making alternative arrangements that suit your needs better, if it turns out there isn't then leaving might be the only way, though in my mind that should be the last resort, I do not endorse just putting up with it both partners should always work together to provide the best experience for themselves and they're children. Not all that time is enjoyable but should be 50:50.

Every situation is not the same so huge pinch of salt, this response is not an attack on anyone or mum's as a collective, I've just had my eyes opened with this forum and collective responses from a father and husbands perspective.
I would love to know your thoughts but right now my youngest is demanding my attention.
Signing off for now.

You look after your child and parent equally with your wife.
OPs husband does not and has no interest in doing so.
As a man, how would you "get through" to him? Normal conversation appears not to work....

Gilduck · 08/03/2023 10:16

Glad to have responses, nice to be part of a conversation.
Not defending his actions be any means, so apologies in advance if it comes across in this manner, certainly not the case.

As the OP has expressed her opinions on this thread, the partner should certainly be pulling up his socks and sorting the situation out for thier mutual relationship if not at least for his partners sanity.

Certainly don't expect OP to stick around and put up with it if the relationship doesn't work (I don't endorse this it's a one sided relationship).

It's hard to put into words, but a marriage together should always be about making an effort to work through situations (not discounting his inaction) though if OP also hasnt given 100% to resolve the matter then why get married at all. The onus is not on her to specifically to resolve it should be mutual, though I would hope that opinion sides with every effort should be made before bailing.
I hope that explains it well enough.
Just to repeat it should not solely be OP.

Appreciate talking has been attempted unsuccessfully, other idea's could be:

  • making arrangements to do yoga together.
  • family therapy
  • talking with close friends / family (who may pull him up on it)
  • I'm sure you mums have some other creative idea's.

The only other point not yet expressed on here is there is no expression of his opinion / view point which is the other side of the story.

Could be he is as misogynistic as pointed out, wanting timeout for himself or even cheating / attempting to leave himself (just speculation).

I don't have the answers just an opinion, hopefully it's sensible and agreeable with you mum's.

SeulementUneFois · 08/03/2023 22:38

OP

If you're the higher earner you should hurry up and leave him ASAP, the longer you stay the more of a claim he'd have on your money, pension, even god forbid spousal maintenance. (Appreciate that's rare but don't know your exact circumstances. )

Consult with a solicitor at least ASAP.

Sorchamarie · 08/03/2023 23:40

NeedToChangeName · 06/03/2023 08:14

You've tried talking to him. He hasn't changed

Trying to make him change is a waste of time, IMHO. He won't change unless he wants to

Better to start some conversations like "I'm starting to wonder if we have a long term future. Perhaps my life would be better if we separated". If he wants you to stay, he'll change of his own accord. But, for this to work, you need to mean it, and he needs to know that

I think the above is good advice. Make fixing this issue HIS problem. Rather than yet more work for you to try and solve it (which you obviously can't do anyway unless he's actually willing to change his incredibly selfish ways).

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 23:55

A man has arrived with his helpful Wall of Suggestions on how to be better wives to workshy arseholes. Why are men's posts always SO BLOODY LONG? TL:DR on IWD for me.

IRL we've all met these men. No amount of training ever makes them equal and enthusiastic partners. The best you get is slightly better but still unbalanced and churlish. And they slip back if you take your eye off them.

Maybe men could go and tell other men to pick their towels up, cook a meal and look after their own children without calling it babysitting or expecting a medal. Use a Wall of Suggestions on them.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2023 07:27

At the risk of arse licking, so often when I read a post and think yes, absolutely yes, well said - I look up and it's @MrsTerryPratchett posting

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 15:05

That's sweet @arethereanyleftatall

My rants aren't just me shouting into the abyss!

Magenta82 · 09/03/2023 15:06

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2023 07:27

At the risk of arse licking, so often when I read a post and think yes, absolutely yes, well said - I look up and it's @MrsTerryPratchett posting

Same! I often find myself agreeing then looking at the posters name and not being surprised to see Mrs TP

BlueHeelers · 09/03/2023 16:04

There are a number of replies that pretty much say leave him, get a divorce or at least plan to, this aspect shocks me quite abit.

Yeah, because men generally Just.Don't.Get.It including you obvs @Gilduck

Sorry @Winniethepig you sound great, but reading your posts makes me glad I'm single. Your description of your husband's behaviour & his response to your attempts to discuss the state of your marriage , just make me feel panicky & claustrophobic, and bring back bad memories of the man I thought I wanted to marry.

Whatever pain there is in being single, I don't have to deal with the utter selfishness you describe.

Sorry OP. I hope you manage to sort something out. But do you want to still be like this in 10 years' time, in your mid-fifties? You sound too nice for that.

howmanybicycles · 09/03/2023 16:33

"making arrangements to do yoga together." As OP said, he doesn't want her there but does want her to spend the equivalent time doing household tasks. If they were both at yoga, who would do the shopping.

"family therapy" may help but as much OH's responsibility to suggest this upon noticing how fucking stressed his wife is, as it is OP's.

"talking with close friends / family (who may pull him up on it)" I would not stay with a man who needs others to tell him to grow the fuck up and listen and be respectful.

"I'm sure you mums have some other creative idea's." Yes, leave him and get together with a grown up. Men need to stop passing the buck. Treat people well or don't expect them to stay with you. No 44 year old needs to be told that this is completely unacceptable behaviour.

You are coming across as a bit of an apologist for male entitlement.

Gilduck · 11/03/2023 14:38

Spoken to and shown my wife, friends (whom are also married couples) and family this thread, for input and feedback as some comments suggest I don't get it, But we're all in agreement.

I definitely get it, I wish I knew the bloke personally to call him out on the shite he missing out on! Let alone the general consensus that OH will lose his family if he don't get his shit together, I don't and can't.

If this was one of my pals I'd call him out if I knew. It should be him making an effort fully agreed, can't begin to speculate why he doesn't that is for OP to figure out.

I will no longer comment on this thread as I don't believe a difference of opinion is welcome here.
I hope OP the best in however this resolves and all the best for everyone else.
Signing out.

howmanybicycles · 11/03/2023 15:27

When the ideas are respectful and take I to account what the OP has already said then they are welcome. When they ignore what she's said or pass the buck for her husband's incompetence to his wife, the are not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/03/2023 16:41

Gilduck · 11/03/2023 14:38

Spoken to and shown my wife, friends (whom are also married couples) and family this thread, for input and feedback as some comments suggest I don't get it, But we're all in agreement.

I definitely get it, I wish I knew the bloke personally to call him out on the shite he missing out on! Let alone the general consensus that OH will lose his family if he don't get his shit together, I don't and can't.

If this was one of my pals I'd call him out if I knew. It should be him making an effort fully agreed, can't begin to speculate why he doesn't that is for OP to figure out.

I will no longer comment on this thread as I don't believe a difference of opinion is welcome here.
I hope OP the best in however this resolves and all the best for everyone else.
Signing out.

You said:

Appreciate talking has been attempted unsuccessfully, other idea's could be:

  • making arrangements to do yoga together.
  • family therapy
  • talking with close friends / family (who may pull him up on it)
  • I'm sure you mums have some other creative idea's.

She's done the first one and been turned down. The third one is pathetic and humiliating. The forth is just us doing your homework. That leaves therapy, which only works if one of the people isn't a selfish cock. Plus, they don't have time for therapy since he's at yoga five nights a week.

Original poster
Winniethepig · 16/03/2023 09:25

Really hope people are still watching my thread, next chapter.

Kind of hurt, hubby And I are like ships in the night mostly and DH said he wanted to take our daughter out for an early dinner and he said no, that it was just a daddy daughter thing.

Why does it sting? We literally never do anything as a family. 😢

OP posts:
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