People are always more generous with imaginary money compared with how they would expect someone to deal in real life

[Blueysshoes]

I know I am lucky and that there is a cost of living crisis but this is more about principle than finance.

So, we send our 3 kids to private school. We can, and do, afford it ourselves but if push came to shove my parents would step in as they have a lot of capacity that way. My MIL knows this which does give us wiggle room others wouldn’t have.

My DH’s sister has a very stable job but it doesn’t pay as much (but we run our own business so that in itself is less stable) which means she can’t afford private school. Unfortunately the school her children are likely to go to isn’t brilliant. Anyway, my MIL (who always loves telling me how DH and I should share) tonight declared that if ‘she had the money’ she would not only pay for her children to send their kids to private school, but ‘nieces and nephews’ because it wouldn’t be fair that one set of kids got an advantage the others didn’t.

She then finished with the fact that if she won the lottery but could only afford to help one of her children, it would obviously be SIL that got the help. Of course, the start point of this was that SIL couldn’t do it without help (whilst the assumption is we always could) but I do wonder if this was a case of her actually thinking we should contribute, not just a daydream about what she would do with unlimited cash.

@SiousieSoo because if you feel my attitude is so cold and horrible I want to know what you would do that’s so different.

@Blueysshoes I would just say to her that I understand why she has taken that view and that it is very noble and kind of her to want to help her grandchildren with their education. I don't think there is anything that needs to be done is there? I imagine that your attitude has been quite upsetting for her and she clearly thinks that her other grandchildren are missing out.

Bluey, ignore any poster giving you a rough time. The suggestion that you pay school fees for nephews and nieces is utterly bonkers. Even for secondary you are talking hundreds of thousands of pounds. Your MIL sounds like mine was - always spending my husband’s money, usually shovelled in the direction of his sister (who ended up fucking everyone over, brainwashing her dying mother and ensuring her entire family was disinherited).

@SiousieSoo but she doesn’t want to do it. She doesnt want to take on the commitment. She doesn’t want to use her finance to do it. She could use her own savings or do equity release. She wants me to.

@Blueysshoes Has she actually said this? I understood that you had interpreted her words in this way but not that she had actually stated this. Of course you cannot do this, just get your husband to say that you could never afford to do this. But that you understand totally why she is so invested in trying to give them a good education and maybe she could help the SIL with extra tuition if needed in the future?

I always think of this in relation to winning the lottery

I have a sibling, I would be expected, yelled at, publicly embarrassed and emotionally blackmailed to provide ££££ for her child in the event of a win.

Should she win I know I wouldn't receive a penny

Most People have double standards

What would SIL do in a role reversal? Honestly do, not just make a hollow claim to pretend?

I would have to say something to MIL

"It's rude and vulgar to cast aspersions about other people's finances MIL"

I don’t think she said you should pay for them?

Just that she would if she could

In the third paragraph it says that she said if you are paying for your own children you should pay for nieces and nephews to make it fair

@SiousieSoo If she wants to do equity release and give the money to SIL that's up to her as it's her money, though I was pointing out the hypocrisy that she would help one completely as opposed to both partially. And it is hypocrisy because whilst we can absolutely do it ourselves, any problem we had would be solved by a trust set up by my family and it seems she would never want to take on that position of as back up herself.

For clarification, no reason why she should. I have always been very careful to ensure that we can do it ourselves as opposed to relying on anyone else. But that means I do hold everyone else to the same standards.

Seems disingenuous of people to say "oh she was just saying what she'd do if she won the lottery". It's obvious what she meant...

Oh I read it as she would pay for all if she could.

But if it’s as you say just don’t worry op, no one else would expect you to do this

It all sounds very childish.

Of course you shouldn't by pay for your nieces and nephews. It's not like they're starving - they're not getting a luxury item because they're parents have chosen not to prioritise it. I think it's appalling when parents don't treat their children fairly.

But nobody has suggested that op pays. Nobody. MIL said she'd like to pay for her gc if she had the money and talked about a lottery win.

But SIL might be perfectly happy about her house/school choices. Has SIL complained to you and said she wishes she could afford a private education for her kids or asked you to pay?

MIL made a throwaway remark that you took as a dig and are still weirdly thinking about.

But she didn't say that.

She'd be daft to use her savings or equity release for school fees, which is why she isn't doing it.

Idly musing about how you'd support your family if you had a windfall isn't that unusual. I just can't see how you are taking it as criticism.

I suspect a lot of parents would like equality between children and may say things without really thinking through what they’re actually asking and the fact that there will always be differences due to the other side of the family.

As an example, I had an inheritance from my side of the family and my mil said to my husband he should split it with his brother. Obviously we didn’t.

Bloody hell @Bunnycat101 is she mad? It's amazing how she thought she had a right to tell your husband how he should be spending your money. I don't think I could have bitten my tongue at that level of CF

There’s such a thing as pointed comments, and saying things without explicitly saying them. It may be the case that OP is reading too much into it, but she knows her MIL, and presumably well enough to discern if she’s angling for something. We on the other hand, don’t.

Don’ttellme - we are discussing implied meaning rather than explicit meaning…..

I think I’d make some pointed comments back next time “oh but you can’t presume everyone would want private schooling for their children. Take SIL - when she moved from her old house to build this new one, it’s cost more than it would to put her kids through private schools. Someone like her would probably prefer money to spend on property or pay off their mortgage, if they had a family member who was able to spend a large sum on them. I’m sure she thinks we’ve made the wrong choices not to get a bigger house and use state schools. But it’s great we are both able to choose .”

Entirely subjective. This whole issue hinges on op being outraged because she thinks she knows what her mil was thinking and implying. Instead of trying to get a load of mnetters to agree with her made up, imaginary scenario why not just ask mil? I mean isn't that just anyone would do? I know people are happy to froth along with just about anything but why not offer advice that calms it down instead of whipping it up? Just ask her op. And if you're right, put her straight. Or get dh to do it as it's his mum.

Next time she brings this up, laugh and say… Gosh, imagine having enough money to send 5 kids to private school… we are struggling with 3…

Well, I dunno, maybe the direct comment that she didn’t understand why I would never ask my DS to pay for my fees if I couldn’t afford them myself …. I forgot to say that one.

To which I response was that it would just never cross my mind as it would be massively inappropriate