People are always more generous with imaginary money compared with how they would expect someone to deal in real life

[Blueysshoes]

I know I am lucky and that there is a cost of living crisis but this is more about principle than finance.

So, we send our 3 kids to private school. We can, and do, afford it ourselves but if push came to shove my parents would step in as they have a lot of capacity that way. My MIL knows this which does give us wiggle room others wouldn’t have.

My DH’s sister has a very stable job but it doesn’t pay as much (but we run our own business so that in itself is less stable) which means she can’t afford private school. Unfortunately the school her children are likely to go to isn’t brilliant. Anyway, my MIL (who always loves telling me how DH and I should share) tonight declared that if ‘she had the money’ she would not only pay for her children to send their kids to private school, but ‘nieces and nephews’ because it wouldn’t be fair that one set of kids got an advantage the others didn’t.

She then finished with the fact that if she won the lottery but could only afford to help one of her children, it would obviously be SIL that got the help. Of course, the start point of this was that SIL couldn’t do it without help (whilst the assumption is we always could) but I do wonder if this was a case of her actually thinking we should contribute, not just a daydream about what she would do with unlimited cash.

I find the generosity to be a bit of a bell curve, with the most generous people being average earners.

There also seems to be huge entitlement on the part of people who don’t work and claim benefits, particularly on here. I don’t mean the very disabled, but people who are out of work ‘depressed’ or work a few hours a week and top up with UC because ‘that works better for me’. They seem to genuinely believe they deserve the same lifestyle (holidays, Netflix, nice clothes) as somebody who slogs away 40 hours a week, and what’s more, the person working should be happy to pay for them and if not they’re ‘rich and greedy’ even if they earn 27k.

I was quite seriously told by a benefits claimant on here that ‘things aren’t easy, I might have to cut back on holidays and weekends away’. I work full time and haven’t left the country since 2017 because I’m skint. Hilarious!

Yanbu. What planet is your MiL living on ? Life doesn't work like that. They are cousins, not siblings. It would be different if you had 3 children but only paid private for one of them. But cousins don't get the same opportunities and that is completely normal. After all, they don't share the same set of grandparents...

My cousins grew up ultra rich and have had many more opportunities than me whilst growing up and still do to this day. Does it bother me ? Not at all. My uncle married into a rich family and my cousins' grandparents (the set we don't share) were loaded... but that doesn't mean we should see some of that money come our way, does it now ? Nor would I ever expect it to.

Similarly, my brother and his wife both earn a ton of money too. And want to send their kids private. Would my mum expect them to pay/share for my kids ? Absolutely not. Would my husband and I want them to ? Of course not. Will my children do well in the local state school ? Yes I believe so... money isn't everything in life.

Well I’m sorry, but the amount of benefits that are claimed fraudulently are very small compared to the amount of tax dodged. And who is anybody to judge who is able to work and who isn’t? Who is genuinely disabled and who isn’t? Outwardly, I know loads of people who who don’t look Ill or disabled but are, unless you live someone else’s life you have no bloody clue.

Yes, in some ways the system is flawed but most people get it for a reason. Do you know how difficult PIP is to get, for example? The DWP purposely turns a high percentage of claims down in the hope some don’t appeal or have no one to help. Those that so appeal have a very high success rate. It’s a disgrace.

Why should they be denied the chance to have holidays and have some semblance of a normal nice life? Should they be miserable eating porridge every meal?

I learned to stop being a judgmental arse years ago like that.

Jeez.

never takes long for anything money related to turn into a benefit bashing thread on here these days

Given the best estimates are that around 15 billion of benefits goes unclaimed we’re hardly being drowned by fraud…

Especially when the estimates are for “error and fraud” and we all know how riddled with errors the system is

But they might have other health problems/debilitating mental illness which renders them unable to get out of bed some days? How well do you know this person?

Even if your assertions are true then it’s one person. There are more chancers, but the vast majority are deserving. There will always be some that slip through the net, it’s part and parcel of life.

The government like to vilify benefit claimants like scum, and immigrants. It’s all their fault. Meanwhile, they’re ripping us all off big style. It’s a deflection.

I’d find something else to get hung up on if I were you.

Are you a benefits claimant?

So you don’t think someone disabled or Ill deserves to have one cheap holiday? Or any form of nice life whatsoever? Even though it’s not their fault? Ok.

I think your opinion is shit considering you think it’s true that being left with £900,000 is equal and equivalent to £90.

I don’t think some people missing out makes others frauding the system okay 🤷🏼‍♀️

Depends what you mean by disabled. Unable to work due to motor neurone disease? Yes absolutely! ‘Depressed’? No, sorry.

You’re entitled to think what you like 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think my opinion is the quietly popular one.

Hahaha! I work in mental health. Go take your ignorance elsewhere. You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about and it’s offensive.

and you hardly ever see a wealthy socialist.

😭😭😭

What’s that got to do with anything? I was curious as to whether you claim anything as that no doubt would influence your opinion.

Because you asked me if I was a claimant.

1. No I’m not, and if I was it would have absolutely nothing to do with you.
2. I work with people with ‘depression’ as you put it ( it’s clearly not real in your eyes) and other illnesses that can be debilitating and i have previously suffered and am lucky enough to be well again, and you are ignorant and absolutely talking through your arse.

HTH

‘I learned to stop being a judgmental arse years ago like that.’

I think not.

It says it all about someone when one is a much bigger focus for them than the other

I think so, because I don’t stick my nose in other people’s affairs or carry illogical opinions or beliefs about benefit claimants, or equate £900,000 is the same as £90! 🤣

'Shame you haven't won the lottery then' followed by a deep sigh. Otherwise move the conversation and if you are feeling brave tell her it's not up to you to pay for private school for anyone else's children.

We could have afforded it for one child as I would have stayed working full time but I found out I was pregnant with my son when my eldest was 6 months. We then decided to have another child so it's definitely out of reach for us. I wouldn't go asking or hinting anyone else should pay for our kids to go. Your sister in law might not even be aware her mum is being annoying and mentioning stuff like this.

So she thinks your parents should pay for SILs kids but if she had the money she doesn't think she should have to pay for her own sons kids. That's some impressive hypocrisy.

Mil comment about the difference in grandchildren’s education opportunities leads to people getting antsy about ring fencing their personal finances against social safety nets.

Never change MN you utter fruitloop.

OP, you’re not going to (and aren’t obligated) provide funding if any sort for your nieces/nephews so don’t give it any head space. Not sure why that’s difficult.

There is no cost to being generous in a hypothetical scenario - only social benefit. As soon as the situation becomes real, those words cost - and most people don't want to pay up.

yes, people make choices.

We have our DC at a private school. To pay for that we downsized substantially and have taken a big hit on some quality of life issues. I have a cousin who snipes about us being able to afford private school. We are luckly I know. But she has 2 more chidlren than us and played catchment area monopoly. Whatever- horses for courses, but take ownership of your own choices ffs!

Just to be clear, the MIL didn't actually make any reference to you subsidising your SIL's family or contributing to her children's education?
If I have understood correctly, then you've just made a massive assumption and got a load of people outraged on your behalf based on nothing but your own imagination.

People are super generous with imaginary money and other people’s money l have noticed. Your MIL’s comments seem very pointed to me, as others have said she can save up then, downsize etc. We all have choices e.g. SIL chose to have more than 1 child, chose to live where they live etc