People are always more generous with imaginary money compared with how they would expect someone to deal in real life

[Blueysshoes]

I know I am lucky and that there is a cost of living crisis but this is more about principle than finance.

So, we send our 3 kids to private school. We can, and do, afford it ourselves but if push came to shove my parents would step in as they have a lot of capacity that way. My MIL knows this which does give us wiggle room others wouldn’t have.

My DH’s sister has a very stable job but it doesn’t pay as much (but we run our own business so that in itself is less stable) which means she can’t afford private school. Unfortunately the school her children are likely to go to isn’t brilliant. Anyway, my MIL (who always loves telling me how DH and I should share) tonight declared that if ‘she had the money’ she would not only pay for her children to send their kids to private school, but ‘nieces and nephews’ because it wouldn’t be fair that one set of kids got an advantage the others didn’t.

She then finished with the fact that if she won the lottery but could only afford to help one of her children, it would obviously be SIL that got the help. Of course, the start point of this was that SIL couldn’t do it without help (whilst the assumption is we always could) but I do wonder if this was a case of her actually thinking we should contribute, not just a daydream about what she would do with unlimited cash.

My sister and BIL are, to put it bluntly, loaded. Their DC went to private school. My DC does not, my sis and BIL do not fund us in any way, (other than generous birthday and Xmas gifts to DD), nor would I ever expect them to. DD is the responsibility of me and DH, no one else. Just ignore MIL's obvious hint dropping.

Interesting choice. Not one I would have made but there you go. We all have different priorities. She chose hers and as a result her dc go to a crap school.

Doesn't sound like the OP dislikes SIL. Sounds more like she is sick of being told to subsidies SILs choices.

@TheVeryThing I dunno. I felt that the comment that if she could have paid for nieces and nephews to go to private school because she had had more money then she would and anyone who didn't think the same was being churlish and "selfish" was pretty pointed. Going on to specify that my children would be having advantages DIL's kids wouldn't have was also pretty specific. I get that she's upset because she can't help but it's not my job either.

When her children were small she was able to ensure that things were equal between them, but she can’t do that now they are adults, and it bothers her.

The fact that she hasn’t said it outright doesn’t mean it isn’t a hint you’re intended to pick up on. Imo she wants plausible deniability if you take issue with it, but yes, she’s saying it. I wonder if the SIL is talking to her about it as well. If she is competitive with you, then I wouldn’t be surprised if she was.

I’m not sure that ignoring it is necessarily the best way forward. It’s clearly something that’s playing on her mind. If it continues then maybe consider addressing it with her. Let her know you don’t appreciate it and that you don’t want to hear any more pointed comments.

But she was talking about herself and lottery wins, not you. I think you are being over sensitive.

'Yes, me too, it would be lovely to have enough money to be able to help other people.'

Yeah it’s the same as people demanding the “rich” pay more tax so there can be more public spending (usually on things that benefit them). The “rich” are almost always someone richer than them.

That’s simply not true. The reality is that we don’t reliably know either figure. Also of course we need a system of judging who can work and who can’t if it makes you eligible for public money.

the reality is some people do feel entitled to public money. And as per ops post, you can bet people would be less inclined to be generous if it was actually their personal funds.

Who’s ripping us off though? It’s all our money that is spent on public services. Are you suggesting somehow that it all goes to mps salaries? It obviously doesn’t

@Blueysshoes The way you speak about your nieces / nephews shows a lack of care or regard for their well being. You really do not care at all do you about these children? Wow you actually sound so horrible, I can tell from your posts the type of self interested person you are and I am sure that your attitude convyes itself to your MIL and everyone else.

@SiousieSoo Can you explain exactly how I have been horrible and shown a lack of care or regard for their wellbeing?

@Blueysshoes 'I get that she's upset because she can't help but it's not my job either.' This statement says everything to me, you have absolutely zero empathy for this disparity in educational terms, and can see no issue because its simply 'not your job'. Being empathatic and having regard for others (particularly when it comes to children) is not a job - these are elements of your character that are part of you are and qualify you as a compassionate and humane individual. You seem seriously lacking in these qualities to me. The Oscar Wilde quote of someone who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing strikes me as being true here.

@SiousieSoo so what would you do in these circumstances?

And let's recap a few points

• My SIL has just spent at least 6 figures a couple of times over on her house making that her priority regarding personal spend, not schooling;
• My SIL chose the location of her house knowing the state of the schools in that area, and declaring the most important thing with the move was the ability to have a big house, not schooling;
• My MIL has declared that if she had the money she would allocate it to SIL, not DH, "feeling bad" that she would do that but still not choosing to act on that feeling. And yes, he doesn't "need" it but wouldn't it more empathetic to also reduce the stress on her other child by helping him?

Why are you getting so worked up about this? In this theoretical scenario she would choose to help her grandkids by giving them a private education. And you see this as your 'DH' missing out? You have a very strange set of priorities and your thought process is totally alien to me. You do not have to do anything in these circumstances, I am just stating that you sound like a very cold and self interested person to me.

Well you seem to rather look down on your SIL. Maybe your MIL has picked up on that.

I am not worked up. I am asking for clarification on why you are calling me "cold" and "self interested" and "horrible" which is far more emotive language than any i have used

@whatadayforadaydream how do i look down on her?

My DS has done better than me so my three don’t get opportunities her kids do.

how you talk about financial success is quite telling

tonight declared that if ‘she had the money’ she would not only pay for her children to send their kids to private school, but ‘nieces and nephews’ because it wouldn’t be fair that one set of kids got an advantage the others didn’t.

To me this demonstrates that she primarily thinks of the children by their relationship to her - ie, they are all her grandchildren and are grouped as such. They aren't siblings, it isn't conventional for there to be an expectation that they must live the same life and have the same experiences. It is only from her perspective that they are all one group that need to be treated the same.

@Blueysshoes Yes and I believe that I have given you the clarification that you have asked for. I have found your posts to be very cold, you talk about your nieces and nephews as if they are objects, and you seem to view things in a very transactional way.

@SiousieSoo so what would you do?

It is true. It’s not for Joe Public to decide who is disabled and who isn’t because they neither live other people’s lives or have access to their medical records and therefore have no right to sit on their high horse judging people whose situations they are not in. What is complicated about that

SOME people do feel entitled, yes, as I acknowledged in one of my posts. SOME slip through the net but it’s made out to be much more common than it is.

And I think you will find that nowhere near enough money goes into public services as it should, but the government rip us off left, right and centre siphoning money to their mates, dodging taxes, and lining their own pockets while callously denying a lot of genuinely disabled people benefits (my own sister is one) and they have to go through the stress of appeal.

You knew exactly what I meant.

Keep your nose out of other people’s damn lives.

Why is OP getting a hard time? My nieces and nephews by marriage are not my problem either - why would they be?

@Blueysshoes I don't understand? There is nothing to 'do'? This is a theoretical discussion that your MIL had. I am not your adviser I just commented on your attitude!!!

@FrostyFifi Oh another cold one, you have the right user name Frosty!