People are always more generous with imaginary money compared with how they would expect someone to deal in real life

[Blueysshoes]

I know I am lucky and that there is a cost of living crisis but this is more about principle than finance.

So, we send our 3 kids to private school. We can, and do, afford it ourselves but if push came to shove my parents would step in as they have a lot of capacity that way. My MIL knows this which does give us wiggle room others wouldn’t have.

My DH’s sister has a very stable job but it doesn’t pay as much (but we run our own business so that in itself is less stable) which means she can’t afford private school. Unfortunately the school her children are likely to go to isn’t brilliant. Anyway, my MIL (who always loves telling me how DH and I should share) tonight declared that if ‘she had the money’ she would not only pay for her children to send their kids to private school, but ‘nieces and nephews’ because it wouldn’t be fair that one set of kids got an advantage the others didn’t.

She then finished with the fact that if she won the lottery but could only afford to help one of her children, it would obviously be SIL that got the help. Of course, the start point of this was that SIL couldn’t do it without help (whilst the assumption is we always could) but I do wonder if this was a case of her actually thinking we should contribute, not just a daydream about what she would do with unlimited cash.

She clearly desperately wants her other grandchildren to have what she sees as the same opportunities as your children do.

but her other grandchildren may do brilliantly where they are, so it might not matter in the end.

Is that my problem tho?

I agree, people are very quick to spend others money or tell people what they should do with it, but it’s different in real life. Eg in this scenario if it was that important to her, she could still save/cut back and make a contribution to the school
costs of her other grandchildren. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. But in this scenario (like people imagining how they would win the lottery, it’s an “all or nothing” type contribution.

This is not your problem, but also you have to ignore it. As it comes from your husbands side, you have to let him deal with it or ignore it, as he chooses too, otherwise you are the controlling wife.

I would make time for a conversation with your husband though, to make sure you are both on the same page with your priorities and so he doesn’t get sucked into that line of thinking. Remind him that no way should YOUR parents effectively subsidise his sister’s children’s school
fees!

Finally, have a brisk, move-along answer for when comments like this come up from your MIL. Such as, “that’s lovely of you MIL, anyone want another cup of tea?” Or “gosh, it seems so far away to be thinking of all that. DH and I are only just planning our next day out/date night/holiday” etc. Although what I would love to say back is “you should start to save up MIL, and give her a bit of help to make it happen!”

‘what a lovely idea MIL, you could downsize or move in with SIL to help her out with the bills’

You don’t really mention your SILs viewpoint on this but she has made her own life choices that have greatly contributed to being unable to afford private school.

For example, she could have stopped at one child which many families actually do. She could also move house.

My point being that she has made her own choices based upon her own priorities and private school didn’t actually rate that highly.

As a parent of children in private education and who also works in an excellent state school, there isn’t necessarily much difference.

What makes the difference is parental support, extracurricular activities and dedication. Also - a tutor when needed.

As for whether or not you should feel like you should pay for your nieces/nephews education - absolutely not.

You could possibly offer to pay for an extracurricular activity for a year as a birthday gift, like I offered to pay for sailing lessons for my nephew once.

The only time I’d offer to pay for another child’s education is if it was a genuine charity case, where the alternative was bleak.

Yes, say that next time and watch her back pedal.

No it isn't your problem at all, and who is to say your SIL even wants her children in private school?

Count yourself very privileged and try not to worry about comments like these.

So she thinks you should share your money with SIL; but at the same time tells you that she would only give money to SIL as well?

Yeah she would ‘feel bad’ tho…

Same with other people’s time as well.

Its amazing how many people would do X, Y or Z to help others if they were a SAHM like me (despite the fact I have a disabled child that needs constant care so I’m hardly watching tv all day!)

It's very easy to (hypothetically) spend someone else's money.

Yeah I agree. So much hatred for landlords on another thread who should ‘have their second properties confiscated’ (even if just a small flat they bought with inheritance) but I bet the same posters would be delighted making an 80k profit on their house they bought 5 years ago 🤷🏼‍♀️ apparently ‘taking advantage of the current climate’ is only greedy when it’s other people doing it…

Role eyes and ignore.. course she would do this and that like "if I won the lottery but I never play it.

Don't feel bad for what you have!

I saw somebody on here say ‘if you have £100 and won’t give away £10, why should someone with £1 million give away £100,000?’ And it’s really true!

Why’s she sending her kids to a crappy school? Why can’t she send them to a better school? Plenty of great state schools out there. They need to focus on what they can do. Does SIL wish she could afford private school?

It’s the catchment area. SIL moved to an area where they could build a bigger house than us (sacrificing garden and location - but least it’s ‘bigger’) and that’s the school.

Ah well, people make their choices, your SIL and BIL made theirs, perhaps you should remind MIL when she's talking about distributing other people's wealth.

Did she declare it was to build a bigger house than you? Why don’t you like her?

My Italian friend told me they have a (very blunt) saying for exactly this sort of thing- “everybody’s gay with other people’s arseholes” ie. everyone’s generous with other people’s money

I don’t dislike her, tho when she clearly copies aspects of our house but drives herself into a massive mortgage to do so I think she makes her own choice

Everyone’s a socialist until they are the ones paying.

SIL moved to an area where they could build a bigger house than us (sacrificing garden and location-but least it’s ‘bigger’

Dod she actually say they moved to that area so they could afford a bigger house than you?!

Your MiL being generous with fictional money is on a par with people being generous with fictional time…. Like all the liftzilla threads where people can’t drive but IF they did, they would give everyone they worked with a lift to and from work every day right to their door even if it’s half an hour extra to their journey each way, as otherwise someone might get chilly waiting at a bus stop. And they wouldn’t dream of asking for any patrol money.

I think your MIL is struggling to accept the unfairness of life. She's transferring that frustration at life to you and your DH. Is she generally closer to SIL's children too?

It's not your problem and you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt.

@Shinyandnew1 yes

It’s hard for grandparents to accept that one lot of kids has it all handed to them and the other lot have to make do. I would feel bad as well, there’s no doubt.

we are in the same scenario and I hate the fact that my kids get opportunities that their cousins don’t, without a doubt if I win the lottery tomorrow I’d sort them out so fast. But iprivate school is a massive financial commitment and life is fundamentally unfair. She probably just feels like crap that she can’t sort them out.