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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do my own thing tomorrow?

79 replies

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 04/03/2023 21:12

MIL is staying with us for the weekend.
I have a good relationship with her.
It’s her birthday tomorrow.

She lost her DH late last year and she’s still very much grieving for him.

Initial plans were to get her 3 children (inc my DH) and the grandchildren together for a meal, but this was never booked (despite me pushing/reminding) and is now on hold due to one adult child being unable to attend that day.

I suggested, on numerous occasions, to my DH that he invite his other sibling and their children over for a buffet, but DH wasn’t keen. He’s a very private person and (I think) concerned that our newly moved into, slightly sparse house isn’t up to scratch, compared to his sibling.

I know (as she told me) that MIL would like to see other adult child and grandchildren, but I didn’t invite them as it’s not my job/place to do so and I knew my DH would be annoyed if I did so on his behalf.

MIL has sent a message to adult child within the last 24 hours saying she’d like to see them, but they won’t come without a formal invite from my DH. My DH sent a message to his sibling today, but there was no response. Presumably they’ve now made other plans.

There are no plans for tomorrow as things stand, but I have the option to go for brunch with my friends.

So AIBU to just go off to brunch tomorrow and leave my DH with his DM?

If I don’t go out, there’s a good chance we’ll just spend the day rattling around at home which I find dull. Plus, I’ll be home if MIL wants to go out, just the 3 of us, later in the day.

I know the kind thing to do would have been to contact DH’s sibling a week ago and arrange for them to come up.
However, I refuse to do this sort of ‘wife work’ and I’d have my DH annoyed for ‘stepping on his toes as he was going to do it himself’ (despite the fact he clearly does nothing, left to his own devices).

I feel torn between feeling sorry for my MIL on the first birthday without her DH, but no celebration to mark it and feeling it’s not my problem to shoulder.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/03/2023 21:16

Head off yourself and leave your husband to look after his mother.

He sounds like a real pain in the arse.

Icedlatteplease · 04/03/2023 21:21

I'm probably the only one but I'd be there for the MIL without a shadow of a doubt.

Unless you announce one of the friends at the brunch is disappearing abroad and you'll never see them again, they'll always be another brunch.

But that's me and I'm not sure anyone else would agree with me on that.

Aiimeee · 04/03/2023 21:23

I'd be there for MIL. I wouldn't even consider going out with friends in this situation. Boring or not, it's her first without her DH.

mynameiscalypso · 04/03/2023 21:24

I get the point that you're trying to make but I think I'd pick a different time to make that point and suck it up for the sake of my MIL.

WinterCarlisle · 04/03/2023 21:27

I’m with @Icedlatteplease. Your poor MIL. I can’t believe that her 3 children are treating her like this (barring some giant backstory). I don’t think it’s “wife work” I think it’s being a decent, kind person. I’m not normally in the “your DH is an arse” camp but this time I think he and his siblings are total arses. Especially so recently after she lost her DH (again, barring some huge drip feed)

UsingChangeofName · 04/03/2023 21:27

I agree with most.
Unless this is the last time you are going to see your friends for 5 years, then I would make the effort to be there for your MiL tomorrow.
Maybe see if she fancies going for lunch ?

Backstreets · 04/03/2023 21:33

Like you write, perhaps you could do both? Brunch in the morning and a nice birthday meal out in the evening? Her children sound useless and doing something nice for your MiL would just be kindness.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/03/2023 21:54

I couldn't knowingly leave my MIL alone like that on her birthday.

I understand your point but I think the only one who'll suffer if you go out is MIL. You can see your friends another time.

StaceySolomonSwash · 04/03/2023 21:56

I'd be tempted to take MIL to the brunch! 😁

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 04/03/2023 21:58

YABVU. You’ve all treated MIL horribly and it’s an awful time to make a point over wifework bullshit.

This is a real woman with real feelings that you claim to have a good relationship with, yet won’t go out of your way for her and are considering leaving her on a sad day because you’d be bored.

HungryandIknowit · 04/03/2023 22:00

Yes take MIL to brunch!

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2023 22:15

Make the day nice for your MIL, OP.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 04/03/2023 22:24

I really don't understand the MN obsession with it only being the job of blood relations to communicate/organise plans. I love my DS and DIL dearly, really appreciate the regular contact I have with them both, and love that my DIL will often get in touch to suggest meeting up. Surely, if you have a good relationship, you'd want to make your MIL's day special regardless of your DH's failings?

iwannascream · 04/03/2023 22:25

Bloody hell I had a mother in law that was a pain in the arse and even I wouldnt do that to her. I was widowed years ago and the 1st of all anniversaries like birthdays, xmas, wedding day are brutal to handle.

Please make a fuss of her tomorrow as you may one day be in her shoes !!!!

FelicityBeedle · 04/03/2023 22:36

What a bunch of fannies that family sound! Personally I’d take MIL out just the two of you.

ImAvingOops · 04/03/2023 22:41

I wouldn't leave her tomorrow. You have a relationship with her that independent of the one she has with her children - you like her and you know tomorrow will be hard.
If you leave them to it tomorrow, it's like saying that no one in her family gives a shit. I hope your husband has bought her a card and nice present

FabFitFifties · 04/03/2023 22:52

I'd take her to brunch with your friends

Original poster
Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 04/03/2023 22:57

Thanks for your thoughts.

I think it’s unfair to say I’ve treated her badly.

I’ve reminded and reminded my DH to get a plan together and I didn’t make the contact myself he doesn’t like me doing this with his side of the family.

He’s told me this on multiple occasions.

I’ve told him to go and get her a card and a cake tomorrow. He has got her a main nice gift.

OP posts:
BobbyBleu · 04/03/2023 23:04

I can understand your position and why you feel like just doing your own thing tomorrow, but I noticed you said you have a good relationship with your MIL and I wonder if she'll be disappointed if you aren't around.
I just wonder how it looks if she talks about it afterwards, 'I went to visit my son and family for my birthday and my son didn't plan anything and my daughter in law went out with her friends'
I know it's not your fault and you've prompted him to sort it, I just think it's a shame if you end up looking bad when that's not the case.
Could you invite MIL to the brunch?

piedbeauty · 04/03/2023 23:17

I couldn't leave my MIL! Poor woman.

Shame your h and his siblings couldn't be better people and more considerate of her feelings.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/03/2023 23:49

Your DH might not have made plans but IMO it's still not very nice of you to knowingly go out with your friends knowing that nobody has planned anything for her birthday.

Just because her family have let her down doesn't mean you need to do the same.

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2023 23:53

Well. It depends entirely on the dynamic doesn’t it? Because I truly love my MIL and would have made the plans because I care about her and told my DH to sort his shit out.

If your DH is a twat about it then YANBU but I can’t imagine being so detached from my MIL.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 04/03/2023 23:55

FabFitFifties · 04/03/2023 22:52

I'd take her to brunch with your friends

This is a great idea.

MeinKraft · 04/03/2023 23:57

Definitely take MIL to brunch. Even better if it's a bottomless brunch.

MrsDoylesDoily · 04/03/2023 23:58

Poor woman

I'd take her out on my own if this was my MIL

Bugger the rest of them.