To do my own thing tomorrow?

[Yayyayitsaholiholiday]

MIL is staying with us for the weekend.
I have a good relationship with her.
It’s her birthday tomorrow.

She lost her DH late last year and she’s still very much grieving for him.

Initial plans were to get her 3 children (inc my DH) and the grandchildren together for a meal, but this was never booked (despite me pushing/reminding) and is now on hold due to one adult child being unable to attend that day.

I suggested, on numerous occasions, to my DH that he invite his other sibling and their children over for a buffet, but DH wasn’t keen. He’s a very private person and (I think) concerned that our newly moved into, slightly sparse house isn’t up to scratch, compared to his sibling.

I know (as she told me) that MIL would like to see other adult child and grandchildren, but I didn’t invite them as it’s not my job/place to do so and I knew my DH would be annoyed if I did so on his behalf.

MIL has sent a message to adult child within the last 24 hours saying she’d like to see them, but they won’t come without a formal invite from my DH. My DH sent a message to his sibling today, but there was no response. Presumably they’ve now made other plans.

There are no plans for tomorrow as things stand, but I have the option to go for brunch with my friends.

So AIBU to just go off to brunch tomorrow and leave my DH with his DM?

If I don’t go out, there’s a good chance we’ll just spend the day rattling around at home which I find dull. Plus, I’ll be home if MIL wants to go out, just the 3 of us, later in the day.

I know the kind thing to do would have been to contact DH’s sibling a week ago and arrange for them to come up.
However, I refuse to do this sort of ‘wife work’ and I’d have my DH annoyed for ‘stepping on his toes as he was going to do it himself’ (despite the fact he clearly does nothing, left to his own devices).

I feel torn between feeling sorry for my MIL on the first birthday without her DH, but no celebration to mark it and feeling it’s not my problem to shoulder.

"Of course it is. But if we all suddenly stopped doing it, do you think men would step up? Personally I'm not optimistic. So we'd just end up with women feeling hurt, neglected and ignored at vulnerable times in their lives. Completely understand women not wanting to pick up the slack for men, but where another woman is going to suffer if we don't, it's not as straightforward as standing on your principles. I've given up relying on men to do the right thing, so my approach is to do the best I can myself for other women."

This ^
It's all very well talking about misogyny and not covering for lazy arse men and how in-laws are not the responsibility of dils. And all that is true. But somewhere in all that, we tend to ignore that mils are women too!

I'd go for brunch and tell MIL that I'd be delighted to take her our for tea and cake in the afternoon or another day if other plans end up being made tomorrow.

Yes this. Although I'm inclined to my best to all humans being. Just because someone else is a shit doesn't mean I have to be

Poor MIL. Responsibility was your husband's, but he seems immune to his mum's needs. Maybe next time ask her what she'd like to do, get her to invite her other child, then help husband sort out things. He does seem like hard work.