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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do my own thing tomorrow?

79 replies

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 04/03/2023 21:12

MIL is staying with us for the weekend.
I have a good relationship with her.
It’s her birthday tomorrow.

She lost her DH late last year and she’s still very much grieving for him.

Initial plans were to get her 3 children (inc my DH) and the grandchildren together for a meal, but this was never booked (despite me pushing/reminding) and is now on hold due to one adult child being unable to attend that day.

I suggested, on numerous occasions, to my DH that he invite his other sibling and their children over for a buffet, but DH wasn’t keen. He’s a very private person and (I think) concerned that our newly moved into, slightly sparse house isn’t up to scratch, compared to his sibling.

I know (as she told me) that MIL would like to see other adult child and grandchildren, but I didn’t invite them as it’s not my job/place to do so and I knew my DH would be annoyed if I did so on his behalf.

MIL has sent a message to adult child within the last 24 hours saying she’d like to see them, but they won’t come without a formal invite from my DH. My DH sent a message to his sibling today, but there was no response. Presumably they’ve now made other plans.

There are no plans for tomorrow as things stand, but I have the option to go for brunch with my friends.

So AIBU to just go off to brunch tomorrow and leave my DH with his DM?

If I don’t go out, there’s a good chance we’ll just spend the day rattling around at home which I find dull. Plus, I’ll be home if MIL wants to go out, just the 3 of us, later in the day.

I know the kind thing to do would have been to contact DH’s sibling a week ago and arrange for them to come up.
However, I refuse to do this sort of ‘wife work’ and I’d have my DH annoyed for ‘stepping on his toes as he was going to do it himself’ (despite the fact he clearly does nothing, left to his own devices).

I feel torn between feeling sorry for my MIL on the first birthday without her DH, but no celebration to mark it and feeling it’s not my problem to shoulder.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 05/03/2023 00:06

From MIL’s pov no-one, including her dil, can be bothered with her on a very painful day, a few months after her DH died. DIL would rather go to brunch with her friends! Even though she’s under the same roof as you. Cold.

MarshaMelrose · 05/03/2023 00:07

Say what now? Your mil lost her husband not so long since, she's only staying for the weekend and you want to take yourself off on her birthday?
I'd just take her out and try to give her a lovely day and I'd be onto my husbands siblings to see if any of them could turn up as a surprise.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/03/2023 00:10

I love my MIL so would I could never leave her to herself in this situation, I do understand your pov in regard to wife work but as a previous poster said, not the best time to choose to make a point.

I'd take her to the brunch, get her merry and a nice dinner later.

JMSA · 05/03/2023 00:13

The poor woman. What useless bloody kids!

piedbeauty · 05/03/2023 00:23

MarshaMelrose · 05/03/2023 00:07

Say what now? Your mil lost her husband not so long since, she's only staying for the weekend and you want to take yourself off on her birthday?
I'd just take her out and try to give her a lovely day and I'd be onto my husbands siblings to see if any of them could turn up as a surprise.

So what is her husband meant to do? You know, MIL's actual son? Why should op do her h's job?

piedbeauty · 05/03/2023 00:24

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/03/2023 23:49

Your DH might not have made plans but IMO it's still not very nice of you to knowingly go out with your friends knowing that nobody has planned anything for her birthday.

Just because her family have let her down doesn't mean you need to do the same.

But why is it down to op? Her mil has 3 dc of her own. It's their responsibility. Let's not blame op for this.

MarshaMelrose · 05/03/2023 00:30

piedbeauty · 05/03/2023 00:23

So what is her husband meant to do? You know, MIL's actual son? Why should op do her h's job?

Show quote history

Why can't the three of them go out for brunch or lunch? It's not 'wife work' to be nice to an in-law that you like. The mil in law is a person in her in right, she's more than just a mother, and if a son has failed her, then surely others don't just shrug their shoulders and say its nothing to do with me.
Maybe that's just me. Because if I found my neighbour was a bit lonely, I'd take her out for a coffee, too. I wouldn't just say, hard luck for having a useless son.

ssd · 05/03/2023 00:31

Poor MIL. she seems to have raised a selfish bunch of fuckwits. And you dont sound a whole lot better. I hope she has good pals where she lives, she'll need them.

NuffSaidSam · 05/03/2023 00:37

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 04/03/2023 22:57

Thanks for your thoughts.

I think it’s unfair to say I’ve treated her badly.

I’ve reminded and reminded my DH to get a plan together and I didn’t make the contact myself he doesn’t like me doing this with his side of the family.

He’s told me this on multiple occasions.

I’ve told him to go and get her a card and a cake tomorrow. He has got her a main nice gift.

I think you need to take your DH out of the equation.

It's about your relationship with MIL. If she's a nice lady who you get on with, who is coming to stay in your home, on her birthday, having recently lost her husband, the decent thing to do is give her a nice birthday.

The fact that your husband is inconsiderate/bad at planning/hung up on the state of the house is neither here nor there really.

piedbeauty · 05/03/2023 00:45

Why can't the three of them go out for brunch or lunch? It's not 'wife work' to be nice to an in-law that you like.

You have completely missed my point @MarshaMelrose . You were expecting the op to do something for her Mil but you don't mention what her h is responsible for - the MIL's son. If we keep absolving men of blame and blaming women in their stead, society and misogyny will never change. Remember, op said that her h would have been cross if she had contacted his siblings on his behalf!!

Why do you expect more from women than from men?

AlwaysLatte · 05/03/2023 00:47

I'm probably the only one but I'd be there for the MIL without a shadow of a doubt.
Me too.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2023 00:51

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 04/03/2023 22:57

Thanks for your thoughts.

I think it’s unfair to say I’ve treated her badly.

I’ve reminded and reminded my DH to get a plan together and I didn’t make the contact myself he doesn’t like me doing this with his side of the family.

He’s told me this on multiple occasions.

I’ve told him to go and get her a card and a cake tomorrow. He has got her a main nice gift.

Totally fine you couldn’t organise his side of the family.

But she’s a guest in your house tomorrow, on her birthday. Don’t go to brunch without her.

MintyBinty · 05/03/2023 00:55

Wow. This entire post just screams selfish. Your poor MIL! I’d be really hurt if I found myself in her position.

You complain about wife work but surely given the circumstances you could have helped to arrange something?

I would be making plans to do something with MIL, she’s visiting and it’s her birthday after all. To go off out by yourself would be incredibly rude. But perhaps that’s the norm for your family? To not think of others. Certainly seems that way.

To clarify - I am no fan of the woman being expected to organize things but, in circumstances like this, I think it’s sad not to do something for a member of your family especially when they are grieving.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 05/03/2023 01:07

Think if it was my first birthday since my husband had died and my children were playing pass-the-plans I’d be really touched my DIL cared enough to include me. Either way I wouldn’t leave DMIL, it’s not her fault her kids are ineffectual.

MarshaMelrose · 05/03/2023 01:12

piedbeauty · 05/03/2023 00:45

Why can't the three of them go out for brunch or lunch? It's not 'wife work' to be nice to an in-law that you like.

You have completely missed my point @MarshaMelrose . You were expecting the op to do something for her Mil but you don't mention what her h is responsible for - the MIL's son. If we keep absolving men of blame and blaming women in their stead, society and misogyny will never change. Remember, op said that her h would have been cross if she had contacted his siblings on his behalf!!

Why do you expect more from women than from men?

The mil is newly widowed and still grieving, she's a guest for the weekend and has a birthday.
Her family have not organised any celebration for her.
The op asked if people thought it would be OK for her to leave her mil, who's having a miserable time, and go out with friends.
That's the situation I'm giving my opinion on.

You, on the other hand, want a philosophical discussion on how useless some men are at making arrangements. In my opinion that's not what this thread's about. It's about supporting a woman that the op likes when she's at a low point in her life. That the op's husband has done nothing for his mother, does not, to me, mean that having arrived at the point they're at now, the op should just opt out of caring as well just to make a point. The mil is not a hypothetical discussion tool to be used to highlight the uselessness of her son. She's a real person who needs some care and attention. In that situation, if my husband had failed my mum in law, I'd step up to show her how much she is valued.

Iris1976 · 05/03/2023 01:18

I have the superhuman ability of seeing mess and dirt and what chores need doing that's invisible to everyone else,I also have superhuman strength and take the cooker and fridge with me wherever I go as I'm always asked,what's for food? when are you doing food?

Iris1976 · 05/03/2023 01:20

Totally wrong thread 🤣🤣

Lavender14 · 05/03/2023 01:26

I can understand not wanting to sit at home when you could be out with friends but unless it's a special occasion brunch I'd take the bullet on this one and be around for mil since you say you have a good relationship with her. I can see why you haven't organised anything specific since I agree that dh should have done that himself as its his mum but I'd still be around for her incase she finds the day tough, especially since your dh doesn't sound like he'd be much support or company for her. You could make a really nice breakfast at home and just be there with her for company and then ask dh to arrange something for later in the day. It could be that she may not feel up to much if she's grieving as occasions can sneak up on you even when you're doing well so I actually think a flexible day with your company so you can judge how she's feeling at the time is probably the best option.

pizzaHeart · 05/03/2023 01:28

Would you spend a day with your friend in this situation knowing that her DC not doing anything? I would so why not treat your MIL the same. Tbh I would go out with her in at least. It’s fair that you didn’t invite siblings herself but you could easily offer her a meal out without asking your DH.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/03/2023 01:41

do you have DC? I’d do something nice with MIL on my own or with the DC and leave DH out of it as he has requested

What a horrible man. With equally horrible siblings.

Take her out for a lovely morning tea. He can plan something for later in the day

LadyJ2023 · 05/03/2023 01:55

Take mil out for lunch no way would I leave her alone on such a day whichever family member it was to me

AgentProvocateur · 05/03/2023 04:38

What a selfish family your MIL has. Adult children and their spouses who are doing nothing for her first birthday since her husband died. Regardless of whose ‘job’ you think it is to make arrangements, surely on a human level you’d try to give her a nice day.

NumberTheory · 05/03/2023 05:04

I see your point and I’d be tempted in your shoes. But if you have a good relationship with MiL I think it might be better to prioritise that and find a way to help her without doing the wifework for your DH.

Depending on what she’s like and her relationships with her son and with you, would it be an idea to be more explicit and say something like - I can’t believe DH has done nothing for tomorrow. Would you like to come out for lunch with me? Or do you have other plans?

Then, if she doesn’t want lunch or have other plans that involve you, go for your brunch.

Nicecow · 05/03/2023 05:29

Wow I feel sorry for your MIL, what a shitty uncaring family you all are. Does no one have any empathy, imagine how you would feel if you were her, I feel I would make more effort for a stranger. Smh. I find this really sad 😔

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2023 05:35

@piedbeauty I'm not blaming OP and I've never once said her DH's behaviour is okay.

But her DH acting like a dick doesn't mean she should act like one too - especially if it means leaving her recently bereaved MIL alone on her birthday.

There are times to make a point about your DH's lack of effort but this isn't one of them. Leaving your MIL (who is currently a guest in your home) to go and have a last-minute brunch on her birthday isn't a kind thing to do.