To do my own thing tomorrow?

[Yayyayitsaholiholiday]

MIL is staying with us for the weekend.
I have a good relationship with her.
It’s her birthday tomorrow.

She lost her DH late last year and she’s still very much grieving for him.

Initial plans were to get her 3 children (inc my DH) and the grandchildren together for a meal, but this was never booked (despite me pushing/reminding) and is now on hold due to one adult child being unable to attend that day.

I suggested, on numerous occasions, to my DH that he invite his other sibling and their children over for a buffet, but DH wasn’t keen. He’s a very private person and (I think) concerned that our newly moved into, slightly sparse house isn’t up to scratch, compared to his sibling.

I know (as she told me) that MIL would like to see other adult child and grandchildren, but I didn’t invite them as it’s not my job/place to do so and I knew my DH would be annoyed if I did so on his behalf.

MIL has sent a message to adult child within the last 24 hours saying she’d like to see them, but they won’t come without a formal invite from my DH. My DH sent a message to his sibling today, but there was no response. Presumably they’ve now made other plans.

There are no plans for tomorrow as things stand, but I have the option to go for brunch with my friends.

So AIBU to just go off to brunch tomorrow and leave my DH with his DM?

If I don’t go out, there’s a good chance we’ll just spend the day rattling around at home which I find dull. Plus, I’ll be home if MIL wants to go out, just the 3 of us, later in the day.

I know the kind thing to do would have been to contact DH’s sibling a week ago and arrange for them to come up.
However, I refuse to do this sort of ‘wife work’ and I’d have my DH annoyed for ‘stepping on his toes as he was going to do it himself’ (despite the fact he clearly does nothing, left to his own devices).

I feel torn between feeling sorry for my MIL on the first birthday without her DH, but no celebration to mark it and feeling it’s not my problem to shoulder.

I'd be there for MIL. Don't take a stand against your husband at a horrible time luke that for her.

Your MIL has come to stay as a guest in your house for her birthday, so it would be really rude to bugger off to brunch!
Her children seem to be pathetic and selfish. I'd be doing my best to give her a lovely day.

I wonder why 66% of the votes are that op is not being unreasonable whereas most of the posts say she is? 🤔

i also feel sorry for the poor MIL. Please don’t bugger off for brunch with your friends and leave her rattling around with your bloody useless DH.

If none of her biological children can be bothered to organise something, I'd definitely be having a 'girls' day' with my MIL. Take her out for lunch, get a cake, spoil her a bit. Show the rest of them how it should be done!
😊

I can understand your frustration with your husband and his siblings and I can see you have tried. But I think to go out with your friends would be incredibly rude and heartless. Don’t sink to other people’s levels.

The 'official' answer is of course to do as you please as she's not your problem. But on the other hand, she's not just your MiL, she's a woman you care about who is grieving and has been let down by her family, so I'm not sure I'd let the principle of her not being my responsibility stop me from trying to make her day special, as one woman to another.
That said, you've tried very hard already and you are restricted by your (very selfish) husband so I'm not sure what options you have really. If there's no way your presence can improve her day, you might as well go out.
(She's very lucky to have you BTW. A lovely change from the usual attitudes to MiL on here!)

Dh, what should I have done here? Should I have organised your sibling to come around because i think you and them are both shits really for not having made an effort, even though you get mad at me when I do that because APARENTLY you were just going to do it yourself, although clearly that’s not fucking true. Or should I go out wiht my friends tomorrow? Leaving my poor mil with none of her children having organised anything for her birthday months after her husband died? Or do I stay and feel like a self centred asshole because I’m associated with you and you haven’t organised anything? I don’t know. I’m torn. I’m so sad for your mum and I’m so angry with you for making me part of this selfish laziness. How about you pick up the bloody phone, call your sibling and see if they are free anytime tomorrow to see your mum? Whose husband just died a few months ago. Christ I hope our dc are better than this.

This

I agree with ^

Yeah, don't go out. And also, why on earth did t you invite them over to yours?! DH could suck it up for the sake of his DM! I'm shocked. Also agree with the poster who said this wasn't wife work. It's just being kind!!!

I'm with @Codlingmoths
The OP has tried very hard to get her DH and siblings to come up with something but quite frankly they are useless and should be ashamed of themselves, the lot of them.

OP I'd go to your brunch having organised a nice meal this evening, either out or bought in.
I'd make it clear to DH that it's the last time I'm picking up the pieces for his laziness and that I will be making it clear prior to future events with MIL and anyone else who it's appropriate for that the responsibility lies with DH.

Oh - it's definitely wife work. I can't imagine there are many husbands that organise events for their wife's family members.

Your poor MIL!

I voted YANBU but only because you aren’t being. You’ve poked and prodded your shit DH. However his selfish disregard for his mum at this time so early in widowhood would really devalue him in my eyes.

You both made promises for in sickness and in health; if you were to suffer a chronic and disabling illness are you confident he would step up? Would he take care of you? Think about how you might be feeling?

Is there any background history that might explain the indifference of these siblings?

I don’t know if I’d go out myself in your shoes, I might have to so as not to risk my anger at DH spill over into digs that would only make poor MIL feel worse. I hope she leaves her estate to charity.

I feel very sorry for your MIL but you are married to a lazy man-child.
Enjoy your brunch.

My dh and his siblings didn't organise anything for mil's 50th. We eventually planned a bbq at her house and I brought over a ton of balloons and napkins and tablecloths and confetti. Although I didn't think it was my place but I wanted her to know that someone wanted to make a fuss of her.

Regardless of who it is, whose birthday it is, that her husband died last year, regardless of all of that, who on earth goes out for Sunday brunch with their friends when they have houseguests for the weekend. 😳

I'm really shocked at your DH @Yayyayitsaholiholiday . I mean as a person who has lost his father, as have his siblings, to leave his mother to fend for herself on her birthday is just all sorts of wrong.

He should have realised that as it's her first time having a birthday without her husband involved, he should have done something.

So what if your house is sparsely decorated? At times like this, no one gives a shit. He should have invited his bereaved siblings to his house or decided to pay for a lunch/dinner out so they could bring the family together(what's left of it). I mean even his mother wants her adult children around her.

If you can, try to rescue the situation but I'd make it very clear to everyone, that next year it's their responsibility, oh and this also includes whatever they are going to be doing for Christmas and other days throughout the year.

Absolutely this.
You knew your DH wouldn't organise anything, knowing this you still didn't step in, it's not wife work, it's called being a decent human being.
Your poor MIL, what a nasty, cruel "family" she has, shame on the lot of you

Of course it is. But if we all suddenly stopped doing it, do you think men would step up? Personally I'm not optimistic. So we'd just end up with women feeling hurt, neglected and ignored at vulnerable times in their lives. Completely understand women not wanting to pick up the slack for men, but where another woman is going to suffer if we don't, it's not as straightforward as standing on your principles. I've given up relying on men to do the right thing, so my approach is to do the best I can myself for other women.

Enjoy your brunch, I've done the same before.
Mils birthday and her children made zero effort so I went to visit my family with dc instead of listening to "my children never bother bla bla bla". End of the day she's not your mum, if her children can't be bothered that's on them not you.

I think everyone reading this thread agrees that OP's DH is a tool. But OP is asking if, in this situation, she would be unreasonable to leave her MIL and go for brunch.

Most people are saying yes, it would be unreasonable. I agree with them.

Oh my DH would definitely have taken my dad for a beer on his birthday if he was on his own.

I'd have organised a lunch, not because it's wives work (there are 2 wives in my house, so everything is wives work lol) but because I love my MIL and if she was grieving I'd want to do whatever I could to give her a happy birthday.

What have you told your husband?
I would be informing mine he was being a dickhead and to sort out his head and we would be hosting and to stop being awful to his own Mother. I am really not terribly keen on my SIL but we had her over for MIL birthday as she was staying at ours. I

I agree with what most others have said.

This is a woman you have a good relationship with - so treat her as you would treat a friend in the same situation.
While your point about wife work stands, sometimes being a kind and decent human being trumps that.