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Original poster

Does anyone else struggle to find friends/people who would rather *do* things?

102 replies

YouAreNotBatman · 04/03/2023 18:05

I have this problem.

I’d rather hang out and do thing, or hobby together, but so many people seem to just want to talk, talk, talk and talk.
Or they want to go out, wheter it’s for deinks/eating, where they want to talk and talk and talk…
Or bars/clubs/parties that are just not my thing (+ if they’re on the prowl it’s so much worse).

One friend wanted to start to lose weight, so I jumped into oportunity and suggested we start going on walk together, it would have been great, but she wanted to have a conversation all through out.
I came home exhausted, it wasn’t fun at all.

OP posts:
Hebehouse · 04/03/2023 18:07

I think you could go and do things on your own, and meet people who are into those things as well?

MissingMoominMamma · 04/03/2023 18:08

Why don’t you do a hobby by yourself? It sounds like you find people draining, which isn’t a bad thing, but other people want to get together for companionship.

SunsetsInVenice · 04/03/2023 18:08

I have a problem where a friend just wants me to go to her house and won't entertain anything else.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 04/03/2023 18:08

So you want to be with people but not talk to them?

Tricky.

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 04/03/2023 18:10

MissingMoominMamma · 04/03/2023 18:08

Why don’t you do a hobby by yourself? It sounds like you find people draining, which isn’t a bad thing, but other people want to get together for companionship.

But isin’t physically being there, and doing something together exactly what companionship is?

OP posts:
deliciousdevilwoman · 04/03/2023 18:12

Hmmmm. I fall into that camp. Whenever I meet with friends, it’s to eat, drink and talk. And I’m fine with that. In fact sharing food is my go to. My friends and I see food as a bonding experience. Occasionally, we will meet for a walk, but they’ll be coffee and a chat whilst doing so.
The gym or shopping are solo pursuits for me.
Perhaps your friends don’t want to “do stuff”. They might like to eat, drink and chat.

Fireyflies · 04/03/2023 18:12

Find a hobby or suggest activities with friends that can't be combined with constant talking. Eg gigs, cinema, exercise classes,

Smartiepants79 · 04/03/2023 18:13

So you just wanted to walk along with your friend in silence?? That’s a bit unusual.
If I go places with other people I expect to spend most of the time in conversation even if we’re doing other things like craft or walking.
Its sounds like you just need more alone time than some people. That’s ok. But it’s also normal for groups of people to spend large chunks of their time together chatting to each other. Not quite sure what the point of being together is otherwise….. you might as well be by yourself.

Goodread1 · 04/03/2023 18:14

Hi Op
I am like you in that regard, such as enjoying do creative Arts workshops of eclectic range of stuff, you name it I will have a go of it it's wonderfully therapeutic

Can I strongly suggest a compromised of doing stuff whatever hobbies together with friends or just being curious about doing enjoyable activities and have a chat whilst doing them,

Or
Doing trying out different interests you are into or curious about with friends and afterwards going to a cafe or restaurant or pub ,and having a catch up chat about whatever takes you fancy life ect,

(obviously with pubs it's depends on busy/noisy it is really and what times of day or evening or night time, meet up with friends,

What do you think about that idea then Op@YouAreNotBatman

Theelephantinthecastle · 04/03/2023 18:15

I have the opposite problem. I am an introvert and love being alone but if I am with someone, I want to talk to them. I find being with someone doing something without talking basically has the downsides of being with someone (draining) but not the upside (stimulation). I have had a few friends like you over the years and I have realised it doesn't work for me

Runningonempty01 · 04/03/2023 18:15

Do you like running or cycling. Being in clubs for these activities is ideal for those who like to be around, or are motivated by being with others but don't always want to chat. I run with a club sometimes I will run and chat at other times I will just run quietly but still with the group. Sometimes I can't talk as I am trying to hard! Coffee/ pub afterwards is optional.

Theelephantinthecastle · 04/03/2023 18:15

I have the opposite problem. I am an introvert and love being alone but if I am with someone, I want to talk to them. I find being with someone doing something without talking basically has the downsides of being with someone (draining) but not the upside (stimulation). I have had a few friends like you over the years and I have realised it doesn't work for me

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 04/03/2023 18:16

Nowthatlovehasperished · 04/03/2023 18:08

So you want to be with people but not talk to them?

Tricky.

It doesn’t have to be this extreme.

I just can’t deal with the constant yammering on and on and prying in to my life (I’m pretty private person, and too often I’ve found out my friends have gossiped my life to their boyfriends/other friends, so won’t make that mistake again).

I’d like to actually spend time together, do something, or relax.
That way have a good energy and to be happy around people.

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 04/03/2023 18:16

Typo mistake oops,
Ment to say can I suggest a compromise between a balance of your idea of doing different things and having a catch up chat, putting the world to rights chat or just chatting about life or whatever it maybe or takes you fancy idea ect
What do you think ?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 04/03/2023 18:17

I'd find it odd to go for a walk in silence with another person.

But each to their own

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 04/03/2023 18:18

Fireyflies · 04/03/2023 18:12

Find a hobby or suggest activities with friends that can't be combined with constant talking. Eg gigs, cinema, exercise classes,

Very good suggestions

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 04/03/2023 18:18

Smartiepants79 · 04/03/2023 18:13

So you just wanted to walk along with your friend in silence?? That’s a bit unusual.
If I go places with other people I expect to spend most of the time in conversation even if we’re doing other things like craft or walking.
Its sounds like you just need more alone time than some people. That’s ok. But it’s also normal for groups of people to spend large chunks of their time together chatting to each other. Not quite sure what the point of being together is otherwise….. you might as well be by yourself.

I try to understand this point.
But tbh maybe I can’t.

I don’t agree you might as well be alone, there is different feel when with the other person.
Share it. Company. Etc.

OP posts:
Runningonempty01 · 04/03/2023 18:19

I like walking with my dog, companionship but she never says a word!

Upsidedownagain · 04/03/2023 18:20

Sorry I can't relate. I love to talk! When I meet friends it is to chat. Often we may go for a walk (just back from one this afternoon) but yes, we talk all the time.

I'd hate to be with a friend at an activity where we couldn't talk (eg theatre) because I'd see it as a waste of time, since I don't see my friends every week. I go to those kinds of things with my husband or daughters.

Aftjbtibg · 04/03/2023 18:22

A running club is very good for this as is a lot of exercise type clubs.
I know what you mean as I like companionable silence with my DH but when I see friends I want to chat

JudgeRudy · 04/03/2023 18:23

I get the wanting to do something and I get the wanting (or not) to have a conversation and interact. I think certain 'activities' invite conversation so certainly at a meal I'd expect chat. I'd also expect a conversation on a walk. If it was up Snowden I might feel different and if I was say horseriding I would want/,expect much conversation.
Obviously people's level of interaction is variable. You sound like you don't particularly like conversation so I'm baffled why you would choose go go for a walk with someone. Why spend time chosing a date that worked for you both, arrange the walk and meet up...then prefer not to interact? I'm not saying that's wrong, but why not just do these activities alone. What would the other person get out of having you as a 'companion'?
I'm not saying you're odd or some how wrong and I conceded that some people are a bit more full on, but particularly with 2 people you must be aware of the social norm.

minipie · 04/03/2023 18:24

Sorry OP I agree with the other replies. If I make the effort to meet a friend it’s because I want to talk to them. Happy to do an activity at the same time but yes I would expect to be talking pretty much throughout (unless it was the theatre or cinema but even then we’d have a drink or meal before/after).

If you want company but not chat, maybe classes would suit you well - exercise classes, drawing classes etc? Usually a few polite words exchanged but mostly everyone is focusing on the activity.

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 04/03/2023 18:25

Runningonempty01 · 04/03/2023 18:15

Do you like running or cycling. Being in clubs for these activities is ideal for those who like to be around, or are motivated by being with others but don't always want to chat. I run with a club sometimes I will run and chat at other times I will just run quietly but still with the group. Sometimes I can't talk as I am trying to hard! Coffee/ pub afterwards is optional.

I’m not in shape enough for running, but maybe cycling.

Everything you wrote, I just kept nodding, because that is exactly what I want, sounds amazing.
You wrote what I wanted to say, but didn’t know how to say it.
That’s what I’ve been missing.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 04/03/2023 18:25

Nothing stopping from meeting up with friends having getogether for a short stroll or longer walk and then going to a cafe afterwards or halfway walk on the way to somewhere walking with friend,

When weather better have a picnic or and a barbeque too,
For e.g

Going for a swim at local leisure centre or Health spa meeting /have Holistic Therapies session then a snack meal and a chat,

All sorts you can do visting Art galleries museums theatres and then having a snack or meal or just a non -Alchol drinks or Alchol drinks type of thing,
Have a chat and catch up,

You get the picture

Retro board games, such as traditional games like mousetrap cludeo ect and game of chess are quite popular at certain pub establishments too, in the week certain nights now.
So that's activities sort of thing,
Instead a night of getting bladdered pissed up idea of traditional nights out

FinallyHere · 04/03/2023 18:25

isin’t physically being there, and doing something together exactly what companionship is?

Nope. Not for me it isn't. For me, it's the talking about things, that makes me feel connected to someone so that I enjoy their company.

DH is different. He counts companionship as being in the same space, even if we don't interact or even touch.

Likewise, he is very happy walking together for hours, without saying anything.

We compromise and I make sure that my friends are more the talking kind of people, because the talking is so important to me.

Not wrong or right, just different.