Does anyone else struggle to find friends/people who would rather *do* things?

[YouAreNotBatman]

I have this problem.

I’d rather hang out and do thing, or hobby together, but so many people seem to just want to talk, talk, talk and talk.
Or they want to go out, wheter it’s for deinks/eating, where they want to talk and talk and talk…
Or bars/clubs/parties that are just not my thing (+ if they’re on the prowl it’s so much worse).

One friend wanted to start to lose weight, so I jumped into oportunity and suggested we start going on walk together, it would have been great, but she wanted to have a conversation all through out.
I came home exhausted, it wasn’t fun at all.

definitely better than how things are now.
As in perhaps tennis and then a lunch after, I would get energized from getting to do something with someone I care about and be more motivated to listen to them in return.
Makes sense.

Thank you!

I don't think physically being together is doing something together unless it involves touching each other like dancing for example. I'd say what you're describing is doing stuff alongside someone.
Can you explain what you get out of having someone you know being there. Would it need to be somebody you knew or would anybody (decent) do? Would you prefer 1 'companion' or to be in a group?

One friend wanted to start to lose weight, so I jumped into oportunity and suggested we start going on walk together, it would have been great, but she wanted to have a conversation all through out.
I came home exhausted, it wasn’t fun at all.

So you expected to just walk in silence?
What is the point in going with someone? Why not just go alone then?

I’m definetly camp your husband😁!

Can I ask you and from others too:
What do you talk about?

I just don’t get the feeling of connection from talking/listening, so I end up feeling empty and sad after seeing people most of the times.

I have one friend who wants to do stuff together and I hold on to her for dear life. I feel like people like that are rare! Sympathies to you, OP.

another suggestion for classes, maybe yoga class where you can chat when you go in but then have your quiet time too? Also maybe a spa day with a friend would be a good idea, as you’re there to relax and can chat over lunch but then it’s not deemed rude if you want to chill out/read/swim etc without chatting!

Interesting.
That wouldn’t have crossed my mind.

To me being together, or doing something together is bonding, sense of belonging.
Honestly, sitting in silence for five minutes would mean the world to me.
Because who takes that time.
Usually peolle want to feel the void (or this is how it seems to me) and just talk about what or how they are doing and it just doesn’t seem, I don’t know what word to use, but it just doesn’t bring closness or meaning or the it that is missing.

Preferably someone I already know, or would build a true friendship with.
One on one or small group, as long as it not too loud and hectic.

That's interesting. I've been asked if I'm introverted or extraverted. I come out as a very slight extrovert when I take quizes etc which people often disagree with. The thing is when I'm with people I wanna be stimulated in a fun or interesting way. When I'm alone (which is a lot of the time) I wanna be left alone. It's notcasxsimple as deciding if you're chatty or not. So am I extroverted or introverted....yes very much so.
I have one old friend I don't see so much now.....he likes to meet at his house. I'd go round and he he might be playing a computer game. Often he'll pick up his guitar and start jamming. When he's been gaming 'too long' I've left and he's been put out and called me a princess for wanting his undivided attention...er yes I did, is that so wrong. Another time when he was jamming I started singing along and suggested some lyrics which stunted his 'creative flow'. I asked what he expected me to do and he said scything, get a drink, put head phones on....er no, I don't think so. I definitely felt like the drain:stimulation ratio wasn't tipped in my favour so I only tend to see him for outdoor activities or to watch bands.
I'd never thought about the drain:stimulation ratio before until your post

Because going with someone isin’t being alone.

And it seemed a good oportunite since she wanted to do something about her weight and I got excited about company.

To me ’silence’ isin’t ’might as well be alone’.

♥️

I don't really see the point in making the effort to go out and see someone only to just sit in silence. Like a PP said, if that's going to be the case, I'd rather stay home. It seems like a total waste of time and effort to me.

If I made arrangements to see someone and they didn't want to talk or share anything about themselves I probably wouldn't bother to see them again.

I think you might be an introvert and find lots of ‘peopling’ draining . I do too and prefer to have a focus to a meet so there is less intense chatting and questions. I dread dinner parties but love meeting friends to go cycling or bowling .

@YouAreNotBatman but you want them not to talk? I think you'll find that's what friends do.

You could join a class where you can be part of a large group and not have to engage as much.

For me companionable silence is a wonderful and rare part of friendship. . Doing sport, or maybe crafts is great way of doing this, sitting in a pub or cafe people watching. I don't know why everyone things it's so strange.

But for hour and half walk what is that interesting?
What to talk about that whole time?

I mean in my case, all she talked about was her boyfriend - SO much about the boyfriend - SO MUCH , how someone is mean at her work place, about her sisters kids, there was something about her mom and cousin trying to get pregnant (!)!

I mean… I guess I’m awful, but… how is any of that my business? Why would I care?

I think it's more of a male trait to want to do things rather than talk, that's why so many men bond over golf or squash or going to the football or going to the pub to watch a game. I remember when my dad's friend got injured and couldn't play golf anymore, I said why don't you just meet for lunch instead? And he looked at me quizzically.
Women tend to focus on the talking rather than the doing (meeting for coffee/lunch etc).
You just need to find your people OP, some good suggestions on here.

I don't understand? Isn't the point of friends to hang out together? Sure you might do things occasionally, but it is mainly to talk to each other to catch up, see how each other is etc?

You can change the topic of conversation- but that does require taking.

I think you might be an introvert and find lots of ‘peopling’ draining . I do too and prefer to have a focus to a meet so there is less intense chatting and questions. I dread dinner parties but love meeting friends to go cycling or bowling .

Yes!

For me companionable silence is a wonderful and rare part of friendship. . Doing sport, or maybe crafts is great way of doing this, sitting in a pub or cafe people watching. I don't know why everyone things it's so strange.

And yes!

Thank you, daffo & Runnin.

If I really like someone, I can easily talk to them for hours. My DH and I can easily talk for 4 hours plus

Obviously if I don't find them interesting,. different story.

Would usually chat about all sorts - yes personal stuff but also books, TV, films, theatre, politics, travel

The best way if to think of one or two hobbies you would personally like to pursue, find classes or groups and go, make friends and connections there and then that’s the perfect blend of friendship and hobby for you. It’s very enriching although it will take time.

Sounds like you need a dog, not a human.

We are social animals, one of the nice things about having a partner is getting to the point you can just sit and not talk, ie one of you reads, the other is knitting etc. You could do that with a friend too? I don't mean never talk, but it's OK not to always have conversation as the main part of the interaction.

I guess she's just talking about life, as we all do. I like listening to my friends talk, that's why they're my friends. Maybe you need to be friends with people you find interesting. I really don't understand the point of being friends with someone if you don't really want to talk to them, you may as well just hang out with a random stranger if you just want the physical company of someone?

For me the whole point in getting together with friends is to talk and catch up. I cant see the point in getting together and not actually talking. It doesn't sound like you are particularly interested in your friends and their lives though.