Does anyone else struggle to find friends/people who would rather *do* things?

[YouAreNotBatman]

I have this problem.

I’d rather hang out and do thing, or hobby together, but so many people seem to just want to talk, talk, talk and talk.
Or they want to go out, wheter it’s for deinks/eating, where they want to talk and talk and talk…
Or bars/clubs/parties that are just not my thing (+ if they’re on the prowl it’s so much worse).

One friend wanted to start to lose weight, so I jumped into oportunity and suggested we start going on walk together, it would have been great, but she wanted to have a conversation all through out.
I came home exhausted, it wasn’t fun at all.

Of course. I care about what my friends get up to and how they spend their time. If I learn about their interests and what appeals about them, I learn more about them as a person and what makes them tick :)

If I went walking with a friend I would expect to chat rather than walk in silence.

I do road cycling & I do have one cycling friend who wants to chat the entire ride, even on bits where it’s not possible to ride side by side, on noisy roads or downhills where you’re going fast. Whereas my preference for road cycling is a bit of chatting & a bit of getting my head down and getting on with the cycling

I like parkrun as I run with random people around me and occasionally spot folk I know but I don’t have to chat to them unless I want to.
I also cycle sometimes alone or with a friend and we have a mix of chatty rides or just quiet look at the view rides. Just find your tribe by doing different things.

I know this is a bit of a clichéd question, but is there any chance you're autistic? Wanting to share things alongside someone rather than have to constantly make conversation is such a classic autistic train that even if you aren't autistic, it might be worth seeing if there are any autistic meet up groups or local support groups online and joining those. You might find the kind of companionship you're after. Being alongside someone, sharing in a joint activity and not having to chat would be heavenly for lots of autistic people (not all, I know that!)

Some people are more draining than others. I can talk to some people for ages because we’re exchanging ideas and learning from each other (I’m obsessed with self development). Or we share a subtle humour.

Other people I find draining because they’re dull and there’s no connection so everything has to be fully explained. Maybe you’re around this type of person too much?

I am so happy that I made this thread!
This has really made me think a lot and it went into places I couldn't have predicted.

I think I suffer quite a lot socially.
And for many reasons talking aboit personal stuff is difficult for me, so there is a gap there.
I don’t know how to talk about myself, and haven’t seen my stuff as important.
But at the same time, most of the people I know (I really don’t know many people and that is also why I haven’t realized I’m in the wrong company) only want to talk at me, about themselves and now we have these ’roles’ and this dynamic drains me.
And because of this imbalance, I’ve somewhere kind of stopped caring and then though no one else cares either.

So that’s one thing where I’ve gone wrong.

Thank you for those who told me they would like to here about my yoga if we were friends and specially to @FinallyHere for breaking it down for me so I could see better.

And also, that I’m going to have to push myself a bit and seek out people who at least in addition to talking also wants to do something with me. Because that brings me somekind of togetherness I don’t really get by just talking.

Honestly, thanks a million for everyone!
All the comments made me think.

That's a lovely post, I think you sound like an ace friend!

Glad some of my ramblings might have helped @Runningonempty01

This thread has been interesting for me, the way I would expect a conversation in real life to be interesting.

But isin’t physically being there, and doing something together exactly what companionship is?

Yes, with a dog 😁

I like to talk though, that's the only reason I meet up with people.

I think from these answers you’d have to agree that the way you relate to your friends or what you expect from friendships is atypical compared to the rest of us. Expecting to go on a walk and not talk to that person for some of the time is unusual. Maybe she talked about herself so much because you were quiet and not saying anything?

My friends are people who talk to me, who I talk to about our lives. We have similar areas of interest, science, health, DC’s etc and we often talk about them. I’m interested in what they have to say and they’re interested in what I have to say. Talking about personal things is part of what makes them my friend too. A problem shared is a problem halved and I think it can be important for people to chat through what’s going on in their lives and be given advice or reassured. For example your yoga class I’d wonder/ask what might have caused the back pain, if it was getting worse, had you seen a doctor, were you coping okay with it? Maybe you’d actually appreciate someone asking you if you were coping?

If you’re looking for people to spend time with but not talk to about your personal life then you should start a hobby like an art class, book club, etc etc. There you’d meet people who had a similar interest and were doing things but not necessarily talking all the time or talking about personal things.
you’re trying to do the reverse here I think which so take an existing friend and pick up a hobby with them. But they might not be interesting to them or what they’re expecting at all.

@YouAreNotBatman you sound exactly like the kind of activity friend I need!

I only have one friend like you describe and she lives in Scotland and I live in Wales! When we do go on rare hikes we talk a bit but also walk alone a bit. Enough company compared to being completely alone but not 10 hours of constant chit chat whilst trying to concentrate on hiking for example.

My geographically close friends are not outdoorsy at all so I mainly see them at meals, spas or casual walks. Very chatty activities but we don't meet up often so makes sense to catch up and chat.

I've joined online activity groups but I've not gone to any meetups yet as the last thing I want is my ear talked off by random chatter I don't care about - suffer that enough in work. Sorry to be blunt but I prefer my own company over someone's work/life moans. To meet the rare gems of people it's a lot of effort meeting types that you just don't click with.

Unfortunately my partner can't walk long distance so we have lovely short walks and quiet contemplation in nature but I'd love to be able to do more hikes or watersports with like minded ladies.

If you're anywhere near Wales let me know haha!

I've gotten so desperate I've considered asking ladies I see walking alone on my walks whether they want a friend but I haven't crossed the weirdness line yet. 😂

I think you are not after new friends you are after an activity you like doing. When you are friends with someone you are interested in them and you want to know what’s going on with them not at the extent of every detail but in general. So I would be interested to know a bit about yoga: where, how often, why you’ve started it and have you found it helpful. Your details might lead me to new questions or not. If not I will tell you that by the way I’ve started walking: where, how often and why. My details might lead you to new questions, e.g I might mention a particular scenic route I discovered and you might think that it sounds interesting. Sometimes we might talk more about me, sometimes more about you, not 100%: 0% but rather 60%:40% or max 70%:30% The talking might be not very intense - less when visit a cinema or a theatre, more when having a dinner together.
You aren’t interested in people or curious about them that’s why you don’t get that someone might be interested in you. Nothing wrong with your attitude, but you are in minority.
I agree with PP who mentioned possibly of you having autism, sounds very likely.

I understand your problem. My 2 oldest best friends are friends who are not afraid of my silence and with whom i can just walk quietly and enjoy nature for instance.

During Covid i got into this group of women in my neighbourhoud and they can just chat for hours about all their problems in life, complaining and moaning. Especially the dialogues about what the doctor said and what the schoolteacher said…. It is so draining.

I’m reluctant to admit it because it is so stereotypical… but it might be a male trait indeed. I often enjoy hanging around with my husbands friends more. They just talk about movies and books and games and funny observations and they play boardgames together and do sports. Sometimes i just wished i could join his group of friends😬

Yes, I realize I’m in a minority, but I’m also glad to have read couple of comments who kind of felt the same way.

And I regret that I didn’t write better, because I didn’t mean that it has to be absolute 100% silence, but that was my mistake.

And from @pizzaHeart ’s entire post, but this part in particular

My details might lead you to new questions, e.g I might mention a particular scenic route I discovered and you might think that it sounds interesting.

I grew-up with parents who didn’t engage with me, ask anything about me, they were pretty neglectful and emotionally unavailable, and I’m a by-product of that and clearly struggle now with other’s because I didn’t learn that just talking can be connecting to others.

I think also good conversation isn't linear, so you are constantly changing topics and then might end up talking about something completely random. So start off on Yoga, then somehow end up talking about robots. That's what I like.

I completely agree OP.

I've really enjoyed being a mum to young children because I'd meet up with friends and their DC and we'd always do an activity- zoo, trampolining, bowling, ice skating. Great fun, no intense chat.

Now the kids are teens and it's changed the dynamics so much. They don't need us to organise their social lives so it's now 1 on 1 coffee, meals, drinks and I find it absolutely awful.

I think hobbies are the way forward. Finding things to do with other people and making acquaintances rather than friends. I'm thinking line dancing, aqua aerobics, cycling group, volunteering. So very light chit chat while you're all busy doing something else.

Off topic but I'd love to know what yoga helped your lower back, my lower back is so bad and nothing has helped it.

@Bluearc77 I think you've hit the nail on the head with that. I recently went to a adults only party and I felt so uncomfortable and out of practice when talking to people. But it's probably because I'm so used to gatherings with kids where the focus is on them and the activity and not on me directly. It felt so intense at this party after 7 years of being with children.

For me, I’d find that quite odd. But I’m sure there are others who would enjoy not talking and waking. I’d be really confused if a friend did this though.

Are you autistic?

I think doing a hobby in silence is more a couples thing than a friends thing.

I do kind of get what you mean. Most of my friendships are centered around chatting/catching up. Mostly that's fine, but sometimes I find it quite tiring and find the exchange of information draining and want to just ^do something together with less chat.
For me the best of both worlds is doing something together and talking which starts of as an exchange of personal information and then broadens out into more abstract conversations about stuff in the world that's not directly necessarily about us.

I am definitely an introvert though and need a lot of time alone to cope with life.

I hate it when friends want to do “activities” that get in the way of just having a nice chat. And I happily spend about 98% of my time alone in silence, so when I am with other people I want to actually communicate with them. I’d be interested in hearing about your yoga, though. I’m always interested in friends talking about themselves, it’s when they talk endlessly about family members I only know peripherally that I start to switch off.

One last suggested OP. Garden centres. Obviously not an 'activity' but reduces the intensity of the chat. Have a coffee and cake, mooch about, buy a plant, job done.

I'm the same, autistic though.
I find chatting about our lives and our families so incredibly boring and tiring. I would much prefer to be doing an activity too.

People who want to do things usually hang out with others like them - I'd try joining a walking club or other hobby group.

I'm totally in your camp - I like to talk to people, but we can talk while we walk or do something. Just sitting in someone's house isn't what I'd choose the majority of the time.