Does anyone else struggle to find friends/people who would rather *do* things?

[YouAreNotBatman]

I have this problem.

I’d rather hang out and do thing, or hobby together, but so many people seem to just want to talk, talk, talk and talk.
Or they want to go out, wheter it’s for deinks/eating, where they want to talk and talk and talk…
Or bars/clubs/parties that are just not my thing (+ if they’re on the prowl it’s so much worse).

One friend wanted to start to lose weight, so I jumped into oportunity and suggested we start going on walk together, it would have been great, but she wanted to have a conversation all through out.
I came home exhausted, it wasn’t fun at all.

But what you're describing is just normal conversation.

I just don't understand why you'd make the effort to go and meet with someone only to sit there in silence - I can sit in silence at home for free lol.

But that's me. If you enjoy companionable silence then you just need to find someone who likes it just as much as you do.

But isin’t that just playing some hierarchy game?
Letting other’s know what you’ve done or achieved lately?
Is that even friendship if it’s just talking at each other of what both have done at some point?

I had many friendships where they wanted to sit and marinate for hours in a cafe or pub just talking. I don't mind listening or being a shoulder to cry on every now and then but I wanted to do things. It hurt even more when I found out that they had other friends to do fun things with. I guess it's the curse of me being a good listener or people find it easy to unload on to me. For ages I wasn't available to do stuff because I had young children and my best friends didn't have children yet or their children were older.

I think your problem op is easy in a way as you can go to meet up and other social events where it would be weird to sit and talk and where they will be doing something active.

Of course not.

I'm proud of my friends when they achieve things. I want to help them if they're struggling. I want to share in their interests and their hobbies and learn about them as a person.

I totally understand you, This is what I'm looking I'm a introvert, shy and anxious and find being with people hard work, my mind goes empty and don't know what to say, talk about. I'm ok when someone starts a conversation but rubbish at starting one myself. Or become a good listener.

Hense I'm on my own a lot and happy most off the time and go off on my own on bike rides, cinema, walks but lonely sometimes. This year I've decided to get out more and like you I prefer a activity and maybe drink afterwards.

I'd recommend looking at meet ups, lots off groups doing different things. At the moment I'm doing walking football (I'm over 40] and really enjoying that Things I have my eye on doing is join a cycling group, board game cafe, walking netball, walking groups, craft groups, WI.

Other things I've seen open water swimming, cinema and theatre groups, art classes, various sports, quiz nights, gardening, day trips out, environment groups (looking after Canals, Parks, etc), book clubs.

I think you have to think off something you enjoy and find a group that hopefully fills you needs? I wish you luck and think there's a lot off us out there, that don't want to spend time in pubs, clubs, meal outs.

No.

If anything, I find the best clarity and most interesting conversations when we are hiking, walking, doing something that starts up a conversation. Sitting interview style or sinking pint after pint in a noisy boozy place is my idea of hell. It's too intense and uncomfortable like a therapist chair.
I wanted to do things like go see a film, go to a museum exhibition, go for a nice long walk somewhere scenic, go on a little trip for the day or overnight, go to a concert... I don't just want to sit and drink endless cups of coffee or coke while we wring every last tiny drip of every tiny minute thing that has happened to us because we've talked about everything!

That's a really dismissive reply. It might not be companionship for you but it is for lots of people, including me at times. Monks and Nuns used to have silent orders but still lived with others, hermits are a completely different. What the OP is desiring is just as acceptable as chatting over a meal.

I think I've sussed you....
OK I CAN relate to simply having someone physically there actually, so knowing my partners in the bed next to me, or in the study whilst I'm in the lounge. Sitting next to me in the cinema/theatre. Yes get that.
That works because you already feel close to /love them.
When you mention your friends though you use phrases such as 'fill the void' 'endless chatter' and talk of feeling no connection. They want to talk about 'what or how they are doing' or they're prying into your private life. That's two massive subject areas gone then, you and them! Do you like pondering? Or playing devil's advocate. I do this regularly with my adult children and some friends. This interests me much more than their med holiday story. It also allows me to find out interesting things about their values and character
I think your real problem is you don't actually have friends. You just know friendly people....who irritate you and highlight your differences. That can be lonely. I think if you played psychologist and led conversations you'd be much more engaged. Be prepared tho, many will think youre odd if you randomly ask if you think we're heading to an Orwellian State. One or 2 won't engage, but maybe air head Sarah actually has dome interesting views on String Theory.

But isin’t that just playing some hierarchy game? Letting other’s know what you’ve done or achieved lately?
Is that even friendship if it’s just talking at each other of what both have done at some point?

That's a really odd question. If you think that telling each other about what's going on in your life is 'talking at each other', what do you think would constitute 'talking to each other'? What would constitute a good conversation? I genuinely don't understand why talking about what's going on in your life would be a 'hierarchy game' in the majority of cases.

I have sometimes enjoyed doing activities with other people, but even though I'm a teacher and don't always feel like socialising after a whole day/week of talking to 30 people at a time, it still wouldn't occur to me to go for a walk, run or knit (my hobby) with people and not talk to them!

So would you care (if we were friends for sake of this question), let’s say you talk about your boyfriend for 10 minutes (sake of this question) and then I start talking about the amazing yoga video I found and it really helped with my lower back pain.

Would anyone actually care?
Because I nearly fell asleep out of boredom writing that, and it’s my back pain!

I do now, reading these comments, realize that in real life I’m terrible talking about myself.
Could that be it?
That people just talk AT ME on and on and on or if they do ask about me (rare) - it’s never a part of my life I care about personally.
So there is imbalance and that’s why I’m so fucking bored and feel isolated?
Is that it?

You need to get into fishing, running or golf I think- sorry to stereotype but more ‘male’ hobbies. You have company but it’s done quietly if that makes sense.

I get what you mean. I would love to have someone that would say come and try the local climbing place with me, or go on a guided tour. I'm happy watching a film and just sitting with someone with the odd comment about the film

God, I feel like I’m surrounded by people who only want to do things - preferable competitive things that feel like quite hard work - and talk in endless excruciating detail about all the things to do with the things, comparing the relative merits of different types of running shoes / paintbrushes / camera lenses, etc. Honestly makes me want to die of boredom.

But I’ve also reached an age where I just can’t be arsed making chatty chat with people I don’t already know.

And the ‘catching up’ chat with old friends is increasingly about who’s died and who’s got cancer.

My most satisfying social encounters these days involve exchanging cat memes via WhatsApp.

Thank you for patiently and kindly answering to my question.

So I’ll ask more 😀

Would (if we were friends) you really care to know about how I have started to do yoga at home, for example?
And go into details about it or why I started.
Is this the stuff people want to hear about too?

I quite like meeting a friend and going for a walk or visit something eg national trust for the day. We talk and walk.and have a coffee etc.

I dont tend to meet friends and just talk and eat.

I think I understand what you mean. A lot of people seem to just want to talk about themselves and offload on someone. It's nice to have a balance, so the focus isn't just always that every time you meet up, as that can get a bit draining. Like sometimes, taking a trip to a new city and looking around an exhibition etc, so there's other things to talk about and it feels like a shared experience.

What do you talk about?

so.many.things

I'm always interested to hear what is going on in the lives of my friends, and their friends and family. What they think about what is happening, whether they would have the same or different responses.

Often we agree: it is even more interesting when we don't agree.

We explore why we feel differently and respond differently. Usually we can trace the difference down.

Sometimes, in the moment, oftentimes it takes a couple of goes at exploring the differences so we work out the 'why' of differences. It helps to understand ourselves and of course our friends/family better.

There is never enough time to explore all the things we have to talk about.

Anytime we are not talking feels to me like time wasted. Having read more of the responses in this thread, I'd like to clarify that for me, talking is not monologuing, where one person or the other holds forth while the other waits for the opportunity to jump in.

Conversation for me is absolutely about actively listening, comparing the patterns or feelings that I hear, asking for clarification, reflecting back what I have heard to check I have understood. Comparing what I then understand to my own reactions / responses and exploring why there might be differences. I realise what I'm describing is quite abstract, the process is not at all abstract, it's absolutely about how to understand and value differences.

Talking while walking together works really well because we feel as if we are doing something sensible and getting moderate exercise while being so interested in what we are talking about. With particularly good friends, we don't even risk walking anywhere unfamiliar as we will invariably get lost, having paid so little attention to our surroundings.

I'm endlessly interested in my friends new snd old.

Clearly, this is not how life is for DH.

I do understand what you’re saying up to a point. With perhaps a partner or a parent or someone you see multiple times in a week then you get to a point of comfortable silences and it’s fine to just ‘be’ in the same space. I think you have to see a lot of someone to get to this though.
with friends who might go weeks without seeing each other the you have a lot stored up to say. Lots to tell them and lots to listen to.

That people just talk AT ME on and on and on

Hmmm, sounds like you need some new friends that don’t all just do this!

Makes total sense.
company but it’s done quietly
sounds like Heaven.

Yoga bores me, but I definitely wouldn't mind if you talked about it because you are my friend and I'm interested in it because it's something you're doing. Maybe if you talked about it for an hour, I might but I don't think I'd be friends with someone who talked about yoga for an hour anyway. I also think generally when you're talking with someone you do talk about interesting things. I get the talking at you, that would be annoying. It is a two way thing, so if it's just someone offloading and not interested in you at all, I can understand that you would leave that encounter feeling drained. I think it's your friends, and that perhaps you're not compatible with them, not friendship itself

This is why I love my hobby of playing in an orchestra. Being with people but no pressure to make conversation!

Yes!

I would absolutely want to hear about all those things if they were important to my friend.

Do you really care to know about how I have started to do yoga at home, for example?* * And go into details about it or why I started.

Let me see whether I can answer this concrete example in a way that will illustrate what I mean.

I would be interested to know why you decided to take up yoga. Were you maybe looking for exercise, pain relief, relaxation or just to have an activity. Maybe you joined a class because someone recommended it or it's just at a very convenient time and/or location.

The motivation would most likely open up something significant about the current state of your life. Is it simply convenient, or you feel you need more exercise. We might talk about how we feel after different types of exercise. How to keep motivated to keep going. Or decide whether that nagging doubt about the class really does mean that it's not the right class for now.

How we feel exhausted or perhaps relaxed afterwards. What else we might do to get exercise, what kind of exercise helps us feel best.

This could be all it ever comes to and that would be plenty interesting in itself.

Maybe we start to feel achy and discover we are doing something incorrectly. With good conversation awareness will expand and we know more about how to respond do life is better

Occasionally it might be something much more challenging, such as a serious illness or trouble / divorce or at work.

It's never easy to open up about more serious topics but over days and weeks of talk we start to know each other better and know when to talk and when to not say anything because the other person is working up to talking about more sensitive topics, which need time and space to be spoken aloud, some things once said can never be unsaid.

However terrible or scary something in my life might seem, once I have talked about it with a good friend it never seems quite do bad. It is a relief to get it out in the open. Realise it's not so bad. Over time, with much talk, it becomes something that can be put into perspective. A plan might emerge if how to get over it or how to cope. Or at least I can see glimmer of hope that this might be possible in future.

Celebrating successes, Lifting the burden of troubles, these things happen as a side effect of being interested in and talking about things with my friends.

HTH