My brother's problems.

[Mooshamoo]

I have one older brother. He is two years older than me. He hasn't been particularly nice to me . He has been nasty to me many times. He has had a lot of problems in his life. But so have I. I have had loads of problems. I have had a very hard life. I honestly don't care about him that much. I care about him in general but I have distanced myself from his problems as I need to look after myself.

My problem is my mother. Every time she rings me she talks about my brother's problems. It's always "your poor brother". At the moment one of the problems he has is that he is very overweight and he is upset that he can't get a girlfriend . He can't get a job. He has no friends . He never leaves his house etc I pointed out to her that no one is entitled to have a girlfriend.

Every time she rings me she tells me about 10 problems that my brother is going through. It makes me ill with stress. I've told her that I don't want to hear about his problems and that I have to look after myself. She will say "oh you tell me what I can talk about then".

She's done this to me since I was very young. I remember being away at college at 18, and I couldn't relax and enjoy college life as my mother would ring me every couple of days and talk about all my brothers problems. There was always some massive problem. And I was expected to listen about his problems before my own life.

I feel ill with the stress of it all. I was in a good mood today and then she rang me saying "your brother is so unhappy because of this this and this". And I instantly felt drained. I had planned to go to the swimming pool and after she rang me , I felt too drained of energy to get off the couche.

I feel like I am in a fucking prison. I am going to have to listen to the problems of someone for the rest of my life. I think he is spoilt selfish and has brought alot of his problems on himself. My mother babies him. hearing about his problems all my life totally drains my happiness and drains me of energy. If I tell her not to talk about it she'll say I'm telling her what she can and can't talk about. Shell say "well you tell me what I can talk about then". And nothing gets resolved. What to do? I'm 39 and I've been listening to my brother's problems for most of my fucking life.

Every time she talks about your brother let her your ended the call and explain why. She will soon stop.

This would drive me mad. I’d tell her to change the subject or end the conversation, it’s too much, why should you have to hear about his issues constantly? He’s not a child. He could help himself by getting out of the house, applying for jobs etc.

Doesn't work . There is no reasoning with her. She sees him as her baby.

On this call today I said to her I don't want to hear about his problems. He is a grown man ,older than me. I don't care! I don't want to hear about it.

I'm meant to visit her tomorrow. She said to me on the phone "well if youre going to be like that, then don't come and visit me tomorrow"

She thinks the sun shines out of his arse and she can't see how selfish lazy and spoilt he is.

I wish I'd been an only child. You can leave a husband. It's much harder to leave a sibling. Even if you don't like them

@Marchforward is right, as long as you listen she will talk. She has nothing else to talk about. She doesn't want to hear that any of it is wrong because of her part in it. She doesn't want to change anything.

I would take her at her word, have yourself a lovely day doing what you want to do tomorrow and try not to think about the pair of them. As long as you keep giving her the space to get it off her chest, she will use that. It works for her.

You wouldn't be wrong to distance yourself

I'd sadly not go and visit her tomorrow, is it meant to be a social visit or are you going to help her with something?
A social visit you should enjoy, doesn't sound like you will, if it's meant to be to help her, then golden balls can pick up the mantle!.

Is your mother kind to you at all? and is there any point in accepting phone calls from her or visiting her?
Ending the call when she starts harping on about him won't stop her trying it next time. But you'll have released yourself from putting yourself through listening to it.
She's obsessed with him and all you can do is remove yourself from the situations where she is able to use you as an audience. I went VLC with my late mother for a similar reason. Hearing her outpourings was getting me down badly. It wasn't doing her any good either, she just wanted someone to talk at and like you, there was nothing I could have done about the things she was complaining about.

Next time your mother offloads about your DB, here's how to shut it down for good

" Mother, STOP. He is a spoilt child; you baby him to keep him a little boy dependent on you. That's why he can't deal with his own problems and comes running to you. You need to face up to that and both recognise your co-dependency.

I won't be part of that so I'm going swimming now. Byee"

I find repeating the exact same phrase helps.
Each time she starts taking about him say it. She will soon get bored.

Easy, don’t visit her tomorrow. Start putting up some real boundaries. If you don’t she’ll push responsibility on to you. Bad mother.

I felt drained just reading that op. Sounds like nothing will change, your dm doesn't want it to. She's cast you in this role, she thinks you're obliged to listen to her. It's being passive aggressive with comments like "tell me what I am allowed to talk about then", my dm is like this but she's a narc. My db has always been the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. My dm thinks because I'm her daughter I should do my duty and listen to her woes, and everyone else's, but any negative or stressful things in my life are either minimised and dismissed, or just completely ignored. I've given up tbh and avoid speaking on the phone, it's either texts or in person and I can at least then leave the room to do or get something. Changing the subject doesn't work as she just keeps going back to it, and explaining how I feel doesn't help as she just denies she's doing something. I feel you op, it's so draining, sorry I don't have good advice but I understand how it feels

Send her a text message

mum, please understand I am happy to hear from you and chat in the phone. However I do not want to talk about my brother every single time you call me. If you continue to call me and talk about him then I do not see the point in continuing our calls. I am not controlling what you can talk about besides this one topic as I find it draining.

thanks

So don’t visit her.

You are an adult with agency. If every interaction with your mother is like this then it can’t be much of a relationship, can it?

You can’t change anyone other than yourself.

Sounds like you've already tried telling her to stop. And she hasn't.

So the next step to preserve your sanity really is to put the phone down when she starts. Every time. Because let's face it, she won't just stop. But you can stop listening.

And yes, you really can stay away tomorrow. She thinks it's her way or the highway. Show her you're an adult and you make your own decisions.

You may think you owe your family certain duties. But be honest: is this unit operating like a family, or a support group for one person ar the expense of another?

Yeah I know but I don't have anyone else. I never had a father or any grandparents. I've no aunts uncles or cousins. She is my only family really. And she is 75. It's very hard to know what to do for the best sometimes.

She drains me on every single phonecall I have with her. Maybe I do have to cut her off. Or at the very least reduce contact more. But then I feel guilty as she is 75. But I have to put myself first.

‘He’s not entitled to have a gf’
what a strange thing to write. Your dislike for you brother clearly clouds your critical thinking

Yes it's definitely a support group at my expense. All their problems are put on me until I'm absolutely drained of any energym I'm just a sounding board. It's amazing how much energy one call with my mother takes from me.

As I said I had planned to go to the gym and swimming pool, and after one call with my mum, I'm barely fit to get off the couch. Feel drained.

That’s very hard but the reality is she isn’t changing so it’s either put up with it or move on.

My grandmother was like this. Everyone moaned but no one advocated for themselves.

I know having not much family makes it hard but what are they adding to your life? It’s a two way relationship, family or not.

It's not a strange thing to write at all. I have heard my brother complain about not being able to get a girlfriend for years. The way he talks about it , is definitely like he should be entitled to have a girlfriend. And it's like "how dare women not want to be with him* He never thinks that he needs to improve anything about himself.

There's been years when I didn't have a boyfriend. When I didn't have a boyfriend, I didn't complain at any time about not having one.

No one is entitled to have a romantic relationship.

No one is entitled to a partner.

No one is entitled to many things.
That's just life.

How about trying to take a middle road for a while? Keep phoning, visiting, but as soon as she mentioned his problems, you hang up and leave. "Take care, Mum. It was nice to see you/chat," as you put down the phone. Maybe there'll be some really short phone calls. But maybe she'll choose a different starting topic at some point!

My mum is exactly the same. I’m just a sounding board for her woes, and every time I speak to her I feel drained and angry. I’ve limited contact with her to once a month because I can’t bear it. But I feel guilty about it as she’s in her late 70s and lives alone. It’s awful. No advice, but you have my sympathy. You’re not alone!

For OP, Google grey rock or just think of a phrase, doesnt have to be nasty, something like

I do not want to talk about my brother today, if you have nothing else to talk about then I'm ending this call. AND END THE CALL

Nothing will happen to you, the first time you do it is scary, after that it's a breeze.
You cannot change your mother (or brother) dont try, just take control.

Misery loves company as they say!

As I said I had planned to go to the gym and swimming pool, and after one call with my mum, I'm barely fit to get off the couch. Feel drained.

Go anyway - exercise will clear the negativity and put you back in a good mood.

Your mother sounds tiresome, but your response sounds extreme (feeling like you are in prison). Does she call every day, long calls? If so, cut that off. Once a week give her ten minutes to vent her worries, then if she can't move on say "I need to get to the gym now, talk to you soon!" and physically move yourself on from the conversation, even if it's just a walk around the block.

Isn't it sad that we feel guilty for not enjoying being someone's dumping ground for whatever is on their minds. Once it's out of their mouths and into our ears they feel better. And we end up feeling stressed and guilty