My brother's problems.

[Mooshamoo]

I have one older brother. He is two years older than me. He hasn't been particularly nice to me . He has been nasty to me many times. He has had a lot of problems in his life. But so have I. I have had loads of problems. I have had a very hard life. I honestly don't care about him that much. I care about him in general but I have distanced myself from his problems as I need to look after myself.

My problem is my mother. Every time she rings me she talks about my brother's problems. It's always "your poor brother". At the moment one of the problems he has is that he is very overweight and he is upset that he can't get a girlfriend . He can't get a job. He has no friends . He never leaves his house etc I pointed out to her that no one is entitled to have a girlfriend.

Every time she rings me she tells me about 10 problems that my brother is going through. It makes me ill with stress. I've told her that I don't want to hear about his problems and that I have to look after myself. She will say "oh you tell me what I can talk about then".

She's done this to me since I was very young. I remember being away at college at 18, and I couldn't relax and enjoy college life as my mother would ring me every couple of days and talk about all my brothers problems. There was always some massive problem. And I was expected to listen about his problems before my own life.

I feel ill with the stress of it all. I was in a good mood today and then she rang me saying "your brother is so unhappy because of this this and this". And I instantly felt drained. I had planned to go to the swimming pool and after she rang me , I felt too drained of energy to get off the couche.

I feel like I am in a fucking prison. I am going to have to listen to the problems of someone for the rest of my life. I think he is spoilt selfish and has brought alot of his problems on himself. My mother babies him. hearing about his problems all my life totally drains my happiness and drains me of energy. If I tell her not to talk about it she'll say I'm telling her what she can and can't talk about. Shell say "well you tell me what I can talk about then". And nothing gets resolved. What to do? I'm 39 and I've been listening to my brother's problems for most of my fucking life.

I feel for you. I had the same situation but it was my father. Our mum died when we were in our 20s. My brother has had mental illness since his teens and Dad was in denial . Every year, it was “ your brother must go back to university “ ( he dropped out after year 1) , your brother must get a job, your brother could be a teacher ( he has never held even a basic job down). Completely unrealistic and calling upon me to collude with this unrealistic attitude, at the same time not facing up to the extent of Bro’s mental illness. Then my dad got dementia ( they were living together), brother slid further into mental illness. I had to unpick that situation. It took me nearly two years of weekly counselling to build up my defences and feel I have the freedom and right to my own life, if not happiness. I am now resolved that I will help my brother where I can, but I will not be his carer or sacrifice what I want to do, which might include moving geographically further away from him.

Exactly, OP. It's the arguments and the investment in fixing your mum that's exhausting you.

It's not your job to sort out your brother or your mum.

get a timer , one that makes a noise. When she calls and if you feel like answering then set the timer according to how strong you are feeling that day. So you might think you can cope with two minutes, or five, or even ten on a good day. When the timer rings, you say “ got to go, speak soon” and hang up. The point being you are in control, it is your choice about how much time you give her.

Your brother makes choices about his life, but you are the person who makes choices about yours.

My mum is the same.

no amount of talking to her, polite text messages, defining the problem, offering solutions, asking advice, therapy etc has worked.

what does work every single time without fail?

”oh sorry, I just have to go now mum, I need a poo”

She’ll stop talking and you just don’t call her back.

^ see how perfect this is 🤣 it’s worked even now, everyone has stopped talking. There is no response ✔️

It’s not an Irish thing. I’m Aussie and my family was the same. My mum was furious to discover that you can’t leave adult human beings to your other child in your will - ie force them to take them under their care like she would like to have continued. My brother was 47 when she died and had never worked a day in his life. She had paid his rent and bills - and those of myriad girlfriends - to keep him out of her hair. Ummmm… Hard pass. Can barely afford to pay rent with mine and DH’s wages for our own three kids.