My brother's problems.

[Mooshamoo]

I have one older brother. He is two years older than me. He hasn't been particularly nice to me . He has been nasty to me many times. He has had a lot of problems in his life. But so have I. I have had loads of problems. I have had a very hard life. I honestly don't care about him that much. I care about him in general but I have distanced myself from his problems as I need to look after myself.

My problem is my mother. Every time she rings me she talks about my brother's problems. It's always "your poor brother". At the moment one of the problems he has is that he is very overweight and he is upset that he can't get a girlfriend . He can't get a job. He has no friends . He never leaves his house etc I pointed out to her that no one is entitled to have a girlfriend.

Every time she rings me she tells me about 10 problems that my brother is going through. It makes me ill with stress. I've told her that I don't want to hear about his problems and that I have to look after myself. She will say "oh you tell me what I can talk about then".

She's done this to me since I was very young. I remember being away at college at 18, and I couldn't relax and enjoy college life as my mother would ring me every couple of days and talk about all my brothers problems. There was always some massive problem. And I was expected to listen about his problems before my own life.

I feel ill with the stress of it all. I was in a good mood today and then she rang me saying "your brother is so unhappy because of this this and this". And I instantly felt drained. I had planned to go to the swimming pool and after she rang me , I felt too drained of energy to get off the couche.

I feel like I am in a fucking prison. I am going to have to listen to the problems of someone for the rest of my life. I think he is spoilt selfish and has brought alot of his problems on himself. My mother babies him. hearing about his problems all my life totally drains my happiness and drains me of energy. If I tell her not to talk about it she'll say I'm telling her what she can and can't talk about. Shell say "well you tell me what I can talk about then". And nothing gets resolved. What to do? I'm 39 and I've been listening to my brother's problems for most of my fucking life.

People aren’t good for us just because they’re our parent.

This is so true, @FictionalCharacter !

You need to tell her boundaries, say they're non negotiable and you'll put the phone down when she starts crossing those boundaries. Tell her that if the conversation ends then that's her doing. Tell her that your brother is an adult with every opportunity to change his life if he wishes but you're not willing to hear about his self inflicted problems.

Then you have to carry it through. She is then making the decision to forego your love and support.

Sadly I think you know the answer to this one. You need to distance yourself and prioritise your own welfare. Is your mum single? Does she have friends? If she has no one to talk with maybe pass on contact details for carers groups. She may not feel like a carer as such but she certainly doesn't sound like she has much beyond him and his problems.

It's going to be hard putting these boundaries in place. It might work to 'reward' her with praise/complements when you do talk without the subject of your brother encroaching eg "OK, mum see you soon. Really looking forward to it. Its been great to having a chat with you"...I suspectvthough its going to take a lot of work yo change her attitude so you need to distance yourself until this happens.
Best wishes

I think the reason you are finding this situation so hard, the reason you can't just switch off emotionally, is because you have not yet accepted her for who she is.

You want and need her to be a certain type of mother, because you have no other relatives or family. You need her to be kind and caring and interested in you, supporting you and wanting to know about your life.

She is not this mother, and never will be. You will never, ever have the mother you have always wanted and needed.
You need to accept this, grieve over this, and eventually find a place of acceptance.
Then fill that lack of origin-family with friends and other people in your life.
Then finally you might be in a position to listen to her drone on without it affecting you.

On this call today I said to her I don't want to hear about his problems. He is a grown man ,older than me. I don't care! I don't want to hear about it.
I'm meant to visit her tomorrow. She said to me on the phone "well if youre going to be like that, then don't come and visit me tomorrow"

Fair enough, so don't go - and when she complains, "I thought you told me not to?"

Next time she rings:
"Oooo it's awful, your brother's blah blah ..."
You: Oh dear (change subject) and repeat
"Oooo I don't know why you're being like this"
You: Really? (change subject) and repeat

And presumably even she will get tired of not being listened to in the end

You want and need her to be a certain type of mother, because you have no other relatives or family. You need her to be kind and caring and interested in you, supporting you and wanting to know about your life.

@Stillcountingbeans You've hit the nail on the head. That's how I used to feel about my Dad-I resented him for not being the right “type” of parent, especially after my Mum died.

Once you accept that this is who they are, it’s much easier to mentally detach. My Dad is almost like another child in my life, I look after his emotional needs.

YANBU it sounds to me that you should gradually reduce contact or when your asked what should she talk about find something to say you are interested in. Even just not answer some days no harm no foul.
I also think you should get some help for you to gain strength to help you. He will always be the favourite and it is clear she doesn’t want to help you. The only person you can rely on is you but your friends and other family should help

Honestly I could have written this too OP. My older brother is exactly the same - spent his 20s and early 30s constantly bemoaning why he didn’t have a girlfriend and how it was all the fault of women. I do genuinely think there’s some incel influence that’s deeply unhealthy.
I agree. Some people do think they have entitlement for a relationship with a woman.

What happens if you literally interject logically when she's droning on about him?

I'd be tempted to repeat that he needs to lose weight and get a job. Whether he chooses to do this or not is up to him but it has absolutely nothing to do with you. What the fuck does she expect you to do about it?

I don’t even think the problem is your brother, so… you don’t like him. A lot of people don’t like their siblings. It’s your Mum moaning to you all the time about him!!
I like pp of just agreeing or saying “what do you think you can do to help then?“

I would try and reduce contact as much as possible if it’s stressing you out this much. Is there anything you can do in your day to day life to build more connections with other people? Any social groups to join, walking groups, book clubs, art clubs just to build your social circle a bit if all you feel you have is your Mum? (Not sure if this included friends or not?) but please don’t start moaning all the time to any new friends about your mum moaning about your brother 😂.

I know . I've heard about him being unhapoy with his weight for about ten years. I don't care anymore. I might have cared for the first couple of months. Now I have learned to see that he is an adult that makes his own choices. And he is not my problem.

I’m sorry, my mum is like this too. Like you say, she’s the only mum we’ll get…..

your mum is desperate for comfort/reassurance and won’t realise the impact on you.
things that have helped me recently are:
1 only saying positive things (he’s lucky to have you to support him)
2 finding other ways to keep in touch. We exchange wordles each day and that keeps contact up when I can’t take the strain of calls.

all the best

Social groups to join? I live in a small town in Ireland. There is about one social group a month. There is no art groups. No book clubs. No walking clubs here. I always say you never know true isolation until you've lived in Ireland. I went to England once, and all the social things that people take for granted: book clubs walking groups, we just don't have them at all in rural Ireland. I'm looking to try to move out of Ireland this year.

@Mooshamoo - this is in reply to your post at 12:36 -
If she's said that you're not to visit because she keeps telling you about your brother's woes, then don't go.
She's told you not to go, you certainly don't want or need to be her sounding board about your bother's woes, so there's your "Get out of jail free" card! Use it.
If you keep hanging up the phone and you don't go around, one thing is definitely going to happen - you will stop hearing about your brother. That's surely in the 'Win' column right?

The wording here is polite and gets your point across @Mooshamoo .

You don't have to answer the phone just because it rings. Give yourself permission to not be available and call if & when you feel you want to speak. Agree its hard when someone you care about is so unaware of their impact on others. I have an older dsister (late 70's) who usually greets me with a complete history of her various medical issues regardless. Normally let her have 5 or 10mins to get it off her chest and either completely change the subject refusing to go back to that or say I've got to go as I was on my way out /just having supper/going out with the dog- when she rang and can't be late. Have realised that they won't change so I've learnt to change how I respond and deal with them. Not speaking for a week or two has helped create some mental distance for me and meant their calls have less impact. At least you would have some control.

I should add, if she phones you when you don't show up (and she sounds like she would) say:
"Well mum, you told me not to come, so for the sake of my mental well-being, I did just that. You can't keep shifting the goalposts. I'll be back in touch soon. Just no more talking about Brother", and then you get your Sunday back!

I went VLC last year with my mother (aged 75) for similar reasons. It's been absolutely liberating. I've spent enough of my life on her problems. Free yourself, OP.

Does the church have anything.
All small towns in Ireland lead to a church….😁

^ This. Exactly this.

You must get tough, sorry x

God no. The last place I'd want to be in is a Catholic church. They don't do social groups here anyway just mass. And maybe the occasional group of bringing elderly women away in religious pilgrimages. Not my cup of tea. I def wouldn't go into a Catholic church for fun

OP
Mentioning you’re Irish didn’t surprise me.
Going to make a huge sweeping comment here and I dare say I will be completely trashed by MNs for it……
but here goes

We are Irish family ( plastics born in England)
All mothers in our family spoil their sons. It’s all about the boys. Drives me, us ( female cousins ) crazy.
So I’m not surprised you’re in Ireland.

In which case you need to have a strong word with your mum about this. I had to do it with mine, she just said ‘ oh well that’s how it’s always been, boys are more of a worry, “.

Think you’re mums attitude is seeped in potentially age old discriminatory attitudes

I'm just looking forward to life being over to be honest. It has just been a hard slog.

I was just talking to a woman here in Ireland and we were saying a lot of us go through the same problems in Ireland:

Abusive father's.
Overbearing mother's.
Sons being seen as more important than daughters .
No love.
A lot of abuse
Nothing to do.
Isolation.

Ireland is not a fun country to live in and never has been. I'm trying to get the strength to move somewhere else

I totally agree with you. It's definitely a thing in Ireland. Sons are seen as more important than daughters. Daughters are seen as servants to look after the sons.
Men are seen as more important than women.

It all stems from the Catholic church which had a lot of power in Ireland up until very recently. The Catholic church taught that men were worth ten times more than women. The catholic church really taught that women were worth nothing.

That’s so sad
But I do get completely get most of your list.
so many cousins live in the back of beyond , down the bog as they say’. Have nothing going for them.

I always viewed it as lovely, but we just spent the 6weeks summer holiday and enjoyed the animals and fields etc.

My parents left to get a job and never went back.

I realised the comment about the church was silly. Irish churches don’t do socials as they’re always near the pub!!!