My brother's problems.

[Mooshamoo]

I have one older brother. He is two years older than me. He hasn't been particularly nice to me . He has been nasty to me many times. He has had a lot of problems in his life. But so have I. I have had loads of problems. I have had a very hard life. I honestly don't care about him that much. I care about him in general but I have distanced myself from his problems as I need to look after myself.

My problem is my mother. Every time she rings me she talks about my brother's problems. It's always "your poor brother". At the moment one of the problems he has is that he is very overweight and he is upset that he can't get a girlfriend . He can't get a job. He has no friends . He never leaves his house etc I pointed out to her that no one is entitled to have a girlfriend.

Every time she rings me she tells me about 10 problems that my brother is going through. It makes me ill with stress. I've told her that I don't want to hear about his problems and that I have to look after myself. She will say "oh you tell me what I can talk about then".

She's done this to me since I was very young. I remember being away at college at 18, and I couldn't relax and enjoy college life as my mother would ring me every couple of days and talk about all my brothers problems. There was always some massive problem. And I was expected to listen about his problems before my own life.

I feel ill with the stress of it all. I was in a good mood today and then she rang me saying "your brother is so unhappy because of this this and this". And I instantly felt drained. I had planned to go to the swimming pool and after she rang me , I felt too drained of energy to get off the couche.

I feel like I am in a fucking prison. I am going to have to listen to the problems of someone for the rest of my life. I think he is spoilt selfish and has brought alot of his problems on himself. My mother babies him. hearing about his problems all my life totally drains my happiness and drains me of energy. If I tell her not to talk about it she'll say I'm telling her what she can and can't talk about. Shell say "well you tell me what I can talk about then". And nothing gets resolved. What to do? I'm 39 and I've been listening to my brother's problems for most of my fucking life.

Turns out your brother is on Mumsnet

It sounds like there’s no point expecting your mother to change. She has made your brother her whole life, to her and to his detriment. All you can do is turn away. Maybe decide some standard responses to use every time:
oh really
oh that’s a shame
oh I see
what a pity
(After 5-10) mum I have to go now I’ve got a dentist appointment

And just don’t listen

Yeah I am going to go to the swimming pool. Just thirty minutes later than I planned as I had to build up the energy to go out again.

Someone said I sound like I actively dislike him. I do actively dislike him at this stage.

It can really feel like being in chains at stages.

As i said if it was a partner I could leave him. But with siblings society says youre stuck with them. It just feels like I've been bossed aroundbl by an older male that I don't like for my entire life. My life would have been so much easier if I was only child.

To know that I have to listen to the millions of problems of one man for my entire life, is so stressful.

The strange thing is my mother actually doesn't talk to two of her own brothers at all. But if I ever say to her that I don't want to talk to my own brother, she will say but he Is your only brother.

If I point out to her that she doesn't talk to her brother, she will say yes but it is different with my own child. ?

What happens when you call her out on it? She Next time she says he’s overweight, then make constructive comments - he should join the gym, slimming world or do couch to 5k which you can access online free. There’s also plenty of free dieting online pages etc. Regarding girlfriends, suggest hobbies where he can meet people. Try being proactive (and call their bluff) rather than trying to be sympathetic. If all else fails, repeat the ‘he’s a grown man’ mantra.

I'd go hard on your mum if it was me. I'd say why would any woman want a man baby as a partner, no woman wants to be with someone who is not in control of their own life, health or happiness. Women want equality in partnership, not a child. Then make her watch the documentary about incels.

I'd also tell her you find his issues tedious and self inflicted.

I'd go brutal, as it will go one of two ways...she'll stop talking about it or you can have a massive row, neither of which is a bad result.

She will say "oh you tell me what I can talk about then"

Say-‘anything, apart from DB’s problems’.

Does he still live with your mum?

When your mum is old, your brother will be the one taking care of her if he lives with her...I'd say something like that to him. It might scare him into leaving and having his own life!

I do feel sorry for her. As her world revolves around him. Perhaps when you meet her you could arrange to do something nice together. Every time she brings him up, divert the conversation to asking about her, how is she, what is she doing to take care of herself and enjoy life?

I understand

I have the misfortune of having to constantly help my siblings through their own fault crisis after crisis (they have children on social work plans and I am the one to come and get them all the time when things go wrong).
They are taking my money, my time and my good mental health with constant phone calls too

I bet you jump when a phone rings just as I do

I felt guilty for a very long time that I have an only child but I now think I have given him the gift of no responsibility or duty for any siblings he may have ended up needing to look after

My DH has siblings just exactly the same too. A relationship where you can enjoy your siblings company seems like a fairytale to us eh

As you can see I have no words of wisdom, just complete sympathy and understanding

I am trying to say no to things I know other services provide help with (Like CAB for benefits and debts etc) but it's not always successful when it gets to bailiffs at the door and children terrified and homeless again

I'm just so sorry you are experiencing this too and I honestly think it's more common than not

You need to impose boundaries with your mum, she is using you and not respecting your quite clear request. If you're not ready to put the phone down when she ignores your boundary can you start to put the calls on your own schedule? Don't pick up when she calls, do the things you need to do and when you're ready call her back but set a time limit. Don't pick up so frequently and don't visit if she is being manipulative. She needs you more than you need her. You're her emotional dumping ground, don't let her fly-tip

Yes to be an only child is a gift! Siblings can be bad relationships that you really can't get away from

He doesn't love with my mum. He has his own flat

To know that I have to listen to the millions of problems of one man for my entire life, is so stressful.

You don't have to.

Walk away from that stress. Enjoy freedom.

My mum used to do similar, not necessarily talk about sibling's problems, but I didn't want to hear about them at all (they'd bullied both me and my mother for years and I'd gone LC so didn't see why I still had to hear about the minutiae of their life). I was also aware that anything I told mother about me would be relayed back however much I begged her not to, because "I have to tell them, they're your sibling!" And this was a large part of it, that despite understanding why I wanted nothing to do with said sibling she hated the fact we weren't close so would ignore the ill-feeling between us and pretend to herself all was well. That, and the fact sibling would tantrum if they thought something was being kept from them.

Mum wasn't going to change, so I'd move the phone from my ear whenever sibling was mentioned and only start listening again when the conversation moved on (and I'd tell her what I'd done, but the fact she'd said what she wanted meant she could continue to continue living in her fantasy). I also told her as little as possible about my life so she had nothing to pass on. She hated not knowing but she made her choice.

my mother was like this about my brother.
I went no contact with her as well as him.

"well you tell me what I can talk about then".

"Seeing as you rang me up, & I'm your daughter, how about we talk about my week or that I'm going swimming later?
Then we can talk about your week & what you are doing today.
If you want to talk about DB, you can ring him up. I don't want all our conversation to just be about him."

My mother is exactly the same about my brother, the golden child. She makes everything all about him and it is petty to the nth degree.

For example I recently sent an invitation to a party celebrating a major life event and she said “it went to his work email address.” I said, yes, I only have his work address. “Well he does have a personal email address.” You know what, I don’t give a shit. Did he get it? Yes. Is he able to answer it? Yes. Does he get in trouble for getting personal emails to his work address? No. This pathetic conversation went on for about 10 minutes about where I sent his invitation. I don’t care. He can fucking well learn to cope.

She has subsequently tried to make this whole event about him when in fact he is one of a hundred guests at an event that is solely about me. Will there be food he likes? Will you make sure he has people to talk to that he likes? Will be be involved? He’s in his 40s, civil service job and no mortgage, huge pension, happens to be single. He’s an adult. He can cope. If he doesn’t like any of the canapés I don’t care. He’ll have to suck it up.

If I point out to her that she doesn't talk to her brother, she will say yes but it is different with my own child. ?

"Don't be silly. It's exactly the same for you & your brother as it is for me & my brother. I'm not stopping you from talking TO him, I just don't want to spend all my time with you being talked at ABOUT him."

Don't answer the phone, instead the next day send her a text message saying sorry I missed your call hope all is well, something something something something about the weather. Bye for now catch you later
If she leaves a voicemail send a message the next day saying thanks for the voicemail, bit of boring trivia about the weather bye for now catch you later
Just carry on like that, take control and shut her down you can do it☝🏻🙂

Two possible tactics. Agree with her without feeling emotional attachment to it or feeling you have to fix it.

E.g. yes it's such a shame he hasn't got a girlfriend. Yes it's a shame he can't get a job. Yes I feel for him about being overweight. Don't say it in a snarky way, try and be sincere but not attached to it.

The other thing is to ask her what she thinks needs to be done. Again not sounding snarky but just curious and involved without feeling you have to resolve anything.

The thing is that the more you disagree with someone who's caught in a pattern the more entrenched they become and they won't be able to listen to your reasoning. It is clearly not your problem to solve but be aware she's trying to make it your problem but you can choose not to comply. Distancing yourself emotionally from the responsibility to fix it without actually avoiding the discussion might work better than the current stand off.

If this doesn't work it might be worth booking yourself a few sessions with a counsellor who specialises in family dysfunction to help you disentangle yourself from being your mother's therapist!

OP this is very unfair on you- but truly you have more control than you think.
My adult DS struggles with bad mental health problems and as his carer I know it can be extremely hard.
I also have a younger daughter, but I am very careful to rarely bring up the subject of her brother when we communicate. She is not my sounding board.
My DD and I enjoy our time together, we meet for lunch, go on holiday, have fun days out.
I won't spoil the relationship I have with my DD dumping my problems on her, and I would fully expect her to ask me to stop, or she would reduce contact.

Suggest your mother seeks couselling to deal with her feelings- you are not her counsellor, therapist or even good friend.
One of the given aspects of a mother with her adult daughter is to still maintain that feeling of support only a mother can give.
Don't allow your mother to use you as a therapist.

I’d stop answering all the calls. Answer the occasional one and if it gets too much just cut it short. Say you’re just about to go into supermarket etc

I’d have a nice day tomorrow without having to listen to your brothers problems constantly…..as she’s said don’t bother coming…don’t…

How often does she ring..if it’s every day that’s too much. Once a week, listen and cut it short.

You dont have to answer, if you don’t want to.

I wouldn't answer the phone

Sounds like she has nothing else to talk about and that's why that's all she can bleat on about.

I think what tipped me over the edge today was her complaint about him today was so ridiculous. She rang me and said "your poor brother is very unhappy , he told me he is sleeping alot during the afternoon".

My brother is not working. I am working a very stressful 40 hour week. To hear how tired my poor brother was, made me snap at my mother on tbe phone . I said " he is not working , I am working all week! I do not give a shit about how tired he is".

So I snapped at her. And then she said "if you're going to be like that , don't come". So I got blamed for it all again. Ahh.