Disagreeing with DP about safe sleeping

[bells2810]

DP and I have a 1 week old DD together, my DP also has two children from previous relationship. This is my first baby and I’ll admit I’m an anxious parent. We have a Moses basket in our bedroom for DD to sleep in, she sleeps in it absolutely fine through the day but at night struggles to settle. She often will only settle by lying on DP’s chest and she can sleep like this for hours. When she’s in her Moses basket she wakes up frequently and I think she misses the close contact.

DP has said he wants to sleep in bed with her on his chest and says he did it with his other children and they were fine. I am really against this because throughout my pregnancy I was always told my midwives and other healthcare staff (support workers, health visitors) to never fall asleep holding a baby as it isn’t safe. DP gets frustrated with me saying this as he did it with his other children but the thought of him doing it and something happening to DD gives me horrendous anxiety, he slept with her in the spare room the other night to give me a break and when he said he’d slept with her on his chest I had a breakdown and couldn’t stop crying.

I’ve been told by my midwife to not let DD sleep longer than 3 or 4 hours maximum, and to wake her to feed, which I have been doing and setting alarms just in case she/we sleep longer than that (not that it happens often!) DP also disagrees with this and said that DD will wake us when she’s hungry and we should just let her sleep.

I don’t know what to do. DP is an amazing father and he is wonderful with his kids and DD, but I really disagree with him on these two points and it’s causing a lot of tension. I think I’m also suffering from a bit of the baby blues and feel very sensitive and emotional, whenever we disagree about these things I’m ending up in floods of tears and just feel like I’m causing problems when he is doing what he thinks is best but I’m terrified of something bad happening, especially re the sleeping.

I wouldn't let him sleep with the baby on chest throughout the night, not in keeping with safe sleep guidelines at all. What's done is done in regards to the previous night it has happened but it can stop from now onwards.

I wouldn't wake to feed overnight unless there were specific medical concerns around weight gain?

can't you get a side-sleeper and attach it to your side of the bed, so that you can reach out to touch baby, but she has a safe space.

also seek help from a HCP if you are feeling really stressed.
good luck OP.

The sleeping issue, not a chance in hell I'd let my one week old sleep on partners chest all night. I'm with you 100% on that. My DD was not a great sleeper either, we tried everything but we just had to muddle through the first year somehow, and she sleeps great now aged 15 months.

There's no need to wake the baby unless she's sleeping for really long stretches or she's not gaining weight. So I'm with him on that.

Congratulations on your baby 👶

I had a baby that wouldn't settle in his Moses basket and after two weeks the HV advised me to try cosleeping following the Safe Sleep Seven. You can get more information about this on the Lullaby Trust website.

I agree that a newborn sleeping on your DH's chest is not following safe sleep advice, though it's important for you to remember your DD is currently fine. What matters now is her safety, as well as your mental health, going forwards.

If your DP loves having DD snuggle down on his chest (and tbf there is nothing lovelier than that), can he hold her for a nap during the daytime when he's awake? Or maybe try taking her for a walk in a sling to give you a break?

As for waking to feed, I've always been told that once a baby regains its birth weight you can leave them to sleep but should wake to feed every few hours until then. At a week old your DD might still be under birth weight and that is normal. I'd check with your midwife or health visitor about this.

I was so anxious about safe sleep with my first and so were lots of mums I know. It's important that everyone knows the rules but it can wreak havoc on your emotions as a new mum.

Not safe - but I can see why he thinks it would be a good idea and he's trying to be 'solutions orientated'. She is a week old, so you're not going to be having a lot of sleep and he can't really fix that. So no absolutely not.

I did co sleep in the end but following the guidelines (and we were fine with other risk factors being low) but even when I did co sleep DP went in another room so we had more space. It's not safe for men to co-sleep as they are less likely to wake / be conscious of the baby being there - not sure if the science here but to me it makes sense, and fits in with the it's safer to co-sleep if you're breastfeeding.

Sleeping get a side bed sleeper not co sleep, waking them up to feed iis crazy they will wake when they want food mine slept 8 hours before a feed was required

I wouldnt be waking the baby to feed!

Sleeping with a baby on your chest isn’t safe and it sounds like there is some survivor bias at play.

Waking a sleeping baby is nuts and I’ve never done it.

Thank you for your replies so far.

I’m also recovering from a c section and have been in a lot of pain. Tonight DP said he was going to sleep on the sofa as we had another argument about him having DD on his chest, I insisted on him not doing it and DD stayed in the Moses basket in our bedroom. She woke up in a state, I had left her changing mat etc on our bed but I was in so much pain sitting up to change her that it made me cry, DP heard from downstairs and came up and has got really frustrated with me and taken DD downstairs with him. I’m terrified of him sleeping with her on his chest and have begged him not to but he’s told me to just rest and let him take care of her. Im in tears in bed as I feel useless and I’m just so worried and feel I can’t look after DD the way I want to. I’m in an absolute mess and feel miserable

Oh OP. you are 1 week PP, it's completely normal to feel this way. After both my girls, I was extremely anxious & very very emotional that I would cry while breastfeeding baby. I would defo try and get soMe help OP.

With sleeping, dad should not sleep with baby on chest but I could suggest you use a sleephead pod as honestly that saved my life and it's safe!!! I never used a Moses for my second, I just put her in the sleephead pod either in the cot or in bed with me. I now share my bed with my 11 month old but I do ensure safe co-sleeping.

I always used to sleep with DS on my chest. I'm aware it's not recommended but I used to wake at his slightest sound or movement and it was the only way anyone got any sleep

I certainly wouldn't allow him to sleep on the sofa with her though, that's extremely dangerous. If that's his alternative then I'd let him sleep upstairs in bed with her. It's obviously not totally safe but it's a lot safer than the sofa!

Unless they're jaundiced and extra sleepy/not putting on weight you don't need to wake to feed as far as I know..

You are right to be concerned, it’s extremely dangerous, he may have done it with his other kids, but he was lucky, that’s all. A relatives 4 month old died not long ago from doing similar. With my last baby, I felll asleep breastfeeding, woke up and she was on top the duvet but between my legs I was very very lucky that she was ok and breathing, it could’ve been fatal and that was a mistake not a deliberate act.

you haven’t said how big baby was/is, if she or he is tiny, that would be why they have said to wake for feeds, if baby is a healthy weight I would not worry about waking for a feed.
for example once did a postanatal visit to a mum whose baby had slept all night, they were delighted, we were horrified- baby was 4lb 10!! That baby should definitely been woken for feeds!

No, it's not safe for him to be sleeping with her on his chest and especially not on the sofa

Try one of the next to you cots

He absolutely should not be sleeping on the sofa with her. That is a huge risk. I would ask your HV to come and give a talking to him about it if you dont feel hes listening to you. Same for the bed chest sleeping.

Some options that might help - you cosleeping with the baby following safe sleep guidelines and him downstairs, get a purflo baby bed and have the baby in that on the bed next to you or in a cot/co sleeper crib. Our baby woke constantly in the night as a newborn and those two options helped reduce wakes so much. I wasnt happy for my DH to cosleep with the baby but was ok with the purflo bed as it provides a separate space.

Hard to say with waking the baby for feeds if that is needed without knowing their weight. It sounds like they do normally wake though so i would probably not fight this battle and focus on sleep unless there are real weight issues.

I think a big issue here is your partner not listening to you. You are going to be raising a child together for the next 18+ years and he cant just railroad you by saying he did something that way with his other kids. You are the parent too and get equal say (and frankly with a tiny baby get more say in my opinion as the primary caregiver). At the same time it sounds like this is coming from a place of wanting to care for you. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him in the daytime about how you feel and try to come up with a solution that works for you both e.g. maybe you cosleep at night, and he holds the baby for a couple of daytime naps so you can catch up on sleep. One thing that we spoke about a lot was that my main job was to care for the baby and my DHs was to care for me. So during the day i did nothing for the first few weeks except look after the baby, DH did all food for us, cleaning etc. He also did most nappies.

Also speak to your midwife about the level of pain. I had a c section and it definitely didnt sound as painful as that a week later so maybe they can up your pain meds, check all is healing well etc.

Im sorry youre having these difficulties. Its so tough with a newborn but you will get through xx

Wrote a long message and lost it but just wanted to echo others re the sleeping. It's really not safe, especially on the sofa. We muddled through with the moses basket and dd did get better at sleeping in there.

Re the cesarean- it's such early days. I remember being shocked at how in pain I was and how difficult it was to bend/stretch etc. I turned a corner after a couple of weeks, and movements got less painful but was sore for a while. I remember feeling physically and mentally shit but please ask for help from partner with practical stuff and HV /,GP if low moods continues. Go easy on yourself - it's such early days, the days pass in a blur but you will find your rhythm. You've also had major surgery and a baby at the same time so it's bound to take time until you feel like yourself (or newer mum version anyway).
Also re partner you need to have a chat as although he's done it before it's your first time and this is a different baby. Otherwise you may face these battles over weaning etc at a later date.

You missed out that you're in pain recovering from a c section !!

But, you are right and he is wrong re chest sleeping and sofa sleeping. Not on.

Look up the safe co sleeping guidelines. You or he can do that.

Him ignoring your distress and taking your new born to the sofa to sleep is dangerous and also emotionally distressing for you especially when he knows you are physically unable - this is a big red flag. He should be supporting you and not taking a new baby away from its mum. He sounds like a horrible person. Can you seek rl support? Speak to your mum? Midwife?

He’s probably feeling helpless that you’re in pain and baby won’t sleep so just trying to help. It’s not safe though I’d suggest to him if anything happened it would be the worse mistake of his life. I think there is some evidence though that sleeping on a person isn’t too bad because they’re stimulated by the movement and obviously baby feels close to someone and the movement/breathing is reassuring and womb like!!
We have a next to me and a sleepyhead and we swaddled and baby would sleep ok. I don’t think alone in a Moses basket would suit most babies!

Mine were a bit drowsy/jaundice so I would need to wake to feed but once they regained their birth weight I didn’t have to.

Went downstairs to tell DP I didn’t want him sleeping with DD on his chest as it’s not safe and I’m not comfortable with it. Had a big argument where he said I’m questioning his ability to parent and said he’s trying to look after our daughter since I’m not in a fit state to do it post c section. All I said is that it’s not safe, I’m trying my best but I could never forgive myself if something happened.

I have ended up back in our room, currently trying to get DD to settle so I can put her in her Moses basket but she’s having none of it and now am in floods of tears because of the argument. I really hope it will get better soon.

This will pass, I promise. You will be feeling so understandably vulnerable right now and the tears and bickering are largely par for the course.

Saying that, it is not reasonable for your partner to force unsafe sleeping on you and your baby, even though his heart is clearly in the right place and he is trying to give you some rest.

I would suggest that he take the baby during naps and that way he can do the skin to skin without so much risk of him falling asleep. My partner and I had a rule that if your head started lolling you had to call the other person in.

Order a snuzpod on next day delivery. It will change your life, especially after a c-section, as it allows you to offer physical reassurance through the night without needing to pick the baby up.

As for your partner, you are just going to need to stand firm. Show him this thread if you need to, or the lullaby trust website. Ask the midwife or HV in his presence next time he visits. He is probably feeling defensive because of how he parented before but that is no reason to ignore your feelings. He probably sees you as irrational/hormonal as many men do but regardless of all those hormones you are in the right here. Things will get better, I promise.

Re the waking to feed - unless preterm or other issue I don’t see why you need to. Ask the midwife at next visit and hopefully soon you will no longer need to do this.

Good for you for going and getting her back from him. He apparently cannot be trusted to make safe decisions for her when it comes to sleep, nor to respect your wishes. You did the right thing and are keeping her safe.

He’s being nasty to you and completely unsupportive. Is he always like this? Do you have a supportive mother or sister that you could stay with for a few weeks?Perhaps that would be better until you have recovered a bit more. The last thing you need right now is him picking fights with you and overruling you with your week-old baby. I hope the two of you are able to get some sleep. 💐

You are all adapting to life as a brand new family. Your daughter is very young and will gradually get into a sleep pattern. She has demonstrated that she can sleep in the moses basket so maybe you need to persevere with this at night. Your partner is more experienced than you, but is not being as supportive and understanding as he could be. You have expressed your fears but he is dismissing them, and this is adding to your upset. For your peace of mind he needs to stop the overnight chest sleeping. You need your rest and worrying about your daughter's safety is eroding this.