Disagreeing with DP about safe sleeping

[bells2810]

DP and I have a 1 week old DD together, my DP also has two children from previous relationship. This is my first baby and I’ll admit I’m an anxious parent. We have a Moses basket in our bedroom for DD to sleep in, she sleeps in it absolutely fine through the day but at night struggles to settle. She often will only settle by lying on DP’s chest and she can sleep like this for hours. When she’s in her Moses basket she wakes up frequently and I think she misses the close contact.

DP has said he wants to sleep in bed with her on his chest and says he did it with his other children and they were fine. I am really against this because throughout my pregnancy I was always told my midwives and other healthcare staff (support workers, health visitors) to never fall asleep holding a baby as it isn’t safe. DP gets frustrated with me saying this as he did it with his other children but the thought of him doing it and something happening to DD gives me horrendous anxiety, he slept with her in the spare room the other night to give me a break and when he said he’d slept with her on his chest I had a breakdown and couldn’t stop crying.

I’ve been told by my midwife to not let DD sleep longer than 3 or 4 hours maximum, and to wake her to feed, which I have been doing and setting alarms just in case she/we sleep longer than that (not that it happens often!) DP also disagrees with this and said that DD will wake us when she’s hungry and we should just let her sleep.

I don’t know what to do. DP is an amazing father and he is wonderful with his kids and DD, but I really disagree with him on these two points and it’s causing a lot of tension. I think I’m also suffering from a bit of the baby blues and feel very sensitive and emotional, whenever we disagree about these things I’m ending up in floods of tears and just feel like I’m causing problems when he is doing what he thinks is best but I’m terrified of something bad happening, especially re the sleeping.

I coslept safely with all three of mine, and if my partner had told me I couldn't I'd have been less than impressed. This is something you need to have a calm talk about and try and find a compromise, as he is her parent too. Unless there are concerns about her weight waking a sleeping baby to feed is unnecessary.

You poor love, have a big hug. First, congratulations on your baby.

Second, your h is wrong. And he should be looking after you and prioritising you, not his own wishes.

Get him to read about safe co sleeping or get the HV to talk to him.

And you shouldn't be in such pain. I'd see your HV, see if they can help.

I'd look into safe co sleeping with your baby so you will all get some sleep.

@amylou8 - the whole point is that he is not doing it in a safe way. What if he rolled over in the night?

Oh my goodness.

Fuck your DP for picking a battle with a woman who had a c-section a week ago. What a dickish thing to do.

My DH thought I was being over cautious dozens of times- but knew better than to say a thing! He went along with what I wanted because he cared whether I felt comfortable and supported.

Your DH should be in the next meeting with the HV. The jury is not out on the safe sleeping- he is objectively, completely, scientifically in the wrong and the fact that he got lucky with the last two children is irrelevant.

I'm sorry he's putting you through this. You should be supported right now, not having to argue and deal with his stupid feelings and ideas.

also @amylou8 I assume you're the mum who'd given birth? Once more for those at the back, it is not safe for someone to cosleep with a newborn unless they are the mother!!

That's all well and good but OP's partner isn't. What he is doing is unsafe and could result in harm to his child.

He's really arrogant to not believe the medical professionals.

Have a look at the Lullaby Trust website.

I'm sorry he's being an arse when you need him the most.

I basically agree with the others, you BOTH need to find a way to safely co-sleep. He needs to accept that chest co sleeping especially on the sofa is not fine, you perhaps need to accept having her in the bed and not in the Moses basket. I absolutely agree that a snuzpod for her in the bed between you both sounds like the ideal solution, my second slept in it all the time for the first 6 months. What I would do was make sure she was nice and warm, clean nappy, swaddle loosely and then feed to sleep- then put her in the snuzpod in the swaddle.

Also maybe you could sort your room out so you have nappies etc all beside the bed?
I think what your partner definitely could do as well is take the baby out in the pram/ car, even if just for a couple of hours during the day to give you a break (even if you’re BF either a bottle of expressed milk or occasional formula is absolutely fine).

Your DP is not an 'amazing father' if he doesn't know that his role one week in is to support the post partum mother and not carry on like a muppet.

Sorry, I think it was this thing I used (used to be called a sleepyhead), it was really good- like a bed within your bed. There will be loads of threads on here if you Google I am sure.
www.johnlewis.com/dockatot-deluxe-pristine-white-baby-pod-0-8-months/p5225715?s_ppc=2dx92700069424642082_mixed_home_BAU&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gbraid=0AAAAAD2el1xEVFFzrW6l0UeYZdbU_EAvh&gbraid=0AAAAAD2el1xEVFFzrW6l0UeYZdbU_EAvh&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIq-KtmNrB_QIVgfftCh2JdwShEAQYASABEgKiJfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

This. It’s ok for you to be upset about him trying to ride roughshod over your wishes when you are so vulnerable. I can get that he’s parented before so he thinks he has expertise and probably feels undermined by you not listening to him. However there is evidence that this approach is not safe, and I say this as someone who is very pro bed sharing safely. Have you sent him info on this? Ask HV to speak to him? But mainly I think you need to spell out to him that your body and mind just went through one of the biggest events in your life and that his arguing with you is seriously not ok. He needs to help in the way you ask, not impose himself at this time. Later when you are more recovered you can discuss more equally but I think when you’ve just given birth you need looked after in your way, not his.

You're right about him sleeping with her on his chest, this is dangerous.

Unless there were specific weight concerns, I wouldn't wake a baby to feed them.

You can co sleep safely but that's not safe. You need a different plan if she likes a body. Find the compromise rather than lock horns for your own stress levels. Just one adult in the bed type of thing.

Hes right about the feeding, you don't need to wake them up.

You are absolutely right that this isn’t safe op and just because he’s had dcs before doesn’t change this fact. The only person who could cosleep safely ( following all the safety steps) next to a newborn is their mother who is exclusively breastfeeding as it’s a fact that bf mothers wake more frequently due to letdown, bf babies also don’t sleep as deeply and will wake more when near their mother , breastfeeding regulates heart rate and breathing etc . A man who hasn’t given birth , obviously can’t bf shouldn’t never be falling asleep holding a newborn , it’s dangerous.

@gamerchick if the newborn is v v new and you are breastfeeding then it’s normal to wake them . I did with all my three so they’d gain weight and not get into a cycle of not feeding enough and becoming lethargic. It’s usually only at the beginning for the first couple of weeks.

For the people saying it isn’t normal to wake a newborn to feed , if you are breastfeeding it definitely is and really important. In the first week the baby is so sleepy and lethargic they won’t always wake naturally to feed , if this happens they can become jaundiced and lethargic and then reluctant to feed or don’t have the energy to latch. It’s actually a big factor in bf failure as the more lethargic, less feeding the quicker the weight drop and so people end up supplementing with formula to catch up .
The HV is 100 percent right to tell them to set an alarm, it’s literally only at the start and then the baby will start waking loads themselves anyway.

Your dp is a dickhead and should be supporting you not telling you what's going to be done.

I cosleep using the lullaby trust sleepcode but never ever should a baby sleep ON someone.

You're doing really well advocating for your baby, if your op has a good night sleep he should give you a break to catch up on sleep tomorrow x.

You are right about the sleeping. He shouldn't be co-sleeping with the baby at all, especially with her on his chest. Falling asleep on the sofa with a baby is incredibly dangerous.

If you are breastfeeding you could co-sleep though. This may save your sanity. Look at the lullaby trust website.

I agree with him about not waking baby to feed unless she's not putting on weight or there are other concerns.

It sounds like his attitude - whilst trying to be helpful - is not actually very supportive. He doesn't know best because he's done it before and you haven't.

Wrong. A newborn should be woken every 3 hours to feed. The misinformation on this thread is seriously disturbing 😳

I learnt pretty quickly that healthcare professionals have different opinions so you should do what’s right for you.
Safe sleep guidelines are guidelines not law. Would I let my baby sleep on my chest overnight? No. Would I co sleep safely? Yes (and one midwife suggested this in hospital despite being told a few hours earlier that DS should sleep in the plastic cot). But I would persevere with the Moses basket too.
Would I wake my sleeping baby if they’d slept longer than expect as a one off? No. Would I wake them if they were regularly going hours and hours between feeds? Yes.
Your partner may have had other children but they have never had THIS child. All children are different and you both need to learn to parent your daughter together.

Get a side sleeper rather than the Moses basket. We had a Sleepyhead too and it was great.

On the chest and in bed, but especially in a sofa, is not particularly safe. Your partner got lucky before. It’s easy for it to go wrong.

Go and buy a next-to-me crib today and try her in that.

Also as a step parent I think its important he realises him saying he did it for his other kids isn't going to go down to well. This is your first child. He needs to allow you to learn how to parent without constantly harking back to when he had his other kids. Yes at times it's handy but if he starts insisting this child must be treated exactly the same as his others that is where problems start to creep in.

This isn’t true that only the mother can safely cosleep with a baby. There is no science behind it at all. Dads can safely cosleep with babies.

That said sleeping on a parent’s chest, mum or dad, isn’t safe cosleeping unless the parent is awake. Sleeping on the sofa is also not safe at all.

You and your DH need to arrive at him caring for the baby in a safer manner.

I understood from the op that he's the baby's father, not a step parent. This is also his child and if course he should have a say.

However, I agree with pretty much everyone else, not safe to sleep on his chest, especially if he's sleeping too. Surely that goes without saying.

I wouldn't personally wake a sleeping baby to feed, unless they were regularly going long stretches without waking (as in more than 4 or 5 hours). Mine never did so it wasn't really an option! (Looking as you DS who never slept for more than 45 minutes...)

But I think communication is the key here. He's perhaps trying to help by taking baby, and believes he has more experience, but this is making you feel undermined and like you don't have a voice. You need to sit down when you're both calm and talk about it properly.