Disagreeing with DP about safe sleeping

[bells2810]

DP and I have a 1 week old DD together, my DP also has two children from previous relationship. This is my first baby and I’ll admit I’m an anxious parent. We have a Moses basket in our bedroom for DD to sleep in, she sleeps in it absolutely fine through the day but at night struggles to settle. She often will only settle by lying on DP’s chest and she can sleep like this for hours. When she’s in her Moses basket she wakes up frequently and I think she misses the close contact.

DP has said he wants to sleep in bed with her on his chest and says he did it with his other children and they were fine. I am really against this because throughout my pregnancy I was always told my midwives and other healthcare staff (support workers, health visitors) to never fall asleep holding a baby as it isn’t safe. DP gets frustrated with me saying this as he did it with his other children but the thought of him doing it and something happening to DD gives me horrendous anxiety, he slept with her in the spare room the other night to give me a break and when he said he’d slept with her on his chest I had a breakdown and couldn’t stop crying.

I’ve been told by my midwife to not let DD sleep longer than 3 or 4 hours maximum, and to wake her to feed, which I have been doing and setting alarms just in case she/we sleep longer than that (not that it happens often!) DP also disagrees with this and said that DD will wake us when she’s hungry and we should just let her sleep.

I don’t know what to do. DP is an amazing father and he is wonderful with his kids and DD, but I really disagree with him on these two points and it’s causing a lot of tension. I think I’m also suffering from a bit of the baby blues and feel very sensitive and emotional, whenever we disagree about these things I’m ending up in floods of tears and just feel like I’m causing problems when he is doing what he thinks is best but I’m terrified of something bad happening, especially re the sleeping.

You are definitely in the right about the co-sleeping. He is not doing it safely, I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.
I’m surprised at the comments here about waking to feed - have you all had babies very recently? The advice now is very clearly that you need to wake them.

I’m not sure if it’s already been suggested but when my DS was newborn, me and DH took it in ‘shifts’. So I would go to bed about 8/9 and he’d wake me about 1 and then go to bed. It meant we weren’t both completely fried as had a few hours uninterrupted and whoever was on shift would sleep in the same room as DS (in his basket) and cat nap in between his feeds.
It did mean I had to express milk for DH and we were a bit like passing ships for a few weeks but it worked for us.
Remember, she has just spent 40ish weeks being held by your body so the Moses basket will be a little odd to her at first!

I changed from Moses basket to next to me crib and it worked wonders.

These are not safe to use, and increase the risk of SIDS.

A side sleeper, with your hand on baby's tummy for comfort is a safe option. She will have to get used to sleeping safely and she will. Your husband is ridiculous to risk her life and take her away from you.

OP I bought a next to me/side sleeper crib which attached to the bed and I found that worked best.

I was in your position a few years ago, and I totally sympathise. in pain after a C section, sleep deprived, with a baby who didn’t like spending long in the Moses basket. it is hard.

safe sleep is important, you’re doing the right thing.

You are right and your partner is being a bully. C section recovery is hard enough without someone treating you like this. Lots of babies survive their parents following bad advice, loads of us were put down on our fronts, having survived despite that doesn't mean it's fine to do now we know better. he's an idiot.

Ask your hv to speak to him and discuss the feeding timing with them, depending on feeding and weight you may be ok to leave it longer but only a professional can tell you that. As an aside, c section babies often take a bit longer to catch up on weight, I was told they're not squeezed on their way out so retain more water and mucus so weigh artificially heavy for their first weighing, you'll prob be told you can relax timings once weight has caught up a bit :)

No, never sleep with a baby on your chest. Get a side sleeper so you can lay your hand on her body if she's restless.

You poor woman.

You have had major surgery and are in pain and this awful man is upsetting you.

OP, kindly meant but good men do not behave like that for a minute.

Have you family?

Pack your bags and go to them.

This is not a good man.

You need to contact your GP about your pain le and and that bullying prick who is putting your baby at risk.

You are so vulnerable and his behaviour is absolutely dreadful.

Good father my arse.

Nasty know it all bullying a new mother more like.

I coslept with my second every night until he was about a year old even in hospital. There are safe ways to cosleep and on someone chest isn't. It's really unfair of him to behave this way whilst you are so vulnerable. All he needs to do is Google safe cosleeping and he'll see in black and white that it is never recommended to sleep with a child on your chest.

He has had babies before, but you haven't. This is your first, you have had surgery and he needs to be helping you to do this and enjoy your new baby, not taking over the baby and making decisions for you. So changing the nappy when it is painful for you, running around for the stuff you can't, settling baby back into the Moses basket so that you can sleep with her by you etc.

He needs to be doing the bits that are physically difficult for you at the moment, and sharing the joy.

And drinks and food.

You are right on the sleep thing so stick to your guns.

We woke our babies for breastfeeds until they were about 3 weeks old I think.

If he wants to bedshare he needs to do so safely. If you're breastfeeding baby is really better off next to you. Follow safe sleep 7 and cuddle curl.

Should add, the sleepyhead is not safe but the Purflo is and our baby lived in his. It’s pricey but I found it to be worth it.

I really feel for you OP. I had a baby 2 weeks ago myself (DC2).

I'd absolutely recommend you getting a newborn sleeping bag (I have a grobag one, you can get them from boots or Amazon). My baby wouldn't settle in his next to me cot without it. I think it's because it's like being hugged closely. I double checked with midwife, who said they are safe.

Don't let your husband sleep with baby on his chest. You're absolutely right that it isn't safe.

Also keep an eye on your mood. With my first I had a traumatic delivery and couldn't stop crying once I got home. It was definitely not just the 'baby blues', I needed some help.

Purflo claim it is safe but there is no relevant standard, they have been held by the ASA to have been misleading in their advertising and Lullaby Trust haven't made a distinction. I would consider them the same as a sleepyhead or other nest.

I gave the advice not to wake unless consistently sleeping for longer period than 4 or 5 hours. My youngest is 11, so I've not had a baby recently, so didn't realise advice has changed.

But I'm curious, why has the advice changed? Have babies been dying/getting very ill over previous advice? People.habe been letting sleeping babies sleep for a very very long time, and as far as I'm aware it's not been a problem, so I do wonder why the advice has changed.

I’m not sure - I’m a first time mum but both my midwife and ante natal classes have been very clear on it. I suppose guidance always changes over time as research develops.

From what I recall, the advice that only breastfeeding mothers should co sleep, was simply a bloke watching and writing about his own (breastfeeding) wife. He then looked at how the positioning of FF mums tended to lie, and that the BF mum position was safer. So if you tell all parents, including FF ones, the position they need, then the problem is solved.

Some dads sleep heavier than mums, sometimes the reverse is true. For us, my husband woke quicker than me. We both took it in turns to sleep safely with them, and this was the case for my BF baby and my FF one.

We used a side sleeper (one that very much formed part of the bed) so we'd curl around then in that - is we talked, we'd have hit the sides before rolling on them.

What he is suggesting is not safe. There's probably an element of him being much more relaxed because he's a third, but that shouldn't mean taking risks with safety. I wouldn't be waking to feed though.

There's going to be flashpoints because it's your first and his third, and I'd suggest that when things calm down you both try to discuss this.

My youngest has just gone 2 I've never been advised to wake to feed, whether that's changed over the last 12 months I couldn't say?

Just to add, when talking about waking to feed I'm referring to overnight only. In the day I wouldn't let them go over around 3 hours without a feed and would wake if necessary. Overnight let them wake as required, it was never that long anyway.

I was never once told to wake baby to feed by any midwife, health visitor or GP after having a baby a little over a year ago.
Neither was anyone I knew who had a baby at the same time.

I was also told to wake the baby when they were a newborn, at antenatal classes, by midwife and HV. My DS is 6 months. I think it's about making sure they have enough milk, put on enough weight and possibly a SIDS element too. We set an alarm as a backstop for if he slept an hour or so longer than we would have expected. Didn't usually need it.

Isn’t the wake to feed advice dependent on the weight of the baby? I’ve never been told this but my babies were chunkers from the start and weight gain was rapid. Any mums I’ve know who’ve been advised to wake babies it’s been because they were wanting to get more into them in the early days.

I was told to wake to feed both of mine until they regained their birth weights, which only took a week or two so it was really the very early days when they were waking up a lot anyway. My DC are 3yo and 10 months old, so this was recent. They were both under 7lbs, though, so not massive.

I expect it depends on weight, age, general health and how they're being fed.

As past posters said. It's very dangerous. A family member of ours did this with a 5 week old. My husbands cousin offered to look after the baby while his wife slept. He fell asleep on the sofa and the baby overheated and died. Was horrendous. I suggest you guys shove muslin squares down your tops so it gets your scent. Plus warm the mosses with a hot water bottle to take the chill off (not hot!!). Its not foolproof but it helped my eldest get used to the basket. Was hard going though and you have my every sympathy

For clarity, I'd use the muslin square as a sheet in the mosses basket. Im not saying it's perfect! Lol