Too soon in relationship to have a child?

[Moxysright]

Aibu to think getting pregnant after only a few weeks/ months of dating a person is just too soon? I’ve seen a few people I know over the years jump into this commitment, imo, very quickly and I wonder if they even realise the enormity of having a child with someone? I definitely feel some people panic and don’t really care so long as they can say ‘they have a child.’ Biological clock ticking and all that.

I would have thought that most people that have an unplanned pregnancy consider all their options. Are you suggesting they don't?

In my case, we found out about the pregnancy too late to even consider an abortion, and for a lot of people abortion is never an option.

Personally I don't think there's anything about an accidental early pregnancy that inherently means that a child won't be parented well. Even if the parents split up, it's perfectly possible to coparent amicably and not cause the child any issues.

I accidentally clicked the wrong vote. Yes of course getting pregnant after a few weeks of being with someone is too soon, and there seem to be women who have to have a baby in every relationship they’re in. Not much you can do about it really, their body their choice and all that, and if the kids are well looked after then who’s to say it’s wrong? There are plenty of mistreated kids born to parents who have been together a long time after all.

There's another thread on here where the consensus is warning about moving in with your boyfriend after a year. But have a baby after 3 dates? Go for it.

You can change your vote by simply clicking on the other one.

The reactions on here are quite defensive. If the question had been: "Is getting pregnant with someone you barely know automatically a disaster?" the answer would have been "no, it can work out". Of course it can sometimes work out. I know a couple of couples who were pregnant within six months of knowing one another who are still together 20+ years later.

But that doesn't mean it's a wise or sensible approach. It certainly is risky. It's a bit like buying a house without doing a survey or eating beef that's been in the fridge past its sell-by date. Yes you might be OK but it's hardly a sensible way to plan your life.

My one sister got pregnant on her first date. They lasted almost 10 years, which I think is pretty good going given the circumstances.

My other sister got pregnant (planned) about 4 months into a relationship. That relationship was a disaster.

I think the "problem" with getting pregnant that early in a relationship is (1) that you don't know whther you get on well enough together because you simply don't know each oother very well and (2) you don't have the history and bond to withstand the stress of pregnancy, baby and child. So - assuming people want to raise a child in a two parent home - it's a bit of a gamble to get pregnant early on.

it's hardly a sensible way to plan your life

I'm not sure that anyone is suggesting it is.

I think most of the defensive posts are in relation to other posts on the thread - I don't think anyone is disputing that getting pregnancy early in a relationship is the ideal. But it's other judgements that have followed from that, that I am responding to.

In the grand scheme of things it's probably "worse" to plan a baby in a failing relationship to "save" it. Something it seems quite a few people do. At least doing it early on means you have hope that things could work out.

I’ve seen someone get pregnant immediately with a new partner after struggling to conceive a few months previously with a different partner. Still together and had a second quickly after. Not a risk I’d take but glad it worked out for them

My personal stance is that it's a very risky decision early on in a relationship - I agree that it's a life changing decision and shouldn't be taken lightly. I also think there's a lot to gain from having a few child free years with a partner. There are holidays that me and my partner went on (for example) that just wouldn't be the same with children, and I'm glad we had the opportunity to travel together as a couple before starting a family.

I don't agree with the assertion that it's about people who don’t really care so long as they can say ‘they have a child.’ Biological clock ticking and all that. This statement can also apply to people who stay in long-term relationships with people they're not entirely happy with and/or attracted to because they want to start a family and feel its too late to start over. I don't think it's exclusive to women who get pregnant very early on in a relationship.

'I have endometriosis/PCOS so I didn't think i could get pregnant'

I hear that often.

We got together in December had a miscarriage in January had a miscarriage in March and was pregnant again in April. Yes I wish we’d of waited and sometimes I wish I had a better man as a father.

Of course it’s too soon.

I got pregnant quickly. In fact our daughter was born the day after the 1 year anniversary of our first date.

Yet here we are 15 years later, & years of marriage and still completely in love.

This. Having worked in schools and social services it’s so depressing to see lack of regard and consideration for their child’s future.

Agreed. It’s a problem.

As long as the woman is prepared mentally, financially and emotionally to go it alone then why not.

Given how serious and important it is to have a child, it's sad that both parents didn't want to think about it more and get to know each other a bit better before making such a decision

I wonder how many accidental pregnancies are actually accidents. Did the woman take the contraceptive pill everyday at the same time? Did she wait the recommended time to have sex after starting a new contraceptive? Did she have the implant/injection replaced at the recommended time? Did she lie about using it/using it properly? Sure, very rarely contraception fails even with perfect use, but I am always so sceptical.

Within 4 months, my now DH and I had met, moved in together, got engaged, and had a baby on the way! We are still together years later with more kids and very happy. Sometimes you just know.

I would imagine most do.

Is this aimed at me?

Funny. My daughter has a father.

And in*some" cases, not having their father around is absolutely the right thing for the child. You don't need to be on Mumsnet long to see that

I do think the idea that a relationship isn’t “complete” without a baby needs to be challenged though.

I might be wrong but I don’t think the op is referring to accidental pregnancies, these things happens and it’s great if it works out in the long run. I would question why someone would actively plan having a child with someone they’ve only known a few month though. Surely at this stage of dating you’re both still on best behaviour? I would want to know the real person before doing something that would permanently tie me to them for years.