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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I missing something? Having friends over

100 replies

Mob2011 · 02/03/2023 21:29

Post lockdown my group of friends have made a bit of a habit of nights in rather than nights out, these seem to have ended up being mostly at my house. Our friendship group is

Friend 1- fairly newly moved in with partner, small house with small garden, box room is an office.

Friend 2 - single mum, 2 kids age 4 & 5, 3 bedrooms but one is office as works from home. Kids no set routine with their dad as he is a shift worker.

Both live 25min ish drive away in different directions.

Friend 3 - 3 kids, 5, 7 & 9, safe walking distance of my house (well lit, populated, within a couple of minutes walk), husband is wfh and around a lot- space at home but no spare room.

Me- 2 kids 8&10 and 15 yo SS around 50% of the time but often out with friends or at his pt job near our house, husband away a lot with work, abroad 3ish full weeks a month.

We have the largest house (not to brag, but feel this is relevant) and are well set up for having people/younger children over as I have small nephews so never got rid of the smaller kids stuff, have spare rooms and it’s pretty easy to keep everyone happy. I have absolutely no issue with having everyone here and it’s easier to put the kids to bed together and then the adults can have a glass of wine and dinner and actually have a conversation, older kids can do PlayStation in the playroom or whatever. It also saves me getting a babysitter or trying to manage bigger kids bored/squeezed in at someone else’s house, not leave SS by himself for too long if he’s with us or sort taxi if I want a wine. Friend down road will generally run her kids back at bedtime and then pop back for a drink with us. Everyone will bring a dish, bottle, something for the kids etc so doesn’t leave me out of pocket and everyone is respectful of the house and will tidy up if there is any mess.

I have arranged a catch up in a couple of weeks and my husbands gone off on one about why is it always here, why does no one else host and it’s not fair on our kids that other people use their stuff. He’s always funny about it and I cannot think of a single reason for it to be an issue. He’s not here, the kids enjoy it and it affects him in no way.

Am I missing something?? I want to understand his feelings as it’s his home also so don’t want him to feel like his space is being invaded but going elsewhere would just make it far more stressful for me or involve me going alone on his very limited time at home. When I ask him he just says he doesn’t think it’s fair on me.

Sorry, longer than I intended this to be but didn’t want to drip feed

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 02/03/2023 21:39

If he's not even there it seems quite unreasonable for him to have a problem with you having friends round.

I'd just say hosting works best for you and everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Then just carry on as you are.

WineCap · 02/03/2023 21:41

It sounds like he is worried that you're being taken advantage of and that is odd as you must have relayed what you said on MN to him. Does he often disregard what you say you're feelings? It seems like he doesn't trust that you are expressing your true feelings for some reason.

I don't see any issue with your set up. We generally host our group of friends and like you say, it definitely has benefits. Childcare is a big one for us.

WineCap · 02/03/2023 21:42

*feeling not feelings

StopFeckingFaffing · 02/03/2023 21:44

If he is working away and not at home when you have these get togethers then I can't understand any reason why he would care

If he is going to be home then I can understand why he might not want 3 other families in the house for a noisy evening when he is only home for 1 week a month

Turnipworkharder · 02/03/2023 21:45

He's not even there when your friends come over and he's moaning.
How very weird as it doesn't impact him at all.

butterfliedtwo · 02/03/2023 21:46

Is the expense all on you?

Original poster
Mob2011 · 02/03/2023 21:51

butterfliedtwo · 02/03/2023 21:46

Is the expense all on you?

No not all all. Everyone will bring something normally split into Dinner/Pudding/snacks/kids dinner and everyone brings some wine or whatever they want to drink

OP posts:
HerodAntipasti · 02/03/2023 21:55

It sounds like a great set up!

Is it possible that one of your kids or SC has said something to him?

Original poster
Mob2011 · 02/03/2023 22:01

HerodAntipasti · 02/03/2023 21:55

It sounds like a great set up!

Is it possible that one of your kids or SC has said something to him?

That was my initial thought as SS is the only child at his mums so thought it might be a bit much for him but we have a good relationship (he chooses to spend a good amount of time here when his dad is not) and his response was ‘nah, couldn’t care less’ in a lovely teenage way.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 02/03/2023 22:06

Maybe he thinks your friends (and their DC) spend more time in your home than he does? But that's on him. He's being a bit of an arse.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/03/2023 22:08

You could have left most of that out and just put ‘my oh doesn’t like me having my friends over when he’s not here, even though I’m happy with it’. And the answers would have been he’s an unreasonable or controlling dickhead.

SO224350 · 02/03/2023 22:16

He's probably annoyed that your not home alone pining for him whilst he's away

youtwoandme · 02/03/2023 22:19

SO224350 · 02/03/2023 22:16

He's probably annoyed that your not home alone pining for him whilst he's away

🤣🤣 THIS!!!

Thatenough · 02/03/2023 22:25

youtwoandme · 02/03/2023 22:19

🤣🤣 THIS!!!

Show quote history

It has to be this.

I can't see what his issue is otherwise!

ShirleyPhallus · 02/03/2023 22:32

I imagine that he’s a bit worried about your hospitality being taken advantage of?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 02/03/2023 22:32

Do your and your DC's 'nice' things get used/played with a lot as a result? Also do your friends help tidy up or are you left with cleaning up the resulting carnage (😬) mess?

I always made sure my DC's special toys were away and not able to be accessed by visiting children.

I'm quite protective of my personal space when it comes to anyone outside of my immediate family, due to many years as a child of having to give up my bed to visitors, my DM giving away things she had decided I had outgrown, room always being 'on show' to visitors. I have offended a few people by refusing to give them a tour of the whole house, and only showing them the public areas but don't give a damn. If you're a close enough friend you'll eventually see my room but if you're not, fuck off! Maybe your DH is similar?

Littleflowerseverywhere · 02/03/2023 22:37

Can’t work his issues out either op. I think you need to ask him, I host more than my friends. But they take their share, I enjoy hosting and have the biggest house. Been with my husband for three decades, met him at 20, same friends throughout, I can’t perceive a situation he would react like yours or even give a shit

so speak to him and ask.

CheersForThatEh · 02/03/2023 22:43

When I ask him he just says he doesn’t think it’s fair on me.

what he means is that he doesnt like it bit doesnt want to say so. And this line might even get him some credit for being soooooo considerate.

If he was really bothered about what's fair for you or the kids he would support your decision if any of you were unhappy. Which you arent. So....why is he kicking off?

Better if he just came clean.

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 22:47

If he's not ghee then I don't see the issue. My dh would hate it personally if he were in. A one of would be ok but not all the time. The noise, random kids etc. I personally like a bit of chaos.

Original poster
Mob2011 · 02/03/2023 22:55

If we were all in the same situation (no kids, similar size houses) and I was hosting 75% of the time I would totally get it. However geographically we are central, we have the most space so it just makes sense.

All the kids are fully aware of different rules at different houses. At my house you put away before you get something else out so a lot less carnage that a recent school play date where every box from the playroom seemed to be dumped out on the floor. Sometimes I say not to bother with things as I’m quite particular about things being in certain places etc but there would never be an occasion where a genuine offer to sort something wasn’t there. That’s on me and the house is never trashed or untidy when he gets home. It’s a few drinks and some food. Not a wild party.

We’ve grown up together as our children are, SS being the first small child in our little group and DH friends are mostly from his professional life so maybe he just doesn’t understand the dynamics of the relationships and why we are so comfortable in each others homes and this is what is currently working at this time in our lives 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
QS90 · 02/03/2023 23:13

Does he pay the utility bills? Perhaps he's worried about gas / electricity cost if you've just had a big bill through? Or else possibly does he feel like you're very tired when he's home, and not able to spend time with him / cook for him or something? In which case maybe he feels like all your energy has been used up doing for other people? Seems like an odd response, as you say.

Xzxzxzxz · 02/03/2023 23:19

Does he have form for being funny about you spending time with your friends?

Xzxzxzxz · 02/03/2023 23:19

CheersForThatEh · 02/03/2023 22:43

When I ask him he just says he doesn’t think it’s fair on me.

what he means is that he doesnt like it bit doesnt want to say so. And this line might even get him some credit for being soooooo considerate.

If he was really bothered about what's fair for you or the kids he would support your decision if any of you were unhappy. Which you arent. So....why is he kicking off?

Better if he just came clean.

Absolutely this.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 02/03/2023 23:43

If he's genuinely concerned about you being taken advantage of them explain what you have here and you like it this way and he should let if go.

If he's jealous that you're not pining for him....well, he'll just have to be jealous hey?

Companyofwolves · 03/03/2023 00:07

He sounds jealous. Does he think he’s off working & you’re enjoying yourself too much?
Maybe working away is getting to him if he’s getting annoyed that you’re & your kids are all really happy?
I’d find out what’s bugging him. Maybe he feels there’s an inequality. But it’s hardly that you don’t have to work & deal with everything while he’s away.