To want to go to a festival with friends for a week?

[TwixLeStrange]

Me and my DH have been married for 13 years, together for 16 years. We have two DD together, aged 7 and 11. Every 2 years, a group of university friends meet at a week long music festival. 7 years ago, I decided I'd like to go. We only had 1 DD at the time and she was 2 years old. Me and DH discussed it, he agreed it was fine for me to go and he'd get his Mum to help with DD. I booked the ticket but then he changed his mind. We had a big row about it, I eventually decided it wasn't worth it. I sold the ticket but said I would go in 7 years time.

7 years later it was cancelled anyway (COVID). Last year my time finally came. Again he wasn't happy but I went and had an amazing time. He looked after our kids and because his Mum lives with us now (not as bad as it sounds, as we get on well together), she helped out.

The festival is normally every 2 years but as it was cancelled during lockdown, they're doing it again this year and I'd like to go again. Again, his Mum will help looking after the children. He doesn't want me to go. He thinks it's bad for the family and traumatising for the children. They missed me last time and I missed them but we all got over it and I came home refreshed and happy. I don't see what the big deal is.

He said it was so challenging looking after them last time (the festival is during the school summer holidays) that he's going to take the week off work and take them somewhere nice. I thought that was a great idea. But then he said he doesn't want to come on our family holiday and we may as well have separate family holidays. I accused him of emotionally blackmailing me. Last year we still went on a family holiday. I've already booked accommodation for this years and told the kids about it, they're looking forward to it.

I conceded and said I wouldn't go. But then thought about it some more over the weekend and got more and more angry about the emotional blackmail and so changed my mind. I said, fine, he can stay away from the family holiday if he likes, I'll still take the kids and hope that he changes his mind about coming. I've offered to reciprocate and he can go away somewhere nice with his friends for a week but he doesn't want to. Equally, he doesn't want to come to the festival as he doesn't like camping or festivals.

Now he's saying he wants a divorce. He says we fundamentally want different things from a marriage. He thinks I want to 'carry on having a single life' while he wants to focus 100% on the kids. He doesn't want to be 'left to do everything alone at home' for 'weeks at a time' while I go off and do what I want. I asked him at what point he will think it's ok to go away without them for a week. He replied when they're at University, which I think is unrealistic. For context, I'm not some wild party girl who is always out. I'm not really a drinker. I'm a health nut who is always at the gym and prefers early nights and cultural events. The festival is a hippy, trance one with lots of yoga, talks on spirituality vegan food etc... I go out about once a month to meet a friend/friends for dinner/go to the theatre/art galleries etc... Last year's festival was the first time I'd been away from the kids in 10 years. I take the kids to my Mum's house one weekend a month and also for 1 week per year and he doesn't come with us so he gets lots of alone time to relax. But he's said he doesn't ask for this and he's right.

My issue isn't really about the festival. Of course my marriage is more important than a festival and if it was just this, I would skip it for this year. But I feel if I give in to this, I'll never be able to go on any of the other things I want to do in the future. Me and DH are very different and have different interests. But I've never thought that was a problem as long as we didn't stop each other from being who we are as people. I feel like he's trying to make me be someone else. AIBU?

"You know what DH I think you're right. We both want different things in this marriage and I think a divorce is reasonable. I can plan every other weekend with friends whilst you have the children. That's much more than a week! And I won't have anyone guilting me for wanting to have fun"

I'm petty so this is what I'd say and call his bluff.

Do you have children?

I would be unimpressed if my husband did this to me. Say if he was out at 5 a side football for a day each weekend and then off to the pub on top, plus work drinks once a month, plus meditation weekly. It would grate pretty quickly.

As it stands, I do quite a bit of socialising myself and my husband is more of a homebird, but I do think there is a line and OP is venturing into crossing it.

If her husband is unhappy with the way things are, then I would suggest OP tries to compromise in the first instance e.g. going out less at weekends to attend the festival, or whatever she feels is workable.

I would also add that banding about divorce is a low blow from your DH, OP and I wouldn't be happy with him saying this without you both trying to meet in the middle somewhere first.

I would be unimpressed if my husband did this to me. Say if he was out at 5 a side football for a day each weekend and then off to the pub on top, plus work drinks once a month, plus meditation weekly. It would grate pretty quickly.

If you look at the numbers, it's about once a week she's out on average, because she's given the numbers monthly. And a night meditating, but she's in the house. Once is week is fine, surely?

These are perfectly reasonable times to be out of the house with children of these ages. This is the only time OP is out of the house non work because DH doesn't do anything. 2 evenings a month and 2 weekend days a month and a weekly online meditation. Seems a healthy balance to me. Maybe those weekend days might be all family if DH did anything. OP likes to live a little and socialise, her husband doesn't and this will increasingly be a strain.
This is so common in relationships. The man creates their whole life with their partner and the women likes it at first but then increasungly sees it as limiting and stifling.
Don't back down. If you are lucky to be healthy enough and secure enough to do these things like festivals, then do them if they make you happy . If you have good friends then don't stop seeing them to appease anyone.

@Dacadactyl Thank you for your comments. It's good to hear from someone who sees it from a similar perspective to my husband, for balance. I appreciate it.

I'm allowing him to keep going on about enlisting solicitors and selling the flat etc.. while calmly stating that I don't want a divorce but I won't stand in his way if that's how he truly feels.

op, this is quite unbelievable.

You need to urgently and critically woman up. This doesn’t mean screaming and shouting. It does mean “calmly starting” that you also wish to divorce and will be securing a solicitor pronto

Can you imagine how you’d feel if one of your DDs was enduring this marriage and what you would advise them to do. Not only for their sake but for the children

I’m not saying I’d jump for joy at idea of a partner going off for a week, BUT in this scenario…. That’s just the side issue. It his threats for divorce it’s his awful comments to you as per your other threads. His refusal to want you to go for spurious and selfish reasons.

Are these university friends that you both had?

@Vegrocks No. We didn't go to the same university.

So what you going to do?

I was going to ask if he has any friends of his own.

It is not fair for him to expect your social life to stop, even though he has none. It's also not healthy for him to make the kids his social life.

It sounds like he's feeling resentful that you're going away without him, as opposed to without the kids. But the resentment is misplaced. His lack of a social life is a problem he needs to address himself.

He's not going to find friends of his own out of nowhere in 11 years when your youngest goes to uni. What will actually happen is with the kids gone, he'll find he's entirely dependent on you for socialising and entertainment. So, you'll probably still be resented for going out without him.

Tell him you would want 50:50 arrangements for the kids so can he work it back from the festival to save you saving!

Do you have children?

Yes, an 8 year old.
DH plays football once and week and also has a football season ticket. We socialise separately probably once a month but that can sometime be more often for me depending on what's going on. Tbh we don't keep count as sometimes life is busier one month compared to others so we just roll with it.

However, I don't see that as an excessive amount.

Op
This is not going to get better. As your kids get older and more independent , you will want to spread your wings a little more and it sounds like he wants everyone sitting in every night together. I think fundamentally you and he want very different things.

@iCouldSleepForAYear I think you've hit the nail on the head. He feels threatened by and resentful of my social life. He's shared with me a similar post he did on a men's group (Real Men, Real Dads on Facebook) and the kind of comments he got back. Most of the men were saying things like, "you need to man up and smell the coffee. She's cheating on you, that's why she wants to go to a festival, to get some strange whilst she's off her face." It's a ridiculous notion a) I've never cheated on him or anyone else b) I'm not the personality type to 'get off my face' c) I'm a middle-aged woman.

Have to admit this made me laugh out loud. How often do you see the 'he must be cheating' nonsense on this forum. I guess the sexes aren't so different after all.

@lazycats I don't get it.

I've never been the jealous type and neither has he (until now). I think he's been influenced by what these blokes have written and the fact that we are so different is making him suspect I'm looking for/have found someone with whom I have more in common.

Its not like you are leaving him to cope on his own with a baby and a toddler. He has his Mum who lives there and your children are 7 and 11 - perfectly able to have Mum away for a week once a year.
Its not like he even has to do the school run. We used to have a lovely time in the summer, when DC were that age picnics, summer movies, "big days out" to the zoo or lazy pj days. What is so hard about that?

If he went out, you wouldn't stop him. It's down to him that he doesn't want to do that.

Supposing you do give in and cancel a lovely festival with your friends that you've been looking forward to all year and missed out on during covid - what then? Will the divorce threats stop? Frankly, if he threatens divorce, then you absolutely should not give up socialising with your friends as you will need them post-divorce

The extent to which he threatens divorce, talking about lawyers etc is very unkind. It's bad if he doesn't mean it but is just using that to force you to "obey" and also bad if he kind of does mean it.

And as for its not the marriage he signed up for.. that somehow implies that you deceived him in some way, married him under false pretenses. Well so did he. How about if he'd said I want this to be a marriage where you don't socialise on your own upfront... what would you have said to that?

Sorry you are going through this. He is being very very unreasonable.

And if he doesn't trust you, the marriage is over anyway. If the only way he can trust you is to keep you under his constant surveillance there's an issue.

It doesn't sound healthy or happy.

On your other thread you write

* He has them for two hours on a Saturday morning, taking them to a class. Then he checks out for the rest of the weekend and I'm left to deal with them alone. We visit my parents once a month. He refuses to come hence I'm a single parent while he gets a lovely weekend off. As I barely get any time to myself, I snatch what tiny snippets I have ie when they're in the shower, to do what I need/want to do.*

So it would seem he gets an awful lot of time to kick back based on this post?

I think you should absolutely go to the festival and have a great time. It does seem though that you only have one weekend a month where you are available for family time. I could be misreading it though?

I've not seen the other thread from OP with her husbands comments, so I don't know whether he is otherwise unreasonable, but on this issue I would tend to come down on his side. Although you make valid points too OP and I think his talk about divorce is unhelpful and aggravating.

Has he said what he thinks an acceptable compromise would be in his mind? And do you feel able to compromise?

@Vegrocks Since we had that bad patch, we had yet more counselling and he agreed to do more with the kids during the week. He does the bulk of helping them with their homework and I help with any extra-curricular activities ie music practice, helping learn lines for drama club etc... Although the weekends are still mostly me, I'm fine with that as now he's helping more during the week. He's also relaxed a lot of the rigidity he had around rules and become less critical. I've worked a lot on myself and get less triggered now so fights don't escalate in the same way and it's not the toxic atmosphere it was a year ago.