To want to go to a festival with friends for a week?

[TwixLeStrange]

Me and my DH have been married for 13 years, together for 16 years. We have two DD together, aged 7 and 11. Every 2 years, a group of university friends meet at a week long music festival. 7 years ago, I decided I'd like to go. We only had 1 DD at the time and she was 2 years old. Me and DH discussed it, he agreed it was fine for me to go and he'd get his Mum to help with DD. I booked the ticket but then he changed his mind. We had a big row about it, I eventually decided it wasn't worth it. I sold the ticket but said I would go in 7 years time.

7 years later it was cancelled anyway (COVID). Last year my time finally came. Again he wasn't happy but I went and had an amazing time. He looked after our kids and because his Mum lives with us now (not as bad as it sounds, as we get on well together), she helped out.

The festival is normally every 2 years but as it was cancelled during lockdown, they're doing it again this year and I'd like to go again. Again, his Mum will help looking after the children. He doesn't want me to go. He thinks it's bad for the family and traumatising for the children. They missed me last time and I missed them but we all got over it and I came home refreshed and happy. I don't see what the big deal is.

He said it was so challenging looking after them last time (the festival is during the school summer holidays) that he's going to take the week off work and take them somewhere nice. I thought that was a great idea. But then he said he doesn't want to come on our family holiday and we may as well have separate family holidays. I accused him of emotionally blackmailing me. Last year we still went on a family holiday. I've already booked accommodation for this years and told the kids about it, they're looking forward to it.

I conceded and said I wouldn't go. But then thought about it some more over the weekend and got more and more angry about the emotional blackmail and so changed my mind. I said, fine, he can stay away from the family holiday if he likes, I'll still take the kids and hope that he changes his mind about coming. I've offered to reciprocate and he can go away somewhere nice with his friends for a week but he doesn't want to. Equally, he doesn't want to come to the festival as he doesn't like camping or festivals.

Now he's saying he wants a divorce. He says we fundamentally want different things from a marriage. He thinks I want to 'carry on having a single life' while he wants to focus 100% on the kids. He doesn't want to be 'left to do everything alone at home' for 'weeks at a time' while I go off and do what I want. I asked him at what point he will think it's ok to go away without them for a week. He replied when they're at University, which I think is unrealistic. For context, I'm not some wild party girl who is always out. I'm not really a drinker. I'm a health nut who is always at the gym and prefers early nights and cultural events. The festival is a hippy, trance one with lots of yoga, talks on spirituality vegan food etc... I go out about once a month to meet a friend/friends for dinner/go to the theatre/art galleries etc... Last year's festival was the first time I'd been away from the kids in 10 years. I take the kids to my Mum's house one weekend a month and also for 1 week per year and he doesn't come with us so he gets lots of alone time to relax. But he's said he doesn't ask for this and he's right.

My issue isn't really about the festival. Of course my marriage is more important than a festival and if it was just this, I would skip it for this year. But I feel if I give in to this, I'll never be able to go on any of the other things I want to do in the future. Me and DH are very different and have different interests. But I've never thought that was a problem as long as we didn't stop each other from being who we are as people. I feel like he's trying to make me be someone else. AIBU?

Of course you should go he can parent his own kids for a bit. He doesn't need his mum to wipe his arse for him either.

@HumourReplacementTherapy We actually did go away together alone to New York for 10 days when our eldest was nine months old. His Mum looked after her. He said that was different because she was so young, she doesn't remember it. We don't go away together alone now and I'm actually not sure if he'd approve or not. He has floated the idea of going to New York again alone in the past. But at other times he says he wouldn't want to leave the kids with anyone else so who knows!

I've just seen your other thread. Your relationship sounds utterly toxic! It doesn't sound like either of you are in love with each other, more that you are co-dependent and don't know where else to go. In one comment on that thread you say he is a good father, yet every other word you write on that thread and a lot of what you say here demonstrates that he is a terrible father. I think you are so deep in it, and you've had a difficult father yourself, that you cannot see what a terrible father he is. The situation/conversation around their afro hair is awful. Everyone in your house, including your kids and your MIL, must wake up in the morning instantly stressed, on edge, wondering whether someone is going to blow up over a comment.

I'm sorry if this sounds brutal, but I fear for how your girls will grow up in this environment. I grew up with parents who should have separated, the effect on me was hideous, even now in my 40s I'm anxious thinking about it. If you won't separate for yourself, do it for your kids.

@AnotherSpare It's been much better this year though. He's been less critical and I've worked more on self-care and boundaries meaning I don't get triggered as much. I thought we were doing much better and might actually make it, until this latest issue.

I go to lots of trance events here and abroad so I known which one your thinking of going to. Just go!

You're not going to a ton of events and your kids won't be traumatised and maybe a divorce is actually better.

Screw it, his attitude its only dragging you down.

I am going to be honest I wouldn’t be keen on dh going on a week long festival break - it would definitely make me question his maturity and suitability. Mainly because I find them grungy and disgusting. I also know my dc would find a whole week very difficult as they would miss me or dh very much, maybe your children get very upset without you?

You don’t sound remotely well suited, for that reason alone it would create questions about the long term.

I have travelled for work without DD since she was dinky and she’s not traumatised! He sounds a misery.

Grungy and disgusting...some festivals have really great facilities. One well known none ib Belgium has flushing toilets cleaned regularly even have body spray and sunscreen stations for everyone. A huge food court area with some amazing foods, a restaurant you can book. Does that sound grungy and disgusting to you?

Another one i know is on a beach, yes it has portaloo toilets but they too are cleaned regularly. Whats disgusting about that?

Maybe you should be more open minded.

And why question their maturity? There are people of all ages who go to festivals. Going to music events isn't an indicator of whether someone is immature or mature. Its people going to something they love going to.

Thats what these events do, unite people who love music.

He is an emotional abusive prat! Let him off. His way or the highway - yep off he goes with his mother.

We have one life you have the right to friends and fun. These don't stop once you have children and they won't be traumatized by your break they may be upset but will be fine.

Enjoy the break.

It’s wet, muddy, cold and packed full drug dealers and people out of their heads. I used to go to world class festivals and they are all the same. Some are downright dangerous re: Reading. I would have a low opinion of my dh if his idea of a good time was to get shit faced for a week - just my view.

Why on earth are you talking about your DH getting shit faced for a week @Springchicken75 ?

how is that relevant to the OP going to a yoga/vegan music festival where she doesn’t drink?

Do you seriously think emotionally abusing your spouse with the threat of divorce to control their behaviour is ok?
honestly you sound incredibly narrow minded and judgemental.

We have 3 kids between 12 and 16, over the years -
DH has gone away camping/climbing numerous times from 1 night to 10 nights with his friends,
I have gone away over night with friends and this year the women in the extended family (MIL, DD, SIL etc) are going to Paris with out any of the men and I am going to a small festival with friends.
even the kids shock horror go away without us - school trips, scout camps, sleepover with friends and to stay with MIL.

I think it helps us all retain a sense of self and individuality, some independence and also gives us stuff to talk about!

we also plenty of family trips and holidays either all together or some of us.

I have gone away for a week or weekends with friends since dc were very little. Dh and dc love it, they get to have their dad all to themselves, he treats them and he really enjoys it. He does not love you. If he did he would want you to do things that give you a break and make you happy. He should not dictate this to you and if he is prepared to put the dc through divorce over you going away for one week a year then he is an idiot.

maybe your children get very upset without you?

IF this is the case I bet a lot of this is to do with how it's framed by your DH.
Both me and DH travel for work and my trips in particular can be a week long, sometime longer.
My DH never makes feel guilty about it and he just plans fun things to do with DS while I'm away. Of course he misses me but he doesn't get upset.

It's not healthy to have no friends, hobbies or interests

The more he says, no you cannot go

The more you will want to go or regret if you don't go

How many men leave their families every weekend for their hobbies like football, golf, cycling etc

I'm voting that you should go

Sounds like this is about way more than just a week off but I would have operated under 'you look after them for a week, then I'll look after them for a week and you can do whatever you want' system.

That “much better” OP is clearly from the gutter. Because based on this and your previous thread… this is a profoundly unpleasant marriage

I'm a home body, OP. More of an introvert. DH is the extrovert.

He's going to a festival this year.

That's who he is. He's sociable and gets energy from being around people. I'm the opposite. I get drained being around people. I love when he goes out or away and he comes back with all this energy. He misses home terribly when he goes and I love having the house to myself to potter.

Our differences make us stronger as a couple.

Your DH is being ridiculous. I'd say to him, if you want to divorce me because I want to go to a festival for a week - then by all means start proceedings - I thought our marriage was stronger than that. Clearly I was wrong and you're right that's not a marriage I want to be part of.

And quite honestly OP, I strongly suspect your DH will shit himself.

I go away with my friends at least once a year my husband is going away next week without me.

He's controlling

I think it does depend to some extent on jow often you are out in the week doing your own thing. How many nights a week and for how long each time are you out?

I would look to compromise with him first if you are actually away from home a lot.

Sounds like you only get on great when you do exactly what he wants.

Surely he can agree that it would be far more traumatic for the children to divorce than for you to go on holiday?

Is he always so immature and controlling?

@Dacadactyl I go out one Thursday evening per month for drinks with work colleagues. I also have a weekly meditation group which meets on Zoom so no need to go out for that - but it is a night I'm 'away' from the family since I'm shut in a room meditating with the group. Other than that I go out about one weekend evening per month to meet friends for dinner or watch musical/cinema etc.. and/or one or two daytime weekend meetings per month with friends to do things like hiking/lunch/gallery exhibitions etc... In his mind this means I'm 'always out'. I'm not so sure but maybe I'm wrong?? What do you think?

I feel that a lot of your activities are being done when it would traditionally be "family time" e.g. evenings and weekends.

Correct me if I'm wrong but that reads as though you are out at least one day every weekend, doing one thing or another?

Do you both work FT? If I was in your DHs shoes and I was being left with the kids one full day at every weekend, I wouldn't be happy either tbh.

I totally get that it's important for you to have downtime away from the kids and to be yourself, rather than "just mum", but I can personally see where he's coming from.

Seems normal to me. It will seem like a lot to him because he doesn't do the same.