Teen bedtime battles AIBU?

[Wowsersreally]

Wise mumsnetters. Give me your thoughts.

My sun-thurs rule is phone downstairs by 9:30 to facilitate being in bed for 10

Every night my 15 year old pushes this which results in my nagging and her being rude and lippy and us both going to bed in a grump.

She gets up at 5.45 as she doesn’t like rushing and leaves for school at 7 . She’s quite anxious and I think needs a proper rest. She’s otherwise hardworking and responsible. She has always been high maintenance but does thrive on autonomy.

Who’s being unreasonable, what works in your homes?

YABU: let it drop, cut her some slack, she’s mature enough to decide her own hours.

YANBU: stick to your guns and be the parent. 15 year olds need boundaries - and sleep!

She needs to figure this out for herself. I haven't set a bedtime since mine were 13, they need graduated steps to independence. I approach this with what is the risk ? Overtired teen has a tough few days ? Well hopefully their critical thinking and reasoning kicks in and they self correct.

The phone is a separate issue but mine has no attachment to his

I had a midnight curfew at 15!
You're being very unreasonable
If she's hardworking, responsible and thrives on autonomy as you say, then you need to give her a little more freedom.
In 3 short years she can leave and live her own life if she so desires, let her self regulate a bit.

I’d have a trial period of a couple of weeks and see how she gets along. Make it clear that you will be monitoring it and any slipping of standards means you will be going back to the old routine. Hopefully she will be able to self regulate but if she can’t it will become apparent fairly quickly.

Reasonable to me and most definitely in her best interest.

What happens thirs-sun

I’ve not set bedtimes for mine since about year 6. They have to figure this out for themselves, surely?

My kids phones are set to automatically lock at night time - the 16 year old 9.30pm weeknights, 10pm at weekends. Almost 14 year old 9pm weeknights, 9.30pm at weekends. That way we don't have to argue about when, it just happens automatically.

Occasional they might ask for extra minutes if they were in the middle of a text conversation, or if we are out and about somewhere late, but otherwise it's non-negotiable. 16yo has ASD/ADHD so finds it hard to self regulate, but is allowed to access Spotify only after the phone is locked.

yeah, at this point you have to let them try these things out. So you say "fine, have the phone"

and then when she's all "oh i can't I'm sooo tired" you can ask her what she can change in her routine.

my 15 year olds were often up a lot later than me, and getting up earlier.

Phone downstairs by 9.30 is perfectly reasonable. They need time away from screens and social media and friends chatting etc. I'm also a fan of saying "into your room by 10". Sleeping is up to them though! I don't tell either of my much younger kids it's time for sleep - they can draw and read til they feel sleepy. But no screens and no being downstairs into the late hours.

If she is otherwise responsible then pick your battles and let her figure it all out herself

It's an early wake up time but at 15 I might give self regulating a try. She might be tired for a few days but then she'll probably look forward to an early night.

DS is only 12 but I've started to loosen up on the bedtimes, he still usually says he's going to sleep at about 9:30/945, no drama.

I think the phone rule is sensible and reasonable, but she needs to decide for herself when to actually get into bed

I never took phones off mine at bedtimes. Were up for school always. 15 they're old enough to regulate themselves imo.

We have always had set bedtimes, so 10pm during the week for 17yo DS1 and 9pm for 13 yo DS2.

At the weekend DS1 can go to bed when he wants and DS2 goes up at about 10.30.

We have never restricted phones in their bedroom and DS1 now voluntarily leaves his downstairs after realising that it really didn't help with his sleep.

If we had forced the issue when he was a younger teen it would have led to lots of conflict and I really do think that is counterproductive in the grand scheme of things.

My 13 year old has a bedtime of 10 (phones off at the same time) sun-Thursday. Friday and Saturday I let her go to bed anytime she wants. Seems like a fair compromise to me.

I think it's reasonable to have a phone shut off time, as some kids are unable to manage this themselves (mine included)
But 9.30 is quite early. My almost 13 yo has a shut off tune of between 9.30 and 10.
He doesn't get up til 7.15 though.
I'd maybe give her a bit more time, til 10 maybe

My 13 and 14 year olds have similar rules. Sun-Thurs, phones have to be with me by 9.30am and its supposed be "bedtime" by 10pm but I don't police that. I encourage reading and music for as long as they want. My son stayed up late last Sunday as there was some YouTube boxing thing on that he wanted to watch, so there is flexibility and I'm open to discussion.

The rules are in place more for the fact that I'm up early for work and if they don't have some sort of limitation, they are up and downstairs all night, putting bathroom lights on and generally a pest. I think it's important for them to have a limit on phones. TikTok is such an insidious app and I know mine would be on there all bloody night otherwise.

Weekends, they do their own thing and I'm not involved as long as they keep the noise down.

My 15 year old lad started staying up too late on school nights (11pm) but I let him. He soon felt the pain of sleep deprivation having to get up at 7am for school. It took about a week before he imposed his own sleep rules.

I think you are absolutely right to have a time for her phone to be put away…. We all should :) Phones are designed to be addictive and she is still very young (in my opinion). Otherwise the light from her phone will mean she doesn’t sleep as well and that combined with her getting up before 6am would leave her shattered? If she then potters about her bedroom for however long before going to sleep I think that’s a different thing.

10pm at 17?!

Who’s being unreasonable,

You are.

She needs a bit of freedom to learn with here.

Thanks all, good to see what happens in other peoples houses. It’s definitely a phone issue rather than a bedtime issue, she takes forever to drop off, as I did, she listens to Spotify in bed, I worry having a phone will just push her sleep time back further and then we all have to deal with the fall out!

I have another one who is not so much of a phone junkies and takes themself off to bed when tired. I don’t get involved in their night time routine at all so there is an element of horses for courses.

Weekends they can both do what they like.

I don’t think I’m overly militant but will try letting her get the balance for herself and see where that goes. xx

Yes! He doesn't object and goes up when I do. He wont sleep until he is ready, but I do like everyone to be in their rooms during the week by the time I go to bed.

@FunnysInLaJardin

Does he never go out with friends?

What will the situation be when he is 18?

You definitely should be enforcing boundaries around phone use, especially at night. She has to get up for school at 5:45 so I think I would actually be making phone off time earlier. 15 year olds need at least 9 hours sleep, which means that ideally she should be asleep by 8:45. That's probably unrealistic (although my daughter went to bed by that time at that age when she also had an early wake up time so it's not unheard of).

If it was me I would explain to her that because of her early wake up time and that for her physical and mental health she should be aiming for 9 hours sleep, you are going to make 8:30 her phone cut off time. I would encourage her to start to wind down for the night at that time, maybe reading in bed until she is sleepy.