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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen bedtime battles AIBU?

127 replies

Wowsersreally · 02/03/2023 13:16

Wise mumsnetters. Give me your thoughts.

My sun-thurs rule is phone downstairs by 9:30 to facilitate being in bed for 10

Every night my 15 year old pushes this which results in my nagging and her being rude and lippy and us both going to bed in a grump.

She gets up at 5.45 as she doesn’t like rushing and leaves for school at 7 . She’s quite anxious and I think needs a proper rest. She’s otherwise hardworking and responsible. She has always been high maintenance but does thrive on autonomy.

Who’s being unreasonable, what works in your homes?

YABU: let it drop, cut her some slack, she’s mature enough to decide her own hours.

YANBU: stick to your guns and be the parent. 15 year olds need boundaries - and sleep!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wowsersreally · 02/03/2023 17:30

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 15:56

Op have you asked her what she would actually do on her phone post 9.30?

Mostly watching TikTok/ greys anatomy or catching up with messages that she wants to catch up on before bed - but didn’t earlier because she was watching tiktok greys anatomy or some other series…. If she can’t sleep, and she doesn’t easily, it’s a tempting distraction from her insomnia, which I understand. The phone addiction stops her getting ready for bed though, and then she’s clanking around whilst DS and I are trying to sleep which is another frustration.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 17:34

What’s she like over the weekend when she doesn’t have restrictions

FunnysInLaJardin · 02/03/2023 17:35

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 15:39

I can’t open a paper without experts constantly saying how we should reduce screen time and get more sleep.
and yet seems like a fascist dictatorship to some to try to ensure our teens have the best bedtime routine.

Aren’t all trying to reduce screen time and get a decent night sleep? I know I am!

I know! Seems bizarre to me that having a normal bedtime for the whole family is seen as somehow odd.

The 2 constants in our house are dinner all together at around 7.30 pm and everyone getting ready for bed at least by 11. I know not everyone will be asleep straight away, but it gives the day some shape

Works for us, and so until it doesn’t we will carry on

Original poster
Wowsersreally · 02/03/2023 17:47

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 17:34

What’s she like over the weekend when she doesn’t have restrictions

I’m not sure what time she goes to bed at the weekend but it’s usually after me (11ish) she could be on her phone till 3am for all I know! she sleeps in so I don’t worry about her being sleep deprived. I know advice is to maintain the same routine all week but I’m happy to be relaxed about it. Maybe the contrast between week and weekend is difficult for her.

OP posts:
Squiblet · 02/03/2023 17:52

MaggieMagpie357 · 02/03/2023 13:35

My kids phones are set to automatically lock at night time - the 16 year old 9.30pm weeknights, 10pm at weekends. Almost 14 year old 9pm weeknights, 9.30pm at weekends. That way we don't have to argue about when, it just happens automatically.

Occasional they might ask for extra minutes if they were in the middle of a text conversation, or if we are out and about somewhere late, but otherwise it's non-negotiable. 16yo has ASD/ADHD so finds it hard to self regulate, but is allowed to access Spotify only after the phone is locked.

So how do you set the phone to only access Spotify and nothing else after it's locked? I'd like to do this with DS's phone, but Family Link doesn't seem to allow it - once it's locked on the 'bedtime' setting, it's completely locked for all apps - unless I've missed something?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/03/2023 17:55

We have always had set bedtimes, so 10pm during the week for 17yo DS1 and 9pm for 13 yo DS2

17 is too old for set bedtime. I’m amazed you get any compliance.

I’ve never policed. Mine got on fine. Part of becoming an adult is discovering how much sleep you need and when you need to sleep.

Original poster
Wowsersreally · 02/03/2023 17:56

Her temperament is much the same at weekends. Sometimes lovely, sometimes a little… challenging

OP posts:
Smoky1107 · 02/03/2023 17:59

I stopped a bedtime as sick at around this age. They need to learn to self regulate and recognise when they are tired and what routine works for them. Both my daughters have late nights and early nights but they are hardworking, passing all exams etc. I'd said YABU. Maybe keep the phone from 10.15 but no set bedtime

Original poster
Wowsersreally · 02/03/2023 18:02

fir phone free Spotify we use one of these:

Mighty Vibe Spotify and Amazon Music Player - Bluetooth & Wired Headphones - 1,000+ Song Storage - No Phone Needed Digital Audio Player - Black amzn.eu/d/blhRFc4

OP posts:
villagelife77 · 02/03/2023 18:03

10pm at 17???? 😵 Poor almost adult

MaggieMagpie357 · 02/03/2023 18:06

@Squiblet you can change access to Always Allow for Spotify or any other app you'd be happy for them to use after the phone locks

Pigletnotatwiglet · 02/03/2023 18:13

villagelife77 · 02/03/2023 18:03

10pm at 17???? 😵 Poor almost adult

Bizarre!

Changingmynameyetagain · 02/03/2023 18:15

My 12Yo goes to bed by 9:30. The 14 and 16 yo both self regulate.
DD is 16 and about to sit her GCSEs and she stays up late studying, I often have to tell her to go to bed but she gets up in the morning for school ok so I don’t make a fuss.
DS1 is 14 and his screens need to be off by 11pm but he’s like me and a bit of a night owl, he lies in his pit till lunchtime on the weekends but he’s up for school on time so I just leave him to it.

familyissues12345 · 02/03/2023 18:22

By 15, DS1 was regulating his own sleep, and was a great sleeper so I didn't worry about taking his phone away as he was usually snoring by 10 Grin

DS2 is a different kettle of fish, terrible sleeper so has to be medicated. Doesn't see the need for it, and would happily stay up gone midnight (and be in a foul mood next day) so we still control his bedtime - in bed by 10.30.

JudgeRudy · 02/03/2023 18:23

I think 15 is quite old to be set a bedtime! I agree with others that perhaps you should try letting her manage this for herself. A month seems a fair trial as that gives her enough time to establish a pattern and factor in bad days, periods etc...just don't pick a month when she has exams or anything else that could impact long term.
I'm not sure I'd be asking for phones to be handed in. At 15 you shouldn't be looking at her personal content (unless you have reasonable suspicions) so it's just about regulating screentime I presume. In my opinion this comes in with the bedtime....managing own time.
Good luck

Marblessolveeverything · 02/03/2023 18:24

Bed at 10 seems a little challenging for adults. Most nights we are only back from gym, theater, bookclub, catching up with friends, watching a movie etc so bed time for adults here is midnight ish. Up at 7, usually very late Friday or Saturday night and sleep in at weekend, never needed more sleep. Too much living to be done to be in bed by ten.

BraceForImpact · 02/03/2023 18:36

This seems very early to me.

We often have activities that finish at 8/9 and ds (15) is usually up revising / working until 10.30/11 most night.

His phone turns off at 11pm every night - we have tried earlier, but it doesn't work and I have had to relent and accept it this way.

Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 18:38

No bedtime, no phone rules and my kids have managed / are managing to self regulate and do great at school. At 15 she’s capable of managing her own bedtime / natural consequences. 9.30 is early to be going up to bed at 15.

maddiemookins16mum · 02/03/2023 18:48

Compromise. Phones away at 10pm, she goes to bed when she wants.

maddiemookins16mum · 02/03/2023 18:51

Oh I’d highly recommend ‘nothing much happens’ - bedtime stories for adults (nothing dodgy I promise), I used to take ages to drop off, listening to these have really helped.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2023 19:09

YABU

She's old enough to choose her own bedtime and get up in the morning by her own clock.

Pick your battles wisely. This isn't the hill to die on.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2023 19:11

Agree with @KnackeredBack

Allblackeverythingalways · 02/03/2023 19:16

Arebella · 02/03/2023 14:45

My friends 2 DDs are currently totally rebelling against the restrictions that were put on them a few years ago. They are now glued to their phones and don't speak to anyone at all. It's a shame to see how they've now turned out, when maybe a little lighter on the restrictions when they were so unnecessary could have been the happy medium. They've gone the opposite now that they are allowed on them.

One of my best friends rebelled against her very strict parents.
Really smart, intelligent girl, was destined for great things, went ABSOLUTELY NUTS as soon as she turned 18, pregnant, drugs, etc.
Now lives in another country and is NC with her family. (She calmed down, but the rebellion phase was immense)
A little freedom might have prevented that.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/03/2023 19:21

Marblessolveeverything · 02/03/2023 18:24

Bed at 10 seems a little challenging for adults. Most nights we are only back from gym, theater, bookclub, catching up with friends, watching a movie etc so bed time for adults here is midnight ish. Up at 7, usually very late Friday or Saturday night and sleep in at weekend, never needed more sleep. Too much living to be done to be in bed by ten.

I got to bed at 10.15! I’d be knackered if l stayed up later than that.

Mojoj · 02/03/2023 19:24

At 15, she should be learning to self regulate surely? Although I know MN is ferocious about telling 17 year olds what time they should go to bed🤣🤣🤣🤣