Teen bedtime battles AIBU?

[Wowsersreally]

Wise mumsnetters. Give me your thoughts.

My sun-thurs rule is phone downstairs by 9:30 to facilitate being in bed for 10

Every night my 15 year old pushes this which results in my nagging and her being rude and lippy and us both going to bed in a grump.

She gets up at 5.45 as she doesn’t like rushing and leaves for school at 7 . She’s quite anxious and I think needs a proper rest. She’s otherwise hardworking and responsible. She has always been high maintenance but does thrive on autonomy.

Who’s being unreasonable, what works in your homes?

YABU: let it drop, cut her some slack, she’s mature enough to decide her own hours.

YANBU: stick to your guns and be the parent. 15 year olds need boundaries - and sleep!

Its not an age thing really, just that if the kids are about during the week which they are then I like everyone to be up by the time I am.

He doesn't go out in the evening with friends and neither does DS2, so its never really come up.

If he really objected then we would be flexible, but since it works well for us I'm leaving it as it is.

Its not an age thing really, just that if the kids are about during the week which they are then I like everyone to be up by the time I am.

Of course it's an age thing, are you expecting them at 18 to go to bed at 10pm?

Yeah I'm fairly hands off once they reach 14 - DD3 doesn't have a bed time but tends to go to bed at about 9:30 - sometimes 10 - she's up at between 6:30 and 7am - if she gets less sleep it's her choice. No bedtime at the weekend so tends to go later but sleep in.

Worked fairly well with her sisters - they have to start taking responsibility and making choices

My friends 2 DDs are currently totally rebelling against the restrictions that were put on them a few years ago. They are now glued to their phones and don't speak to anyone at all. It's a shame to see how they've now turned out, when maybe a little lighter on the restrictions when they were so unnecessary could have been the happy medium. They've gone the opposite now that they are allowed on them.

I really sympathise because my 15 year old really, really needs her sleep. If she doesn't get enough, life is miserable for all of us. It's not like normal tiredness (she is autistic with sensory issues in particular and I think this gets exacerbated by lack of sleep). I suggest to her that in general, she should be asleep by 10 and generally she is. If she slips for a few nights and she has a meltdown about something, she has learned that lack of sleep is usually the reason and fixes it herself. If it went on much longer, I would step in for her own well-being. Sometimes when she is slumped on the sofa and I can see she is too tired to even be bothered to take herself upstairs to bed, I will prompt her.

So I guess we try to strike a balance between giving her autonomy but with guidelines in place and a steer in the right direction if things go off course.

What happens over the weekend OP?

That is the litmus test. Because if she manages to self regulate, then maybe ease up.

however if she leveraged the loosening up of bedtime and then ends up being overtired and moody, then you know that having a weekday bedtime is the right thing to do

This is really interesting as I'm thinking actually yes, don't all sensible adults go to bed between 10&11pm?!

But the tone of your post suggests otherwise.

OK, so I'm coming at this from the other side of it so to speak and offer a different perspective to the rather more prescriptive comments. I have 3 dc and none had phones removed in the evenings except for a 2 day period when dds were 12 and 14 and being a royal pain with them. All 3 of them had strict bedtimes until teen years but then we reduced controls significantly, in line with their behaviour/maturity levels. Our feeling was and still is that they need to self regulate and learn some of life's lessons by experience (e.g. if you're getting up early for school and you've been on your phone until 2am, you'll be buggered). I could have been far stricter with ds, who was a very easy teen. DD1 might have bleated a bit, but is generally a biddable sort, although I suspect she might have just bought a burner phone! DD2 is like her df and it would have been all out war if we'd tried to impose something like a 10pm bedtime on her at 15. Frankly, by that age, she was pretty much an adult in many ways. I should also point out that they are now 22, 20 and 18, all doing well, all immensely sensible and I would do the same again. You have to progressively let go and treat them more and more as adults. They need to be able to make the smaller mistakes to learn from them, before they instead jump straight into making big ones. Being able to deal with mistakes and failure (of a sort) are part of life training and we've tried to help that by not interfering with their lives too much. It sounds like I'm advocating irresponsible parenting, but I promise I'm not.

Mines 14. The phone cuts out at 10pm and so does wifi but he doesn't get up 7/7.30.
He can stay up and read or whatever as long as no tv or electronics. He is usually asleep by 10.20 as he is bored lol

The boundaries around phone use are good, but I’d let her decide herself about sleep. Can you say in her room by 10pm but she could read until she’s tired.

@KnackeredBack yay - someone had the courage to say it - I didn't in my post but will now - I have never restricted phone use and they all had TV's in their rooms - there!

They - like yours - learned to be sensible!

Ridiculous really, within the heat they could be applying for jobs and working! You can’t be locking phones away at 9:30. She should be able to self regulate at that age, I did. Some nights I’d stay up till 1 others I’d be asleep by 9. My sister was religiously asleep by 9:30/10pm and had access to her phone. Everyone’s different

Totally agree with your rules here. Mine have phones away earlier than that and go up just after 9. They can then read before sleep in the week but frankly I need a break with them upstairs and they need some time away from screens. I think flouncing around at this age is normal but being consistent is a good thing. If I left it later than that point in the evening then someone would suddenly decide they had some urgent issue for school tomorrow and then want to get me involved in their disorganisation so I need to have that done and dusted earlier for my own sanity.

I don't go to bed until 1am most nights (admittedly I don't have to be up until 8:50am). I've always been a night owl and struggle to sleep if I go to bed earlier. Life has finally got to the point where I can sleep during my natural sleeping hours.

I think I'm fairly "sensible" in most other ways!

I can’t open a paper without experts constantly saying how we should reduce screen time and get more sleep.
and yet seems like a fascist dictatorship to some to try to ensure our teens have the best bedtime routine.

Aren’t all trying to reduce screen time and get a decent night sleep? I know I am!

Mine didn't have a bedtime as such but had to leave phones downstairs until after GCSEs. They wouldn't have achieved very good grades if they were sitting on their phones until the early hours, which I know one of them would have done.

A 10pm bedtime at 17 is a bit much though.

10pm was bedtime for mine at 15.

I'm genuinely amazed that you think everyone is like you.

Or is it that you think that only people like you are sensible and adults with different body clocks are somehow irresponsible?

My DD2 is also 15, no set bedtime and she’s very sensible, some days she has an early night, generally in bed by 11 during the week, up at 6.15am. Weekends she gets a lie in if she wants but even then is normally up by 10 if not earlier. I’m not a fan of enforced bedtimes as they start to grow up.

I teach this age group and it seems to be:
40% self regulate
40% aren't allowed phones at night
20% permanently tired as they stay up late on their phones

My DD kept her phone in her room at that age. She looked after her own sleep schedule very well. She went to sleep on time no prob.

And what would you do if you were a parent to this age group?

Like @KnackeredBack we didn't set bedtimes or phone restrictions.

Both DC we're sensible and wanted to do well so self regulated. If they were tired in the morning then they knew to have an earlier night or catch up without me saying so.

Both appreciated being trusted rather than babied.

Op have you asked her what she would actually do on her phone post 9.30?

My teenagers are expected to put their phones downstairs at 10pm because that's when I go to bed. DD2 goes to bed by 10pm anyway, DD1 is an owl like her father and the pair of them are in the kitchen chatting and watching TV together for hours after the rest of the house are in bed. You can guess who in the house struggles to get up in the morning and who doesn't.

I think there's no one rule for everyone and while some (like DD2) thrive on having a routine and sensible bedtime others (like DD1) find it harder because their natural routines don't fit that pattern. I have the opposite problem that I don't need anywhere near the supposedly perfect 8h sleep a night so if I'm asleep before 10pm then I'm wide awake at 4am. Fine during the week but not so good at the weekend when it feels quite antisocial to be ramping about at that time in the morning.