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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have an abortion and not say a word

114 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 01/03/2023 12:37

Just found out I'm pregnant, unplanned not sure exactly how far along. I have 2 children already don't want anymore. Aibu to just get an abortion without saying anything to anyone

OP posts:
WetBandits · 01/03/2023 13:07

If you want an abortion, you don’t need anyone’s permission Flowers

I might tell a friend or sister after the event so they can support me/check in on me in case it isn’t straightforward, though.

ShimmeringShirts · 01/03/2023 13:07

Another one saying entirely your choice, you don’t need to tell anyone.

From a practical point of view, if you don’t want anyone with you at the hospital/clinic etc the staff themselves are amazingly supportive and if they can will stay with you/pop in and check on you if you choose to have it done there. There is also the option to take the first tablet at the clinic and the second one at home (assuming you’re going down the medical route as apposed to surgery as you will need someone to collect you from the hospital afterwards if you go down surgical).

You might find the actual termination goes fine and you feel fine in the immediate aftermath but at some point in the future may struggle with having gone through it alone. In that case there is a lot of support and help available, it doesn’t matter how far back you had the termination.

Whatever happens, I hope you’re ok. Make the best decision for you and that’s all that matters Flowers

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 01/03/2023 13:08

Thanks everyone for your kind words. The people saying about support im under mh services so might say something to them haven't decided yet. It's more people in my actual life I don't want knowing

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 01/03/2023 13:09

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/03/2023 12:56

All the people saying "what is your relationship with the father?" and "how did you get pregnant?" are asking weirdly irrelevant questions.

Abortions are legal medical procedures. They aren't something you have to prove you "deserve" or justify yourself for wanting. And like all medical issues, you don't have to tell anyone about if you don't want to.

Disagree.

It adds relevant context, because there's additional advice that might be valuable depending on the answer to those questions.

For example, if OP was in a generally OK marriage but wanted to abort without telling her husband. She's welcome to do so, of course, but extra advice might be to think about why she doesn't want to tell him.

CharmedUndead · 01/03/2023 13:10

You don't need to share your medical decisions with anyone at all. It's your body. You do what you feel is best.

WetBandits · 01/03/2023 13:10

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 01/03/2023 13:08

Thanks everyone for your kind words. The people saying about support im under mh services so might say something to them haven't decided yet. It's more people in my actual life I don't want knowing

If there’s someone within that service that you trust and have a good relationship with, I would probably tell them so they can make sure you have the appropriate support.

Best wishes to you Flowers

TheToothofaPig · 01/03/2023 13:10

My friend did exactly this. She told me but only after the event and no one else knows. She already had 2 children. Relationship with husband was OK at that point but they did divorce a few years later (not because of this, he had an affair). She has no regrets. She didn't want any opinion or it being used against her in the future by anyone. All the best OP.

Jamieleecurtain · 01/03/2023 13:11

You might want to tell a trusted friend or 2 to help with emotional support and childcare if you need it. No need to tell anyone else, you’re not in a relationship with the father and he has no say in your decision so no point in telling him.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 01/03/2023 13:11

WetBandits · 01/03/2023 13:10

If there’s someone within that service that you trust and have a good relationship with, I would probably tell them so they can make sure you have the appropriate support.

Best wishes to you Flowers

Show quote history

Yeah I have a community psychiatric nurse who I see fairly regular

OP posts:
astarsheis · 01/03/2023 13:13

Your choice and your decision.
However, if you do not want any more children then please get some long term contraction sorted.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/03/2023 13:14

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/03/2023 13:04

If no relationship with the father than I think that’s fine, it’s your body. If father is long term partner/husband/someone you love I’d tell them because it’s a big secret to have between you and could effect you mentally going forward having the pressure of keeping it to yourself.

The thing is, that assumes a happy, loving relationship in which you can trust your partner not to try to prevent you, guilt trip you, punish you or shame you. Which, if that was the case, you probably wouldn't feel the need to keep it from them in the first place, and certainly wouldn't be asking a group of strangers for permission.

What I think is being debated here is whether the potential father has a right to know about an abortion, regardless of the sitution. There is sometimes an idea that "it's his baby too!" and thus a woman does something unspeakably immoral if she decides not to tell the potential father about an abortion, even if it might put her at risk to do so.

However, this is often just another way to shame women for daring to get an abortion - the idea there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way, and the right way includes owning up to your shameful secret.

Personally, I think if more men knew how many times their ass has been saved by an abortion, they might regard it as a more important public health issue, but that is a best-case scenario - if a woman decides that the individual man who has contributed his sperm to her pregnancy is not someone she wants knowing about her abortion, then that is the end of it. None of his business.

BadNomad · 01/03/2023 13:16

It is a medical procedure. It is no one else's business.

WilsonMilson · 01/03/2023 13:16

If you’re not in a relationship with the father and are certain, then fair enough, it is entirely your choice.

If you were otherwise happily married I wouldn’t be an advocate for secrets like that, they tend to be insidiously damaging, but in your circumstances I think it’s entirely fair.

Abortion is emotionally and hormonally tough, even if you are sure it’s the right thing for you. Having someone to talk to helps a lot, so you might want to seek some counselling afterwards to help you air any of your feelings about it, especially when you can’t talk about it to those around you. Good luck.

Tumbleweed101 · 01/03/2023 13:19

Go ahead and not involve anyone- unless you have a supportive friend who you can trust to help you out practically/emotionally if you might need it.

Barannca · 01/03/2023 13:21

You should do whatever feels right for you as it is your body so your choice.
But you so need to think about whether you might need support after the abortion. If no one knows that will be difficult. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to?

CrazyLadie · 01/03/2023 13:21

It is your decision and yours alone! You do need to consider how you will feel afterwards and ensuring ya have support. Having a termination can be very traumatic, not necessarily the op as such but the emotions and feelings afterwards, even if you know you did the right thing. I just want you to know it is an easy option and will have an effect on you.

Mariposista · 01/03/2023 13:21

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 01/03/2023 12:47

I'm not in a relationship with the father

In this case do it.
However you might want to tell a trusted friend who you know won't judge you or try and change your mind. Just to have someone to share what will be a difficult process with, to offer you support and of course, to know what is going on in the event of complications post-abortion.
All the best OP. It can't be an easy position to be in.

Pieandchips1234456 · 01/03/2023 13:23

YANBU your body, your choice.

TeeBee · 01/03/2023 13:24

TessoftheDubonnet · 01/03/2023 12:51

It doesn't matter how it happened or who with.

It's absolutely your choice.

Totally agree with this. Do what feels right for you OP.

Heartsandbirds · 01/03/2023 13:25

If that’s what you need to do, do it. Especially if you’re not in a relationship with the father. Your body, your life. But if you go it alone, make sure you’re kind to yourself, take care of yourself and allow yourself time to heal in every way 💐

SeulementUneFois · 01/03/2023 13:25

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 01/03/2023 12:41

Do it OP, you sound very sure and anyone else’s involvement might make you wobble

This OP.
All the best!

Honoraryuce · 01/03/2023 13:26

I wouldn't tell him. Even if you were in a relationship I still think it's your right to go ahead without saying anything because it's your body and your decision.

RosetteNebula · 01/03/2023 13:26

If you are not in a relationship with him and you're sure it's what you want you're absolutely NBU. I have done it in a similar situation. I'm not even saying it would BU if you were in a relationship with him but it would be harder to keep a secret,

Witchcraftandhokum · 01/03/2023 13:26

I did it. Never told a soul. I've never regretted it.

whumpthereitis · 01/03/2023 13:27

It’s a medical decision you’re making about your own body. You don’t owe him, or anyone else in your life, that information.

it may or may not be something you want support with. I didn’t need it before or after mine, so it’s not guaranteed that you will. It sounds like you do have a nurse you can talk to in case you do, but don’t feel like you have to if you don’t.