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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say ‘I can’t afford it’?

101 replies

Flippingnora100 · 28/02/2023 20:08

DH and I disagree. He grew up poor and now would never openly say, ‘I can’t afford it,’ or give the impression that he doesn’t have much money. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to be pitied and wants to feel like he belongs socially.

I have no problem being open if I’m not opting in to something because it’s too much. I would absolutely never talk about all the money I do have, but I’m not embarrassed to say if something is too much or if I’m stressed about money. If I do this, it makes DH cringe massively.

DH got laid off in December, which was stressful as we are mid-construction project and have a lot of outgoings. He has since started a new job thankfully, but it did bring up this difference between us.

How open are you if you can’t afford something? Is it bad to say that?

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 28/02/2023 20:12

I say "that's beyond my budget".

Greensleevevssnotnose · 28/02/2023 20:12

No of course not but be genuine. Can you not afford it or would you rather spend the money on something else. E.g I'm really sorry I can afford cinema and dinner when you really mean I can bear spending all evening with someone and would rather just do one. Just be straight forward

Greensleevevssnotnose · 28/02/2023 20:12

Can't of course

3LittleFishes · 28/02/2023 20:15

I understand your husbands point of view, as you know it embarrasses him rather than say you can't afford it just decline without mentioning money. It seems the kindest approach as it doesn't bother you either way!

Lentilweaver · 28/02/2023 20:16

I have great respect for people who say this. I think it's fine to say.

ChickenDhansak82 · 28/02/2023 20:17

It's a really important thing to learn to do.

44PumpLane · 28/02/2023 20:19

My husband grew up poor and he also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about others thinning he has no money......but he weirdly also has a chip on his shoulder about not grandiosing over others 🤣 I can't win!

Would he be happier if you said something like "ah we can't do xyz this month as I'm afraid all our cash is spoken for.....we are budgeting due to work we are doing in the house"

That way you're not saying you've no money, just that it's spoken for elsewhere, but it's also not imply you're swimming in your wealth as your work in the home could literally be buying new curtains!

TangledUpInDreams · 28/02/2023 20:19

YANBU but neither is he, really. Although it’d be much better for him if he could learn not to look at it that way.

It’s much easier to feel confident saying ‘I can’t afford it, I don’t have the budget for that right now, I’ve spent this month’s fun fund’ or any variant thereof, if that’s a comfortable choice you’re making. Similar to how some people who grew up poor, or don’t have much money, wouldn’t dream of shopping in charity shops. Their babies will always have new clothes and they wouldn’t ever take hand-me-downs. For them it’s a matter of pride, and an understandable one. Many people can’t even shop in sales in case someone see it and thinks they can’t afford to pay full price. It’s because for them it’s tied up with a sense of shame, or being somehow ‘less than’.

Spendonsend · 28/02/2023 20:19

I'm not worred to say something is out my price range or money is tight this week or i have some other financial commitment right now.
Im careful not to say I cant afford something if technically I could but I'd rather spend the money on something else - like if someone says lets meet for coffee and cake but I wanted to do a yoga class and I couldn't do both. Otherwise people think to themselves 'but you said you couldnt afford it and iff you swan doing yoga, you clearly had some money'

MyMachineAndMe · 28/02/2023 20:19

I'm always saying it, because we are always skint, and dh doesn't like it. We're the opposite way around to you in that he grew up in a relatively better off family and I grew up poor.

Cococomellonn · 28/02/2023 20:24

I think "I can't afford" it maybe means different things to different people. I sometimes hear people say they can't afford something I don't think of as expensive but they are paying out a lot for things like diy and holidays and that's fine as I think of not being able to "afford" it meaning it's just not in their budget. It's like saying I don't have £100 to spend on a hen do as im saving for stuff I really want. It doesn't mean I don't have £100 if I wanted to go.

Some people might say that can't afford it and mean they genuinely don't have £100 in their account or cannot spend £100 without eating into their food and essentials budget.

It's not something I tend to say but I think it is fine to say it.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 28/02/2023 20:27

I tend to say 'It's out of my budget' which covers both being unable to afford something and being unable to justify spending on that particular thing.

roastednuts123 · 28/02/2023 20:30

44PumpLane · 28/02/2023 20:19

My husband grew up poor and he also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about others thinning he has no money......but he weirdly also has a chip on his shoulder about not grandiosing over others 🤣 I can't win!

Would he be happier if you said something like "ah we can't do xyz this month as I'm afraid all our cash is spoken for.....we are budgeting due to work we are doing in the house"

That way you're not saying you've no money, just that it's spoken for elsewhere, but it's also not imply you're swimming in your wealth as your work in the home could literally be buying new curtains!

Mine is exactly the same! I can never do right. Sometimes for me it's best just to avoid the subject altogether.

TheySeeMeRowling · 28/02/2023 20:31

Most people know that I ‘can afford’ it but just because I’ve got the money it doesn’t mean I’m going to spend it. I usually just say I haven’t budgeted for it and that stops anyone arguing with me.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2023 20:32

Who are you/he saying it to? What is it you are declining?

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:34

Greensleevevssnotnose · 28/02/2023 20:12

No of course not but be genuine. Can you not afford it or would you rather spend the money on something else. E.g I'm really sorry I can afford cinema and dinner when you really mean I can bear spending all evening with someone and would rather just do one. Just be straight forward

I agree with this.

I find it really annoying when a friend is moaning about not being able to afford something and wanting pity, when actually she means she’s not prioritising it as she’s spent her money on something materialistic or indulgent. I.e she will say she just hasn’t got the money for a new coat for her DC but will have just booked a holiday.

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:35

If I couldn’t afford it I’d say, if it wasn’t a priority I’d just say it’s not something I want to spend my money on.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 28/02/2023 20:40

If I can't afford it for whatever reason then I say I can't afford it. Its no one's business why I can't afford it and if someone says this then you should respect that and the subject should be dropped.

Does need to be picked apart.

Woolandwonder · 28/02/2023 20:40

I tend to phrase it more like 'Ahh I've had loads to pay out for this month but would love to catch up next month' etc if it's more a case of I've had other places i need to spend the money vs I literally don't have a penny spare. If it's the later, I'd hope I'd just say I am really skint, sorry.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 28/02/2023 20:40

Doesn’t**

romdowa · 28/02/2023 20:41

I'd usually say I haven't got that money this week/ month.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2023 20:43

"It's not in the budget" is better I think. You set your own budgets for items and when it's gone, that's it.

Saves people thinking 'well she can afford x so she could afford it' or similar bobbins.

WandaWonder · 28/02/2023 20:50

If one person has a problem and the other doesn't if it doesn't need to be said I wouldn't

I don't see the need to point score on this, but sure go ahead if you actually feel you need too say it

Nosleepforthismum · 28/02/2023 20:58

I think saying a blunt “I can’t afford it” can come across a little aggressive sometimes. I prefer a softer “I’d love to but DH and I are on a bit of a budget/things are a little tight for us right now so we’ll have to decline” approach.

Original poster
Flippingnora100 · 28/02/2023 20:59

I’ve turned down a few dinners with friends by just saying, ‘I can’t make it’ or not replying on group chats when people are adding their names to the list. And I turned down a couple of trips abroad with friends by saying I couldn’t because of DH losing his job.

I agree, it’s not always a case of, ‘I can’t afford it.’ Often it be more accurate to say, ‘I’m prioritizing other things’ or ‘I’m being sensible.’

DH got 6 weeks pay when he was laid off and he has a new job already so all is OK. I’m not complaining. It could be a lot worse!

We do have a lot of friends who have quite a lot of money though. They don’t talk about it, but they are able to do expensive things and many of the women don’t work etc. There’s sometimes an expectation that people can just afford to do everything so I am probably the only person sometimes saying no for financial reasons. I don’t really care what someone thinks if I can’t afford something though. If that’s the truth, I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise! But DH feels ashamed.

OP posts: