AIBU to say ‘I can’t afford it’?

[Flippingnora100]

DH and I disagree. He grew up poor and now would never openly say, ‘I can’t afford it,’ or give the impression that he doesn’t have much money. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to be pitied and wants to feel like he belongs socially.

I have no problem being open if I’m not opting in to something because it’s too much. I would absolutely never talk about all the money I do have, but I’m not embarrassed to say if something is too much or if I’m stressed about money. If I do this, it makes DH cringe massively.

DH got laid off in December, which was stressful as we are mid-construction project and have a lot of outgoings. He has since started a new job thankfully, but it did bring up this difference between us.

How open are you if you can’t afford something? Is it bad to say that?

There’s a useful phrase for this in Yorkshire - I can’t thoil it. It basically means I can afford it, but I can’t justify the spend.

My response depends on the conversation and the others in the conversation.

With good friends I'll be say "can't afford it this month", but with people who spend a lot of time complaining about being skint 20 seconds after saying they've ordered another clothes haul online I tend to say "that's not in the budget at the moment I'm afraid" or something else that's polite and easy to move on from as I want to get off the topic of finances quickly.

DH says this a lot as a Yorkshire man. I always thought it was foil!

I’ve started saying - “I can’t afford it any more.” Because that seems honest and accurate and tend to stop any discussion. Said it recently to friends about going to the theatre in London, and at the dentist (teeth whitening!). Have to say it went down better at the dentist than I expected and cut down any hard sell. It’s the truth as this time last year I could afford more.

But I wouldn’t refer to my OH or their situation, I think that’s their business not mine to share.

I also grew up poor. I wouldn't necessarily say I can't afford it, but I would say no sorry I can't go on the trip, we're in the middle of the new kitchen/extension (whatever the building project is) and anything spare is going towards that.
I guess I don't mind other people thinking I have other financial priorities, but wouldn't want people to think I'm on the bones of my arse and am struggling to pay my bills, mainly because that's not true.

I grew up in a poor family. Other kids could be brutal. My parents couldn’t afford for me to go on school trips, so everyone else got to go on the fun trips and I had to stay at school with another class. I had hand me down clothes that often didn’t fit or were boys clothes. Being made fun of for “not being able to afford” things was painful and if your husband experienced similar I can understand why he might wince and feel uncomfortable with the phrase. There was a real shame attached to that phrase to me as a child.

I think the OP's DH had or saw others experience the YOU'RE POOR/YOU LIVE IN A BIN BECAUSE YOU'RE POOR bullying at school as I did.

Haha. Now you know! I think it’s a great saying, as it’s in no way saying you don’t have the money, just that something doesn’t seem worth it!

All of our friends grew up in similar financial bracket as we did, so we don't really find that this comes up. But if it did, I'm not afraid to say that something is not in the budget for now.

There are many times at work that discussion about concerts, sporting events come up, and I freely admit I would have a hard time splurging on tickets to see Pink when I could buy a new sofa for the same amount.

So I'm a bit like your husband, I grew up in a family that didn't have much money and I always felt embarrassment when we couldn't afford things that other people could.

One example, my school jumper was a plain navy one with no school logo on as my mum couldn't afford the actual school version but I was the only kid in my class without the logo jumper. I stood out on school photos like a sore thumb. There was one occasion where I had invited a friend to come over and and my mum had nothing in the cupboards as it was day before pay day (there was no food banks) I didn't realise until later she'd been re-using the same tea bags all week for drinks and when I asked if my friend could stay for dinner, she made toast and jam for us kids and she went without.

My mum was always proud though and even if we couldn't afford something she never ever made out we were poor, even though we were. In a lot of ways I admire her for that. If we didn't have the money for something we didn't get it. Simple as.

I struggle as an adult to say ' I'm skint or I can't afford it' and I cringe when people I know openly talk about Money. Equally I can't stand people who talk about how much money they do have.

I find to be honest among my friends group those that openly say they can't afford things actually could afford things if they spent their money more wisely. So I think the difference between being poor and unable to afford things is very different to having money but not budgeting correctly.

I live within my affordability and if I can't afford something I just don't buy it, I don't however, tell everyone I can't afford it. I think the pitying people did on me as a child is something I don't want as an adult and my circumstances as a adult are completely different.

Your mum sounds lovely!

I grew up in poverty too and I say that can’t afford things, or say something is too much /over my budget.

That’s rubbish. I don’t owe anyone my savings, or money allocated for bills or children’s sports. If it doesn’t fit in the months entertainment budget then I can’t afford it. I can’t afford it doesn’t mean I already can’t pay my rent and food and I’m being evicted tomorrow. It means I don’t have that spare and spare doesn’t include savings. If you say to a friend I can’t afford it and then go and spend £100s on a coat the next day when you have 5 perfectly good coats then you mean I don’t want to, but that’s not what you said.

I can understand both sides, there was a time when I was like your DH. Ironically we werent poor, but my mother would rather scrimp on everything and have loads in savings. It made for a pretty miserable existence at times. I was told once that I couldnt go on a school holiday because it was too expensive, and when I told my friend that we couldnt afford it mum went CRAZY. How dare I share our business with other people, she didnt want people thinking we were poor. But that attitude of keeping up appearances stays with you.

Now I am a single parent on a v low income and UC due to Covid redundancy and illness. I feel absolutely no shame these days about saying I cant afford something, I work hard, I support my kids and I was (until recently....see other thread ) 18 months away from paying off my mortgage. So bills, kids etc are my priority and I am not going to, for example, give up the kids monthly takeaway/eat out treat in order to attend a hen do or whatever. And if someone takes offence or judges me on that, I dont want them in my lives.

You can overcome it but in my case I think the "fuck you" attitude has come with age, as I am becoming more like that in all areas of life!

I say it whenever it’s true. And also sometimes if I don’t want to do something.

I come from a very working-class background. My family would never have said 'I can't afford it'.
Then I went to uni and all the middle-class students were bleating it like there was no tomorrow AND they'd shop from charity shops, which my lot would never have done!

From a poorer background but as I've gotten older, I've learnt the power of being able to be practical and 'talk money'. I know others who can't and it keeps them behind in terms of pay.

I'm never ashamed to say it to people, but there are times I won't say it because I know they're likely to aggressively offer to pay for me, which I don't want and becomes awkward when I decline.
But I'd never be ashamed to say it, money isn't anything to be proud of. Some people can't help their situation and a huge amount of the UK are kept in poverty on purpose. Usually if I can't afford something I will tell people outright. But not at work, they're the people who will argue to pay for me. So I just always tell them I'm busy now.

I agrée entirely.

Of course you saying you couldn’t afford it due to DH losing his job is tactless. It is indirectly blaming him for you having no money. It’s not kind.

I say can’t afford it a lot. When actually I’ve got thousands squirrelled away. What I mean is I don’t want to spend on that. I’ve no shame in saying I can’t afford it.
I hate letting people know I do have money in fact.

Rather than say 'I can't afford it', I would say 'I really cannot justify the cost of that'

That just sounds to me like "I could but you/your kid/your wedding/your birthday isnt important enough for me to spend money on" whereas "I would love to but I cant afford it" is unequivocal.....if you dont have the money then you dont have the money, no amount of strops are going to change that.

"I could but I wont" is far more likely to upset people than "I would but I cant". And even if the latter is a lie, sometimes a white lie is better than a black truth.

That's assuming I think it's my husband's fault he got laid off, which I don't. The only reason we have the life we have is because he is a high earner. My measly income alone wouldn't have got us this far. The intention behind me explaining the situation when invited to expensive things was not about assigning blame to DH, but more to just explain the reality. When the main breadwinner doesn't have an income, it would be totally nuts to add more financial commitments in the form of unnecessary luxuries.

But no one needs that level of detail about your family finances. It's just crass. Very crass.

"Thanks for the invitation; can't make it. Have a great time!" is more than sufficient.