AIBU to say ‘I can’t afford it’?

[Flippingnora100]

DH and I disagree. He grew up poor and now would never openly say, ‘I can’t afford it,’ or give the impression that he doesn’t have much money. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to be pitied and wants to feel like he belongs socially.

I have no problem being open if I’m not opting in to something because it’s too much. I would absolutely never talk about all the money I do have, but I’m not embarrassed to say if something is too much or if I’m stressed about money. If I do this, it makes DH cringe massively.

DH got laid off in December, which was stressful as we are mid-construction project and have a lot of outgoings. He has since started a new job thankfully, but it did bring up this difference between us.

How open are you if you can’t afford something? Is it bad to say that?

I understand your husband's pov and would be sensitive to that.

But personally I would say that I can't afford something. But I'm in a position where I could afford most things if I really wanted to, I just don't want to. Which is really different to telling someone I'm in serious debt, or using food banks etc.

“Don’t think I can stretch to that“
That’s what I say.

‘We are in the middle of a project and it’s massively over budget, why don’t you come over to us for dinner instead?’

Provide a cheap pasta dish and some cheap wine

Me and DH are completely opposite he will happily say we're broke till payday or we can't afford it to anytime about anything ( we earn about average I'd say but we should waste/spend motet than needed)

I'm the opposite I cringe when I hear him say this I either politely decline and use another reason or more often than not I use money I really shouldn't I'm not a snob or anything I just hate to discuss money, I know I'm in the wrong but I can't help it!

Context is key here.

Who is this being said to and in what circumstances.

E.g would you like to go to Nandos with us at the weekend?
You - no we can't afford it
Dh - cringe
And I totally understand his point of view.

His parents
We're thinking of going to the Maldives for Christmas....
Ah we're doing work on the house, not this year, we can't afford it.
DH - Cringe
And I'm on your side!

Saves people thinking 'well she can afford x so she could afford it' or similar bobbins

But they're not going to think that unless they're financially illiterate.

If someone has £20 spare and things X and Y cost £20 each it's blindingly obvious that if they do X they can't do Y or vice versa.

I grew up in absolute poverty and have never had a problem saying I can’t afford something.

Actually, even my very wealthy friends will say that when they mean they haven’t budgeted for something.

I personally wouldn't use the words "I can't afford that" because it somehow sounds like it is seeking pity.

I would say something along the lines of "I wouldn't spend that much money on an X" or "How much? 😮 I'll pass", "Don't think my bank manager would approve of that" etc.

A favourite expression is - "The name's <my surname> not Carnegie"

Not sure if that one was just our family or where it came from (for those that don't know Carnegie is erm... a very rich person from a very long time ago!)

And I turned down a couple of trips abroad with friends by saying I couldn’t because of DH losing his job.

Well, this is a bit tactless. I don't think you owe anyone that detailed an explanation and it's sort of throwing poor DH under the bus.

How often are you getting into conversations about your finances with others? Maybe that's the issue. I don't discuss money matters with anyone other than my sister, and those conversations are casual and seldom.

I just say, "Sorry, I can't afford it at the moment."

No shame in it at all. Times are tight for most people. Your DH has a proper chip on his shoulder.

I’ve never had much money so things I say all the time are “that’s expensive”, “I can’t afford it”, “we haven’t got the money.”
I’m not even embarrassed to put things back in the supermarket if I haven’t got enough money.
We are now financially secure and I am still of the same mindset as I’m so used to not having money.
My DCs now say “How much is it?” to anything they want to buy and they have a really good think as to whether they want to spend that money. Equally I do say to them if they want something really badly they can use their own money.

It’s interesting that you see me being honest re money as tactless to DH. It seems like there’s a divide on this thread too between people who are fine with being upfront and people who cringe at any talk of money/not being able to afford things.

I live somewhere where there is a huge disparity in pay - I am a good earner, slightly above average but compared to some locally I am very low.

I am competing with six figure salaries, so I do have to point out I can't afford to splash the cash willy nilly!

There’s always a divide about that, tbf. Some people are okay with it, others aren’t. And it’s not always divided along socio-economic lines either.

I am fine to be upfront about things, but I can understand - particularly if you have lost your job - that might feel embarrassing for him. Even though it shouldn't be, and wouldn't be for me, I'd respect that he doesn't like it.
But you can still go for any of the suggestions about it "not being in your budget" at the moment - that could cover someone with thousands in the bank if they are saving for something. They are being sensible with their 'treats' budget each month in order to put deposit down on property / buy a car / go on holiday / insert treat of your choice.

We have two good jobs, medium mortgage, state school, savings… so “we can’t afford x” is not usually strictly true. It’s more about priorities…. and it feels tone deaf to imply otherwise.
If we were actually struggling to eat / service the car / pay bills then I’d maybe feel differently.

I just say, we’re being frugal this month/for a few months/until we’ve saved for X or something like that. But we’re not big spenders anyway so people think nothing of it.

But that's kind of rude when it's an invite to an overpriced hen do or something.

More polite to say it's not in your budget in that case.

The OP wasn’t about an invite.

i still think it’s absolutely fine to say you can’t justify it if it’s an overpriced hen. I’m not skint but if I think something is overpriced I would say sorry, but I think it’s too much so I’m out.

See, I think this is a good message.

These are your friends, they should know about significant events like your DH losing his job and looking for a new one.

And this reason means that you won't be going on the trip a. because the timing of your future income isn't known yet, and b. because your partner will likely appreciate some moral support at home from you.

I generally say 'that is more than I wanted to pay' if something is expensive. I can usually afford it but whether I want to is a different question.

Look up the Yorkshire phrase ‘I can’t thoil it’. It’s very useful (though I suppose few would understand!)

I'm with you OP.

Well, you have to keep your audience in mind. Do they really want or need to know that much detail? Some people will interpret it as fishing for sympathy, or just wonder why you are oversharing.

Blaming the fact that your DH lost his job seems unnecessarily specific and puts him in a rather pitful light. "Can't go just now, but thanks for thinking of me," is plenty.

Because it's not really DH's fault that you can't go; it's the sum of many other financial decisions you both have made, your own earning power, ongoing commitments, etc.

No one needs the specifics.

I say it a lot. If it doesn't fit within our budget or goals then we can't afford it. I also used to say it so people didn't ask for loans as, ironically, we were the only ones with savings.

People still think we're poor because we're frugal. We travelled the world before DC & explained saving to travel was why we wouldn't afford things but they still formed the 'poor' opinion anyway.

Just say 'it doesn't fit within our budget as we're saving for X' if it bothers you.