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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say ‘I can’t afford it’?

101 replies

Flippingnora100 · 28/02/2023 20:08

DH and I disagree. He grew up poor and now would never openly say, ‘I can’t afford it,’ or give the impression that he doesn’t have much money. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to be pitied and wants to feel like he belongs socially.

I have no problem being open if I’m not opting in to something because it’s too much. I would absolutely never talk about all the money I do have, but I’m not embarrassed to say if something is too much or if I’m stressed about money. If I do this, it makes DH cringe massively.

DH got laid off in December, which was stressful as we are mid-construction project and have a lot of outgoings. He has since started a new job thankfully, but it did bring up this difference between us.

How open are you if you can’t afford something? Is it bad to say that?

OP posts:
Emptycrackedcup · 01/03/2023 04:26

Summerhillsquare · 28/02/2023 20:12

I say "that's beyond my budget".

You could just say this. Even if you were loaded, whatever "it" is could be beyond what is in your budget for that specific item. Rich people are often the cheapest, that's how they stay rich!!

Emptycrackedcup · 01/03/2023 04:39

Ariela · 01/03/2023 00:19

Rather than say 'I can't afford it', I would say 'I really cannot justify the cost of that'

I think that sounds really rude tbh

palelavender · 01/03/2023 05:16

In my experience, wealthy people have no difficulty saying something is too expensive. That's because they know they actually have the money if they really wanted to buy it.

I tell my children - now young adults - on a regular basis that we can't afford some things. I guess they are going to get a surprise when we die!

Alondra · 01/03/2023 05:25

It looks like your husband was emotionally scarred growing up in a poor environment and feelings of inadequacy and shame. There is no much you can do, those are his feelings and they are conditioning the way he reacts today. Have you had an in depth conversation with him about his growing up years? Often feelings like these are not just about being poor, but struggling with issues like having enough food on the table, not enough money for clothes/shoes or joining a school excursion.

I'm like you, I have no problems saying "I can't afford it". I grew up in a working family, often struggling to get to the end of the month, but never felt different from my peers in school. Maybe is the reason I have no problem saying that I can't afford something. I live a comfortable life today but many friends are really well off and sometimes organise trips outside my budget. I've never had a problem saying "sorry darlings, I can't join you this time, I can't afford it". My friends are lovely and will reorganise the trip to make sure I can join and have a lovely time together. The majority of people I know prefer honesty to excuses or white lies.

Not much advice except accept him and his emotions for what they are - a part of his growing up years for which you have no control.

Fraaahnces · 01/03/2023 05:47

Are you married to Pollyanna? If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Bloody toxic positivity gets people in trouble as it creates all kinds of misunderstandings. Clear communication and boundaries avoids this. YADNBU.

Hollyhead · 01/03/2023 05:51

Hell I have thousands in the bank but it’s FOR something, I say ‘I can’t afford it’ all the time about things I could afford many times over, because it’s not part of the long term plan.

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 01/03/2023 06:04

Of course it’s fine to say if you can’t afford something. What I can’t stand is people totally opposite to your DH, who are forever claiming poverty when you know damn well that they are much better off than you are.

CoalCraft · 01/03/2023 06:13

I often pull a face and say "uch, no; expensive!" Actually I've been known in the past to use it as an excuse to get out of things I probably could afford, actually

Sux2buthen · 01/03/2023 06:26

I think if dating something causes someone else to feel embarrassed, especially my partner, I wouldn't say it.

TangledUpInDreams · 01/03/2023 09:10

I wouldn’t refer specifically to loss of a job either. I’d be sensitive to how it makes him feel (rational or not) and I’d expect the same sensitivity toward my feelings around what he says too.

’We’re on a reduced budget for now’ is perfectly fine imo.

Sux2buthen · 01/03/2023 12:19

*saying

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/03/2023 12:27

I say I can't afford it usually to mean 'I'm not willing to spend that much'.

JavaQ · 06/04/2023 03:29

Brené Brown’s TED talk on shame is worth listening to. In a nutshell, ignore the judgement of others.

I like the idea of mentioning of a budget. I’ll use that now, as it really encapsulates money/choice well, doesn’t it?

Gettingfleeced · 02/07/2023 21:56

It depends who's asking and what they are asking.

I might say "I can't afford it" or I might say "I've already spent too much this month" or "that'll have to wait as I've just paid out for nursery fees/MOT/household repair" or something.

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 22:04

I think it’s fine to say
I’m the opposite end of annoying though, I grew up poor too and will thus constantly bang on about being skint even though I’m currently as well off as I’ve been in my life. Aware it’s a mindset thing but it only bothers me when I get called out on it!

Screamingabdabz · 02/07/2023 22:07

Who knew people tied themselves in pretzels about this! Jeez. What I gather from this thread is that people from a poor background would be ashamed to say it, and people from a well off background feel it’s far too blunt to come out of their rosebud mouths so would prefer the middle class safe space of weasel words. Both groups feel ashamed when it means ‘I’m tight and don’t want to spend my money on your shit’.

I work with millionaires and I’m poor as shit. We all speak plainly (I regularly say I can’t afford things) because we are grown ups and can handle it. It’s very liberating and strangely nobody dies and we are all mates. I recommend it.

DelurkingAJ · 02/07/2023 22:07

It also really depends on your social circle. So my mates will definitely say ‘I can’t justify it’, meaning exactly that…none of us are poor but sometimes you have to think that money could be better spent. One of my friends says it about not buying herself lunch when she’s in the office for example. I’m likely to say it about a friend’s destination wedding…I can’t justify the cost…because frankly we may not then get a family holiday.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/07/2023 22:27

We once got asked by ex SIL to contribute towards a his and hers massage for DH's brother's graduation present. HIS present, but she wanted a his'n'hers massage as his present. Hmm She knew we were getting an extension at the time, we had 2 young children and I was not quite working FT hours. She didn't work. I was quite gobsmacked at the nerve. I was quite happy to say honestly "things are a bit tight for the next few months, all our spare money is going on the build. And actually we would never normally buy someone a graduation present, we just would send a card, especially when they've already done their main graduation a couple of years before."

So that's my phrase that I use "things are a bit tight at the moment". Someone would be really rude to question that, as I think it's self-explanatory.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/07/2023 22:29

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 22:04

I think it’s fine to say
I’m the opposite end of annoying though, I grew up poor too and will thus constantly bang on about being skint even though I’m currently as well off as I’ve been in my life. Aware it’s a mindset thing but it only bothers me when I get called out on it!

but if people knew your position, they'd probably find it annoying at you proclaiming that you're skint, when it sounds like you're not?

thecatsthecats · 02/07/2023 22:37

I generally say if I just genuinely don't want to do something, which seems to baffle some people.

For example, FIL keeps up a steady stream of rude comments about my 12yo Yaris - shouldn't I get a new one, etc.

I could buy a newer car outright and have plenty of savings left. I could afford a few hundred pounds on a lease.

But I don't care enough about cars to do so. If I spend a lot on a newer car, I'm not going to spontaneously become the sort of person who washes it or tidies inside etc. And it will still spend the majority of its time on my driveway, unused.

FIL seems to think that "I can't afford it" would at least be an acceptable excuse, whereas "I don't give a stuff you rude, petty bore of a man" is apparently non-kosher.

noglow · 06/07/2023 21:00

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 28/02/2023 20:27

I tend to say 'It's out of my budget' which covers both being unable to afford something and being unable to justify spending on that particular thing.

This

melj1213 · 06/07/2023 21:54

I tend to say "I don't have the budget for X right now" because sometimes I am down to my literal last pennies till payday and other times I have loads of "spare" money but it's already earmarked for other purposes.

If it's something I want to do but I am down to my last pennies then I'll flesh it out a bit with "I don't have the budget for X right now, I get paid next week though so can we discuss it again then?" or something like "I don't have the budget for X right now as I've had a lot of outgoings this month, let me get back to you after payday".

If it's something I don't want to do but have the money available then I'll flesh it out with something like "I don't have the budget for X right now, but I hope you guys have fun doing it!" or "I don't have the budget for X right now, I'm saving all my spare money for ABC."

latetothefisting · 06/07/2023 22:10

palelavender · 01/03/2023 05:16

In my experience, wealthy people have no difficulty saying something is too expensive. That's because they know they actually have the money if they really wanted to buy it.

I tell my children - now young adults - on a regular basis that we can't afford some things. I guess they are going to get a surprise when we die!

I agree that it's usually poorer people who feel embarrassed about saying they can't afford it whereas people who technically could, don't care because they know it's not the truth. The same way skinny people are often fine with making jokey comments about their weight, or clever people say 'I'm so thick.' If you don't feel awkward about something yourself you're less likely to feel like others are judging you for it.

I'm very guilty of using 'I can't afford it' as a nicer/easier way of saying 'I don't want to spend my money on that.'

Maree1986 · 22/07/2023 10:38

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but it popped up for me for some reason and I can't not comment because I also grew up poor (VERY poor) and I feel the same way as your DH.
He probably got builled in school for it. When you never have any cool stuff that other kids have, your clothes have holes in, your shoes are falling apart, ypu can't afford school trips, ypu don't go to birthday parties because you can't afford a present of something nice to wear, you can't keep up with the discussions about nice things everyone has done and places they have been etc etc it shapes you. Kids are beyond cruel and the shame and stigma of being poor becomes deeply ingrained.
If you haven't grown up in true poverty you can't, through no fault of your own, truly understand

WeightInLine · 22/07/2023 10:42

I say it all the time!

I said it yesterday to a colleague who asked if we were going to Barbenheimer this weekend. I said no, for 6 of us at £15 a ticket that would be £180 and too expensive. She nodded. Life is expensive and everyone gets it.

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