To hate people not quite mentioning my weight loss?

[ShrinkingIngrate]

I've lost a fuckload of weight and people are starting to mention it.

But they're always so coy about it.

"You're looking WELL!"

No one ever says it directly, the wimps.

Why is it impoltire to say it those words?

Tbfh, I don't think I'm dealing with it very well, I'd just rather no one said anything but I'm a crochety menopausal misanthrope I think I'd rather be in solitude with my celery and Bovril.

AIBU?

People really can't win, can they.

It’s actually a fear of people commenting that stops me from dieting and losing weight even though I need and want to.

I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight. A few people have directly commented, meaning it as a compliment. I HATE it for a variety of reasons.

I really don’t think people who aren’t doctors should comment to others on their weight loss unless they are very close AND that person has been confiding in you about their desire to lose weight and how they are doing it.

Look right, it's fatphobic to lose weight. It's fatphobic to compliment people on their weightloss. And it's fatphobic to have noticed that someone is overweight and it definitely is to think that losing it should be complimented. At least that's what some very vocal online people say about it. It's made mentioning weightloss more of a minefield than it should be.

When I lost weight and people commented on that, yes the obvious implication is that I was fat before. And guess what? I was. And I wasn't happy about it, which is why I went to the effort of losing the weight. Something was negative in my life, it was very hard to change but it mattered enough to me that I did. Of course I'd like to be complimented on that. Just like I'd like to be complimented on work success, having a baby, getting a divorce (😆), etc. So congratulations on doing the work and losing the weight. I bet you look great.

The one piece of advice I'll offer though, is that you mention celery and Bovril. So if you are really heavily restricting yourself, it's a good idea to think about how you want to continue once you are at your goal weight. The first time I lost weight, I put it all back on and then some, within a few years. The second time, I changed my whole lifestyle and became really sporty and athletic, which makes maintaining healthy weight much easier.

How should I feel about the stone I’ve put on that I didn’t want to and being told that I look better for it? I just want to be under 10st again.
I’m 10st10lb and I’m 5’7” tall

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You always see people here who are outraged,because someone complimented them on weight loss. You're outraged, because people don't say it directly.

I know you were likely exaggerating for comedic value, but if you have lost weight down the “celery and bovril” route then no I wouldn’t be complimenting you on it.

People are over this weight loss at all costs mentality. I’m not congratulating someone on starving themselves. 1) it’s so much more damaging than being overweight. So many studies have proven this 2) it doesn’t lead to long term weight loss

Depending on how much weight you had to lose it should have taken you at least a year to do it healthily and in a way that will stick long term. When that’s the case you don’t look hugely different to the people who see you regularly as it’s slow progress.

If I see someone’s lost a decent chunk of weight in a few months because they had a wedding or holiday to go to I know that’s some from “celery and bovril” & I’m not going to encourage that by complimenting them.

I wouldn't comment on it because I don't make unsolicited comments about the size of peoples bodies, whether that's big or small or in between.

When I was a teenager, my Dad - as wide as he’s high - lost loads of weight on the F-Plan diet, and all his friends thought he must have inoperable cancer, because his round smooth fat little face became so old and wrinkled!

So it may just be that people worry the same about you. Well done anyway! xx

(I didn’t vote as I think you are neither reasonable or unreasonable.)

Ah see, your whole rant in the first paragraph comes undone with your last paragraph. The reason you don’t comment on someone’s weight loss is because you don’t know HOW they lost the weight or why. If it’s celery and bovril and you compliment someone on that you are unwittingly encouraging that incredibly unhealthy behaviour. It’s not about fat phobia. It’s about eating disorders having the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

People don't like to mention a persons weight. If you were a close friend I might mention it but it does imply you had weight to lose which is a bit rude.

This. I've lost loads of weight in the past and really hated people commenting on it

I wouldn't comment because I don't think thin people are superior to fat people and I therefore don't think anyone deserves congratulating for moving from the one category into the other.

No I don't!

what on earth gave you that impression from the words on the OP?

Lots of food for thought here, so thanks for all those who've taken time to comment.

It's interesting that people have mentioned cancer illnesses. It never genuinely crossed my mind, despite my dear late mom losing loads of weight through cancers. I'll keep it in mind that people are choosing their words carefully and considerately about my appearance, thank you.

I think I probably have body dysmorphia, my body doesn't feel that much different to before though I know, academically, that losing 8 stone does make a difference. Perhaps my grumpiness about it comes from a difficult relationship with my body and food; I'd like to bury my head about that, so when people mention it, it brings it to the forefront of my mind again.

As I say, menopausal cross patch. Shrug. I can't win, they can't win plus ca change.

Bovril and celery was tongue in cheek - just smaller portions and logging calories on MFP.

And walking my Goldie puppy.

When I lost weight I had people coming up to me I didn’t even think I knew asking me how I did it. I couldn’t go anywhere without getting compliments. I remember once going to a parents evening and no exaggeration about 40 people who I hadn’t seen for a while commented on my weight loss, complimenting me etc. It was awful and I was so embarrassed for my DC.

I would never comment that someone has gained weight so I don’t comment on lost weight either.

if a friend confided that they were trying to lose weight I would of course support and encourage them, but otherwise I compliment people’s clothes, hair style, jewellery….. that sort of thing.

I never mention anybody's weight unless they tell me they have been trying to lose weight. To say 'you've lost a lot of weight' implies I noticed they had a lot of weight to lose. This would be very rude and not something I'm going to say. I'll stick with 'you look well'.

I lost 100lbs last year after weight loss surgery.
I don't really like people commenting on my weight. I think it's quite rude really. You wouldn't comment when somene has put on weight so why is it acceptable to comment when someone has lost weight

This. I would say

Totally off topic but reading this made me smile because the affection for your dad is so clear in it. 😊

fwiw, I feel it's fine if OP or anyone in similar position wants to say "Hey guys. I just want to let you know I worked really hard to lose this weight & it would be lovely if you have anything encouraging to say to help me keep the weight off."

I'd be fine with that. And would say I was happy that you are pleased and ask you to talk about it as much as you like. But you must introduce the topic. It's not my place to declare any opinions, especially unsolicited opinions, about your body size.

Aw, thank you @housemaus - he’s now 86 and still almost as wide as he’s high (he is very short), although he does the 5:2 diet nowadays (has done for years) and seems very healthy on it. He is a wonderful Dad, I’m so lucky to still have him.

If someone says you've lost weight they are essentially saying you were fatter . And today its more acceptable to be the size of a house (in the name of body positivity) .its almost offensive to suggest someone looks better because they've done something about being over weight.