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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate people not quite mentioning my weight loss?

129 replies

ShrinkingIngrate · 28/02/2023 00:16

I've lost a fuckload of weight and people are starting to mention it.

But they're always so coy about it.

"You're looking WELL!"

No one ever says it directly, the wimps.

Why is it impoltire to say it those words?

Tbfh, I don't think I'm dealing with it very well, I'd just rather no one said anything but I'm a crochety menopausal misanthrope I think I'd rather be in solitude with my celery and Bovril.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SoonBeTeaTime · 28/02/2023 07:12

When people lose weight it isn't always the result of a successful diet, as others have said it can be because of a serious medical condition. People don't want to bring it up in case the reason isn't so positive. It's often better to just not comment, even if you do notice.

lap90 · 28/02/2023 07:13

Where have you been? People are told not to explicitly comment on people's weight gain or loss.

cosmiccosmos · 28/02/2023 07:14

When I lost a lot of weight a couple of people says 'you look well' but no-one from my close family. I liked the compliment, I did feel really well and good. it was just 'another day at the office' that my family didn't comment.

To be frank if you've lost a lot of weight, say 15,20,25kg you were overweight/fat before. I would not take this to mean people went around thinking 'god how fat is cosmic' . In the same way if I have my haircut and it looks good and people comment, I don't immediately think people thought it looked awful before.

Very soon people will stop talking to each other for fear of causing offence, it's getting ridiculous.

ZEWatson · 28/02/2023 07:17

Growing up I had tons of friends who were very mentally unwell regarding weight loss and extreme exercise, to the point of being sectioned/ losing jobs etc. I'd never mention anyone's weight anymore, in fact I just don't comment on people's appearance other than maybe a new hairstyle etc. You just never know the mental status of the person behind the weight loss

kateandme · 28/02/2023 07:20

if people still dont no the answer to this question. the subject of looks.weight.size shape.weight loss and appearance comments,beliefs etc. then we have depressingly soooooo far to go. and its both maddening and saddening to read the same old comments on here. that.just.dont.get.it.
what a manipulated society we have become

AmandaClare · 28/02/2023 07:23

I’m of an age where a possible answer to “you’ve lost weight!” Is “yes, I have cancer”. So I tend not to assume automatically that all weight loss is deliberate.

“You look well” seems quite a good alternative and let’s you then mention the weight loss yourself if you want to, or just say thanks if you don’t. So yabu.

mondaytosunday · 28/02/2023 07:24

That's what I'd say.
Saying 'oh you've lost a lot of weight' or 'you look great! You must have lost tons of weight' is just a reminder that one was heavy and didn't look good. But say they are looking well compliments without drawing attention to the why.

Catspyjamas17 · 28/02/2023 07:28

I am never troubled by someone complimenting me on weight loss, but some people find it too personal, so I go with "You look great!" and don't introduce the subject of weight loss unless they do first.

Doodat · 28/02/2023 07:28

OP, not everyone has the same comfort level in having these conversations. So it’s actually an intelligent approach to start with something subtle like “you look well”.

This is an invitation to you to open up the conversation if you want to. So if you say “thanks”, that’s the end of it. But if you volunteer a bit more like “I’ve been trying to cut the sugar/ lose a bit of weight” then the person can know you feel comfortable to discuss it directly.

It’s a considerate way to recognise it, but in a way that gives you a route out if you don’t want to talk about it. You have nice friends!

Summerfun54321 · 28/02/2023 07:29

It's 2023, it's generally not acceptable to put women on the spot and comment about their weight at all any more. That's a good thing, especially for anyone who has had an eating disorder.

PrinceHaz · 28/02/2023 07:33

It’s rude to comment on someone’s weight. If you want them to comment, introduce the topic yourself.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 28/02/2023 07:37

Well, you probably are looking well - you might be giving off new confidence and carrying yourself differently and your skin/hair is probably looking great because you’re eating more fruit and veg.

TheInterceptor · 28/02/2023 07:40

'You're looking slim' = 'Gosh you were fat before'. People are being polite.

ILiveAt64ZooLane · 28/02/2023 07:46

Just say thank you and move on or deflect by returning a compliment.

kateandme · 28/02/2023 07:46

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 28/02/2023 07:37

Well, you probably are looking well - you might be giving off new confidence and carrying yourself differently and your skin/hair is probably looking great because you’re eating more fruit and veg.

but that isnt about weight or shrinking.thats looking at actual healthmarkers so doesnt matter

CraneBoysMysteries · 28/02/2023 07:47

I came back to work after being off for a year on mat leave.

A colleague of mine had lost at least 4 stone so I congratulated her on her weight loss and said she looked amazing.

Turns out she had been diagnosed with cancer and been on chemo and radiotherapy which had caused sickness and loss of appetite.despite the steroids.

I felt absolutely awful and although she was gracious and waved my comment off I Will be much more careful in commenting on people's body changes from now on!!

SherbertDabs · 28/02/2023 07:48

The sooner people realise other people’s bodies are none of their business the better.

soboredoflooking · 28/02/2023 07:49

I usually blurt it out "oh my god uv lost so much weight" and think oh shit I hope I don't cause offence. For the reasons many ppl have mentioned.

Doowop1919 · 28/02/2023 07:50

I think it's rude to comment on someone's weight, whether they're slim or overweight. So I wouldn't mention it unless they had specifically mentioned it to me

Merlott · 28/02/2023 07:55

You want people to publically judge your body? Oookay.

I would never comment on someone's body, that would be incredibly rude.

MyBloodyBrother · 28/02/2023 07:55

Are these people aware you were deliberately trying to lose weight? If not they might hesitate to compliment you for it in case you’ve lost weight due to illness/ bereavement.

Sceptre86 · 28/02/2023 08:00

What do you want them to say? 'Look at you you've lost a ton of weight'. Saying something like that implies you had a ton to lose in the first place and were massive. When they say you look well you can respond with a thanks and that you've lost weight.

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/02/2023 08:05

I think the "You're looking well!" comments are the nudge for the other person to say, "Yes, I lost 3 stone.." and it goes from there.

Sometimes oftenpeople tell me theirselves about their weight loss and I have to pretend to have noticed 😁
Obviously if it's a huge amount I would see, but it's not something I always notice, especially in winter..

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2023 08:11

LifeIsReallyGood · 28/02/2023 00:27

Congratulations on your weightloss!
I would absolutely tell you.
But people these days get so offended over EVERYTHING they are afraid to say anything.
Or they might be jealous,lol.
And good for you,it's not easy😊

I have a friend who lost 2 stone due to chemo. It's not a case of being offended over everything, it's just that not everyone wants to lose weight so congratulating someone over losing weight because of cancer is a bit of a shitter.

TinyCactusInAPot · 28/02/2023 08:26

Well done in losing the weight

next step: lose the anger when people are say something nice to you

commenting on someone’s weight these days is often construed as “fat shaming” so people don’t anymore

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