Is it selfish to not turn up to kids' birthday parties?

[kught]

I'm not talking about people who are busy/ill and can't come - there seems to be parents in DC's class that for years have never brought their kid to a party or even bothered to RSVP and acknowledge the invitation.

AIBU to find it slightly selfish? I aim to go to all parties that DC is invited to - 1) for my DC to enjoy it and 2) to celebrate with the birthday child and so they have as many people as possible! To repeatedly not even RSVP to say you're not going and just never show up seems rude to me?

seems a bit strange
something odd
perhaps their child doesnt like parties
perhaps they cant get there
does child come to playdates ?

2 totally separate issues

1. is rude
2. is entirely their prerogative

or a religion aspect?

It's very strange. So strange that I think there must be a reason, rather than just rude.

How old are your children?

To clarify, I'm not talking about a single set of parents (which I'd assume was a certain issue), but seems to be 4/5 kids in DC's class that are never at any of the parties and from being friends with a few other mums in the class, know that they haven't RSVP'd No or anything (which they haven't with my DC either)!

Not to rsvp is rude

not to attend is completely fine!

how old op?

I think it is.

I remember doing a whole class party in reception for my ds. He's a teenager now. Only about 9 people even replied. I approached a couple of parents (in a friendly way) and they looked at me like I had two heads.

Like you I don't mean people who are genuinely busy or forget to reply but then let you know eventually.

But the people who just ignore invitations altogether, it's weird.

Not rude in my opinion, unless they say yes then don’t show up and there’s a cost involved. Maybe they have more interesting weekends planned, or need down time at home, or looking after parents. I shall certainly be swerving kids parties when mine get there…

How do you know this small number of parents aren’t “too busy / ill” to attend?

not to rsvp is rude

but you are mixing up two totally separate issues

Not RSVPing is rude, though as my eldest is only in Y2 I do message the parents to check the invation did in fact make it home.

If parties aren't their thing I guess fair enough, though I definitely try to make them.

perhaps they dont receive the invitations always
perhaps they dont know how to say No, so rather dont respond at all.
perhaps they spend their weekend with the other parent

RSVPing Yes and then not turning up without any communication is ruder.

Bit rude to not RSVP however I don’t check school bags beyond infants really so if there’s something time sensitive in there I’m reliant on ds telling me or else it might not be seen. To be honest though; now we tend to receive invites via text.
Also, I don’t think it’s rude to not want your every weekend dominated by children’s parties. Fine if we don’t have any plans but and we do try to accommodate them because it’s nice for the birthday child to have their friends there etc but ds has just been invited to a party on Mother’s Day and we are going away that weekend so he won’t be going. I’m definitely not cutting our weekend away to visit dd at uni short to get ds to a(nother!) trampolining party.
What’s also rubbish is when people say they’re going and then don’t turn up!!

Of course it is rude to ignore the invite and not reply. From having arranged several childs parties myself over the years, it is very frustrating to not have all the replies back, you need to know numbers to cater for and sort party bags out for, some parties are even pay per child. If you knew so and so wasn't going then the birthday child could possibly ask someone else. Sometimes there are number limits depending on the type of party.

I presume the ones who don't reply have never arranged their own party ever before or else they would know whats it's like and how rude and frustrating it is!

I have had to still make party bags and food for the ones who haven't replied just incase they just turn up, what a waste of money that is when they don't.

It takes seconds to send a quick message to decline or accept an invite. It's very annoying.

Not RSVP’ing at all is a bit odd, strange that the don’t just say “sorry we can’t come”.

Just generally not attending parties isn’t rude though; It actually is a bit genius establishing a flat “we don’t attend parties” policy early on - if you’re invited to a party per classmate that’s suddenly £300-odd you’re spending on attending parties by the time you account for travel, gift and a card.

Some families like to do family stuff at the weekend, especially if working during the week etc.

I wouldn't say it was selfish particularly. No-one has to accept an invite! It is of course rude not to reply and it's also a bit odd. Do they invite others to birthday parties themselves? Maybe they can't or don't want to reciprocate and therefore don't feel they should accept invites? Or they are just very unsociable. Bit said for the child though if they would enjoy a party.

Age 6/7!

I absolutely respect people's own choice of not wanting to go (although I would wonder why as it's more for the kids' sake?), it's more the completely ignoring invites and not even telling anyone know that feels really rude.

The kids lost the invites normally

They should respond but there could be lots of reasons why their children don't attend.

Behavioural issues.
Undiagnosed SEN.
Weekend clubs that can't be cancelled or changed.
Divorced parents so they're away visiting dad at weekends.
They don't like parties.
Religious objections.
Money - the cost of lots of presents and travelling to venues soon adds up.

There's no need to take it personally.

second term of year 2.

and you’ve clocked a group of parents that never reply to rsvps and are selfish to never accept invites?

righto

If so you being pissed off about not replying to rsvp…. Yes. Agreed. Done to death in fact on mumsnet.

but read your thread title and Op… that’s not quite what you articulate you are pissed off about!

I absolutely respect people's own choice of not wanting to go (although I would wonder why as it's more for the kids' sake?),

does it not occur to you for one second that not all children enjoy parties 🙄

I can’t imagine anything more tedious then multiple children’s birthday parties. I don’t live in the UK and inviting your child’s class to their birthday party is thankfully not a thing here. Although not RSVP’ing to invitations is rude, I imagine replying to to multiple invites a month must be annoying. DD goes to friends parties and she invites a select few to hers, she’s 15 now so birthdays are very casual affairs.

It's not rude to not go to parties. As that old chestnut goes, "It's an invitation, not a summons."

Obviously it's rude not to RSVP, but it's perfectly fine to turn down invitations. Trapped in a cold, noisy soft play venue attached to a pub, drinking abysmal coffee for 2 hours on a weekend morning is absolute hell. If your child isn't overly fussed on attending, why not spare yourself the ordeal?

Lots of children - especially ND children - don't enjoy large groups.