Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it selfish to not turn up to kids' birthday parties?

92 replies

kught · 27/02/2023 15:54

I'm not talking about people who are busy/ill and can't come - there seems to be parents in DC's class that for years have never brought their kid to a party or even bothered to RSVP and acknowledge the invitation.

AIBU to find it slightly selfish? I aim to go to all parties that DC is invited to - 1) for my DC to enjoy it and 2) to celebrate with the birthday child and so they have as many people as possible! To repeatedly not even RSVP to say you're not going and just never show up seems rude to me?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 27/02/2023 18:08

I think a lot of people just don't understand what RSVP means.

2reefsin30knots · 27/02/2023 18:13

My DS always hated parties, he found them completely emotionally draining and dreaded them. It would have been like torture to send him to them all during the every-other-weekend phase. He certainly didn't want a party of his own, so it's not like he was then expecting people to turn up for him.

However, I did RSVP. I reached the stage where I did just have to say DS didn't like parties. I'm sure some people thought that was rude but it wasn't possible to think up so many plausible excuses.

PennyRa · 27/02/2023 18:16

Some children don't like birthday parties. They shouldn't be forced to do something they don't want to

Findyourneutralspace · 27/02/2023 18:17

Loads of reasons not to go but no excuse to be rude. My DCs went to a very multicultural school and I had a few RSPVs for religious reasons saying ‘thanks for the invite. Xx won’t be coming, but hope DC has a lovely day!’

Wearingatshirt · 27/02/2023 18:17

If you've text them the invite then its rude andvthoughtless not to rsvp. If there's a chance its still at the bottom of a dcs bag then that's different.

Luana1 · 27/02/2023 18:26

To be honest if it’s a whole class party I don’t think it’s a big deal not to RSVP, there are so many in reception or year one that I genuinely forget to reply to some of them if I mentally note when scrolling the class WhatsApp that we can’t attend. If there are invitations to named children and a smaller party then definitely rude not to reply.

I aim to go to all parties that DC is invited to that is admirable but I’m amazed anyone would have the time to attend every party!

cocksstrideintheevening · 27/02/2023 18:28

I always replied but we often couldn't make it for logistical reasons, ballet and swimming in a Saturday, paid for in advance and we would skip it for a good friends birthday but not kids they're not particularly friendly with.

I've got twins - if they both attended all while class parties it would have cost a fortune. There was sometimes two parties a weekend.

Thankfully they stopped after y1!

Favouritefruits · 27/02/2023 18:40

i always think that the parents who never go to parties or whatever must have something going on, depression or anxiety and find it really hard to meet new people. I feel sad for them I bet they feel bad for their children missing out.

JustABloodyMinute · 27/02/2023 18:48

No issue at all for people not to come to a party (shouldn't have to justify themselves either) but it is really stressful when you don't know numbers when so many don't RSVP. In my experience some of those who don't RSVP do turn up and others don't, so you have to assume they are all coming. Also stressful when the birthday child wants to know who is coming and you don't know.

LightGreenDot · 27/02/2023 20:12

QuertyGirl · 27/02/2023 16:58

Am I the only parent who actually likes kids parties?

He gets to see his friends, usually get tons of exercise, he has to choose a present and write a card (teaches empathy and manners).

I take my son to all he wants to go to.

Really not getting the hate.

I also like it when my son has a party to go to! He has a great time and now he's 7 I get a couple of hours to myself!

However, I only have one child and don't enjoy staying in the house all day. We have plenty of family time and deliberately don't commit to any regular weekend clubs (if my son chooses to do this when he's older that's fine, at the moment he's not usually keen on the extra-curriculars). I can see that if you've got multiple kids and various activities already, it's another thing to add to the 'chore' list.

JudgeRudy · 27/02/2023 20:18

I don't necessarily think an invite requires a response if you're not interested. No reply = declined.
I'm unsure whatvyou mean by selfish. Selfish because their kids miss out or selfish/rude for not replying?
I loath a kids party. I'd drop off but be unlikely to attend. I did different things that my children enjoyed.

JudgeRudy · 27/02/2023 20:22

Ragwort · 27/02/2023 18:08

I think a lot of people just don't understand what RSVP means.

Do you? I think most people do understand that the inviter would likeca reply...they just don't care...enough

Pruneit · 27/02/2023 20:22

I'd always respond. It makes it hard for people to plan if you don't.

Lancrelady80 · 27/02/2023 20:24

whattodo1975 · 27/02/2023 16:02

RSVPing Yes and then not turning up without any communication is ruder.

This. Fortunately ds had invited half a dozen friends from a hobby club, otherwise it would have been just us and one other child from his class with a big bouncy castle and tables of party food.

Saying no is fine; not attending due to illness or last minute changes is fine if you let party parents know. But saying you'll come, letting party parents book things for given numbers of children and buy enough food for them all and then not bother even saying "sorry, can't make it after all" is so rude - and upsetting as well.

LolaSmiles · 27/02/2023 20:28

Ignoring an invite and not RSVPing is rude.

It's fine not to attend though.

Some of my friends have 3-4 children. My friends openly say they ask their children if they are friends with /play regularly with the person hosting and politely decline if not. Potentially 90 parties a year if all children attend every whole class party would leave little time for time as a family, their children's existing hobbies and time to see friends outside of school.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 27/02/2023 20:37

We had this last year with a nursery party. About 50% of invitees just didn’t even acknowledge the invitation. I don’t mind if people can’t or just don’t want to come, not in the slightest. But it’s really rude not to acknowledge the invitation.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2023 20:39

Friends/family not rsvp'ing I get annoying

But people don't have to go to everything just because there is an invitation, I do find it odd to invite people your kids don't play with and you have never spoken to or had any prior connection with, in general people do this

Sure not rsvp to an invite is rude but if the thing is to invite 30 kids that is 30 rsvps parents have to remember to do a year, just another thing to add to their list

LolaSmiles · 27/02/2023 20:50

Sure not rsvp to an invite is rude but if the thing is to invite 30 kids that is 30 rsvps parents have to remember to do a year, just another thing to add to their list
But by that token I'm sure those parents would also like the other adults to have manners and not leave them guessing whether DC will have 10 children or 33 at their party.

It's one of those things that comes with having children.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2023 20:52

LolaSmiles · 27/02/2023 20:50

Sure not rsvp to an invite is rude but if the thing is to invite 30 kids that is 30 rsvps parents have to remember to do a year, just another thing to add to their list
But by that token I'm sure those parents would also like the other adults to have manners and not leave them guessing whether DC will have 10 children or 33 at their party.

It's one of those things that comes with having children.

We invite children's friends to parties not random kids, no one has to invite 30+ kids

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:53

Has this changed in recent years? My parties were full class until I was around 8-9 (around 1992), then I was expected to be more selective about who I picked. No-one didn’t RSVP, though you got some no’s from people who already had plans. My brother, a decade younger, was exactly the same (I should know, organising and coordinating them was firmly moved to me by that time 😂).

I was really looking forward to the big class kids parties when they reach reception age!

ladykale · 27/02/2023 20:55

kught · 27/02/2023 17:12

@SpinningFloppa just jumping on this on a tangent but if a parent was in your circumstances I'd be more than happy for them to come! Obviously I understand if a party has strict numbers etc but I think circumstances such as yours should be facilitated. I've been there myself finding it difficult with juggling kids/childcare

Not everyone takes this view as I've seen threads on MN moan about this very issue!

BettyOBarley · 27/02/2023 21:01

It is rude not to rsvp, they soon realise how annoying it is when they're trying to plan their own party!

There's one mum who never RSVPs at our school but after speaking to her in general about parties / playdates etc she said their culture don't mix with others and their thinking is you only rsvp if you are actually going to attend.

LolaSmiles · 27/02/2023 21:07

We invite children's friends to parties not random kids, no one has to invite 30+ kids
Good for you, what's that got to do with it apparently being acceptable not to RSVP because 30 texts in 365 days is a huge amount of admin?

I highly doubt all these rude parents really don't have 30 seconds to say "Timmy can't attend Sam's party, but thank you for the invite". They're just rude and don't care.

LastNightWasEpic · 27/02/2023 21:23

I like children's parties! Children are entertained, I get to natter with parents or have a few hours with one less child.

Also parents in our school seem to be unusual in that I've had all but 3 reply this time for a whole class party. WhatsApp is the way to go I think.

Amethystanddiamonds · 27/02/2023 21:25

I often forget to RSVP. I read the WhatsApp normally around 10am when it's sent. Make a mental note to check whether DC can go that day and then by the time I've finished a busy shift I've completely forgotten and the conversation has moved on in the WhatsApp group. If I get paper invitations I always RSVP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread