Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it selfish to not turn up to kids' birthday parties?

92 replies

kught · 27/02/2023 15:54

I'm not talking about people who are busy/ill and can't come - there seems to be parents in DC's class that for years have never brought their kid to a party or even bothered to RSVP and acknowledge the invitation.

AIBU to find it slightly selfish? I aim to go to all parties that DC is invited to - 1) for my DC to enjoy it and 2) to celebrate with the birthday child and so they have as many people as possible! To repeatedly not even RSVP to say you're not going and just never show up seems rude to me?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 27/02/2023 16:28

Not responding to the invite is maybe a bit off but even then there can be reasons. One of the school parents I knew had difficulty in reading and writing in English - it wasn't something she went around telling everyone.
My child personally hated parties so we stopped going to them (if it was an especially close pal I still gave a gift or card).
There's a 101+ reasons why some children don't go to parties. It really isn't your business unless the party is one you have organised.

Sprogonthetyne · 27/02/2023 16:31

It's rude not to rsvp, or to say you're going then not bit it's an invitation on a summons. DS doesn't usually attend birthday parties, especially if it's the whole class in a hall type, which they usually are at his age. The reason is he has autism and would find the noise and busyness overwhelming, but I don't feel I need to or should discuss his condition with random parents who only know his name from the class list, so I stick with "sorry we can't make it".

thecatsthecats · 27/02/2023 16:51

When the time comes, I will do my best to help my child attend as many parties of named, good friends as possible. Up to a dozen a year or so.

But it will be a cold day in hell before I consider "celebrating for unknown child to make them happy" a good use of my leisure time.

There has to be a balance. If you enjoy it, crack on. Others don't, so they don't.

I will, of course, RSVP.

Fellsidefeather · 27/02/2023 16:55

Drives me crazy! Thankfully only our youngest child still doing whole class type parties. Last party - only a third had replied to the invites at all until 2 days before and then another 7 yes replies on the morning of the party!

QuertyGirl · 27/02/2023 16:58

Am I the only parent who actually likes kids parties?

He gets to see his friends, usually get tons of exercise, he has to choose a present and write a card (teaches empathy and manners).

I take my son to all he wants to go to.

Really not getting the hate.

Vegrocks · 27/02/2023 16:58

thecatsthecats · 27/02/2023 16:51

When the time comes, I will do my best to help my child attend as many parties of named, good friends as possible. Up to a dozen a year or so.

But it will be a cold day in hell before I consider "celebrating for unknown child to make them happy" a good use of my leisure time.

There has to be a balance. If you enjoy it, crack on. Others don't, so they don't.

I will, of course, RSVP.

Presumably only if your child actually wants to attend?

Rellywobble · 27/02/2023 17:01

Lcb123 · 27/02/2023 16:00

Not rude in my opinion, unless they say yes then don’t show up and there’s a cost involved. Maybe they have more interesting weekends planned, or need down time at home, or looking after parents. I shall certainly be swerving kids parties when mine get there…

It is rude not to reply to an invitation though !

SpinningFloppa · 27/02/2023 17:03

I wouldn’t go to kids parties I’m a single parent to 4 (no one to look after my others) so I can’t come I’m sure you wouldn’t want me turning up with 3 other children 🤷🏻‍♀️

Proudofitbabe · 27/02/2023 17:04

Yes it is pretty rude just to ignore, assuming they've definitely had it - I.e WhatsApp group and you can see it's been "read".

Ten times more so to respond yes and simply fail to show, which I've had recently with a couple of kids. No apologies after, nothing. How can you let another parent spend money on your kid attending and then just not go, and not bother to messsge?! Rude as fuck.

Original poster
kught · 27/02/2023 17:12

@SpinningFloppa just jumping on this on a tangent but if a parent was in your circumstances I'd be more than happy for them to come! Obviously I understand if a party has strict numbers etc but I think circumstances such as yours should be facilitated. I've been there myself finding it difficult with juggling kids/childcare

OP posts:
Zuyi · 27/02/2023 17:13

SpinningFloppa · 27/02/2023 17:03

I wouldn’t go to kids parties I’m a single parent to 4 (no one to look after my others) so I can’t come I’m sure you wouldn’t want me turning up with 3 other children 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't mind if it was my party! If I knew in advance.

SpinningFloppa · 27/02/2023 17:15

kught · 27/02/2023 17:12

@SpinningFloppa just jumping on this on a tangent but if a parent was in your circumstances I'd be more than happy for them to come! Obviously I understand if a party has strict numbers etc but I think circumstances such as yours should be facilitated. I've been there myself finding it difficult with juggling kids/childcare

That’s fine but it’s not the general consensus and threads on here asking if they can bring one child is usually met with absolutely not so 3 additional kids most would say no to and mine would want to play and take part they wouldn’t be happy just sat there watching (which is what is said on the threads that they will just sit and watch) I think most people wouldn’t be happy with that so we don’t do parties for that reason. But I wouldn’t ignore I would just say we was unable to attend I wouldn’t put the host in a position of having to let us come because they felt bad saying no etc I wouldn’t give a reason. But I wouldn’t ask as it’s CF territory

soboredoflooking · 27/02/2023 17:22

It is strange if it's deliberate and they know but don't respond. Maybe they never check the bags. My dd often doesn't even realise its an invitation if it's in an envelope. I've found a few by chance when looking in her school bag.

I think what is worse is when they say they are coming and then don't turn up or even msg an excuse on the day! Some places charge if u have already given the numbers for the day.

MelchiorsMistress · 27/02/2023 17:29

Working in infant school I was surprised a few times at how long some parents would go without checking their own children’s book bags, and party invitations would sometimes get missed that way. If we noticed we’d get the child to hold the invitation on their way out at home time to ensure the parent would see it but even then they might do nothing about it. I’d call it lazy rather than selfish.

Some families just don’t do birthday parties at all, either for religious reasons or because they only want to do family things at the weekends or whatever. It’s a bit sad but each to their own.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/02/2023 17:32

I think it's only rude if they say they will be there and then don't show up. I don't even think it's rude not to RSVP, unless they are friends you are counting on - some families just don't join in stuff outside school.

MelchiorsMistress · 27/02/2023 17:33

SpinningFloppa · 27/02/2023 17:03

I wouldn’t go to kids parties I’m a single parent to 4 (no one to look after my others) so I can’t come I’m sure you wouldn’t want me turning up with 3 other children 🤷🏻‍♀️

You could still RSVP though, and you could ask if you can drop off, or see if other parents going to the same party would be willing to help you out.

SpinningFloppa · 27/02/2023 17:37

MelchiorsMistress · 27/02/2023 17:33

You could still RSVP though, and you could ask if you can drop off, or see if other parents going to the same party would be willing to help you out.

Show quote history

Yeh I would definitely rsvp personally was more just answering that I don’t think it’s rude to not come to parties as op also said it’s rude to not come not just to not rsvp. Which I don’t think it is as many reasons why people don’t come. I wouldn’t drop my kids off personally I just wouldn’t send them that’s my personal preference.

shopmyfeelings · 27/02/2023 17:39

A relative of mine told me recently that she never accepts party invites and her daughter has never had a play date because she can't be arsed to take her.

It's her first child and she said it had never entered her head that it might help her daughter make friends and feel integrated. I tried not to show it but I was judging her. She did say she would maybe try and make a bit more effort now.

I guess if the child has lots of friends out of school or does lots of other stuff but it wasn't the case above.

Daisybee6 · 27/02/2023 17:53

It's rude to rsvp that youre going and then just not turn up

It's rude to ignore an invite and not rsvp

Its absolutely OK to rsvp that you're not coming and not go to any parties

JMSA · 27/02/2023 17:54

Totally rude.

LlynTegid · 27/02/2023 17:55

@Daisybee6 agree.

Genie321 · 27/02/2023 17:59

Sadly there are many parents who do not feel the need to rsvp. It takes a second and most people I see are hooked to their phones. Others that say yes and fail to turn up on the day and not apologise before or after. Sadly, I personally wouldn't extend an invite to them again. I find this behaviour the height of rudeness and the parents showing who they are. Best avoided!

It's ok not to go to every party. It gets tiresome but we do send our children because we feel its important to celebrate another child on their special day regardless how well we know the child and our kids love parties. It won't be forever and we can get our weekends back!

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 27/02/2023 18:01

It can be rude not to RSVP, but dome people are not used to it or they think there's no point if they're not actually going.

As for never attending...

The child might not like/struggle with parties.
Religious reasons.
Really busy/chaotic lives.
Lack of childcare.
Not actually seeing the invites. You'd be surprised how many kids lose them, shove them in random pockets or places etc. Or parents don't really check the book bag. Or kids go to one parent on invite day and leave it there/lose it and party is on the other parent's day.We have several kids at my school where we have to hand any important paperwork personally to a parent, otherwise it never gets seen.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 27/02/2023 18:02

Honestly I'm a bit petty... we invited the whole class to my daughters party. 5 kids turned up. 2 cancelled on the day because they just didn't want to go to a party ... I personally would have just said we where ill! Others where either busy (fair enough) it was the easter holidays so we where expecting a smaller number and most just didn't bother to rsvp as it was quite early on in the reception school year. It made me realise that partied aren't that serious and I now can't be bothered with theirs... petty I know. But she was upset and so was I.

Bunnycat101 · 27/02/2023 18:04

Yup think it’s rude. Lots of parties are pay per guest. It is also rude to say yes and then be a no-show without saying anything.

thing is now your child is y2 you can get rid of the all class parties and just do something for the kids you know (and like). I am now on my second child going through the party circuit. I am early, strict with rsvp and make the invitations pretty clear to speak to me about siblings and reply by x date or will assume not coming.